An unexpected Self Esteem Boost

The last few weeks have been pretty stressful.  Lily has been sick.  The poor girl was diagnosed with strep throat, and then had a fever the whole weekend and diagnosed with an ear infection the next Monday.  She also had a bad cough that my neighbor has termed "The Cough of Death" in which case she would cough so hard it would cause her to throw up.  Of course she had to give this cough to every member of the family.  I can only be thankful that no one got it as bad as she did.  Then her antibiotics were making her throw up if she didn't eat a large enough breakfast.  I'm glad we are officially done with her meds and we are on the mend! 

This morning I worked out to Turbo Fire.  Yesterday I also did Turbo Fire.  I really can't do all the high intensity moves, and I've noticed my body just naturally switches to the lower intensity versions, I don't even have to look at the girl on stage.  I just do what I can.  I can get through the program and that's pretty awesome even if I have to do lower intensity.  I've been working hard on accepting where I am now and trying to take baby steps.  I know that if I try to just jump into some sort of diet to lose weight quickly I will just end up back in the same old cycle.  So I'm hoping that if I can take smaller steps this time, I can make longer lasting changes.  I'm tracking in MFP, most of the time.  I've set my goal at 1700, but it syncs with my fitbit so I always get more activity calories.  What I'm trying to do is make it so that I don't go over my goal plus my activity calories. 

I enjoyed my workout today, and burned about 500 calories during my 47 minutes.  I think that is super important for continuing with any program.  If I hate it then there is no way I will continue doing it for the long term.

I had a friend come over today and she told me she was amazed at all the things I do in my spare time.  I have my flute stand and my cross stitch stand in the living room and my language books are in the TV stand, also in the living room.  It made me feel really good that she thought I was amazing.  I've never thought of myself as amazing before, I've always thought of myself as mediocre and falling short of where I would like to be.  It really made me feel good about myself. 

I thought I would put up a picture of my progress on my cross stitch project, which is Chloe's Christmas Stocking.  I wanted to get it done last year but that didn't happen.  So I really want to get it done this year, which is entirely possible, but I have to make it a priority. 

Well I think that's all for now so I will say:

Gute nacht. Ich kenne nicht Deutsch, aber Ich lerne Deutsch.

And if anyone who reads this speaks German you should totally correct anything wrong I say in the comments.  I thought it might be fun to put up a few sentences at the end of my posts.  My vocabulary is extremely limited right now so that should say "Good night.  I don't know German, but I'm learning German." 

Starting Over But Not Quite

It's been a long time.  I've thought of taking my blog down, but I just couldn't make myself do it.  Lately I have been thinking of writing again but I knew that if I started writing again, I didn't want to change my mind and then take it down anyway.  If I started writing again, I would have to commit, and I wasn't ready to do that until now. 

Part of the reason why it was so hard to commit is the fact that every month I would hope I was pregnant and every month I wouldn't be.  And so the cycle would start over.  At the beginning I would be gung ho about losing weight, and then in the middle/end I would start wondering if I were pregnant, and then hoping and then thinking that I shouldn't be trying to lose weight if I were going to be pregnant, and of course I never was.  And so on and so forth.  I never did receive an answer.  The OBGYN wouldn't see me since it hadn't been a year yet.  In hindsight I would have approached it from the point of: I'm experiencing these symptoms...... what is going on with my body?  Instead of: I can't get pregnant I think something is wrong.  My blood work pretty much revealed nothing.  Or rather, I should say, the doctors couldn't interpret anything based on my blood work and the answer they gave me was "your body went through some extreme trauma, and you should give yourself more time to heal and see if you get better."  So pretty much "I don't know what is wrong why don't you see if it goes away on its own."  And I'm sure you can imagine how that affected me.

I've been doing well with exercise since the beginning of the year, but my eating has been sub par.  I started the year at 191.6 and my lowest was 182.4.  Yesterday I was 188.6

Lily took the picture for me, standing on a chair.  I think she did a pretty good job.  I think my legs look thinner than they really are in this photo.  I'm actually thinner on top than on bottom, so I thought it was interesting how the picture came out. 

I'm doing a combo of exercise.  I want to sign up for some events to do to help keep me motivated.  I think it will help me stay motivated to actually have a goal in mind instead of just mindlessly exercising for pretty much the same goal as I've had for forever.  Trying to mix it up a bit.  Today was a busy day.  I'm doing the 10K trainer app by Zen Labs and I'm on week three meaning I'm "running" a total of 9 minutes during my one hour workout.  I was trying to run at 6mph, but that's too hard to sustain for three minutes so I had to drop it down to 5.5 and then 5.2.  I try not to think about how much I regressed.  My friend who works out with me keeps telling me to give myself a break and that I'm doing a good job and at least I did work out today and I have to start somewhere.  It's going to take a while and a lot of hard work to get back to where I was, and I just have to accept that and try to go forward from where I am now. 

The title of my post refers to the fact that I feel like I'm starting back at square one.  But I'm not all the way back at the beginning.  I started at 211 and now I'm 188 so I'm still 23 pounds lower than my highest weight. 

limbo

 The good news is I haven't gained any weight. The bad news is I haven't lost any weight. According to my fit bit which monitors my heart rate all day I am burning a little over 3000 cal a day. I've been tracking my food over the past several days on my fitness pal just to see what my in take is and it's hovering around  2000 cal a day. Which means I have about a deficit of somewhere around 1000 cal a day so I should be losing weight like crazy. However I am not and you can imagine how frustrating that is. I did go into the doctor to get my thyroid checked but I have not heard the results back yet. I kind of feel like I am in limbo I don't really know what to do at this  moment. I am sure you can imagine how incredibly discouraging it is to have such a large calorie deficit but not to lose any weight. And I am not willing to go back to eating only 1200 to 1400 cal a day just to lose weight. Because I know that is something that I cannot maintain. Besides I would rather fix a health issue than  treat the symptoms . I signed back up for the gym because Chloe has been asking to go and I think it will be good for her, and my husband thinks it will be good for me and I am excited to go, but I have those doubts plaguing me right now and i find myself wondering "what's the point?"
Hopefully I will get some answers soon. I'm at my whitts end and am about to give up and just accept the fact that I am going to remain fat for the rest of my life. But I'm holding out until I get my blood work back. Until then, I will remain in Limbo

Week Two of TF

It has been crazy over here, and I keep forgetting to post.  Our internet was down for a few days, we were having problems with our router and so we bought a new router and it wasn't working so we bought a modem and router combo and then we found out that there was an internet outage in our area, so that was a headache and probably a lot of money we didn't need to spend.  (we were planning on replacing the router, just not the modem but oh well it probably needed to be updated too).   Ahh, first world country problems.  I supposed I would prefer that over other problems.  A few days ago, I woke up feeling really bad about myself, and feeling fat and puffy.  So I went and bought a new outfit since all my shirts are too tight because I never bought new clothes while gaining weight. 

Chloe got a new dress too because she grew out of one of her favorites and was completely devastated. 

Starting at week 2 of Turbo Fire I weighed in at 177.  Not much of a loss, but still a loss.  Speaking of slow weight loss, I'm getting my thyroid checked on Tuesday as I suspect myself of having hypothyroidism.  Since I've been tracking my cycles, I have discovered I have almost every hallmark symptom of hypothyroidism, even down to unexplained miscarriages.  I looked up some non female reproductive cycle specific symptoms and they include sensitivity to cold, constipation and weight gain.  That would be a check, check and check.  If I do have hypothyroidism it would explain why it is so hard for me to lose weight and why it's so easy to gain.  (If I don't have it then I guess that's just the way weight goes, which I'm pretty sure is true anyway).  I also called my mom and it runs in my family.  So anyway, that will hopefully be enlightening. 

I've been sore from my workouts, but I've been feeling good.  I've had more energy since focusing on whole body health.  Eating healthy, working out, getting chiropractic care, taking a daily detox.  My mood is stabilizing, and I'm not crashing every day at 1:00, and my energy has been a lot higher.  Even during the last few very stressful days I'm proud of myself for not trying to make myself feel better with food.  I said "food isn't going to fix the problem" and tried to do something else to take my mind off things. 

That's about everything, so have a great weekend and I will check in again soon.

Turbo Fire Round 2

We had a great Labor Day weekend up in the mountains.  We went to the ranch for the last time this year.  It was the first time I've ever been where I haven't pigged out on junk food.  I stuck to the Paleo guidelines and actually didn't eat anything off plan while I was there.  Despite the cookies and cream cake and the popcorn that was available, I declined both knowing that I would regret it in more ways than one if I indulged.  The cake was full of dairy products and would have resulted in a massive stomach ache which I am none too eager to experience again.  I am proud of myself for how I ate this weekend.  It wasn't perfect.  I still snacked on too many nuts, but who cares?  I didn't binge and I didn't even eat anything off plan while we were there. 

I know I am making progress with my relationship with food.  Yesterday was my first MOPS meetup and there was a whole buffet of food.  I didn't know there was going to be food there, so I had already eaten dinner.  One month ago it would have been the perfect excuse to pig out.  There was a lot of good looking things there.  Last night, I didn't eat anything because I wasn't hungry.  I grabbed a water and that was it.  I don't feel like I missed out, there is going to be food at every event and last night I genuinely didn't want to eat anything.  One thing my body is finally coming to realize, that my brain always knew but my body didn't because either I was starving myself by only eating 1200-1400 calories a day, or I was feeding myself too many sugar loaded processed foods which wreak havoc on blood sugar and your satiety hormones, is that the world isn't running out of food.  At least not where I live.  Food is readily available, and it is ok to pass up food if I am not hungry or don't really want it.  There will always be next time, and I certainly know where to get more food if I need it or want it.  I'm excited for the changes that are happening and I think that for the first time in my life I am truly on my way to food freedom and having a healthy, balanced relationship with my food. 

I'm on day 2 of Turbo Fire and I'm loving it.  It's really tough right now and I'm doing most of the moves modified on low impact, but I'm still sweating like crazy and getting a good workout in.  I'm sore today which means I'm building muscle.  That's one thing I love about Turbo Fire is that it is a cardio workout but you still build a lot of muscle doing the program.  Not as much as a weight lifting program obviously, but with all the punching and kicking and jumping and abs that goes on in the program, you can't help but build muscle.  It's amazing how just a few days of working out at a higher intensity as improved my mobility.  I feel like it's easier to move around now, just from moving my body more during my workouts.  Today I did Fire 40 and my feet always go numb at the end of that workout, and today they didn't!!  They were tingling a little bit, but they didn't go completely numb.  That means my chiropractic care is working, and I'm totally stoked about that. 

Hopefully things are on the up and up for me now.  I still have my struggles, such as dealing with this current bought of infertility, and I have no idea how long it will last, but while it does, I'm taking this time to fix my health and trying to be patient.  All things will happen within the Lord's time. 

The next goal

This week has been going well in the food department.  I don't really have a lot to say.  I'm trying to make sure I have no more than one "off plan" or non paleo food a day.  Monday we went to BJs and I really wanted the California sourdough sandwich.  So I had them remove the cheese and the bread was my only non paleo food I ate (I can't vouch for the mayo and bacon on the sandwich).  Tuesday I had one glass of soda, and Wednesday I had some Beef Jerky that had some non compliant ingredients (mainly brown sugar).  All in all, I think it's been going well. 

I've decided on my next big goal, or main focus.  Something to keep me going in the right direction.  I really want to go skiing this winter, since I can't seem to get pregnant at the moment I might as well plan on not being pregnant this winter.  I missed skiing last winter because I was too overweight and out of shape to go.  I don't want that to be the situation this winter.  My knees are feeling better, so I'm going to try to do Turbo Fire.  I did the starter class yesterday and it kicked my butt.  However it felt really good to workout hard again.  I have no desire to workout 6 days a week however, so I think I am going to take the shortest workout day (some days are just the abs workout and stretching) and make it a rest day.  5 days a week is much more doable, and I don't want to hurt myself.  I think sticking to a paleo diet and doing Turbo Fire is going to be a good system.  That will ensure I get the energy I need for my workouts, while improving my cardio skills and building some muscle as well.  (And of course it should be a good combo for weight loss.  I have to lose weight to fit back into my ski clothes). 

Lastly, I did step on the scale this morning and there were some interesting changes. While my weight is pretty much exactly the same as Sunday, my body fat percentage went down by .4 and my muscle mass was up by 1.5 pounds.  What does this mean?  It means my scale stinks at getting accurate measurements of body fat and muscle mass.  I didn't gain 1.5 pounds of muscle in four days, and the only reason why my body fat percentage is down is because of the change in muscle mass depicted on the screen.  I just wanted to throw that out there, since it puts some of my final measurements into perspective.  The lesson is, I'm not going to rely too much on what the scale says, rather go based on how I feel, how my clothes fit, and my measurements. 

And Beyond

I made it.  Thirty whole days.  Thirty days of working to cultivate healthy habits.  I am not perfect, and my Whole 30 was not perfect, but I completed it!  I ate too much fruit, and not enough vegetables.  I ate snacks several days, but I still stuck to the food rules and worked hard to cultivate new habits.  I didn't have any dreams of binging on sweets, which is unusual for me, and I'm feeling healthier and happier than I have in a long time. 

Without stepping on the scale or taking measurements I recognize that my pants feel a little better, I can buckle my belt one hole tighter with ease.  My energy crashes have disappeared, and my energy is staying sustained longer throughout the day.  That doesn't mean that I don't still feel tired, because I often do, but I don't feel like I have to sleep in the middle of the day.  I'm finding that movement in general is a bit easier, and not quite as laborious as it used to be.  It's definite improvement.  Certainly not all the way, but a good leap in the right direction.  It took me 8 months to get to where I was before I started Whole 30, it is going to take longer than 30 days to fix the damage.

So now for the part I know you are all dying to hear: before and after stats

                Before             After

Weight     184 lbs            177.4
Body fat   38.4                 38.6
water        44.9                 44.8
BMI         30.7                 30.2
Muscle     57                    55.8

Waist        43"                 39"
Hips          46 1/2"           45 1/2"
Chest        39"                  38"
Legs         25 1/2"            25 1/2"
Arms        13 1/4"            13 1/4"

A lot of this makes sense, some of it doesn't.  I blame what doesn't make sense on my scale, which isn't that high of quality for a scale that is supposed to measure body fat and muscle mass, my scale has always acted funny.  For instance, I'm pretty sure my muscle mass didn't decrease by two pounds since my activity actually increased during my whole 30, so that affects my body fat percentage numbers.  So I'm sure those two are not correct, but I'm not going to dwell on it much.  My scale stinks when measuring body fat and muscle, I wish I had a more accurate way to measure those factors but I don't, oh well time to move on.  I lost 6.6 pounds.  This is good, and I am now at my lowest I have been in several months but still I had really hoped to be under 175 because that is the line where I go from being obese to being overweight.  So while I can't say I'm disappointed, losing weight without calorie counting, and without feeling hungry is always a good thing.  But at the same time, I had hoped for a little better.  But it is a good start, and the only way from here is forward.  Going back doesn't afford any benefits whatsoever. 

Looking at my measurements I would say they make a lot of sense.  My body always loses inches in my waist and torso first and legs last.  Also, I haven't noticed any visual difference in my arms, so I'm not surprised they haven't changed.  The measurements support the observation of being able to buckle my pants tighter around my waist while the legs still fit fine.  Before Whole 30 I didn't really use a belt, and now they won't stay up without one.  That's the problem with having my body shape I suppose, having a smaller waist and larger legs means my pants always fall down unless I'm wearing an elastic waistband. 

Last time I did the whole 30 I was very excited to do introduction and to get back to eating a lot of foods that I couldn't eat on the plan.  This time around, I'm not even doing introduction, I'm just sticking to eating Whole 30 foods, and I'm going to add in a few other Paleo foods that aren't allowed on Whole 30 for some meals, just so I have more options available to me.  I'm going to order at a restaurant as close to Whole 30 as possible, but they always add something that isn't approved, like sugar, or corn starch, or soy sauce.  But I'm not going to worry about that too much.  I'm not going to weigh myself for another 30 days, and just continue to work on eating healthy and increasing my exercise.

I made sushi!  It uses avocado as a base instead of rice to make it perfectly whole 30 compliant.  It was so amazingly good, I didn't miss the rice at all.