I'm glad that I took the time off that I did. I have gained all of the weight back, (although I have gained a new baby too) and while I still have a deeply rooted desire to lose weight, it is for a different reason. Would I like to be skinny? Sure! Do I want to feel pretty? Of course, what girl doesn't want to feel that way at least every now and then? But I have come to accept myself the way I am. I no longer hate myself. I am a normal person, my children love me, my husband loves me, and my God loves me. There are lots of good things going on in my life. Sure there are a few things I would change if I could, like my best friends not moving away (such has been my curse for the past 10 years. Every time I make a really good friend they move, I lost both of my best friends last year to moving and now I feel much more lonely. I'm making new friends but no one who is really that best friend whom you do everything with and meet up with several times a week).
I'm happier in my skin and more content with my appearance. Maybe it's because I'm finally growing up. So why then do I still want to lose weight? So many reasons but basically it boils down to three things: I want to be healthier, I want to be fit, I want to be free from the clutches of food.
Healthier
I don't feel great. I have brain fog, I'm exhausted all the time. I get headaches, lightheaded, my stomach hurts, I'm often bloated. My mood is more melancholy than cheerful because I constantly feel like crap. I get angry easily because I'm tired and don't feel well. I know why this is happening. It's because my diet is sub-par to say the least. I eat too much sugar, diet soda, and processed foods. Not fast foods, but plenty of chips, animal crackers, processed cookies. You get the idea.
I want to eat healthier so I can feel better and be healthier. The last thing I want is to develop some disease related towards eating like crap. I want to lose weight so I have more energy and I'm not carrying around these extra 85 pounds that's weighing my down and making it harder to do basically everything.
Be Fit
I basically can't exercise. It's pathetic and I feel pathetic. Most of the time this isn't really an issue, who wants to exercise anyway right? But the problem is I find myself making excuses not to go on family activities such as hikes or bike rides. It's really hard to go on a hike with the family. I feel embarrassed that my 6 year old is whooping my butt going up the mountain. I can't run, I can't chase the kids around. I can't take them sledding or play at the park with them. I can't go skiing at this weight not to mention the physical exertion that would entail. I'd be done before the first run was even over. I feel like everything is a chore, everything is exhausting. I don't want to make dinner, that's too much work, I don't want to do the grocery shopping that's going to take forever. I don't want to do the laundry because I have to go up and down the stairs.
Can't I just move around and go about my day!? Well, not right now I can't, because all I do all day long is sit on my but and eat cookies and chips.
I'm in charge of doing activities twice a month for girls age 8-11 in my church. This week we are talking about the benefits of exercise and I offered to teach some Zumba songs. It's always been a dream of mine to become a Zumba instructor and I've done a lot of Zumba in my life! So I picked some songs and tried to choreograph some moves but found I wasn't too good at it lol. No training. So I went to good old YouTube and learned someone else's choreography and you know what? It was so much fun! I loved dancing to these songs and learning the moves. It made me realize how much I actually want to start moving again, and how much I want to go to Zumba class again.
Freedom
You know what the worst feeling is? Feeling fat and hungry. Its this weird sickening feeling that makes me so depressed. But seriously, why can't I eat breakfast and make it a few hours without feeling like I need to shove food in my face hole!? Why does the afternoon strike and I feel like I need to sit on my butt and eat for three hours? Its this drive, these intense cravings to eat more even though I may not necessarily want it, I feel driven to eat. What is up with that? Is it just a habit I've cultivated over the many years? My husband can eat three meals a day and not snack in-between and not feel hungry. He can eat lunch at noon and if he doesn't get dinner until 8:30, yeah he is hungry but he isn't dying like I am. Why is it that he has such a normal relationship with food and I have such an abnormal one? Granted he isn't usually spending most of his day in the kitchen, or even in the house for that matter, but still, that doesn't account for the vast difference I see in our eating behaviors.
So these are the things I want, these are the essence of my Why: I want to lose weight and change my eating habits so I can feel better, function better, move better, have better quality of life, and all these things should result in me having more energy, and my mood stabilizing which will make everyone happier all around. I'm still tweaking my eating plan, I know if I go too extreme I won't be able to stick with it but if it isn't strict enough I won't lose weight and I'll get discouraged just the same. It almost feels like I'm trying to find an impossible balance between the two.
So here are my current photos
I'm around about 209 pounds, my first big goal is to get under 175. Which takes me out of the obese category and also ensures I can wear my wedding ring finally. I haven't started my new eating plan yet, but it will be soon. Baby Boy turns one next week, so it will probably be right around there. He needs to be introduced to whole milk before I do anything to jeopardize his milk supply. In the meantime, I want to start working in some more exercise, even if it is only 20 minutes of Zumba a day. I also want to get rid of all the snacking and gorging on sweets I usually do, but that is an entirely different post.
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