Why

It's been a crazy week with Thanksgiving this week.  We went to my parent's house and had a great time.  My brother was there with his fiancé and that was the first time I had met her.  She was great with the kids.  Apparently she has always wanted some nieces and nephews but her two older brothers are not married.  She is the first in her family to get married.  So she loved playing with my kids and in return she won their hearts.  They absolutely adored her, and couldn't wait to see her again the next day. 

I've still been stitching like crazy.  I stayed up until 11:30 stitching at least three times last week, and a couple times went to bed at 9pm because I was so tired from staying up the night before.  I am getting much closer to being finished than before.  I think I can be finished in two weeks.  That would give me about a one week grace period for unforeseen delays.  I'm cutting it pretty close, but at least it will be done.... Then I get to start on Chloe's stocking and try to get it done before next Christmas.  It's never ending. 

Lately I've been thinking about why a lot.  Mostly the question "Why do I want to be beautiful?"  And I'm not talking about just not being ugly.  I'm talking about being movie star beautiful.  I never really stopped to think about it, I just knew I wanted to be really beautiful.  Now it is perfectly normal for every woman to want to feel pretty, and want to feel like they are beautiful.  But it is different when you externalize it and you say "I want the world to think I'm beautiful."  I would look at pictures of myself in utter disgust because I wasn't super thin and beautiful.  Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by beautiful people.  Mostly my sister.  Living in my sister's shadow.  She was always the knock out.  Which is ironic when you think of how much the two of us look alike.  But she was always the prettier one.  Not just marginally pretty but movie star pretty.  She almost went into modeling, until she decided she didn't really like it.  I also have a cousin who is very striking.  She has moved back into town and my whole family is commenting on how beautiful she is.  She was asked out within one week of moving here.  I guess that is why I've started thinking about my why.  People have been talking and I've been feeling jealous.  But when you think about it, it's silly.  I am happily married to a man who is crazy about me and I have two daughters who think that I am the most amazing person ever.  They love me no matter what size I am.  They love me when I'm happy and sad and even when I yell at them.  They love me when I eat a lot of food and when I eat a little food. 

Maybe it's just one of my fatal flaws.  Something I need to work to overcome.  I should be happy with who I am and with what I look like.  Find peace within myself and maybe if I do that, I can start to find peace with food.

Check in

I'm warning you now, this post is going to be very short. I just wanted to check in because I realized I hadn't posted in a while. I have been stitching (cross stitch) like a crazy person. I'm trying to finish Lilys stocking before Christmas. Every free moment I've had has gone to working on it. I've been staying up until 11:00 most nights working on it and I'm well over half way done. I think at this pace I can finish in time but my blog will probably be neglected along with most of the household cleaning.  I did make Mu shu pork for dinner today from Julie Bouer's paleo cook book and it was so good. I have loved every recipe out of that book, it's definitely a great book to have in your kitchen for healthy eating.

I am going to try to get some pictures of my stocking and post them but that takes time and effort and I kind of have a one track mind right now. I will post tons of pictures when I am finished with it.

Holding steady

I've been doing pretty well since I decided to start working on my goals.  I haven't been perfect.  But that is the point of goals and that is why they are not rules, but something that I know I need to work towards improving.  I chose healthier dinners two times this week when I would have had something much worse to eat, or I would have just rummaged around since I didn't have an official meal I was making.  I had a salad one night when I wasn't too terribly hungry.  I didn't do Paleo dinner perfect every night.  One night I wasn't thinking hard enough and I had corn chips with my dinner.  Even though I had made a Paleo dinner that night, corn is not Paleo so naturally corn chips would be a no no.  I didn't realize it until half way through my dinner and by then I was thinking "oh well, I'm just going to finish my chips and not worry about it."  I didn't let it lead to the thinking of "I've blown it so I might as well eat like crap." because I'm working on bettering myself and not following a set of rules that can't be broken. 

The only goal I've done "perfectly" is the sweets every other day.  Adding honey or maple syrup to dinners I'm not counting as a treat or a sweet or a dessert or whatever.  One of my Paleo dinners was a stir fry type dinner and I had to add honey to the meat.  Also one of the dinners I made was a shrimp meal, and I had to add honey to that sauce too.  That doesn't count as a sweet.  That's just an ingredient in my dinner.  Stir Fry does not equal dessert. It's still been difficult to refrain from eating sweets all the time.  With all the leftover candy and especially when I have to get it off the top of the fridge so the kids can pick out a candy and then open their candies for them.  It's tough, but I've managed to stick to the ever other day guideline.  On days when I can eat sweets I have noticed that I'm not eating as much as I was.  In the sense that I'm not binging on it until I feel so sick I want to curl up into a ball and die.  I know that when I want more later that day I can have more and I know that I will be able to have more within a few days.  On my off days I just think, "I can have candy and treats tomorrow.  I can make it one day."

Probably the hardest one is slowing down my eating pace because that takes the most effort and continuous conscious thought.  It's so natural for me to just sit down an eat but then to remember "oh yeah, I'm supposed to be eating slower" so half way through my meal I try to slow down.  It's going to take a long time to slow my eating pace.  I still finish ahead of my kids even when I'm really trying to eat slower. 

I'm doing ok on not going back for seconds.  Pretty much if I can remember not to eat seconds I don't eat them, but when I'm not paying attention I've grabbed seconds before.  Awareness and not forgetting is a huge part about working towards these goals.  Two of them are so easy to just overlook as I go on autopilot and don't think about it much: eating slower and not having seconds.  There have been many times over the past week where I have remembered and I have consciously chosen not to have seconds when I wanted some.  And I was fine the rest of the night.  I wasn't hungry and I was rewarded with not feeling stuffed and bloated. 

It might take me a year before I get these down, and it might take longer, or shorter.  But I know I have some realistic goals to work towards and these are habit changing goals that will help me live more naturally without dieting.  My weight is FINALLY holding steady and I'm not doing anything extreme, and I'm not withholding any foods.  I'm eating just about everything I want: popcorn and sweets included, but within some guidelines and I'm feeling pretty good about it.  My weight has been 158 for this past week.  I've been weighing about every other day.  So my weight has finally leveled out.  That is the first step.  If I can maintain my weight with a livable and loveable lifestyle then once I master these goals and move onto new goals that will make me healthier, I may start losing weight again.  But for now, maintaining is fine.  Of course I wish I could have maintained at 148 instead of 158, but the struggle is real, and I definitely struggle.  I'm certainly not perfect, but I think I just might be headed in the right direction.

Game Plan

After much thought I have finally come up with a game plan of sorts.  I have set four goals to work towards.  Once I feel like I have accomplished one of those goals I will take it out and put another one in or I will modify it. 

So the first one is of course my nemesis: sugar.  This one went through several adjustments before I finally settled on what I figured would work for me.  At first I was thinking of making my goal to only eat desserts on holidays and special occasions, but that is much too hard, so I was thinking of once a week, but that also seemed too hard, then twice a week, and I finally settled on the easiest thing I thought I could do: Every other day.  No other restrictions.  Noting to the effect of "one dessert on days I'm allowed sugar".  No it's every other day.  Basically, if I eat sugar one day, I can't eat any the next day.  No chocolate chip pancakes or white chocolate lemon bread.  No candy, or baked goods or treats.  I have to have one day of no sugar in between each day I have sugar.  I can have multiple days of no sugar but I can't have back to back days of sugar.  Once I master that, I will change it to something like, three days a week, then two, then one or I will start refining and say "two treats on sugar days" or something like that. 

The second goal I have is to eat slower.  I am such a fast eater that I often finish my meals in five minutes or less.  Considering you are supposed to take somewhere around 20 minutes to eat your meal (because it takes 20 minutes for the signals to reach your brain that you are full) that is something I really need to work on.

The third goal is to not go back for seconds.  I think I could cut out a ton of calories if I never went back for seconds of anything be it snacks, meals, or desserts.  Going back for seconds or thirds is a terrible habit that I need to change.  So I am going to make sure I pay attention to what I eat and how much I eat and not go back for seconds.

Fourth is that my dinner will be Paleo friendly.  I am really good at making Paleo dinners but I don't cook every night.  So the challenge comes in when I am not cooking or when I am out.  That will help a lot too.  Makes sure I don't just decided to go get a pizza. 

And that is the game plan for now. 

Where do i go from here?

The question I have been pondering over the past several days is this: How do I take back control?  I have thought of doing another Whole 30 but the thought of giving up soda and panini's and not being able to eat out at all has turned me against it.  I've thought of going Paleo but then I couldn't drink my soda or eat any bread.  I would have to go gluten free and that is a pain in the butt.  Also I wouldn't be able to eat any popcorn.  So what is the answer?  I dread calorie counting.  Actually I reinstalled My Fitness Pal on my phone and tracked for a whole half a day before deleting it again knowing that I wasn't going to be able to keep it up.  I am in a real pickle.  I feel like I have just lost all motivation.  What I really want to focus on is eating healthy.  Maybe what that means is making sure I eat three solid meals a day, not junk food, and cut out sugar.  I'm not sure that is possible though.  If I could cut out sugar except for holidays and special events that would be a major victory.  I don't know if I can do it though.  I am filled with self doubt.  I am weary of this fight.  I feel battered and broken and have lost the will to try.  I can't even maintain in a normal way.  At least not yet.  I'm back up to 156.5 and I am so crushed.  Why do I do this to myself.  How could I let this happen?  I feel pudgy.  The 10 pounds I put back on, I can feel it in my face, on my legs, my arms, my stomach.  It doesn't feel good and yet I can't bring myself to do much about it.  I'm tired.  So tired of the mental drain, the physical drain and the emotional drain. 

So for now I'm just going to try to eat healthy meals and snacks.

Weaknesses

Thank you to everyone who commented or reached out to me yesterday.  It really helped and reminded me that even though I do not have people around here that know what I am going through, there are others online that I can reach out to for help and support.  One of the things that was recommended was for me to watch a mini series of short videos that was put out by my church on addiction.  There were 12 videos, each one talking about a step in the addiction recovery program and each one had a story from a different person.  Almost every single video was about a drug addiction and listening to these people's stories and the struggles they went through and the fight they went through to overcome their addictions really touched me.  I realized that my trial could be a lot worse.  When I binge on sugar I don't like the person I become.  I become cranky, mean, short tempered, tired, lethargic, and of course bloated and sick and I get bad headaches and stomach aches.  I don't like that person.  Being on sugar changes the way I act, albeit in a smaller way than being addicted to drugs. 

While I haven't eaten any candy or desserts over the past few days I have eaten chocolate chip pancakes and some pumpkin spice popcorn.  For now it seems, I've been able to regain some mental clarity.  Sometimes all you need to do is talk about your problems.  To reach out to others and feel like you are not alone.  I've been praying very hard as well for strength, for help.  Several of the videos talked about offering up your weaknesses and offering up your addictions to God and letting him take them from you.  Surrendering yourself to his will, confessing you have a problem and that you cannot do this on your own.  The idea of offering up my addictions was a new idea to me.  The idea of saying "here is this problem I have, please take this and give me the strength to overcome."  But not just offering up your weaknesses, but also asking for the very desire for that thing to be taken away.  It doesn't mean that you won't be tempted, after all every time you take a step towards God and towards righteousness, Satan doubles his efforts to drag you back down.  But you will be given strength to overcome Satan, you will be given strength to overcome weaknesses.  After all we are promised in the scriptures that God can make weak things strong. 

Darkness

I've been in a dark place over the past week.  In a place of uncontrollable cravings.  Sugar.  It's always there.  Always around.  Especially now.  Candy, Pie, Ice Cream, candy, candy, candy, candy.  One piece leading to another and another and another and there is no one around to stop me.  Only me, and I am not strong enough.  So I don't tell anyone what I'm eating.  I don't want anyone to know.  What would they think of me?  Would they think me disgusting, marvel in wonder at how one person could be such a slave to sugar?  No one around me knows that irresistible pull, the uncontrollable urges to eat sweets, and to keep on eating until you don't care about anything anymore.  You don't care about your health, your weight, what others might think.  Just as long as you can have some of that sweet sweet stuff in your mouth.  Chew, swallow, chew, swallow, repeat.  Until you feel sick and bloated and tired and miserable.  I hate myself when I do that.  I hate that I seemingly have no control, I hate that I let myself down again, I hate that after nearly three years I still can't figure this eating thing out.  I can't get off sugar, I can't control it, I can't put it in it's place.  One failure after another.  I can kick it out of my life for a while but then it comes creeping and soon flooding back in.  Like a drug addict looking for their next fix the hold sugar has over me seems frightening.  In times like these I wish I had a friend to talk to who knew what I was going through.  Someone who has been there, who has had to break the hold of food and sugar.  Who has had to fight and understands that the struggle is real.  My family just looks at me confused.  Wondering why it could possibly be so hard to eat normal portions and to eat healthy.  Wondering why I have been stuck here for a year and a half and why can't I just get to my goal weight and stay there.  What is so hard about it afterall?  Those who have never been overweight, those who have never had food addictions, those who haven't gone through weight loss can't understand.  They can understand the science, but not the emotion, not the psychological battle that must be played out day after day after day.  And when I'm tired of fighting, when I'm mentally and emotionally burnt out.  That's when it happens.  Day after day after day.  Giving in, until something finally smacks me in the face and says "pull yourself out of it".  So I do.  For a while.  But I always end up back there.  Back in that dark place where there is only me and food and that ever present desire for sugar. 

It strikes me now that I will probably never break free.  This is my trial.  This is my struggle.  This is my addiction.  I never thought of myself as an addict to anything.  I don't drink alcohol, or even coffee.  I don't do any drugs.  Addiction?  That was always something associated with substance abuse.  All those things we were told to avoid in the DARE programs.  Certainly not sugar, certainly not food.  But as I have tried again and again to free myself from the grasp of sugar and failed time and time again.  Giving into that pull, that undeniable urge to eat sugar, and not just a little bit, a whole lot of sugar.  I have come to realize how getting off drugs can be so hard for so many people.  Even when the physical cravings are gone, the psychological cravings are still there.  And I always end back up in the same place.  I'm not strong enough to resist forever.

A glimmer of hope shines through my darkness as I pour out my soul to my God seeking refuge from the storm.  Seeking help and strength.  A realization comes.  I've been doing this backwards.  I don't want to feel left out as I've said, but it seems that every time I pull myself out of a sugar coma and kick it out of my life, I miss an important event.  I chose to climb the incline on my anniversary instead of going out to eat and getting a fancy dessert.  I didn't get a birthday cake this year because I was doing the Whole 30.  And my temporary victory is consumed by the damage that I do after.  So.  Lets switch it around.  On holidays and special days I can eat treats, and on every other day of the year, sugar is off limits.  I'm not sure it's going to work, but at this point it's my last hope.