Saying Goodbye

Last week I had a really good conversation with my husband.  He pretty much made me realize that I'm trapped in the dieting cycle, and I can't stick with anything.  (Which I know is because deep down I really don't want to change what I'm eating to the extent that all these diets require.)  He said he doesn't understand why I hate myself, and that it was time to let go.

I have been struggling with my weight for the past 20 years.  I have hated myself for 20 years because of my weight and not much has come of it except being caught in dieting cycles, becoming obsessed with eating and food, developing eating disorders and a whole lot of unhappiness.  In 20 years I have not been able to fix the problem focusing on food.  What is another 20 years going to bring?  If I couldn't fix the problem in 20 years, I don't think I'm going to be able to fix the problem handling it the way I have been in the next 20 years.  If I continue down this path the only thing that is certain is that I will continue getting what I have been: depression, self hatred and cycles of deprivation followed by binging.  While my fertility tests have not been able to tell me why I'm not getting pregnant, they have made one thing clear: I'm healthy.  My blood work is normal, everything is working as it should.  I have no internal problems, my body is working well and doing all things as it should.  The problem is mental and emotional.  It's time to let go.  I've hated myself long enough. 

Perhaps I will be overweight my entire life, perhaps that is the thorn in my flesh, and my cross to bear.  But I think more important than being thin is being at peace with myself.  Healing my emotions, forgiving myself for my imperfections and changing my focus from how terrible I am to how I can make life worth living.  Playing more with my children.  I've been cycling between exercising too much and eating too little (creating a lack of energy to do much of anything else) to binge eating (creating a lack of energy and feelings of sickness resulting in not being able to do much of anything else).  It's time to let go.  It's time to re focus.  I am healthy.  Yes I am overweight but I'm not morbidly obese, I'm not going to die of a heart attack in three months if I don't diet right now, I'm not even pre-diabetic, and honestly, I think it got this bad because of the dieting cycle I've been trapped in for 20 years.  The mentality that if I'm going to eat something I better eat it now because tomorrow it might not be allowed. 

I think it is going to take a while to heal my mind and my spirit.  I'm not going to love myself right away.  I'm not going to love my body right away, but I can respect it and appreciate it, and hopefully as I heal my spirit my eating will balance and stabilize.  I've seen it starting to happen this past week.  A few times at my usual snack craving times (the afternoon) I've gotten up to go eat and while starring at the pantry asked myself "what is it I actually want to eat?" and I couldn't think of anything.  Really I wasn't hungry, and since I'm truly letting go and I'm truly not going to diet anymore, my mental frame shifted just a little bit.  I really don't want anything, so I'm not going to eat anything.  When I want something, I'll eat whatever I want.  I haven't eaten the best this week, but I haven't eaten the worst either.  I've still made lots of healthy choices while enjoying chips and sandwiches for lunch.  And overall I've been naturally eating less.  This is just one week, and I don't know what the future will be like.  I don't know the long term impacts this will have.  I hope it will have positive impacts as I focus on things that are really more important than my pant size. 

And so I'm saying goodbye.  I haven't decided yet if I will take my blog down off of the internet, but I'm not planning on writing anymore.  I'm letting go.  For the first time in my life, someone I love has given me permission to let go, and to focus on something else, to heal, and to be at peace. 

On Hold

I have several things to report.  The first being that last week I totally failed at the not weighing myself idea.  Half way through the week I did a check in and was 187, and of course got super upset.  That means in the first two weeks of Keto, I lost nothing, not even the water weight you are supposed to lose.  I was talking to one of my friends about it and I think I wasn't being strict enough with my approach.  I was eating too many vegetables, nuts, and too many dessert substitutes.  In short I wasn't willing to do what I needed to do to really make Keto work.  I don't want to micromanage my macronutrients and I know that if I restrict to the point that was recommended I'm going to binge because I know that if I restrict too much it triggers binge eating and then the whole thing wouldn't work.  Keto doesn't work if you are binging on carbs once a week.  So I'm taking a little hiatus while I work on figuring out what I want to do.

The other reason I'm taking a little break is because I have to go get my blood work done this week and one thing they are looking at is my insulin levels.  I want the test results to be reflective of what is actually go on inside my body.  I don't want a problem to be masked by the fact that I'm eating low carb.  When I talked to my doctor about going Keto she said it was a good place to start, and that eating that way could affect my insulin levels when I get the tests done.  I'm all for using Keto to treat a problem that might be there, but doing keto could make my blood work come back in the normal range when normally it wouldn't be in the normal range and then I wouldn't know I had a problem when I actually do.  I hope that makes sense.

One good thing that happened today was that I went in for my first massage ever and the massage therapist said that from how my muscles reacted, I take care of myself, and drink lots of water and I'm really healthy.  That made me happy to hear.  I might not be able to lose weight but doing exercise and trying to eat healthier is helping my body to be healthy overall.  It's also good to know I'm drinking enough water to balance out all my diet pepsi lol.  So that was encouraging. 

One annoying thing that happened today is I tried to schedule my HSG test today only to find out that my OBGYN referred me to a facility that does not take my insurance.  How frustrating!  So I had to call the doctors office, leave a message for the doctors aide, and request a new imaging order with a company that actually accepts my insurance.  The last time I left a message with them I never got a call back and I wanted to know if my blood work was supposed to be fasting or non fasting.  Fortunately the first test was non fasting and the second test I was able to go in for my ultrasound and ask the doctor in person, which was a good thing because the second one is a fasting one, and I'm getting that done on Thursday.  So I don't have very high hopes that I will hear back this time eventhough I tried to make my message sound urgent.  I'll call every day this week so that way when I go in for my appointment and my doctor asks why I didn't get my HSG test done I can say it's because their stupid aide never called me back even though I called 4 times.  So that means I will have to wait another month before I can get that test done.  Maybe something will be revealed in my blood work.  Just in case I never mentioned it yet, this is apart of my fertility tests my doctor ordered.  So far we have confirmed I'm ovulating just fine.  At least I'm getting help now and I'm not suck in limbo waiting for one year to pass. 

We went on a hike yesterday.  I had a good time.  I was the slowest person in the family (beat by a 4 year old) but at least I was there and I did have a good time.

This month is super busy and I don't know how much time I'll have over the next few weeks, but I'll try to post an update at least once every week or two. 

Oh, and I do have a plan brewing in the back of my mind.  I'm thinking of doing Keto with carb ups to help prevent me from binging.  I really think Keto is a step in the right direction, it's just not the whole answer.  I suppose the official name for it is carb cycling but basically you do Keto for two days and then one high carb day like 85-120 g carbs and then repeat. 

Ok, I'm off for now. 

A New Low

Yesterday I had a new low on the scale: 183.4.  Yay!  First time I've passed 184 since January, so I'm pretty happy about that, but that success came after a really rough day.  Saturday was a hard day.  I feel like my body pulled out all the stops and did everything it could to make me binge on carbs.  The good news is: I didn't.  It's easier to not binge on carbs when I'm not eating any carbs.  It was purely psychological.  I did eat several snacks on Saturday, all Keto approved of course.  But Saturday I was tired and depressed and in a pretty bad mood all day.  By the time 12:00 came around I was ready for the day to be over.  My kids were great on Saturday though and that probably saved me.  I managed to play my flute and do some cross stitching to get me through the day.  In the evening I had a church meeting and that actually really helped me feel good.  By the time I went to bed I was feeling much better, and in the morning I had the nice surprise of being lower!  (Especially since on Saturday I was back at 185.2).  So that was a mental roller coaster. 

Sunday was a great day.  I did however eat a slice of home made sourdough bread.  I put butter on it and dipped it in oil, but then remembered that if you add carbs you are supposed to subtract the equivalent amount of fat.  Oh well, next time.  My in-laws stopped by for dinner and home made bread is sooooooo good.  I made it the first day I started Keto and I haven't touched it, not even on baking day, and I put out the oil/seasoning dip and it proved to be my downfall.  But you know what?  One piece of bread on day 12 isn't going to kill me.  It's now day 13 and I'm back to doing full keto.  I had my leftover Chorizo sausage and an avocado for breakfast and sipped on the other half of my morning rocket fuel chamomile tea. 

I'm feeling really good today, and I hope it lasts all day.  I still usually get pretty tired in the afternoon, but I'm pretty sure my body isn't fat adapted yet.  Hopefully Saturday was a turning point and things will get better from here.  I'm going to start weighing myself only once a week.  I've been weighing myself every day because I wanted to see how my body was reacting to the new way of eating.  I did learn one interesting thing.  On the day I ate a lot of cheese, my weight went up by half a pound the next morning.  Which is a classic sign of dairy intolerance.  So cheese in light supply for me.  I can get away with only a very small amount before it starts to give me a stomach ache at night.  I'm also hoping that by only weighing in once it will take the stress off of constantly trying to lose and then the daily fluctuations won't bother me because I won't know about them.  That's the idea anyway.  I could of course just switch to unbearable curiosity and start worrying about it all week, which is not something I want to do either.  I'm trying to just focus on eating and exercising: basically living a healthy life and let the weight take care of itself.  That is the goal anyway, we will just have to see how it goes.

You Can't Win Them All

So, I had my first recipe fail, I suppose you could say, since starting.  Maybe another way of putting that is, the first recipe I made that I really hated.  They were a smoked salmon fat bomb.  I like everything that is in the recipe: smoked salmon, goat cheese, and butter.  But somehow, all together they were not my favorite.  In fact... I ate one and then threw the rest in the trash.  I know my husband wouldn't have liked them because they were super salty and he hates salty things so I didn't even bother. 

They look nice though.  I think that it is possible that if I found a smoked salmon lower in sodium, and used unsalted butter (the only organic butter I could find at the grocery store was salted) they might be good, but that experiment will have to wait a while as the memory of eating them makes my stomach churn. 

I am on day 11 of going Keto and I haven't had any cheat days or meals.  I checked my ketone levels yesterday and today in the afternoon and they are at about 2, so I think I'm on the right track.  Yesterday I was super tired but I think that had more to do with Chloe wetting the bed at 4am and then not being able to fall back asleep.  I've felt much better today.  I was pretty tired this morning but I've felt better since about 11:00, after I went to the gym.  I wasn't very motivated at the gym today and I didn't feel my best.  When I went on Tuesday I felt great, but today was not one of those feel great working out days, and that's ok.  I re-did week 2 day 1 of my 10K trainer which is run 90 seconds and then walk 2 minutes, and then repeat that for 20 minutes.  That felt hard today, so next time I will redo it until it feels easier.  I was really hoping to see some improvement by now in my running since I've been working on it since January 1st but I have a suspicion that my lack of weight loss has hampered my running progress.  I was hoping to do a relay triathlon with my family at the end of summer, but at this pace there is no way I'd be able to run a 10k.  (My husband and father in law would do the other two legs and I would run).  Hopefully Keto works for me and I start dropping weight and can feel better soon.  If things don't get moving soon, the tri will be off, I'm not anywhere close to where I thought I would be.  I originally wanted to run a 5K in May, but even that isn't going to happen with me barely able to run a minute and a half at a time. 

I think my hormones are still messed up from my miscarriage.  Speaking of which I finally was able to get in to see a doctor and get the ball rolling to see what the heck is going on inside my body.  It's been over a year now so I don't have to deal with any "just wait and see if you heal" or "we have to wait until you've been trying for a year before we can do anything".  So frustrating.  But it's all in the past now, and hopefully I can get some answers soon.  I have a suspicion my hormones might be hampering my weight loss efforts. 

And speaking of weight loss, I am down to 184.2 this morning.  So I finally broke through the 185 mark, but I was at 184 just a month ago and the lowest I've been this year is something like 182.6.  Also last night I only drank a rocket fuel bone broth for dinner at 5:00, so I'm not confident that the number reflected on the scale this morning is all that accurate.  I plan on eating  a normal dinner tonight and then we will see tomorrow if it's real weight loss or just a result of not eating solid food for dinner. 

In parting I will leave you with a picture of my salad I ate for lunch.  The dressing is simply basil infused olive oil with salt and pepper on top. 

Cheesecake and oatmeal

The last few days have been going well.  I've tried out several new recipes.  I made a cheesecake from my dairy free cream cheese and I also made some peanut butter fudge for a fat bomb.  Today I'm going to make some salmon goat cheese fat bombs.  I drank another rocket fuel tea Sunday night and it didn't upset my stomach very much which was great.  I'm feeling pretty good today.  I was able to walk on the treadmill yesterday and today I did Zumba at home.  It was really hard today, but that could be due to several factors besides just changing my diet: I haven't done Zumba in a while and I am just getting over being sick. 

Keto strawberry cheesecake

I've had more energy today than any other day and interestingly enough I woke up this morning and I was not hungry.  After himming and hawing about what to eat for a while, I decided to make Keto oatmeal. It has Hemp seeds and coconut oil and almond milk, and at the end you mix in some almond flour.  I topped mine with some pecans and two strawberries. 

I ate half of my oatmeal.  I really enjoyed it, but I just wasn't hungry.  I didn't eat again until 12:30.  Talk about crazy.  I'm usually ravenous in the morning.  About 10:00 I noticed a weird taste in my mouth, almost metallic maybe?  I wonder if it's a sign I'm starting to go into Ketosis since your breath is supposed to smell like Acetone for a while.  I'm not sue though, as it seems a little early for that yet.  It's supposed to be at least two weeks before you start expressing signs of Ketosis and becoming more fat adapted.  But I will take it as a sign that things are working as they are supposed to.  Needless to say, today I have felt different than before and I hope it means all things are going as planned.  I ate a smaller amount than normal for lunch too.  I just haven't been very hungry today and it's kind of nice.  Much different than feeling like I need to eat all the time, whether I was hungry or not. 

My weight hasn't been doing much, which I am only a little disappointed about since most people loose a lot the first week just from their body dumping their glycogen stores.  However, I haven't really been restricting my calories.  I counted for a few days, but I hate tracking my food, although I really probably should just to make sure my ratios are coming out ok and I'm not getting too many carbs.  The three days I did track everything, it looked pretty good.  My total carbs were about 7% and it's supposed to be 5% so I figure if I just count net carbs instead of total carbs I've pretty much hit that goal (although I admit there is always room for improvement, that's pretty good for a first week) My fat was 75-77% so all seemed pretty good there too.  Day one my weight was 187.6 from eating poorly for a week and a half before I started, and a few days later it was 185 and it stayed there for a few days and now it's 185.4.  So I will see what it is tomorrow at the one week mark.  I'm not too worried about it at this point.  I've shed all the excess bloat from overeating carbs and my pants feel better for it.  It's kind of amazing what just a few pounds can do.