Revelations

I've been perusing books about "how to think like skinny people" and intuitive eating, and rewiring your brain, and even the whole abstainer vs moderator thing.  The problem with the abstainer vs moderator thing is that I can relate to both groups.  When I think about giving up the foods I like for extended periods of time I freak out and then that can lead to binging when the foods are no longer off limits or when I "blow it" for the day.  I also have a hard time just taking one bite or having just one serving and then being fine.  A little bit never seems to be enough.  One thing about abstainers is that they are not tempted by foods that they have deemed are off limits.  That's not true for me, I am absolutely tempted by food even if I have deemed it to be off limits.  "I know I'm not supposed to eat it, but it looks soooooo good!"  I can't blame my eating on any emotional trauma.  I've had my ups and downs and I know I'm an emotional eater.  But I am at peace with my past, I am at peace with my present and the most traumatic thing that happened to me besides this most recent event of hemorrhaging was being turned down by my high school crush.  This leads me to a very important conclusion for me, something I didn't really want to admit about myself because it means a lot of hard work, which is something I tend to want to avoid. 

Truth be told.  I simply just like food.  I like to eat.  Eating is fun, yummy and easy.  Making food takes effort, but eating food is easy and pleasurable.  Eating yummy food is even better because it is even more fun and even more pleasurable and your brain releases even more feel good neurotransmitters.  So, I just like food.  I like everything about food.  I like everything about eating.  It's my favorite thing in the whole world to do.  Food is everywhere.  Good food is everywhere, and it is easy to get.  High carb yummy delicious nutrient lacking food is easy to get.  Every second of every day, it's always there.  So there is no reason not to partake.  It's as easy as pie, which is also delicious. 

So I like food, that might not in and of itself be a problem if it weren't for the second thing I have come to realize about myself.  I am inherently lazy.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's true.  Given the choice, I tend to choose to move less.  Play with the kids outside or sit inside and dink around on my phone.  Clean the kitchen or watch a movie with my kids.  I always want to choose the path of least resistance.  Some people will tell you that this is natural and that it goes back to ancient times when we would try to conserve energy.  See that doesn't help me choose to move more.  Just gives me another excuse to be lazy. 

I also tend to be impulsive.  So giving into cravings is pretty much a given on a daily basis.  Sometimes I wonder if giving into cravings is harder because I want to eat the food, or because I have a hard time controlling my impulses.  So it all boils down to mastery of self, which I am obviously not anywhere near close to.  I feel like I need to just buckle down and do it, like Katie did from runsforcookies.com  .  She was talking about just doing it and getting it over with.  I need to just decide what I am going to do and follow through.  I have tried so many different things over the past few years that I have a pretty good idea of what will work and what I want my long term life to look like.  I just have to do it, be willing to change, be willing to work, be willing to put in the effort and right now I am just too darn lazy and I like eating food.  Mentally I don't feel ready even if I'm screaming inside that I want to be thinner and to be healthier and I want to be free of food cravings.  I need to make an action plan and then follow through.


Following up on my last post, I feel like I have recovered from the surgery, but I am not yet fully recovered from the blood loss and the past three months of trauma my body went through.  I'm still incredibly tired and pretty much unmotivated to do anything.  I took the kids to a place called Focus on the Family where I could sit and watch them play with pretty much minimal effort.  They are pretty cooped up from me being out of commission this past week.  Hopefully now my body will heal and I can get my emotions and hormones under control and start feeling better soon.

Hemorrhaging due to miscarraige

So Matt brings this home from Costco on Monday

Which has been tempting me all week.  Temptation has been rising and falling all week in a crazy roller coaster ride, made only harder by my body misbehaving.  This week has been really rough.  A lot of confusion, exhaustion, worry, and stress.  So I mentioned before that I started gushing blood on Sunday.  That is when it really started to get bad.  I thought my body was cleaning itself out and I think my body was trying to clean itself out, but I just wasn't quite getting it done.  It stopped bleeding Sunday night, and through Monday it wasn't bleeding much.  After talking with my sister, I believe that my body had successfully clotted, but I was still having really bad cramping.  Tuesday afternoon came and I started dumping blood in small amounts again.  So I blew out the clots.  Tons of blood and clots were coming out.  The one time I missed the toilet my pants were soaked in blood within a matter of seconds.  However, again it stopped, so I wasn't quite sure what to do.  I figured "ok, it's stopping I must be getting over it".  Then comes Wednesday and I didn't bleed much until about 2 in the afternoon when again it started dumping in small portions.  Wednesday night I had another major episode of blood gushing everywhere.  When reading about hemorrhaging they talk about saturating overnight pads in under 2 hours.  I was so confused because nothing was consistent.  I was saturating an overnight pad in seconds.  But then the bleeding would stop.  After Wednesday night's episode I decided I should call the doctor in the morning.  It was a really bad episode, involving washing my pants because I was just soaked and the blood kept pouring out.  By the time I went to bed I was so anxious about it I just couldn't sleep.  I got up a little while later to go to the bathroom and more blood came gushing out.  I was getting more concerned because usually the blood stopped at night, and this time it didn't.  I went back to bed in the hopes of getting some rest only to get up half an hour later and have even more blood go gushing into the toilet.  By that time I was wide awake and woke up Matt to tell him what was going on.  After talking about it for a bit we decided to go to the ER.  I called my mom at 1:15AM and thank goodness her phone was on and she answered.  She got to our house about 2AM and in the meantime I had two additional episodes of blood gushing, by which point I felt justified in going to the ER because it had never been that bad before. 

When we got to the ER and they asked what was wrong and I told them I was hemorrhaging the person who checks you in had this look of horror on her face.  People can die within minutes when they are hemorrhaging.  Fortunately, I hadn't gotten to that point.  My blood pressure was 120/something when I got there which was perfectly fine, and surprising considering the amount of blood I lost it told me two things. 1: I had tons of adrenaline and stress hormone running through my body and 2: We got to the hospital before it got really serious which was a good thing.  Having a little more time is always a good thing.  While waiting to be seen I had another episode.  I didn't have to wait long.  There weren't many people in the waiting room at 2am.  I really liked the doctor who came in to see me.  She was very sympathetic to my plight and she seemed really peeved that I had been dealing with this for three months.  Most women get over a miscarriage in one month and she said that there was no reason I should still be dealing with this three months later.  She had to do a pelvic exam not unlike your yearly exam at the doctor, but she couldn't see anything due to all the blood and clots coming out.  Afterwards, it was an ultrasound and fortunately they were able to confirm that I had fetal tissue still attached to my uterine wall.  It was partially attached, and that tissue is vascularized.  So blood was pouring into my uterus from my blood stream because that tissue was still partially attached.  I didn't know that was what caused hemorrhaging in a miscarriage or birth.  After they confirmed what was going on they were able to order the D and C.  They had told me that usually they don't do emergency D and Cs in the middle of the night unless the woman is bleeding out and isn't going to make it until morning.  So I might have to go home and schedule the surgery for later in the day since I wasn't technically on my death bed at the time.  However, by blood pressure dropped from 120 to 95 in 3 hours and the doctor kept seeing how much blood I was losing.  By this time, I was dumping blood every 20-30 minutes and the doctor was afraid I was going to become anemic soon.  My doctor being sympathetic to my plight was able to get my OB to agree to perform the surgery at 7:20 in the morning. 

I'd never been put under general anesthesia before.  They actually gave me the drugs in my IV instead of in a gas form like I thought they would.  It was an interesting experience and I wish I could fall asleep that fast at night.  I was just out, and then waking up and they gave me some pain meds through my IV and made me eat an ice chip, which I did a pathetic job of choking down.  I was utterly exhausted.  Not sleeping at all the night before, and then having the anesthesia in my system.  I didn't want to wake up, I just wanted to sleep.  So I pretty much ignored everyone and slept until they sent my husband in to wake me up.  I guess they were concerned because they told him that I was really groggy and having a hard time waking up and that maybe if he went in there I would wake up more.  He got me to wake up.  I couldn't ignore him ;-)  and not long after I was discharged.  We live 5 minutes from the hospital and it was the worst car ride of my life.  I was nauseous within two seconds of the car starting and I almost didn't make it home.  When we got home, I almost threw up in my driveway.  But there wasn't anything in my stomach.  My little sister had spent the day with the kids to let mom go to work (grateful that they let her take the day off of school) and when I got home I largely laid on the couch feeling sick.  Matt bought Chipotle for lunch.  I didn't want to veer too off track, but given the circumstances I didn't feel like I could put up much of a fit about staying on the Whole 30.  I had a salad from Chipotle with no dressing, but put guacamole on instead.  It had beans and rice in it which are not Whole 30 approved but given the circumstances, I just let it be.  Mom also made dinner for us that night.  We got a three and a half hour nap and mom Made us salmon and veggies (from my freezer.  All my emergency foods that are quick and easy to make are pretty much depleted now since I have been using them all week and haven't been to the store all week).  She also made more rice.  I had only a little bit of rice since I'd had it for lunch.  Mostly just to taste because she made it with chicken broth instead of water and it was really good. 

I feel like I didn't eat a lot.  I wasn't very hungry. Well, I woofed down my chipotle, but after that I haven't felt too hungry and yesterday I even skipped lunch.  I've just been doing the best I can sticking to a healthy diet.  I've had to drink some diet soda yesterday and today just to wake up.  I've got the kids all by myself and I can only leave them alone watching a movie for so long (like, until the movie is over) and without the caffeine I wouldn't have been able to do squat. 

My older sister is coming over tonight and hopefully I will be feeling better tomorrow.  Today I'm not really in pain anymore, and the bleeding has stopped (at least I haven't bled today, who knows if it will start again tomorrow.  My body seems to like playing tricks on me).  At this point it's the fatigue, and a general feeling of crumminess.  But I think I am on the mend, and once I fully recover and can cook my own food again, I will resume my Whole 30.  For now, it's enough that I don't eat that cake that is still in the refrigerator.

The importancne of Meal planning

Well, I've made it to day 6.  I'm actually very surprised that I have made it this far.  I've been floundering so much lately that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to come back to healthy eating.  I was just too depressed, too much in the clutches of sugar and being very impulsive and giving in.  My will power practically gone.  This past week has been miserable.  I have a knack for timing these things just perfectly.  Last time I did the Whole 30 I still had a cold, so the first week was especially miserable because I already felt awful from my head cold (it was the worst sickness I have had in a very long time.  It was also coupled with a sinus infection) so the symptoms were coupled with the withdrawal effects from getting off sugar and a high carb diet and also getting off caffeine.  This time around I started and my cramps and emotions and hormones were raging wildly all week, culminating in the events of Sunday, which were awful enough, but I had severe headaches and massive cravings.  It's been a tough week... And I still have two days to get through before the end of week one. 

Week one is always the hardest.  Week one is the week where my cravings are running wild.  It's also the week where all these thoughts tend to run through my head "why am I doing this again?  Am I sure I really want to do this?  I just started so it is okay if I go off track now because I can just start again tomorrow."  Not the best thoughts to be having but that is what goes through my mind every time. 

Last night I pulled some fish out of the freezer for dinner since I had forgotten to defrost the chicken for the meal I had planned.  Speaking of meal planning, I need to do that today.  I can't even stress how important meal planning and being prepared is.  If I don't know what to make, then odds are I won't be cooking or if I do cook it won't be nearly as heathy.  It's usually something involving pasta.  And I have backups for those days when my planned meal just doesn't work out.  I always keep fish in the freezer, because it thaws fast and is easy and fast to cook.  I also like to keep frozen vegetables on hand for those times I don't have time to actually make a vegetable side dish.  I can just put some oil, and seasoning on those vegetables and put them in my Pampered Chef micro cooker, and nuke them in the microwave and they come out great.   I also have Whole 30 approved chicken sausage on hand as a backup too.  I love chicken sausage and for lunch or even dinner I can microwave them (the fastest method) and serve them with vegetables and avocado, or when it's warmer outside I can grill them, or sometimes I will make a potato hash with them if I'm feeling particularly creative.  You don't need a lot of backups, just a few.  I have a friend who makes freezer meals and uses those as a backup.  Those are excellent and I keep telling myself that I should do it, but since I cook three meals a day I can't bring myself to spend a whole day cooking, although it might pay off in the end on future days..... I really should do that.  Then depending on what your freezer meal is, you can put it frozen in the crock pot, or thaw it in the fridge the day before and have it ready to go.  I like the crock pot better.  If I'm going to spend a long time prepping these things, then it had better go wickedly fast on the day I'm actually making them.  I'll take a look into it and maybe write a series on it.  As an ex-pampered chef consultant, I've had a lot of exposure to freezer meals.  Anyway, that's all my ramblings for today. 

Faceplanting into chocolate

I didn't think I would make it past this day.  It started out alright, but everything went to heck in a handbasket around noon.  If I didn't feel so weak and awful I would not have made it.  Especially with Matt pestering me to bake brownies.  Maybe pestering is too strong of a word.  He made it known that we no longer had anything sweet to eat in the house and he wanted brownies.  I told him he could make them himself and eat his own brownies. 

The day started out well, despite being incredibly tired when I woke up.  Fortunately Matt let me sleep in.  I didn't get up until 8am, almost a full 2 hours after my usual waking time.  I made poached eggs with hash browns and some avocado for breakfast.  It kept me full for a long time, which was great because church is from 11-2 this year, which is awful since you don't get to eat lunch.  We've gotten into a bad habit of gorging ourselves at 2:30 and then not eating dinner.  Maybe it evens out in the end.  Anyway, I packed a Larabar since I still have those around as a snack and that worked out just fine.  Around noon, I felt my cramps coming on.  I've been really emotional, moody, and crampy all week as my cycle hit on Tuesday.  Today however, I was about to have a whole new experience.  I barely made it through the remainder of church as my cramps escalated.  I quickly took Ibuprofen when I got home and practically passed out on the couch.  I was in a lot of pain.  Fortunately the kids had eaten a large breakfast and no one really wanted anything at the moment.  The kids just played with their little princesses and Matt kept me company.  When I decided I could walk again around 3:30, I hadn't been standing for long when I needed to take a trip to the bathroom.  It was like having my miscarriage all over again.  I had no idea so much could still be inside.  My hormone levels were at 17 and I thought that was low enough there wouldn't be much left, but I was wrong.  In fact so much was coming out that I was getting nervous and wondering if something was wrong.  Fortunately the bleeding stopped and I'm just fine.  This whole experience has been awful, especially because it seems to keep coming back.  (And I really tried to censor the experience so it wouldn't be too much information, but I wanted to write about what really happened because this is life and life sucks sometimes.)  Already being an emotional wreak from the hormones, all I wanted to do was to face plant into a giant chocolate cake.  I almost gave into Matt's plea for brownies.  Except I felt too weak, tired and a little lightheaded to do much but lie down and play games on my phone. 

I'm headed to bed early tonight, but I successfully made it through day 4.  Not sure if the events of today helped or hindered my successful completion of day 4.  My sugar cravings even now are at an all time high, and they are especially bad because I have been giving into them unceasingly since I had my miscarriage almost three months ago.  It's interesting how different people's body's act differently.  I was talking to a friend a church today and she said she had a miscarriage and the next month she was pregnant.  Clearly, it's taking my body a lot longer to recover.  I don't know why, but I guess the doctors keep monitoring my hormone levels for a reason and I should stop complaining about it.  That being said, I still hope recent events means that my hormone levels are now below 5 and after tomorrow's blood draw I can stop going in to get my blood drawn. 

Day 3 Whole 30 round 2

I've made it past day three.  Today was harder not because I was hungry or tempted to eat things I knew I shouldn't.  It was because of my mood.  I was tired and cranky all day.  The past two days I've had a headache and I've been dealing with some pretty bad cramps.  I'm pretty sure I jumped into the "Kill all the Things" phase today.  I've just been grumpy, moody, and tired.  But I know that my body is just adjusting and past this, good things are to come.  We did go on a hike today, which was good for me. I'm at about 16k steps for the day.  I haven't been exercising much lately so it was good for me to get out.  I feel like my athletic abilities are back at square zero.  Not very encouraging to get started and get moving again.  As my weight rises, my desire to move decreases and it's just a vicious cycle.  I'm hoping that two weeks into my Whole 30 I will have more desire to move again just because I have more energy.  I do want to work out, it's just that right now I feel so awful.  I need to get my eating back in control first so my body can feel good again. 

Today I ate my traditional egg scramble with sweet potato/russet potato hash browns and a few macadamia nuts on the side.  That was my breakfast.  For dinner I had leftover curry.  The recipe calls for scallops, but I've only ever made it with shrimp.  It's still really good.  One of my favorite Whole 30 compatible recipes.  I made it with cauliflower rice and asparagus, yum yum.  Dinner was buffalo ranch turkey meatballs with zucchini noodles.  Those are also very good.  Of course I like all things with buffalo sauce in them.  Even Chloe ate one of the meatballs.  She is much better at eating spicy food than Lily.  She is also much less picky.

By the evening, the kids were really grating on my nerves. It was the whininess and I just couldn't put up with it anymore.  First whining of needing a bandaid (which they didn't but I obliged while I was trying to finish making dinner) and then it was the wrong princess so she threw a fit over that.  Then Chloe was throwing a fit over eating her cookies a certain way.  It was a mess.  They ended up going to bed at 6:30, which is a whole half hour before their bed time, but I think with the hike they needed the extra sleep. 

Well that's about all, sorry I haven't been good at posting pictures lately, I will try to be better, even if it is just pictures of my food.

Here we go again

I've tried many things over the years.  I can honestly say I have mastered the sustainable lifestyle.  The problem is, eating sustainably tends to make me gain weight, but it sure is something I could sustain for the rest of my life.  I've been giving it a lot of thought, and one thing keeps nagging at me.  That of course is the Whole 30.  That was the one time through all this that I really felt good.  The one time I really felt my cravings diminish, the one time I actually had energy that lasted throughout the whole day, the one time my mood was improved and I wasn't cranky or depressed.  The one time I wasn't hungry or sick from ODing on whatever.  And so it's time to bring it back.  A pure, unadulterated Whole 30.  But 30 days wasn't long enough.  I want to do a Whole 90.  I'm pretty sure I won't make it that long without ending up going out to eat, but I'm going to do my absolute best, especially for the first 30 days.  I've been talking to my neighbor and she suggests really focusing on life after Whole 30.  She shared this website with me: gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2012/05/quiz-are-you-an-abstainer-or-a-moderator/

In there it talks about two different types of people.  Those who do better at abstaining and those who do better at moderating.  I have tried my whole life to be a moderator.  But I have never been good at having just one, or eating one cookie twice a week.  Once I start, it's all over.  It's the first place that I've ever heard that it is ok to be different that a moderator.  That's just not me.  I will never be good at moderation because I have such a hard time controlling myself once I indulge.  I do better with a set of rules and the Whole 30 rules are powerful because you never go hungry.  There is a real power in not being hungry.  You are seriously choosing the best foods to fuel your body, and there is no calorie counting or restricting.  Granted you do give up a lot of other food choices, but what is left, is pure whole good food that makes you and your body feel good.  It lifts my mood, my energy, my motivation.  I felt so good when I competed in that Triathlon last year and right now I feel so crummy.  I think I'm at a new all time low.  I've been feeling depressed, tired, cranky, moody, angry, stressed.  Of course all that leads to emotional eating.  This is the only way I know how to get out of that cycle.  Food affects me in powerful ways, and time is passing.  Lily is starting school next year, and most of what I remember of the last 5 years is me struggling to be a good mom.  Me struggling to do activities because I'm too tired or moody.  I can only hope that when she gets older and she looks back on childhood she will see that I tried.  I try not to be too negative.  After all, I taught her how to read, and we go places together a lot like the zoo and to different play areas and the park in the summer.  We go on walks and bike rides.  But it seems that too often the days are filled with movies and me drowning in sugar. 

But if I can master a Whole 30 lifestyle (not necessarily doing Whole 30 every day of the year, but living mostly whole 30, where I eat lots of protein and vegetables and generally avoid sugar and processed foods), that opens up a whole world of possibilities.  A world where an active, fit, healthy and happy and much less grumpy me lives. 

 So, today was day 1.  The easiest day of anything.  Last year when I did the Whole 30, I did it through my birthday, so I'm sure I can handle anything this month throws at me (which of course happens to be Matt's birthday).  Matt is totally a moderator.  He eats his two cookies or one brownie or whatever it is, every day or so and is perfectly happy.  He doesn't binge, he doesn't feel the urge to keep eating sweets once he starts, and if things are too sweet he doesn't eat them.  Or eats much much less of them.  I think that is a world I will never know.  I'm just not hardwired that way.  So I have to figure out how I am wired, and what will work for me, and for me alone.  Not Matt, not my mom, not you, but me. 

Today was good and bad.  I didn't get much sleep last night, totally my fault.  I stayed up finishing book 5 of the series "A Shade of Vampire".  I actually really like the series, it has gotten really interesting over the past few books.  At first I was just kind of like "meh" but by book three the plot really deepened and became much more rich.  So anyway, I've been utterly exhausted today from lack of sleep, and of course, really bad eating choices from the day before.  I've taken my measurements and my weight to start off.  Seems like all I've been doing for two months is starting, but it is what it is. 

weight: 168.6
Body fat: 35.3
Chest: 36 3/4
Waist: 36 3/4 (measured at belly button)
hips: 42.5
R. Leg 22 3/4
R arm 12 3/4

You know, when I was at my lowest and thinnest measurements (143 pounds) I was no happier then than I am now.  I was utterly miserable and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong that I wasn't losing weight faster.  I needed to be a lower weight, and I still hated who I saw in the mirror.  It's time to change that.  I can't go around hating myself for the rest of my life.  The me that hates myself feeds me poor food choices.  So the me that loves myself, is going to make my body healthy.  I am worth fighting for, and I am the only one who can fight this battle.  I intend to win.

Getting past the initial phase

Last week was a mess.  We had a three day blizzard and the kids were both sick.  Being stuck at home all week, topping it off with fevers and gnarly coughs makes for a rough week.  I felt like we couldn't even do anything fun together during the week because the kids were so grumpy and had such short attention spans.  By Wednesday I had given up (this starting the previous Saturday) and we pretty much chilled for the next three days.  Lots of movies, which of course means lots of popcorn.  The worst thing for me is to be stuck at home all day long with nothing much to do.  I couldn't go out because of the storm.  Even after it stopped snowing I wanted to wait as long as possible for the roads to dry.  Besides that, the kids were still sick.  It's like they were holding a coughing competition to see who could cough the most.  Of course that meant coughing all night long which translated into bad sleep all week and also me being tired, and achy.  I was fortunate to not actually come down with what they had, but I think my body was definitely fighting it because I didn't feel my greatest last week. 

Health and fitness would just have to wait another week.  So yesterday I started using an app called Lose it, which was recommended to me in a comment.  I thought it would be nice to mix it up a little bit.  Maybe all I needed was something a little new, a little different.  What I need is probably a kick in the butt.  But I made it through Monday and today tracking!  Which makes it my longest record of tracking in over a year.  Go me.  I find tracking dinner to be the worst.  I just want to start eating and I don't want to take the time to plan something out.  But if I hadn't been tracking, I would have gone way over today.  This evening I had about 350 calories left for dinner (due to the double serving of brownies I chose to eat after lunch) and instead of saying "screw it all" like I wanted to, I actually cooked some fish and paired it with frozen veggies and came in at 6 calories under for the day.  Woo Hoo!  I just need to get a good groove going and then I know I can sustain it, I just have to get started.  I did pair the app with my fitbit, which I started wearing again since I am not exercising much now I figured it would be good to start wearing it.  I stopped wearing it when I was training for my triathlon because each day I was getting in about 25k steps and it didn't seem like it was doing me much good.  I got in my 10k steps today and yesterday (just barely but I'm glad I got them in!)  Today I went the looooong way to get the mail.  The road I am on makes a .8mile circle and I decided to take the kids and walk around it and get the mail when we got back to our house.  That was important in getting in all my steps and got me moving a little bit. 

I sure am tired though, and it's only 8:30.  When I am coming off of a food fog, I am always tired.  That is why it is so hard to get momentum going, you have to claw your way through the uncomfortable stages before you can reap the benefits of eating healthy.  You have to deal with cravings, fatigue, mood swings, irritability, and your body not being happy before you can start feeling good.  It's your body's way of cleaning itself out and that isn't a pleasant process which is why it is so hard to start.  I just have to get past that phase. 

Well, on to day 3. 

Weekly Recap

I felt like I did better than the scale reflected this week.  Which is why it's a good thing I'm taking into account more things than just the number on the scale.  This week I did not eat any sweets.  My personal triumph for this week is that the day I planned on going to the movies and eating popcorn didn't turn into a free for all food fest.  I had my popcorn at the theaters and I stayed on eating healthy for the rest of the day.  I was tempted of course to make it a free day, but then realized that was dysfunctional thinking.  I've already had my treat for that day and now I need to make sure I keep eating well.  Also, I stayed eating healthy on Sunday.  Matt did request French Toast for breakfast which I ate with the family, but then made sure to eat good foods the rest of the day.  The problem I think, is just eating too much.  So as much as I may not want to, I am re-downloading My Fitness Pal and I am just going to have to pay attention to how much I am eating.  The hard part with tracking besides just not wanting to do it is making sure I don't get too caught up with the numbers.  When I was tracking before, I would hate to see any red (meaning I was over for the day) and it would ruin the rest of the day if I was getting close or if I went over and it would probably ruin the next several days as well and trigger a period of not tracking and eating everything in sight.  So, while I have a goal of about 1500 calories, I'm going to be more flexible in my numbers.  If some days I eat 1700 that's ok.  If some days I eat 1400 that's ok.  If we go out once (or to the movie theaters) and I eat 2100 calories in a day that is ok.  The goal is to continue to make healthy choices and to break my binge eating habits. 

So here is the news:  First the less encouraging:

weight: 166  That is up .5 pounds from last week
Body Fat: 36.1 That is up .6% from last week (although I do have doubts about how accurate my body fat sensor is on my scale.  I think I want to get a fitbit scale, but that's another discussion for another time)

Now for the more encouraging news:
starting measurements: waist 36"  today: 35"
                                      Hips 41 3/4 " today: 41"

Meaning that while my weight may not be moving much and who knows what my scale is thinking about body fat (I notice that if you are hydrated you have a lower body fat percentage and if you are dehydrated your body fat percentage skyrockets) I have at the very least gotten rid of some excess bloating.  I have shrunk ever so slightly, which is always a step in the right direction.