When life gives you lemons... Throw them up!

I don't have a whole lot to report in this post without severely grossing you all out.  Sufficeth to say, I was sick last week.  It hit me Tuesday at about 4:00 I was feeling very tired and pretty sick, but I made dinner for the family.  I didn't eat much and at about 9:00pm.....lets just say I haven't been that sick since before I can remember.  It even tops the memory of the last stomach flu I got five years ago.  I didn't get any sleep until about 3:00 in the morning.  I was just so thankful that baby boy didn't wake up during that time.  I guess in a way, I was "lucky" to have gotten sick at night when everyone else was sleeping.  There was no way I was nursing a baby during that time.  I survived his 3:45am feeding although it wasn't easy.

Wednesday I didn't eat anything all day, I was exhausted from not sleeping all night and still feeling very ill.  I was able to eat a can of chicken noodle soup about 3pm.

Thursday I felt better, I ate half a cup of oatmeal for breakfast and a slice of pizza for dinner (which turned out to be a bad idea because the cheese upset my stomach, but it tasted so good! But again, bad idea for the lactose intolerant.... one of these days I'll learn.)

Friday I thought I was on the mend and I even went to the gym Friday morning.  I decided to take it easy and walk on the treadmill.  I did my usual hill workout and it kicked my butt!  I was only walking at 3.5mph.  I used to walk at 4.2 for an hour doing the rolling hills workout on the treadmill and barely break a sweat.  This time I about died and I only made it 45 minutes!  But I have to think about where I am now and not where I was.  Friday night I got sick again, I'm not sure why it came back and hit me again but I was sick all afternoon and evening.

Saturday I ate two sleeves of saltine crackers throughout the day and a bowl of chicken noodle soup for dinner.  I weighed myself Saturday and I was 205.6.  That was pretty fun to see, but I didn't expect it to stay that low.  I knew as soon as I started eating food again, my weight would jump back up.

Sunday I ate a normal breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the first time in an week.  I weighed myself this morning and I was back up to 208.6.  I was rather surprised it jumped up that much after only one day of eating.  It's not like I ate a ton of food.  I figured after not eating for a week and with exercising I'd be down two pounds at least but it is what it is.  We will just have to see what my body does by this coming Saturday.

It was a pretty miserable week.  My milk dried up because I wasn't eating anything and my baby boy was cranky and fussy and mad (just like how I felt haha).  Hopefully now that I'm eating everything will correct itself and I can be on my way.  I just have to stick to the plan and not over indulge on my first several days of eating.  Being sick for a week doesn't give me an excuse to binge.  Besides, that would probably upset my stomach and I've had enough of that for the time being.

First week and weigh in.

The first week went pretty well all in all.  The weekend was tough.  Saturday I actually stayed on plan and the only problem was that I overate at dinner time.  We had hamburgers and home baked french-fries and my inlaws brought potato salad.  I definitely ate too many French fries and potato salad.  But I didn't eat any of the home made cinnamon rolls and I didn't have any chocolate chip banana bread that day and I did take the kids to the pool and swim around with baby boy.  I feel good about Saturday.  I weighed myself on Saturday morning because it just seemed like a good time.  I weighted in at 209.8!  Officially down 4 pounds!  I love the first week for this reason.  I usually drop several pounds the first week.  Oh if all weeks could be this good, but then weight loss wouldn't be as hard as it is and I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.

Then enters Sunday.  I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me, but they have historically been the hardest day of the week.  I think it's because Sunday is a rest day and we don't go anywhere except for Church, and sometimes to visit family.  So the fact that I am home all day long does not help.  I always eat more when I am home all day and Sunday is no exception.  I'm not sure if it's just habit or situational habit or subconsciously I think I should be "resting from my diet" but I always overeat on Sunday.  Always Always Always!  For years and years and even the last time I successfully lost weight, Sunday was binge day.  I really want to get rid of this mentality.  I'm going to have to give some more structure to my Sunday if I want to overcome this hurdle.  So this Sunday, I definitely overate.  It was like all my goals went out the window and I pretty much ate whatever I wanted.  And guess what, I felt like crap Sunday night.  I was bloated, and my stomach hurt and for a while I thought I might throw up.  How silly is that.  Yet I do the same thing over and over again knowing that the results will be the same.  It's time to change.  I'm going to work myself up a schedule for this next Sunday, practice being out of the kitchen and work on breaking this cycle.

So naturally I chickened out with weighing myself on Monday, so I've decided that Saturday is my official weight for the first week, yay! (Whatever motivates me and keeps me going right?)  I made it to the gym three times for a workout and a fourth time taking the kids to the indoor pool area with waterslides and all that good stuff.  I've noticed positive results already.  Walking is easier!  This is a big one.  I can't believe how painful just walking has been for the past several months.  I'm not even morbidly obese, I can't imagine how people 100+ pounds more than I am feel!  My pace has been a slow shuffle, my legs have been hurting, especially my calves, knees and feet.  Today I was carrying baby boy into get my allergy shot and I was noticing that my stride was a little faster and a little looser and a little more pain free!  I am excited about that.  I'm tired of living in pain.

Yesterday I got back on plan, checking off my boxes and I feel like I did pretty well.  I think I went over my food goals by a little bit, but I feel good about it all in all.  My goal for the rest of the week is to stay right on track with my food and get to the gym three times.  I didn't have time to go on Monday, and today I went to get my allergy shot, sign my tax forms and I have a flute lesson soon.  So that leaves Wed, thurs, fri.  Which are good days to go exercise.  I want to take the kids to the pool again on Saturday.  Wednesday there is a Zumba class at 9:45 I want to go to.  Friday, my husband has an important call coming in and he will be at the house so I'm going to the gym early, so I won't make the 10:00 Zumba class so I'm going to do Zombies run again.  I think the running really helps improve my walking comfort and loosen up those muscles and ligaments.  I wish Zombies run would sync with my fitbit so it would count my steps for my run, but it doesn't affect the gameplay or the storyline so it doesn't bother me too much, and I have my fitbit for tracking my running steps.  That will give me two days of running/walking practice and one Zumba class.  This week I am going to see which activity burns more calories.  I know that the run/walk combo gets my heart rate up higher longer so I know that burns more immediate calories but a Zumba class is longer than my run/walk time.

The first time I do Run/Walk I'm going to stick to 2 minutes walking, one minute jogging, if that feels doable then I will increase my run time for my second run to 1.30 minutes jogging at 5.0mph.

So I have a plan!  Things are going as well as can be expected, I've messed up but I'm not letting it get me down.  I know I'm going to mess up again but I can just try again the next day and keep on keeping on.

First Days, First Goal

This week has been crazy and super busy.  There have been a few times where I wanted to just screw it and start a different time because the stress at the beginning of the week was almost too much to handle.  But I was able to sign up at my favorite gym on Monday morning, and I did my first workout.  I don't think I can make it through a class yet, although I'm going to try Zumba tomorrow, so I decided to do the treadmill. I chose the treadmill because one of the things I really want to be able to do is run when I need to run.  Right now I can barely walk let alone run, I feel so pathetic.  I don't necessarily want to become a runner per say, but I would like to be able to run after my kids, run down the street to the bus stop, run to my car when its raining, etc.  My 6 year old girl can run faster and longer than me and that's just pathetic on my part.

I have discovered the best and most amazing running app ever.  It's called Zombies Run and it's my favorite.  It does everything that a normal running app does but it is also a game.  Every time you run you select to listen to an episode of the story, or you can simply do supply runs.  Then you take what you earned back to your city and you build your city safe from the zombies.  I love listening to the story and when they say "the Zombies have found you run!!!" it certainly makes you want to run faster haha!  I love it, and I want to know the next part of the story so that greatly increases my desire to do my next run and the likely hood that I will actually go do another workout.  So anyway, I didn't fall off the wagon on my first day simply because I figured if I blew it Monday evening that it was a whole day of suffering wasted.  I say suffering because change is uncomfortable and the first time I exercise after being dormant for a long time is painful and hard.  So I stuck to it so as not to have wasted the day.  Using my food tracking chart is working well.  When it's time for a snack I look at my chart and see what I still need to eat and instead of grabbing some chocolate, I'll grab an apple and peanut butter, or eat some eggs or use my healthy snack option.  Which reminds me I still need to make those peanut butter energy bites to have on hand for my healthy snack..... I'll post the recipe when I get around to making them.  Good old pinterest.

Today I went back to the gym for my second workout.  I did running again.  5 minute warm up walk, 1 minute run at 5.0 mph (up from 4.8 the first time), 2 minutes walking at 3.0 mph.  repeat until reach 40 minutes, 5 minute cooldown.
It was much easier this time than the first day, but it was still difficult.  I'm trying to model my running after the 10k training app I did when training for my triathlon, I don't want to do too much too fast or I will end up with shin splints and have to start all over.  Plus I'm a lot heavier and more out of shape than the last time, so easing into things is a better idea than what I usually do which is plow headfirst and get myself hurt or discouraged because its too hard.


Thinking about starting and changing my habits gets me thinking about how I am going to stay on track.  I don't want to develop the bad habits I had last time like binge eating, weighing myself every day, and obsessing over weight loss and my body image.  That's not mentally or physically healthy.
One of the big problems I run into is the sheer length of time it is going to take to lose all the weight I want to.  I always feel like I'm working and working and I never get anywhere.  I've decided this time not to do that.  I've decided to just make small goals I can actually achieve and then once I reach those goals, to move onto the next one.  This is what everyone says you are supposed to do in the first place, but of course I never listen.  My first goal is to just get under 200 pounds.  I managed to slip under 200 pounds when I was doing Optavia, but of course once I quit I've been creeping back up ever since because I've been eating EVERYTHING plus some.

I starting out Monday at:213.6

My goals this week are to stick with my eating plan, and get to the gym three times (I wrote that sentence Monday in a saved post, and I've been to the gym twice and stayed on plan so doing pretty go so far!)

All in all things are starting out pretty good.  I feel good about this plan I've created for myself and I think it's going to work well.  I already feel better, like I can move around better and I'm not always in a sugar coma.  If you are interested my milk supply has dropped, and it only took two days for it to drop, but I was expecting that and baby boy is over 1 year old so I'm not as worried about it as I was before.  He's still getting milk, and I'm going to take my more milk plus supplement that I bought last time and then didn't use because I quit altogether in favor of having a better milk supply.

I think I am on my way to finding a new normal and a new way of life.

New Food Plan

So little man was not as ready to stop nursing as I thought he was going to be.  His one year birthday came and went and he still loves to nurse.  But I have finally reached a breaking point.  I need to take action.  I can no longer do nothing and wait.

One of the very expensive lessons I learned when I did Optavia was that I do better psychologically tracking what I should be eating instead focusing on what I shouldn't be eating.  So basically I have a chart that tells me how much of each food category I need to eat, for instance: three servings of protein, etc.  That way I get to see my chart fill up throughout the day instead of setting a calorie goal and watching my allowed calories go down and run out throughout the day.  This worked very well for me when I was following the Optavia plan.  It was mentally a much better way to track my food without actually meticulously tracking every calorie I was eating, I just checked off the food I ate.  It was also easier than searching through the hundreds of possibilities of how many calories might be in chicken lo mein.  Instead I know its 2 starches, 1 protein, 1 fat and 100 discretionary calories (I was just throwing out numbers, that is in no way is specific to any restaurant or recipe).

I am going to start this plan tomorrow, here is what I have: a goal of about 2000 calories per day (at 1800 calories a day my milk dried up in three days, so I'm starting higher and I'm going to be taking the remainder of my more milk plus supplement.  Might as well use it since I bought it).  The breakdown looks like this:

Protein- 3 servings
Starches- 4 servings
Fats-4
Fruits/Vegetables- minimum of 5, but allowed unlimited amounts
Dairy - 1 serving
Discretionary Calories- 200
Health food- 300 calories

What I have done is taken the Optavia nursing moms program and changed it to what I think could work for me.  For example, you are supposed to eat three Optavia fuelings in a day which comes to a total of about 300 calories.  So instead of buying Optavia fuelings (which are ridiculously expensive) I could have a protein bar, or an RX bar, or I could make peanut butter energy bites and have about 300 calories worth of those.  I wasn't sure what to name that so it got labeled "health food".  I like this option because I like to be able to just grab things out of the pantry.  Another big change I made was in the dairy category.  A huge problem I had on Optavia and a big reason why I quit was the required amount of dairy you have.  I'm lactose intolerant, and I was supposed to be eating three servings of dairy a day plus almost every fueling had dairy in it.  That was wreaking havoc on my digestive system.  So the one serving of dairy is my one cup of almond milk I have with my breakfast.  What I did was take the other two servings and put one into protein and bumped up my discretionary calories by 50 to cover the other two servings of dairy.

Discretionary calories are just that- I can choose how to spend them.  Since I know myself and I shouldn't trust myself around sugar, I am going to stay away from desert for a little while.  I'm a binge eater when it comes to desert.  I eat all the deserts and everything I can find.  It needs to be off limits for a little while until I can get it under control a little better.  Besides when I was doing Optavia I actually liked using my discretionary calories to add more food to my meals or to indulge in pancakes with my family instead of eating a piece or two of chocolate.

So this is the plan and I'm feeling good about it.  Also my favorite gym is having $0 enrollment right now (I'm hoping they are still offering it in the morning.) and I'm planning on signing up tomorrow (as long as they are still doing $0 enrollment) so I can do Zumba, run on the treadmill and take the kids to the waterpark.

Tomorrow starts day 1.  Here we go again!

The New Why

Last time I started losing weight, it was out of a place of hatred.  I hated myself and everything about the way I looked.  I wanted to be thin and sexy.  Therefore, no accomplishment was ever enough for me.  It didn't matter that I was super fit, it didn't matter that I successfully competed in a triathlon, it didn't matter that I could run a 10k or do Zumba for two hours straight, or hike to the top of the mountain carrying kids on my back, or spend the whole day skiing without getting tired.  It wasn't enough, it wasn't the core of what I wanted.  I wanted to be skinny.  I wanted to be the pretty girl, and since I never made it to my goal weight, in fact I hovered around the border between being overweight and being normal weight, which for my height is 145.  I still considered myself fat, I still hated myself, I still saw all of my flaws.

I'm glad that I took the time off that I did.  I have gained all of the weight back, (although I have gained a new baby too) and while I still have a deeply rooted desire to lose weight, it is for a different reason.  Would I like to be skinny?  Sure!  Do I want to feel pretty?  Of course, what girl doesn't want to feel that way at least every now and then?  But I have come to accept myself the way I am.  I no longer hate myself.  I am a normal person, my children love me, my husband loves me, and my God loves me.  There are lots of good things going on in my life.  Sure there are a few things I would change if I could, like my best friends not moving away (such has been my curse for the past 10 years.  Every time I make a really good friend they move, I lost both of my best friends last year to moving and now I feel much more lonely.  I'm making new friends but no one who is really that best friend whom you do everything with and meet up with several times a week).

I'm happier in my skin and more content with my appearance.  Maybe it's because I'm finally growing up.  So why then do I still want to lose weight?  So many reasons but basically it boils down to three things: I want to be healthier, I want to be fit, I want to be free from the clutches of food.

Healthier
I don't feel great.  I have brain fog, I'm exhausted all the time.  I get headaches, lightheaded, my stomach hurts, I'm often bloated.  My mood is more melancholy than cheerful because I constantly feel like crap.  I get angry easily because I'm tired and don't feel well.  I know why this is happening.  It's because my diet is sub-par to say the least.  I eat too much sugar, diet soda, and processed foods.  Not fast foods, but plenty of chips, animal crackers, processed cookies.  You get the idea.

I want to eat healthier so I can feel better and be healthier.  The last thing I want is to develop some disease related towards eating like crap.  I want to lose weight so I have more energy and I'm not carrying around these extra 85 pounds that's weighing my down and making it harder to do basically everything.

Be Fit
I basically can't exercise.  It's pathetic and I feel pathetic.  Most of the time this isn't really an issue, who wants to exercise anyway right?  But the problem is I find myself making excuses not to go on family activities such as hikes or bike rides.  It's really hard to go on a hike with the family.  I feel embarrassed that my 6 year old is whooping my butt going up the mountain.  I can't run, I can't chase the kids around.  I can't take them sledding or play at the park with them.  I can't go skiing at this weight not to mention the physical exertion that would entail.  I'd be done before the first run was even over.  I feel like everything is a chore, everything is exhausting.  I don't want to make dinner, that's too much work, I don't want to do the grocery shopping that's going to take forever.  I don't want to do the laundry because I have to go up and down the stairs.

Can't I just move around and go about my day!?  Well, not right now I can't, because all I do all day long is sit on my but and eat cookies and chips.
I'm in charge of doing activities twice a month for girls age 8-11 in my church.  This week we are talking about the benefits of exercise and I offered to teach some Zumba songs.  It's always been a dream of mine to become a Zumba instructor and I've done a lot of Zumba in my life!  So I picked some songs and tried to choreograph some moves but found I wasn't too good at it lol.  No training.  So I went to good old YouTube and learned someone else's choreography and you know what?  It was so much fun! I loved dancing to these songs and learning the moves.  It made me realize how much I actually want to start moving again, and how much I want to go to Zumba class again.

Freedom
You know what the worst feeling is?  Feeling fat and hungry.  Its this weird sickening feeling that makes me so depressed.  But seriously, why can't I eat breakfast and make it a few hours without feeling like I need to shove food in my face hole!? Why does the afternoon strike and I feel like I need to sit on my butt and eat for three hours?  Its this drive, these intense cravings to eat more even though I may not necessarily want it, I feel driven to eat.  What is up with that?  Is it just a habit I've cultivated over the many years?  My husband can eat three meals a day and not snack in-between and not feel hungry.  He can eat lunch at noon and if he doesn't get dinner until 8:30, yeah he is hungry but he isn't dying like I am.  Why is it that he has such a normal relationship with food and I have such an abnormal one?  Granted he isn't usually spending most of his day in the kitchen, or even in the house for that matter, but still, that doesn't account for the vast difference I see in our eating behaviors.

So these are the things I want, these are the essence of my Why: I want to lose weight and change my eating habits so I can feel better, function better, move better, have better quality of life, and all these things should result in me having more energy, and my mood stabilizing which will make everyone happier all around.  I'm still tweaking my eating plan, I know if I go too extreme I won't be able to stick with it but if it isn't strict enough I won't lose weight and I'll get discouraged just the same.  It almost feels like I'm trying to find an impossible balance between the two.

So here are my current photos

I'm around about 209 pounds, my first big goal is to get under 175.  Which takes me out of the obese category and also ensures I can wear my wedding ring finally.  I haven't started my new eating plan yet, but it will be soon.  Baby Boy turns one next week, so it will probably be right around there.  He needs to be introduced to whole milk before I do anything to jeopardize his milk supply.  In the meantime, I want to start working in some more exercise, even if it is only 20 minutes of Zumba a day.  I also want to get rid of all the snacking and gorging on sweets I usually do, but that is an entirely different post. 

I'm Back!

It's been two years, and quite a crazy journey during that time.  But I'm finally ready to come back to my blog.  I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I think the time is finally right.  Or at least, I can no longer sit back and do nothing because I'm feeling lethargic, and tired all the time.  I get exhausted easily and find myself making excuses not to do things.  Every thing seems like a chore, and I find I don't want to do anything anymore because it just seems like too much work.  Every day tasks like making dinner and doing the laundry are daunting, and don't even think about getting outside for a walk or doing an indoor exercise routine.  Just changing into my exercise clothes is exhausting.  Now, I certainly take accountability for my follies but part of what is going on is the new addition to our family!

Little Peanut here was born just about a year ago, and unlike my other children he has pretty much refused to let me lose weight while nursing.  Every time I have tried, I have failed either because I was just too hungry, or because when I dropped my calories enough to lose weight, my milk supply plummeted.  I'm not sure why that is.  Maybe it is because I'm older.  Maybe it's because he's a boy and he is nursing more.  Who knows, but at 1 year old now I have to turn my attention towards my own health.  I'm still going to nurse him, and I plan on taking what is left of my more milk plus supplement when I start but he is old enough to start drinking whole milk and he is just going to have to deal if my milk drops because my health is suffering.  I honestly think he will be ok as he will still get some milk from me, and both my girls stopped nursing at 1 year and they seem just fine haha!

Pregnancy seems to always dump me off at the same weight.  About 215 pounds.  Regardless of where I start, I'm always 215 pounds after giving birth.  The one thing I tried while nursing that was successful was the Optavia Nursing Moms program.  I successfully went from 217 pounds to 199 pounds.  But I just couldn't sustain it for three reasons.  1. The program is outrageously expensive.  At over $400 a month I couldn't afford it.  Theoretically you are supposed to be able to cut back on your food bill to cover the costs of the food you are purchasing from them, but with a family of four other people to feed, the food bill didn't decrease at all.  2. The Nursing moms program required me to eat 3 servings of dairy a day and I'm lactose intolerant.  This was causing IBS, bloating, and a whole host of other issues.  Plus there is milk in almost every "fueling" they sell.  This was causing me so much distress I ended up giving up milk altogether and therefore couldn't eat their food anymore.  3. Every time I would adhere to the program and successfully lose weight, my milk would drop and I would fight to get it back up. It was such a pain, it wasn't worth it.  I need something I can just stick to and not have to tweak and mess around with too much.  The simpler the better because I've discovered something about myself:

I'm an all or nothing personality type.  As much as I wish I weren't, as much as I wish I could do things in moderation, that's just not me.  If I'm going to eat sweets, I'm not going to just eat one cookie or one piece of candy.  I'm going to eat cookies until my stomach is sick, or I'm going to eat the whole entire bag of candy.  You know how people always say to slowly change your eating habits, picking one thing to work on at a time and then over time all those changes will add up... Yeah that doesn't work for me.  I can't do just one thing because in my mind, it's not worth it.  Why work so hard to change something if it isn't going to yield the results I want?  Hence the all or nothing approach.  I'm either going to be eating in a way that yields weight loss and exercising to support that, or I'm not going to be exercising.  I'm either going to be drinking water as a part of a healthy eating regime or I'm not going to be drinking water.  That's the way it is with me, and anytime I try change it, I fail.  So I'm going to embrace who I am, and do something that I'm pretty sure will work for me.  

One thing I've really become interested in lately is the idea of Juicing.  I wish I could go on a juice fast but that's just not going to happen.  Even if I wasn't nursing, it would be excruciatingly difficult for me to do a juice fast since I am responsible for feeding four people besides myself.  Being around that much food every day would probably break me pretty quickly.  But I like the idea of getting lots of nutrients from fruits and vegetables via juicing.  Not just for me but for my kids as well.  

 As you can see I have one vegetable lover and one who loves pretty much anything but vegetables

So here is my plan:

Breakfast: Juicing from Juicer

Snack: Rx bar, Protein balls, or Protein shake

Lunch: salad

Snack: Juicing from Juicer

Dinner: paleo meal

I figure that gives me enough freedom to choose but also enough structure to know that the plan will yield results.  Also doing it this way means I don't have to count calories.  I absolutely refuse to count calories at the moment. I've tried it a billion times within the last several years since my miscarriage and I just can't do it.  There just seems to be a road block in my brain.

As this post is getting long I'm going to be posting my pictures next time, talking about getting started, my goals, my reasons, and what I hope to get out of picking up blogging again. 

Saying Goodbye

Last week I had a really good conversation with my husband.  He pretty much made me realize that I'm trapped in the dieting cycle, and I can't stick with anything.  (Which I know is because deep down I really don't want to change what I'm eating to the extent that all these diets require.)  He said he doesn't understand why I hate myself, and that it was time to let go.

I have been struggling with my weight for the past 20 years.  I have hated myself for 20 years because of my weight and not much has come of it except being caught in dieting cycles, becoming obsessed with eating and food, developing eating disorders and a whole lot of unhappiness.  In 20 years I have not been able to fix the problem focusing on food.  What is another 20 years going to bring?  If I couldn't fix the problem in 20 years, I don't think I'm going to be able to fix the problem handling it the way I have been in the next 20 years.  If I continue down this path the only thing that is certain is that I will continue getting what I have been: depression, self hatred and cycles of deprivation followed by binging.  While my fertility tests have not been able to tell me why I'm not getting pregnant, they have made one thing clear: I'm healthy.  My blood work is normal, everything is working as it should.  I have no internal problems, my body is working well and doing all things as it should.  The problem is mental and emotional.  It's time to let go.  I've hated myself long enough. 

Perhaps I will be overweight my entire life, perhaps that is the thorn in my flesh, and my cross to bear.  But I think more important than being thin is being at peace with myself.  Healing my emotions, forgiving myself for my imperfections and changing my focus from how terrible I am to how I can make life worth living.  Playing more with my children.  I've been cycling between exercising too much and eating too little (creating a lack of energy to do much of anything else) to binge eating (creating a lack of energy and feelings of sickness resulting in not being able to do much of anything else).  It's time to let go.  It's time to re focus.  I am healthy.  Yes I am overweight but I'm not morbidly obese, I'm not going to die of a heart attack in three months if I don't diet right now, I'm not even pre-diabetic, and honestly, I think it got this bad because of the dieting cycle I've been trapped in for 20 years.  The mentality that if I'm going to eat something I better eat it now because tomorrow it might not be allowed. 

I think it is going to take a while to heal my mind and my spirit.  I'm not going to love myself right away.  I'm not going to love my body right away, but I can respect it and appreciate it, and hopefully as I heal my spirit my eating will balance and stabilize.  I've seen it starting to happen this past week.  A few times at my usual snack craving times (the afternoon) I've gotten up to go eat and while starring at the pantry asked myself "what is it I actually want to eat?" and I couldn't think of anything.  Really I wasn't hungry, and since I'm truly letting go and I'm truly not going to diet anymore, my mental frame shifted just a little bit.  I really don't want anything, so I'm not going to eat anything.  When I want something, I'll eat whatever I want.  I haven't eaten the best this week, but I haven't eaten the worst either.  I've still made lots of healthy choices while enjoying chips and sandwiches for lunch.  And overall I've been naturally eating less.  This is just one week, and I don't know what the future will be like.  I don't know the long term impacts this will have.  I hope it will have positive impacts as I focus on things that are really more important than my pant size. 

And so I'm saying goodbye.  I haven't decided yet if I will take my blog down off of the internet, but I'm not planning on writing anymore.  I'm letting go.  For the first time in my life, someone I love has given me permission to let go, and to focus on something else, to heal, and to be at peace.