Tuesday, March 29, 2016


I know I've been quiet for a while and I think that the frequency of my posts are going to remain slow.  Since my surgery, and then dealing with the whole family getting sick (which we are not completely over yet) I have sunk into a deep depression.  It's hard to make myself get up in the morning.  It's hard to make myself do things throughout the day.  Sometimes I feel like I have no emotion.  I'm tired all the time.  All I want to do is sleep.  I don't get excited, I am not motivated.  It has been incredibly difficult.  Even writing the post right now is hard.  I don't feel inspired and I have no great words of wisdom.  I wonder why I'm writing a weight loss blog when I have failed so miserably to even achieve a healthy weight.  The good news, if there is any, is that I am managing to maintain right now.  At least I am not going up.  I am at 171, only 4 pounds away from hitting the obese category once again.  My clothes don't fit.  My workout clothes don't fit. and I find myself wishing I hadn't given away all my size 14 pants.  I still have some leggings and a few large size 12 pants that fit. 

I know that this can't last forever, so I am trying to look forward and hold on as tight as I can for now.  I can't afford to do what I did shortly after the miscarriage. If I do I will end up close to 200 pounds and that might destroy me. 

Thinking about patience I know we want to try for another child in the near future, I do need to let my body heal and I hope to get out of this depression before that happens.  So that is 9 months where I have to be patient and I can't diet and I don't want to gain a zillion pounds.  So the focus has to be on breaking bad habits and eating healthy.  I want to do that much slower than I have been doing it.  I tend to jump in all at once.  I have an all or nothing mentality that I've talked about many times.  I think it's time to try something different.  Make one little change.  Focus on one little thing at a time.  The problem is, I don't know what to choose to focus on.  There are so many things I could focus on, which would be the easiest place to start.  Somewhere I would have the most success and could really turn into a long term healthy habit.  I have thought about cutting sugar but I have tried that before and it always backfires on me.  So maybe instead of trying to not eat something, I should try to eat something such as vegetables.  I like vegetables, it is just preparing them can be a pain.  I'm thinking that is where I'm going to start.  Getting in 4 servings of vegetables a day.  Maybe if I focus on adding things in, the bad things will naturally begin to diminish and if I add in enough good things, the bad things will dwindle to a manageable amount. 

It's worth a try.  At least it is somewhere to start. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Struggles and Patience

It has been stressful here to say the least.  Since my surgery my I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, but mostly depressed, tired and cranky.  I've thought about stopping everything all together.  Stopping the blog, and just taking a step back from everything.  It's been non stop pain since my miscarriage.  First the miscarriage, then my grandma's death, then dealing with the weight gain, then the hemorrhaging, and recovering from surgery, now the whole family is sick, myself included.  Lily was throwing up and had diarrhea on Saturday.  Chloe has been sick for a week now with a cough, runny nose, some sort of head cold, which I have also come down with.  So I'm trying to recover from the surgery, dealing with all sorts of emotional trauma, suffering from extreme exhaustion and now I've got a bad cold.  I've been kept up coughing most nights, and what nights I'm not coughing, the kids get me up because they are also sick.  Chloe then starts complaining about things she has imagined up in her sleep, like how her bracelets are no longer on the door knob.  She totally freaked out at 1am because she thought her bracelets got moved.  But they were exactly where she left them and once she saw they were there, she moved onto the next thing she imagined up.  And this continued for over an hour.  It was awful.  I think I'm on the back side of this thing, but I'm still not back to normal and to top it off I've been having a lot of uterine pain today.  Whenever I stand up I've been hurting.  It's not cramps, but some other pain.  It might be from the constant coughing.  Last night I was in a lot of pain because I was coughing so much it was making the spot where I have my scar from my C-section hurt. 

Despite all this, I have started exercising again.  Just an easy 30 minute exercise.  I started the Couch to 5k program with an app from ZenLabs.  I feel better just getting a little bit of easy exercise in, like I'm actually doing something.  At the same time it is depressing to see how much I have deteriorated because of the medical issues I've been having.  I used to be able to exercise 2 hours a day and now I can barely last 30 minutes.  The weight is weighing me down.  I feel it everywhere and it feels heavy on my body.  We are going skiing this weekend and for the second time I will have to sit out because I'm too fat and out of shape to go skiing.  None of my ski clothes fit and I don't think I could last through the physical demands of skiing. Combine that with still recovering from my three month miscarriage and surgery and it's just not a good idea.  I was planning on sitting out the ski season this year, but I was supposed to be pregnant. Sitting out the ski season and not being pregnant is a huge blow. 

One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is patience, of which I have none.  Perhaps this trial is to teach me patience.  I want what I want and I want it now.  Waiting is difficult for me.  From my research and studies, patience seems to have three components to it, or can be applied/interpreted in three different ways.

1.  Patience is the ability to put our desires on hold for a time.

This is your basic, waiting for what you want.  I can apply this to eating by this thought.  Can I be patient enough to put my desire for a cookie on hold until a time when it is more appropriate to eat that cookie.  Instead of eating 20 cookies all at once, can I be patient and eat one cookie every 20 days. 

2. Patience is actively working towards worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results do not appear instantly or without effort.

This one hits home for me.  I want to start working on losing weight, and I want to see results and be at the finish line NOW, not a year from now.  And when I go a few days and the scale is up or hasn't changed then I get discouraged and upset.  Having patience to endure the weight loss journey and to persevere when things don't appear to be going as you would like, and continue to work and problem solve and not give up is one of the most challenging aspects of losing weight.

3.  Patience is enduring well

This one I relate to my trials and problems.  How well can I endure trial by fire?  Through this very difficult challenge that has lasted over three months now I am not sure I have endured very well or very patiently.  I wanted it over fast, and to move on.  Instead it built and lingered and I've become more depressed and I want to cry out to God and ask why am I still dealing with these problems?  Why did I have to start hemorrhaging three months after my miscarriage, why did I have to have a miscarriage in the first place?  haven't I been through enough, why is the whole family sick including myself, making it even more difficult to heal, sleep, and now I have super cranky kids and I'm super cranky! 

As much as I have been kicking at the pricks I have also tried to get through this with some semblance of normalcy.  I continue to do reading lessons with the kids, and I've tried to keep our daily scripture study going.  I have been studying my scriptures daily, and I have been trying to take the kids out to fun places and continue doing things with them.  It's been hard and I feel like I'm stumbling along. 

Last night I was reading in the book of Mormon (because I am Mormon and I study the Book of Mormon) and one of the verses really stood out to me.  In this verse one of the prophets, Alma, is preaching to the members of the church.  Much like Paul in the New Testament preaching to members of the church (such as the book of Corinthians and Romans)  Anyway, Alma says this

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."  Alma 7:23

Patient and long suffering.  It seems to be the theme that I keep stumbling upon.  So, that is the attribute I am going to work on developing.  If we get pregnant again in the next few months I am going to have a major Hiatus in my weight loss efforts.  Can I be patient enough to endure that without going overboard and ending up at the same weight I was when Chloe was born?  Can I be patient enough to wait and endure and just eat what is good for me, but not go extreme with severely restricting my calories.  Find the balance, and let the time go by.  The necessary time to reach a healthy weight, going slow so that I don't turn back to binging.  Going slow so that I don't feel like I'm dieting and then I am 'on plan' or 'off plan'.  Instead, I just eat the way I eat.  Change habits, and if it takes 5 years then so be it.  That is the kind of patience I need to have.  The kind that lets go of the obsessive need to lose weight and shifts my focus onto better things, like feeling better, and teaching my kids.  I need to be "temperate in all things" and remember my blessings and be thankful for the things that I do have.  Like my two girls and my great Husband and my house and the fact that I am still alive today to be here for my kids. 

Patience....that is not an easy attribute to develop.

(My points about patience were taken from this talk:



Thursday, March 3, 2016

Feelin Good

Today was the successful completion of day 3.  I've felt a lot better over the past few days and I think its because of the surgery.  I think that when the fetal tissue was retained, and my hormones were all out of wack it was really messing me up.  I just didn't care about anything.  Now I know that I have a certain amount of responsibility for my actions over the past several months, but I really do think my hormones had a hand in my mood and emotions over the past three months. 

Yesterday I was worried about the afternoon because I was going to be eating late.  Lily had a dental appointment at 5:10pm and I wouldn't be eating until 6:30 or later.  I was worried about going that long without food and ending up in a state of "I don't care, I am just so hungry!"  And since my father in law is our dentist we went over to their house for dinner.  They have lots of chips and so that was a minefield I had to maneuver.  Fortunately for me they also had bananas on the counter and I chose to eat a banana over stuffing myself with chips.  Matt's mom made an amazing meal with bbq ribs and mashed potatoes and vegetables.  I tracked everything in MFP as best I could and I ended up under by about 50 calories for the day.  I'm basically trying to copy what Katie did.  I know that everyone is different and it might not work for me as well, but then again it might.  I've never taken such a casual approach to tracking, where I really try to listen to my body (with a little help from tracking) and allow my calorie variation to fluctuate where if I'm not too hungry one day, then I can eat fewer calories and if I am more hungry another day I can eat a little more and one day a week allow myself to even hit 2000+ calories allowing myself flexibility in eating out without going overboard.  Usually when I would eat out I wouldn't track calories at all and I'm sure my meal alone ended up being over 2k calories.  Giving myself even 750-800 calories to eat out gives me a lot more menu choices but then keeps things in perspective and I still feel like I am getting a treat. 

Some other things that are different this time around is that I am not snacking inbetween meals.  I really like what Katie said, where not snacking allows her to have higher calorie meals so she can eat more or use better quality ingredients like heavy whipping cream, and full fat dairy (although I generally tend to avoid dairy these days, the same principles apply).  The last few days I have been eating chips every day.  I really love chips and I bought some individual to go bags from Costco so they are already portioned out and I don't have to worry about counting them out of a big bag and then feeling sad that I can only have so many chips.  This way I get to eat a whole bag of chips!  I haven't had dessert the past few days. I haven't wanted any, and that is probably due in some part to all the binging on sweets I've been doing lately.  Today was the first day that I really wanted something sweet after dinner and I decided to write a blog post first and now I'm not really interested in eating anything.  Today I ended up about 85 calories over and that's pretty good.  I'm going to take another leaf from Katie and not let the red numbers bother me.  She figured out what number of calories worked for her, and I am going to have to figure out the same thing.  I was shocked when she stated on her blog that she is eating about 1900 calories a day for maintenance and MFP told her to eat only 1500 a day for maintenance.  Just goes to show you how much those calorie trackers don't know about each individual.  (However I do believe that Katie runs five days a week and does not add exercise calories back into the equation)  So that is another thing to think about.  For Katie's full story visit her blog at www.runsforcookies.com

Just in the past three days I have gone from 166 to 164.  I know it's probably just food and water weight, but it is still good to see.  I think I can get a good streak going again.  I really want to get a good streak going and figure something out before I get pregnant again just so that I can make sure I am eating right during my pregnancy.  (whenever we decide to try again, after recent events I'm a little apprehensive about it). 

So here is to the third good day in a row.  As Joy says from Inside out "We are going to have a good day which turns into a good week which turns into a good year, which turns into a good life!"

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Making Plans

So after deciding that I have no one to blame but myself, I thought about how I can go about to remedy the problem.  The first step in fixing the problem is realizing and admitting that it is a problem.  What I realized was that ever since I decided to be a stay at home mom, I have been lacking a schedule.  All my life I have had a schedule to abide by which was given me by outside sources.  School, or work.  But once I became a stay at home mom, no one gave me a schedule to adhere to and I became lazier and lazier because I really didn't have to do anything.  Now, I know I have accomplished a lot over the past 5 years and it's not like I neglected my kids, I just know in hindsight that I could have done better.  But I have five years of experience now that I didn't have then.  And I know a thing or two now that I didn't know then.  But something that has been missing from my life is a schedule, and there is no one to come up with it but me.  So I've decided that before I go to bed at night I will write out a schedule for the next few days.  It has times on it, but that is more to keep me on track vs being very rigid.  Last night I wrote out this schedule for today:
7-8: morning, breakfast, teeth brush, etc
8:30- kids bath
9:30 scripture study
10:30- drop off kids, go to grocery store
12:00- lunch, flute, nap
2:30 pick up kids
3:00- chloe reading lesson, lily activity pack
4-5:30 movie
5:30 dinner
6:30-chloe bed

While the day didn't adhere strictly to the schedule, the kids ate breakfast and I gave them a bath, then we did scripture study and I dropped the kids off at a friends house who had volunteered to watch them for me for a couple of hours.  I ended up playing my flute later in the day and I decided to play a game instead of taking a nap.  The kids watched a movie later in the evening and dinner didn't happen until 6:15.  But in essence, I was able to do everything on the list, and I feel more accomplished today.  It's a good start.  I already have tomorrow planned and when I'm done posting I will plan out Thursday.  I am usually more optimistic in my planning because I plan things that I emotionally want to do, even if I fell tired the next day hopefully I will stick to the schedule.  I just need to give it a good effort and stick with it.  Katie has been really inspiring about sticking with things that you start long enough to see them have an effect.  It takes hard work and dedication, and things can be tweaked if need be but you can't see the results unless you stick with it long enough to see results. 

In that same line, I have decided to sort of copy what Katie did to lose the weight.  I like how she talked about giving herself enough freedom so she didn't feel deprived, or restricted.  I also like the not eating snacks inbetween meals which allows her to eat more for her meals.  I think the fewer times I have to be around food and eating food the better.  Unlike a drug addict, I can't just quit eating.  Today I feel like I did a good job of eating slower to allow myself time to digest so I wasn't still hungry when I finished eating. 

Even through the bumps in the road today, I managed to stay on track.  Tomorrow brings about a whole new set of challenges, but I think I am up to the task.