The Past Few Days

The past three days have gone well.  Tuesday evening we went out to Chick Fil A for dinner and I ordered a chicken soup with a chicken cobb salad.  I ended up getting the crispy chicken and then in hindsight I figured I probably should have ordered the grilled chicken, but by that time I was so hungry I didn't think straight while ordering.  We were out late unexpectedly and I had only had a shakeology for lunch and I didn't have a snack to carry me over.  I did my exercise Monday-Wednesday getting in three out of my four workouts already in for the week.  I don't want to workout more than four days a week.  Thinking back on the past three years, it wasn't until I started exercising six days a week that I started having problems with binging and my weight stalled.  I'm sure it's because I was working out more which caused me to be hungrier but I did not increase my caloric intake from the extra exercise, which led to me feeling super hungry and then led to binging episodes.  Just one of the many factors.  Besides with two little kids at home, I don't need or want to exercise any more than four days a week.  There is lots to do and they keep me pretty active. 

Today I helped Chloe learn how to ride a bike.  It went ok for a first time.  She has to get her feet going better but by the end she kind of understood how to push down.  She still has a long way to go.  We also went to the park in the afternoon because we finally had a decent day.  It was 57 degrees today, the warmest it's been in a long time.  We've had 30 degree weather for over a month.   Lily rode her bike to the park and Chloe went in the wagon.  I had to run to keep up with Lily, so that was some additional exercise.  You can certainly get in a lot of exercise in a day with little kids, all you have to do is choose to be active.  I can choose to sit on the couch all day or I can choose to dance with my kids and do activities and to be active.  Each way of life is possible, I've lived both ways of life.  Now I am choosing to live a more active life.  It makes everyone happier.

I have been feeling a lot better physically, mentally, and emotionally since I have started eating better.  It never ceases to amaze me how much what you eat affects you.  When I eat junk food and sweets I feel just awful.  I am angry, tired, and moody.  When I eat whole foods I feel good, have more energy, and am much more positive. 

I was still pretty tired in the afternoon today.  Afterall I did Cize in the morning, then went in for (hopefully) my final blood draw, then taught Chloe how to ride a bike, then took the kids to the park.   I'm tired. 

Leftover Chicken Fajitas for dinner.  Still not tracking.  I figure when I stop losing weight I can start thinking about changing what I'm doing.  But for now, this is hard enough.  I'm tired of dieting.  I'm tired of choosing a diet, whatever it is.  Low carb, calorie restriction, Ketosis, weight watchers, it doesn't matter.  I'm kind of trying to do intuitive eating loosely based around Paleo and Whole 30, but not super strict. 

Monday Weigh In

So I have been on my new plan for one week.  I haven't been hungry, but I haven't been eating whatever I want either.  I've been trying to adhere to the Whole 30 guidelines when I eat my meals and snacks, and one meal a day is Shakeology.  I eat one snack a day about three hours after I have shakeology because let's face it, a shake just can't keep you full for six hours.  Here are some highlights of the past week:

• I did not eat any candy
• We went out to eat one time at a Chinese Restaurant and I ordered the Happy Family which is meat, and seafood and vegetables.  I can't vouch for how healthy the sauce is.  I also tried a few bites of my husband's General Tsao Chicken and the kids Lo Mein. 
• I drank my Shakeology for one meal every day.  I needed a snack after my Shakeology meal
• I ate if I was hungry, but kept to the Whole 30 rules.  My snacks were mainly fruit with almond butter or other nuts. 
• I did not track any calories or the food I was eating
• I probably ate too many "fats" such as nuts and oils
• I did not make popcorn Friday night when Matt and I watched the new Mission Impossible movie (Rogue Nation which I loved by the way). 
• Matt asked me to make brownies on Saturday and I had a brownie and made popcorn when the Family watched Star Wars III together.  I figured it was a family activity which warranted some extra fun.
• The day after I ate popcorn and a brownie, I got right back on track and I didn't have a brownie the next day even though I wanted one, there was not a good reason to eat one and it would just be giving into temptation and I'm working on changing my habits.
• I got in 3 out of my goal of 4 workouts for the week
• I drank four 12-oz cans of soda last week, the rest was all water
• I started my first cycle since my miscarriage, which we all know influences energy levels, mood, and willpower

I think it was a great week.  I showed self control, while being able to indulge when appropriate.  Here are my results:

Last week: weight:  166.6 body fat: 36%

Today:       Weight : 165.4  body fat 35.5%

For a total of 1.2 pounds lost and .5% body fat down

I'm happy with that.  One thing I need to let go of is the idea of rapid weight loss.  Last week was hard enough to just maintain control and get in three workouts.  It was tough.  I don't need to put any more pressure on myself.  Once living this way gets easier, then I can make another change, but for now, this is enough.

Here are a few photos from last week:

Shakeology

Turkey Salad with Olive oil and balslamic vinegar as a dressing

Cize workout done!

 

 

What is it all about?

I made it through the last two days.  It's been tough, but I have come to a few realizations over the past few days.  I've been thinking about why I'm doing it this time.  Before it was always to lose weight.  Now, not so much.  Now it's not about deprivation, it's about freedom from food.  It's not about weight loss, it's about living a better life and being a better person.  I am an angry, grumpy, and lethargic person when I eat a lot of sugar and when I don't eat well.  It is hard to eat healthy, it is hard to not eat sugar and to not snack all the time.  Sometimes in the afternoon I get these urges in my jaw to just eat something.  It's like a weird twinge in my jaw that just wants to much.  And not on gum or anything healthy.  I want to snack, and much sweets and buttered popcorn.  I want to eat because it's a habit that I have created.  Not out of boredom, not out of emotional eating, but just because that is what I do.  In the afternoon, I go munch.  Then of course I feel bloated with food and I just feel awful and cranky.  So this time, it's about changing habits, and becoming a happier and less angry person.  A person with more energy who isn't so obsessed with food and weight loss. 

It is hard, but it is necessary.  Sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do because it is something we need to do.  The right thing to do isn't always the easiest thing to do.  Cleaning up my eating is the right thing to do, and it's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Return to what I know

Well I finally made it past day one.  *phew.  It wasn't easy either.  I decided to do another Whole 30, or in my case a Whole 365.  Except that this year is leap year so it should be 366, but today is day 18 so.... whatever, you get the idea.  Moving on.  Back to changing bad habits.  Bad habits don't change without work.  If I want to feel better I'm going to have to work for it.  The first two weeks of this year got me no where.  I didn't feel like I was making healthier choices and I was right back in the snack and sugar zone for several days around Chloe's party.  So Whole 30 it is.  Only modified ever so slightly.  Purists would say that it isn't really a Whole 30 then, but I don't care.  The point is not necessarily to do a Whole 30.  It's not about the diet this time.  It's about feeling better physically.  It's about having better mental clarity.  It's about not being a slave to food.  It's about being a happier person because I know that eating crummy makes me behave crummy.  I am much more grouchy when I eat sugar.  That's just a fact.  If I want to be a better mom, yell less at the kids, have more patience, have more energy, then I need to get my butt into gear and stop living my life in a food fog. 

Today was tough.  It is not easy to break through the food fog.  So many times today I just wanted to sit down and snack.  I eat to change the way I feel.  Not only emotionally but physically too.  If I'm uncomfortable physically, I think eating will fix it. (when usually the opposite is true, and not eating is the only thing that can fix it).  I hate feeling even the slightest bit in pain.  Or cruddy I suppose.  And I immediately think that I need to go eat to fix the feeling in my stomach, because it's usually my stomach that is upset from so much junk.  So of course I go and eat junk to fix the feeling in my stomach which leads to feeling even more sick which leads to eating more junk and it's just a bad cycle until I'm too sick to eat and I go to bed and wake up the next morning with a mild stomach ache. 

Yes today was hard.  I wanted to eat around 10:00 and 11:00 and again at 1:00 and 2:00.  Lily asked for popcorn today and my head was screaming "YES!" but I am glad to say that I refrained for once.  I am serious about doing another Whole 30 (with one slight modification).  That modification being Shakeology for lunch.  Whole 30 does not endorse eating shakes for meals as it is trying to teach you how to eat real food.  Shakeology also contains a few off plan foods like Whey protein and I'm sure there is probably some form of sugar in there.  But I feel good when I drink Shakeology and lunch is the worst meal of the day for me.  I never know what to eat and gosh darn it I just can't cook and clean three meals every stinkin day.  I need one free meal that requires minimal making and cleaning up.  I have never been good at making all my meals for the week in one day, or power cooking as some call it.  I do much better making one large meal and eating if for the next three days, and then making something else. 

I went to Costco today and stocked up on meats, fish, and veggies.  My freezer is stocked and I'm ready to start feeling better.  I just have to hold on with both hands and make it through the first two weeks.  Then I will be feeling so much better and have more energy, and it will be much easier to resist temptation. 

One day down.  I don't want to have to repeat day 1, it stunk bad enough.  I physically felt bad from so many poor food choices.  It will be nice to get all the crud out of my system and start feeling good again. 

Chloe's birthday

Definitely not my best eating day. In fact, today and the past few days have made me realize something important.  I have no normal eating pattern.  Normal doesn't exist for me.  If I'm not actively trying to eat well, I just eat like crap all the time.  I don't ever naturally make the healthy choice.  So I need a better plan of attack, and I'm going back to what I really wanted to do at the beginning of the year that I of course already forgot about.  I can't forget about it again.  I need to focus on it.  I need to do it.  One meal shakeology, one meal paleo, one meal Whole 30.  One healthy snack after my Shakeology.  Treats only allowed on special occasion days.  It really is amazing how quickly I forget what I'm supposed to be doing.  How easy it is to make unhealthy choices.  I attended a webnar this past week that was about breaking the yoyo diet cycle and a couple things they mentioned that really hit me was that you need to make healthy choices not because you hate yourself and you want to lose weight.  But because you love yourself and eating your vegetables is good for you and good for your body.  You need to act out of a place of love for yourself vs a place of hatred for yourself.  That I think is key to being able to naturally choose the healthier choice.  When you love yourself and your body you want to treat it well.  And of course that helps with emotional eating because I'm not eating then to cover up the pain of hating myself so much. 

On another topic, today was Chloe's birthday.  We are having her big party tomorrow but she got her cake today and all her presents from us.  She turned 3 today.  I love this little girl!

New Idea

I woke up this morning to an unpleasant surprise: I was sore everywhere! Especially my back.  I was totally caught off guard because I didn't really feel like I was doing anything too difficult in my workout, but I guess not exercising for 5 weeks will take its toll.  Today was pretty busy but I feel like it had a nice flow to it.  The kids watched a couple episodes of Dora this morning, so I decided to play my flute while they were watching TV.  After that the kids ate breakfast (I had an egg, some ham and some hash browns) and then we got ready to run some errands.  Chloe's birthday is on Friday so we had to pick up some streamers and party favors.  I was surprised to see that the dollar store by our house has a balloon station!  So I ordered Chloe a birthday balloon bouquet and it was only $7!  That's awesome.  Each balloon at party city is like $5, and that's for the smaller ones.  I ordered them for pickup on Friday, so they will be good to go for the weekend.  I'm sure they won't last as long as a more expensive Helium balloon, but I guess I will find out. 

After shopping it was only 10:45 so I ignored the urge to eat, because I usually sit down after grocery shopping and eat something to de-stress.  Instead I turned on Cize and got my workout in.  I'm really glad that the first week workout is only 30 minutes long.  I'm having a tough time with just that length.  I have a lot of catching up to do to get back to where I was.  It will come though, in it's own time.  Lunch was left over Chicken Mole, and I didn't eat a snack this afternoon and today was the first day that I didn't feel utterly exhausted in the afternoon either.  My body must be reacting to the healthier food I've been attempting to eat.  At any rate, much less sugar.  Speaking of sugar, I have come up with a  new idea for regulating my sugar consumption.  I pay pretty close attention to how many sweets the kids are eating, and I really try not to OD them on sugar.  When they eat cookies they always get either one or maybe two if they have been really good.  They only get one piece of candy at a time, even on Halloween they aren't allowed free reign of candy, they get a whole lot more because it's a holiday, but they can't sit there and eat their whole bucket.  (Now my kids are 5 and 3 so that probably won't work when they get a bit older but for now the parent's still regulate their candy.)  So I figure to myself.  Why am I doing something that I won't let my kids do?  So I decided that I am only allowed to eat what I allow my kids to eat.  So today, the kids each got to pick one piece of candy.  They both chose small candies, so I got to eat one wedge of a chocolate orange and that's all the sweets I ate today because that's all the kids ate today.  I think that it is going to work out well because in general I care much more about my kids health than my own.

I suppose it could backfire and I could start letting my kids eat more sweets because I want to eat more sweets.... but lets keep things positive!  Dinner tonight was a Whole 30 recipe that was basically a taco casserole.  It had lots of chopped up veggies like carrots, bell peppers, parsnips, and those were cooked with ground beef with taco seasoning, placed in a baking dish and then you put grated sweet potato on top.  I really like it... especially with buffalo sauce. yum yum

That's it for today.  This month I am not calorie counting.  I am going to see how I do without it because I really just don't want to do it, so lets see how far I can go without it for now.  I am only weighing myself once a month because I have to break my bad habit of obsessively weighing myself every day and then hating myself and hating life if I gained, or am stuck at the same weight.  So once a month it is.  I've had to fight off the urges to weigh myself already and it's only been just over a week.  Usually every other day I have to remind myself I'm not weighing.  Hopefully the urge to weigh will decrease as time goes on and I discover a more natural way of living instead of all the yo yoing I've been doing the past two years. 

Time

I'm going to try to get back in to blogging much more frequently.  Trying to just sum up how the day has gone.  This past week was difficult.  Mostly the weekend.  My grandmother's funeral was this weekend and there was a lot of food around for the funeral and we were sent home with leftovers. 


My grandma was cremated and placed in a side by side urn.  She is in one side and Grandpa will be in the other.

I couldn't really control what was available, which turned out to be fried chicken.  I ate potatoes and chicken and some vegetables and tried to stay away from the dessert table.  I didn't have any dessert at lunch time but caved in after dinner and ate two cookies.  But I call that a success.  Anytime I don't binge on sugar and exhibit self control is a success.  Besides, we are doing long term, not short term starvation.  I do have to be careful with sweets though, I notice that I get headaches really fast when I eat sweets.  So that is something I am going to try to focus on is how the food makes me feel, not how I am feeling when I eat it.  Some things just aren't worth the after effects.  I also notice that it is much easier to avoid consuming unhealthy foods when I am not hungry.  So if I haven't eaten lunch or dinner and I really want something sweet, I need to just make sure I eat my meal first.  Sunday's are hard because we have church from 11-2.  I need to bring a snack but I'm not sure what.  I have some Whey protein bars but when I eat them I get really moody and cranky and I don't feel that good.  I think it's because of the Whey and my body doesn't like whey. 

Today I started my new exercise program!  I did the first Cize DVD and had a good time.  I'm glad it's only 30 minutes long for the first week, I haven't exercised in over a month waiting for my body to heal from the miscarriage  (I should be finding out today if my hormonal levels are finally back down to zero).  I have had to get my blood drawn 5 times, plus all the extra bleeding from the miscarriage, I didn't want to add exercise into that mix.  Today was harder than I expected, it's been a while and my body has been through some major changes, plus of course the 20 pounds I gained.  But I'm not deterred!  Onward and Forward. 

Another thing I am doing now that is helping is I have gotten rid of the sense of time.  Every moment is a new moment.  In order to try and rid myself of the bad habit of eating something bad one day and then saying "well I guess I ruined today and I better just start over tomorrow so I'm going to eat everything I can today because it's all off limits again tomorrow", I am getting rid of the idea of time.  Each moment is a new moment.  So if I ate a cookie at lunch I'm not saying "well I ate a cookie so might as well throw away this day" I am saying "this is a new moment and a new choice, and in this moment it is important to make a good choice".  Every choice I make matters. 

So that is what is going on with me right now, I plan on checking in much more frequently from here on out.

New Years Week

This past week has been super busy.  I'm playing my flute at the funeral and so I've been practicing a bunch for that. I've also been working of the DVD that we are going to play and of course windows movie maker is not available for Windows 10.  surprise surprise.  Fortunately we have a desktop downstairs that has windows 7 on it.  It seems like there is less free software coming out.  My computer doesn't even have a program to play DVDs on it like all my old laptops did.  Anyway, I feel like I have been doing pretty well this week with my food.  I am starting to feel better and I am coming out of the junk food fog.  I'm not as cranky, and I'm not as tired.  I haven't started exercising again yet.  I'm planning to start cize on Monday.  Hopefully adding in the exercise doesn't send me back to the exhausted all day phase.  It shouldn't since the exercises are only 30 minutes-50 minutes long and I'm not going to be exercising for two hours.  That was just way too much for me.  I didn't know how to fuel my body for that, and what to eat to recover afterwards.  So it was a bad cycle of working out too much and then binging on sweets and then feeling guilty and working out too much and then binging on more food that was not beneficial for me. 

For breakfast I pretty much just eat eggs, and potatoes with either macadamia nuts or avocado.  I don't get hungry until lunch time when I eat that for breakfast.  For lunch I have been doing Shakeology and I notice that since my lunch is pretty light, I do need an afternoon snack.  That can get sticky.  I've been trying to combine elements of food together like fruit and almond butter or carrots and hummus.  Trying to think of a good snack that is related paleo.  Hummus isn't allowed on Paleo but I haven't noticed a diehard reason for cutting it completely from my diet yet... unlike dairy.  Dairy is no good for me.  Especially milk in large quantities.  I went out with a friend a few days ago and I ordered a White Hot Chocolate as a treat (we get to go out once a year since we don't live in the same state).  I felt so sick that night.  My stomach hurt, I was bloated and gassy, and felt awful.  Milk is not good for my body.  So I'm avoiding as much dairy as possible.  Just a little bit doesn't hurt like a little bit of cheese, but yogurt, milk, and even ice cream make me feel crummy.  Glad I know that now.  I used to be a big dairy fan.  Why knew my body didn't like it?  I can also eat Whey protein bars.  That doesn't seem to bother me too much.  I'm trying not to eat many bars, but I do have them in the pantry and I don't want to throw them away, so I'm working my way through them and then I think I won't buy anymore.  They are helpful when I need to rush out the door and don't know what to grab for snack if I'm planning on being gone for the next six hours. 

Tonight I ate Fajitas made in the crock pot.  I had planned on making some gluten free tortillas but by the time we got home the kids were throwing such a fit that they were hungry that I decided to forego the homemade tortillas and pull the store bought ones out of the pantry.  Of course the kids decided not to eat any of their dinner anyway. 

I do have my starting weight and measurements for the year which are:
Weight: 166.4
Waist: 36"
Hips: 41 3/4"
R. Leg: 26"

I was lazy and figured that was enough measurements.  The plan is to measure and weigh once a month and as long as I am going down that is good enough for me.  I don't care if I only loose two pounds a month.  I am so sick of playing the diet game, I am ready to find a long term solution.  Not snacking all day and not automatically eating sweets the second I see something sitting on the counter is hard.  But I know the consequence of eating those things, and I know how much I need to change my bad habits and develop good food relationships.  So my breakfast is basically Whole 30, my lunch is Shakeology, and my dinner is Paleo and my snack is whatever healthy thing I can come up with (healthy being not sweets or junk food and preferably not packaged but sometimes it's just easier).  I'm letting go of being perfect, I'm letting go of "never again" and I'm letting go of restriction.  I can eat birthday cake, I can get a treat a the restaurant, I can enjoy holiday meals with the family.  I can't binge at home, I can't sit on my butt and eat junk all day.  By making the home the center for healthy eating and really focusing in on making it a place for healthy eating, it will help me in so many ways because really, out of 21 meals a week, 19 are eaten at home. (most of the time).