Thursday, October 30, 2014

Pumpkin Carving

A few months ago I realized that I no longer crave feeling full, and in fact I don't like the feeling of being full.  That feeling where your stomach is stretched to capacity and you don't want to eat another bite.... except that you do because what I have recently discovered about myself is that 75% of the time my desire to eat has absolutely nothing to do with my physical hunger.  SAY WHAT?  That is right.  I realized this the other day when I was eating, and eating, and eating some more and I was very full.  I was so full that I didn't was starting to get that sick stretched feeling but I psychologically wanted to eat more.  I couldn't stop eating although I was clearly full and didn't need any more food.  That is when I realized that so much of my eating is not due to being hungry or being afraid of getting too hungry, but its actually due to other psychological reasons.  Those are the things I am trying to uncover so that I can start living better and not being so dependent on food and stop my binges and stop all the crazy snacking that goes on in the afternoon.  I'm not sure if I am discouraged by the fact that most of the time I eat when I am not hungry or if I am enlightened.  I suppose right now I am conflicted.  But with each new revelation I am one step closer to my goals and one step further in my progression to having a healthy normal relationship with food. 

Today we finally got around to carving our pumpkins.  Yet another difference between my two kids is very apparent in the way they reacted to carving the pumpkins.  Lily didn't want anything to do with the inside of the pumpkin and refused to touch it.  Chloe on the other hand absolutely loved putting her hand inside the pumpkin and pulling out pumpkin guts and seeds.

Now we are all ready for Halloween tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Rediscovering my favorite activities

Finally I am feeling back to normal.  Yesterday I went to a Zumba Toning class and it was the first time I didn't feel like I wanted to lie down and go to sleep in the middle of class.  I actually had energy to do the workout.  Good thing too because that was a hard class!  Much harder than I thought it would be.  My arms were shot afterwards, surprisingly thought it's my legs that are sore today. 

Lily has been testing my patience lately, she has been stool holding again.  There is nothing that stresses me out quite like when she refuses to poop.  After a 20 minute tantrum, which is relatively short when it comes to this topic, I decided to bribe her and I said that if she would poop we could make cookies together.  30 seconds later, she complied and we were off baking cookies.  I am definitely not above bribing my kids, and it seems to work the best with Lily anyway.  It turned out to be an unexpected bonus because I didn't let her eat any of the cookies we made (she was able to eat some cookie dough) until after she ate her dinner, and she had to eat all of her vegetables before she could eat her cookies.  She is such a picky eater and it all depends on her mood, she likes peas and corn and green beans and carrots and broccoli but a lot of the time she just refuses to eat them.  It is infuriating.  Lately I have been making sure she eats at least one fruit and one vegetable a day, and I am determined to keep that up because her diet has become pretty poor over the past year with how picky she has been with eating.   Last year I was pulling teeth just to get her to eat something that I didn't care so much what that something was.  That has led to other problems such as hard stools and constipation from not enough fiber in her diet.  I also decided that it was time to start educating my kids on food groups and what is in the foods they eat and why we need to eat certain foods.  So when we were making cookies I was talking to Lily about solids and liquids (wet and dry) ingredients, and when we were playing we were naming all the fruits that she could think of.  Then we played a game where I said a food and asked if it was a fruit or veggie and she had a really great time with that.  I've also been checking out food books from the library and Lily and Chloe both love to look through those books and tell me which foods they have eaten and which ones they have not.  I decided that if I want to instill a love of eating healthy and get them to establish good eating habits I need to start now.  And you know what they say "there is no time like the present" or something along those lines. 

After the kids went to bed I was reading on and she talks about how she is busy with her activities and she loves being busy.  That got me thinking.  I don't think I have enough things to do during the day, I get lethargic in the afternoon and in the evenings I peruse the internet.  Not very productive, or fulfilling.  So I decided to start working on something that is recommended in the book I've talked about recently "Food Triggers".  She says to go and discover things about yourself.  You know what kind of food you like, you know what your favorite dessert is and your favorite candy, but what kinds of music do you like?  What genre of books are your favorite?  Do you enjoy making things with your hands, or would you prefer to dance.  Learn how to do something new, take your mind off of food and discover yourself.  In this case I chose to rediscover a hobby I haven't had time or felt like doing for two years: Cross Stitch!  My mom made all of the kids cross stitch stockings and I wanted to carry on the tradition to my family, so about 5 years ago I made Matt his stocking (I will post a picture of it once we get the stockings out ha!) and I bought stuff for Lily's stocking before she was born but never got very far on it.  Two years ago Matt bought me a stitching station for Christmas (I picked it out in the catalog and he sneakily bought it for me) and I hadn't even set it up yet.  So Last night after the kids were in bed, out it came!
It is soooo coool!  much better than the little hoop I was using.  An unexpected consequence is that I now have to learn to cross stitch with my left hand as well as my right because one hand stays on top and one stays on bottom.  So even though this is an older hobby that I am rediscovering, I am also learning something new!  I'm training my left hand how to cross stitch! Now I know you are wondering what the heck that is that I'm making (isn't it obvious?).  I told you I didn't get very far on it before I put it away.  Babies have a tendency to make crafts go into the closet and never come out.  This is Lily's stocking and here is what the finished project will look like:
Except the name will say Lily instead of Alexander of course.  I think I did a good job picking out the pattern, I bought it before Lily was born but Lily loves animals so I think this is a good one.  Since Christmas is coming up soon now is a good time to buy Chloe's stocking pattern too.  I suppose I could wait until next year since I doubt I will be finishing this project any time soon but I've never been very good at waiting.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Sweet 16

I decided to clean my house today, mostly because my sister turns 16 today and we threw her a surprise Birthday Party at my house!  It all was pretty busy today since I had to go pick up balloons, Ice Cream Cake, and run a few other errands like getting church shoes for my younger girl because of course we don't have any of Lily's old shoes that fit her.  Turns out she is a size six and we have size 5 and size 7.  She picked out Frozen shoes of course.  They are cute.  Flats that are silver with little sparkles on the toes.  I think they will look nice and they will be easier to walk in than the little heels they have on the more formal little girls shoes.  I don't know whose idea it was to put heels on toddler shoes. 

I felt sick all morning, but that didn't stop me from getting the house tidied up.  (I did start feeling better at about 1pm)  Lets see, there was the laundry, sweeping the floor, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the carpets, tidying up the living room and cleaning off the mantle and top of the entertainment center, cleaning all the yogurt and food off of the chairs, cleaning off the table so I could put the party tablecloth and balloons and presents and cake on it.  I finished everything I needed to to at about 3:45 and then got ready for my..... Half Size Me Interview!  Woo Hoo!  Heather, the host of my now favorite podcast (on account of it is the only podcast I listen to) contacted me a while back and asked if I wanted to interview for the show.  I was pretty nervous as the time came closer to interview but I got over my nerves pretty quickly after we started talking.  Heather is really easy and fun to talk to and I really enjoyed talking.  I did feel a little nervous going so much into my past with my parents, mostly my mom making me diet and exercise back in 6th grade, but I knew that I had to tell the truth and I had to tell my whole story and that time was when it all started and is a huge contributing factor to the rest of my past.  The interview won't air until January so it's going to be a while. 

I've been thinking a lot about food of course as I usually do.  This morning I was feeling queasy and when I opened up the fridge the thing that called out to me was the strawberry cheesecake pancakes I had made for breakfast yesterday.  I stood there and started to think to myself.  Why do I want to eat those so badly?  Goodness knows my stomach and my body doesn't want them.  Why am I so programmed to jump for sugar?  It is so frustrating.  Here I am feeling sick and mentally I am wanting to eat something sweet that will probably make me feel even sicker.  I remember one time growing up when I had the flu and I ate a packet of sweet tarts and then promptly threw them up.  I ate them because I saw them.  My body didn't want them, but I mentally wanted them.  Why?  This is the thing that is the most perplexing to me.  It is also the thing that I have not been able to resolve for myself.  I feel like I am programmed to automatically reach for sugar.  After lunch I want a treat, after dinner I want a treat.  In the afternoon I want a treat.  I feel like my body is craving sugar all the time.  When I get hungry the first thing I want is something sweet.  Since I have not been eating sweets, I have loaded up on refined carbs, eating crackers and chips in place of sweets.  A better replacement would be fruit or veggies.  I am not entirely sure how to tackle this beast, and a lot of books on the topic are usually pretty harsh calling sugar a poison and saying that we should cut it out of our diet all together.  But I really don't want to do that.  Sugar is a part of our culture, our society, our life.  Take today for example, Ice Cream Cake at a birthday party.  Cake at a wedding, desserts at every holiday, family gathering, event, activity.  You name it, food and desserts are a part of it.  How do we navigate this?  How do we stop ourselves from binging around these foods?  Is it even possible for someone like me to have a healthy relationship with desserts?  The answer: honestly..... I don't know.

To end on a light note, here are a few pictures from tonight's birthday party with my sister.  She was super surprised and we had a great time.  The kids were a little fussy and had to be put to bed in the middle of it, fortunately though they went to bed easily.  Also, I did have a piece of birthday cake since it was Blizzard Ice Cream cake from DQ.  But that does not mean that I have given myself a free for all pass, in fact I am going to stay away from all desserts for another good long stretch.  Maybe until Thanksgiving or another big event comes up where something irresistible is available.  So maybe I am making progress in this area after all.

Lily couldn't hardly stand not opening the presents. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

Hanging On

This week I have been rather sick in my stomach, the aftermath of food poisoning Saturday night through Sunday.  That was definitely an experience I don't ever want to have to live through again.  It was horrendous, so I will spare you the details.  But I felt weak for days, not regaining my strength and energy until today actually.  However, even though my stomach was queasy I kept snacking.  Mostly on crackers.  Maybe my body wanted plain easily digested foods or something, but I just couldn't stop eating.  I felt like every day started out normally enough, except that every morning this week I have woken up completely famished.  I have eaten my normal breakfast and my normal lunch but I just haven't been able to get my afternoon and evening straight this week.  I have been attacked by the munchies every single day, and a very strong urge to binge.  Every time I even think about a cookie, or the chocolate in the pantry, or the brownies on the counter I can't even think about them normally, my thoughts automatically turn to binging.  It is difficult to stick to my resolve with so much sugar in the house.  Brownies for Matt.  Cookies for the Kids.  Left over chocolate that I just can't throw away.  The whole thing being made weirder because my stomach actually doesn't feel well, yet I've had more cravings this week for candy and desserts than I have since I started this three weeks ago.  But that is the problem isn't it.  Binging doesn't adhere to logic, it doesn't adhere to how your stomach feels or what your brain tells you that you should and should not be doing, or whether you are full or actually need any of the food you are feeding yourself.  Binging is irrational, illogical, emotional, and can be triggered by any range of situations and emotions.  I have known for a while that stress can trigger a binge so I have been actively working on that one.  Another trigger I have identified this week is, believe it or not, being tired.  I have been so incredibly tired this week from getting almost zero sleep Saturday night and feeling so weak from the food poisoning.  I realize that when I am tired I want to go eat because I can't sleep.  (Obviously with two young children running around I can't just let them run around unsupervised).  I wonder if I have made this substitution consciously or if it just happened gradually over the years.  What I really need and want is sleep, but because of the time of day or more likely I just can't sleep due to my schedule and things I need to be doing, I turned to food to satisfy the part of me that longs for rest. 

This is a whole new battle and one that I am not sure how to fight, therefore I have largely failed this week with eating healthily.  My whole afternoon turned into one long grazing feat from about 3pm-6pm.  Mostly crackers.... Not sure why I was craving crackers so much.  I think it was because what I was really craving was sugar and I cannot be trusted around sugar.  I am happy to say that although my eating hasn't been all that healthy I have not binged, and I weighed myself the other day and was 146.6, which I am very happy with on account of I knew that I was dehydrated and the scale was artificially low last Sunday.  Hopefully the scale will stick around that range.  I have still been getting my workouts in remarkably, mostly due to the fact that my oldest daughter begs to go to school almost every day, well school is the gym, so if I'm going to the gym, I'm going to get something accomplished.  I've been thinking also this week of whether or not I will allow myself desserts again, and when that should be if I do.  I would love to have a healthy relationship with those foods, right now is not the time.  If I can't even look at or think about a food without having thoughts of binging then that food definitely has power over me and it is not safe for me to eat it if one bite is going to lead to a binge.  So maybe the day will come when I no longer think about binging when I think of that food.  Then, maybe the day will come when I no longer physically crave that food, and then maybe the day will come that I no longer psychologically crave that food.  Perhaps then, when I no longer physically and emotionally want those foods I will be able to reintroduce them, until then I have been able to hold onto my resolve.  One day at a time.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Emotional Side to Eating

I recently read a book called "Food Triggers" by Rhonda Epstein, Psy D.  This book is all about identifying what triggers you to eat.  I really liked this book because she focuses on binge eating and identifying why you binge eat, and what causes you to binge.  She does touch on diet induced bingeing and deprivation induced binging but she more focuses on what got you to where you are today.  What behaviors cause you to eat uncontrollably and how did you develop those behaviors and how can you overcome them.  She draws heavily on God which I actually found rather refreshing.  I feel like in our world today the religious community is afraid to mention things due to fear of retaliation by those who are non-religious or who believe in different faiths.  So many people don't mention God at all and how He fits into their life or what they believe.  This book doesn't strive to convert you to any particular religion but it tells you to draw on your own beliefs and improve your relationship with whatever God you believe in and improve your spirituality because that helps you win your emotional battles and in the end it is what carries you through this journey.  We can try and try to change ourselves, but it is so much easier if we let God change us and draw on His help, His love, and His care.  It is through His help that we will find the strength to tackle our emotional eating issues and the root of why we started turning to food for comfort in the first place. 

She shares several stories from people she has helped and focuses on really finding the root cause, and where all the craziness started.  Where did we start turning to food for comfort and why.  What was going on in your life the very first time you binged?  I loved that this book talks about really delving into your own issues, and facing things that you may have repressed or would rather forget.  Because you have to make peace with those issues if you want to be at peace with yourself and stop abusing food.  One example was someone turning to food because she was lonely, and food helped cover the pain she felt over feeling so alone.  She had to identify that feeling lonely was a trigger and once she knew that then she could work on solving those issues.  You can't fix a problem if you don't know what the problem is.  And as you probably know by now, I am really a big supporter of digging deep within yourself to find out something new about yourself.  The better you know yourself, the better you can plan, and then act.  She also talks about literal food triggers such as chips, desserts, comfort foods, any type of food that causes you to binge is a trigger food.  For me that is sweets, I just think about sweets and my mind immediately spirals to binging.  I love this quote from this book: "one bite is too much and a thousand bites will never be enough".  It describes my literal trigger food completely.  One bite and I've blown it, and a thousand bites later I still want more even though I feel sick. 

I also love how she talks about how this is a journey not just for your body but for your mind and your spirit as well.  That is so true!  I have realized another reason why so many people who start this journey never finish or get stuck in the terrible yo yo dieting cycle.  First of all, everyone wants a quick fix.  They are not willing to invest the time, or energy into figuring out how to do it right.  Second, many times when people make one mistake they give up.  And a third one now to add to the list is that they are not willing to change their mind and their spirit as well as their body.  You cannot change your body without changing your mind.  You have to change the way you think before you can successfully reach your weight loss goals.  I have talked about this again and again over the past few months.  You have to change your mind.  Changing your mind, and changing your spirit are much harder to tackle but you cannot win this food battle and break free from binge eating, and food obsession without changing those as well.  I think I still have more progress and more changes to make, but I am happy with where I am and how far I have come, and I'm looking forward to the future.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Sunday Weigh In

I have felt very good about how this last week went.  I have now been dessert and candy free for just over two weeks.  I am glad that I was able to identify my trigger food and remove it.  I haven't binged since I removed desserts and candy and I am very proud of that.  Every time I even think about having just a taste of something my thoughts lead to binging thoughts and I know that one piece will not ever be enough.  I've been reading a book called "Food Triggers" which I will talk about a little more later but there is a great quote in there that describes trigger foods perfectly "One bite is too much and a thousand bites will never be enough".  That pretty much sums it up, one bite of a trigger food sends you off the deep end and more often than not you end up binging.  That's what happened to me more often than not.  I would do very good for about 5-6 days and then I would give into my trigger foods and end up binging because it was off limits tomorrow.  A very unhealthy cycle that I knew I needed to break and get out of if I ever wanted to make peace with food and live a healthier life.

My workouts have been great this week.  I was able to do a longer run/walk combo than I thought I could, I even ran a whole 5k on the treadmill.  I started lifting weights with the weight machines at the gym.  I love the weight machines because you don't have to know which exercises to do, they are spelled out right there for you.  I do all the upper body machines one day and all the lower body machines on another day.  I add in the abs with the upper body and the back with the lower body for a total body workout over two days.  I also did my longest swim thus far: 900 yards (I almost added an extra zero to that as a typo, now that would be an impressive distance!)

Last night however, I spent the whole evening throwing up.  Chloe has been sick this past week and I think I finally caught it.  I didn't fall asleep until after 2:30 am, possibly later and when I did sleep it wasn't very restful because my stomach was cramping so badly.  My poor husband woke up this morning throwing up as well.  I suppose at least it is Sunday and neither of us have any plans on Sunday, except church, which we will not be attending today.  My stomach is still cramping pretty badly, but I was able to keep down some saltine crackers..... at least for the moment.  And so I leave you now with my weigh in:
146.0!  Down 2.2 pounds.  I am extremely happy with this but I am a little skeptical since I am not sure if this is artificially low from expelling so much intestinal liquids.  Ahhhh how the scale is unreliable.  Well, I suppose I will find out next week if this number is accurate or not.  I am glad that I have made progress with my scale obsession, if the number is up next week from this I will know why.  Although to tell the truth if the scale had to be artificially high or low I would definitely prefer artificially low, wouldn't you? However, I'm not sure I really like the process you have to go through to get the scale to err that way, much easier to make it err higher, all I have to do is eat something with lots of salt in it and boom!  two pounds up for the next few days.  Anyway, I'm rambling now so I am going to go lie down.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Horses and Leaves

I've been doing well the past few days.  Lily was begging to go to 'school' last night so I took them in and ended up on the treadmill.  I did an interval program and put my speed up to 6mph which was a 10 min mile pace for 4 minutes, and then recovered for 3 minutes.  I did a whole hour on the treadmill.  5.1 miles and was very proud of myself. 

And now for the fun stuff.  My cousin was in town and staying with my grandparents so I went over to see them and my Grandpa saddled up the horse and the kiddos got to ride a horse for the first time!

I told her to smile and that is what I got haha!

Also our maple tree has been dropping leaves like crazy and Lily decided we needed to go play in them.

They had a great time. 

I took today as a rest day since I was pretty tired from yesterday's run/walk and I don't know what we did in Zumba on Wednesday but whatever it was has left me super sore!  That means I'm making progress.  Always good to know you are going in the right direction.  And as an end note, I peeked today at the scale and it was 147.4  Yippee!!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


I have surprised myself several times over the past few days with things I have done or the way I have felt.  It is amazing to me the mental shift that has happened in my mind.  I never thought that I would be able to think like this and start to develop a normal and healthy relationship with food.  First of all on Sunday night I made an amazing butternut squash kale lasagna ( I will have to post the recipe soon).  After I finished my food I was about to get a second helping and in mid scoop I thought "why am I getting seconds? I'm not hungry, I don't need this food, and I don't really really want it". So I put it back and didn't have seconds! I was able to listen to my body instead of listening to my head, and I didn't feel deprived or hungry.  It was an amazing experience.  Yesterday I wanted to go to spin class in the morning but Chloe has been sick and I knew I couldn't take her into daycare so I had to wait until my husband would be home to stay with her.  Instead of doing spin I really wanted to see if I could run a 5k, just to see if I could do it.  I also wanted to get in some swim practice.  Well, the Broncos won last weekend (yea!) and we get 50% off papa johns pizza when they win, so Matt wanted pizza for lunch.  I love love love pizza but I kept thinking about how I would feel trying to run a 5k with all that pizza in my stomach.  I know exactly how pizza makes me feel and it isn't good for working out. I probably would have puked or just have to stop running if I ate pizza.  So I was thinking of eating just one piece but then I decided I didn't want to chance it and besides there is about 450 calories in one piece of pizza and I started thinking off all the things I could eat for 450 calories.  In the end I just decided to forgo the pizza, and I wasn't really tempted to eat it because I kept thinking how sick I would feel running with pizza in me.

I was able to complete my 5k and I only walked about 5 minutes of it! (A warm up and cool down) the last mile was really hard and I almost had to stop at the last half mile but I made it!  I ran at 5.3 mph which is an 11:20 min/mi pace.  I was super proud of myself. I was even able to do my swim workout afterwards (800 yards total which took me 32 minutes).  I felt really good about my accomplishment and very tired.  When I got home I ate a gigantic apple and some string cheese.  I had leftover lasagna and mashed cauliflower for dinner.   By the way, everyone lies, mashed cauliflower does not taste exactly like mashed potatoes.  I don't think they taste bad, just different.  Anyway, we got some new couches yesterday.  Woohoo!

So we decided to celebrate by watching The Hobbit.  We only watched the first half of  the movie because I didn't want to stay up until midnight.  I thought that this occasion warranted some popcorn so I popped some in coconut oil and another amazing thing happened.  I stopped eating it before it was gone!  And I didn't want any more and I wasn't tempted to eat the remainder of it.  I was really surprised by that.

Now I'm not trying to make myself out to look better than I am, but I am excited with the progress that I have made.  I know I still have a lot to work on.  Today I was really stressed and the kids were really difficult today, mostly my youngest who was really whiny and threw several tantrums today.  I definitely stress ate today, but I did keep my resolve to not eat any desserts or candy.  Because of that I am sure I saved myself thousands of calories.  I didn't eat half as well as I would have liked to today, but I didn't eat any cookies at the Pampered Chef team meeting tonight (we were doing training on cookie station shows so we had about five different kinds of cookies there), I didn't eat any of the pumpkin brownies that I made for my husband last night, and I didn't eat any of the chocolate covered acai/blueberries that I got from Costco last month.  I know the damage could have been a lot worse.  The stress was made worse today because I couldn't go to the gym, Chloe still isn't feeling the greatest and I didn't want to stress her out or pass around germs, so my alternative coping mechanism was not available.  I suppose I could have popped in an exercise DVD but I was cardio exhausted since I did an extensive cardio workout yesterday.  I really wanted to go to a yoga type class, but I definitely don't have anything like that at home.  Well, tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the kids will be happier, and I am going to make sure my eating is back on track.  I don't feel too good now, I can definitely tell my eating wasn't that good today.  But instead of leaving on a sad note, I will bring the focus back to my healthy choices and state that I am amazed at the progress I have been able to make and very proud of myself.  And that is an amazing thing, to feel proud of myself instead of upset with myself is definitely a different mindset.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Sunday Weigh In

I have felt very good this week.  I didn't eat any dessert or candy despite going to the candy factory and also having a Pampered Chef show where we made double chocolate cheesecake brownies.  I really feel like I don't want to eat that stuff right now because I know it is going to make me feel sick and tired.  Right now my desire to not feel sick and tired is stronger than my desire to eat that food.  Hopefully it stays that way, only time will tell.  I did great this week with my workouts, I only wish that I could have gotten in one more day of weight lifting (it was supposed to be Saturday) but that didn't happen, so I only got in one day instead of two.  Still I went to Zumba twice, spin once, and did a swim workout once, and even ran on the treadmill.  Running is my weakest area by far.  I have bad karma with running.  Anyway, I feel like I made healthy food choices all week, and I treated myself to popcorn with butter one night and was able to go out to eat Chinese.  I wasn't sure how my weight would turn out this week since I still haven't been tracking.  I have developed a strong aversion to tracking recently and I really really just don't want to do it, so I haven't been doing it because I know it is going to make me stressed and miserable and right now I'm trying to figure out a good lifestyle.  I am very happy with the way the week turned out and it seems like everything has paid off because my weigh in was:

148.2!  That is down 1.6 pounds from last week.  It's working!  Focusing on making the healthiest choices possible, cutting out sweets, and really paying attention to my body and hunger signals.  It's been a rough couple of months but I am on the right track again, making positive lifelong changes I can actually live with.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

A Pampered Chef Show

Today was a pretty busy day despite there only being two things on my schedule.  My mom called me up in the morning asking if I could go to the gym with her, I had given her a free day pass so she could check out my new gym. (it came with my new membership)  Of course this was the only Saturday of the month I actually had something scheduled in the morning.  I ate my favorite oatmeal breakfast: oatmeal with chocolate powder, PB2, chia seeds, and some brown sugar to sweeten it up.  I would love to ditch the extra sugar but I just can't.  Sometimes I use Date Sugar which has a lower glycemic index, but it's not as sweet so of course I don't like it as much.  Sometimes I will use honey or agave, those work good too but brown sugar just has the taste I really really like.  Anyway, Lily had to go to a church primary program practice this morning and she was really moody through the whole thing.  They are doing the yearly primary program during church tomorrow so they were practicing today.  I gave Lily and Chloe goldfish through the whole thing to keep them occupied.  We ended up leaving a little early, but I didn't feel bad since Lily just has to say the first article of faith with all the other 3-4 year olds at the beginning of the program and then she is done. "We believe in God the Eternal Father and in His son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost."  And that's it.  She has it down pretty good now!  As long as she doesn't get too moody tomorrow and eats something before church she should be fine.

Anyway, after that we came home, I made a quick lunch and booked it out to my Pampered Chef show that was an hour and 15 minutes away.  This was actually a host that I had two years ago while I was pregnant with Chloe and she hadn't seen me since.  When I walked up to the door she says "I thought you were someone else you have lost so much weight!  I was thinking "did Jenna send someone else and not tell me?"  That made me feel pretty good about myself!  I've seen this host several times since some of her friends had parties with me 2 years ago as well.  And she didn't even recognize me!  There was another person there who also hosted for me two years ago and she also commented saying "wow you have lost a lot of weight! That is amazing!"  It felt really good to get some compliments and to be reminded of how far I have come, especially because I feel like I have been drug through the trenches over the past few months and I had been feeling cruddy about gaining some weight back, and some more insensitive comments some people had mentioned to me. I am still working on it though and earlier this week I weighed in at 148 so I was happy to see that.  I have no idea what my weight will be tomorrow morning.  I would be happy if it was somewhere in the 148 range.  Two days ago we had Chinese food for lunch and I ordered the "Happy Family" which is seafood and stir fried, but I also had an egg roll and fried rice, so I am not sure how that will impact my weight.  I guess we will find out tomorrow. 

Lastly, I checked out a book about vegetables for Lily to read at the library hoping that she would get excited about eating some healthier food and when we got to the radishes I remembered that we had planted radishes at the beginning of the season, now that we are headed into winter we should probably pick them so Lily and I ran outside to pick our radishes.  Some of them looked nice, but most were kind of stringy.  Nothing really grows in that planter, it doesn't have very good soil.  All our zucchini and beans were in the other planter and they did really well.

When we were done with that Lily made a bridge out of all the books

I think she has inherited some of her father's OCD tendencies.  She likes things to be in order and likes things to be a certain way.   

Friday, October 10, 2014

Hammond's Candies

I can't believe how busy the past few days have been.  I feel like I've hardly had time to breathe, let alone write a blog post.  On Wednesday we were headed up to the amusement park before it closed for the winter because we had some free tickets to go and this was the only day we could go.  Lily was so excited to go, and so was Chloe, but when we got there they were closed!  They were only open on the weekends in October, which was not what their website said when I had checked it.  The website said they were open through October 12th, so I was very unhappy.  Not as unhappy though as my kids, who proceeded to have a meltdown.  Understandable but still not desirable.  Matt and I had to strap the kids in the car and close the car doors so we could talk outside about what to do and be able to hear ourselves and think!  We were thinking about going to the Aquarium but it would have been $50 in entrance fees alone and we weren't planning on spending that kind of money that day.  After thinking of a few other options, children's museum, etc we decided to take a tour of a candy factory that wasn't far from where we were called Hammond's candies.  As we were driving over there Matt goes "I hope we aren't teaching the kids that to deal with disappointment they should eat some chocolate."  That really struck a chord with me.  We didn't originally intend to pair disappointment with candy, and we even tried to do several other things but everything is just so blasted expensive, and the tour was free.  It made me wonder how much of our emotional eating is learned behavior, passed down from our parents or modeled by society, and how much of our emotional eating is our own issues.  I want to instill good eating behaviors in my kids and teach them proper ways to deal with stress, and other emotional issues that come up through life.

We did end up having a good time on the tour, and the kids loved picking out a chocolate and seeing the hard candies being made. but it didn't quite cover the disaster that happened at the amusement park.  Matt and I had a good time because there was a really enthusiastic employer and we are both like "that has to be the skinniest person to ever work at a candy factory.  He was pretty funny though because he just comes up to Matt and says "you look like someone who likes carrot cake.  Am I right?  Here try some of this carrot cake fudge."  He was super skinny and had a rat tail, I guess you had to be there to fully appreciate it.  But while I was looking around the candy store with the kids he just comes up to me (before he was talking to Matt) and pulls a chocolate off the shelf and says "I have something you will like" and it's a chocolate bar called "Pigs and Taters" and it has bacon and potato chips in the chocolate.  I'm thinking: "Gross!"  and I'm just starring dumbfounded at this guy and he says "I can do you one better" and hands me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich flavored chocolate and I'm thinking "weird" and then he says "follow me, I have something right up your alley"  and takes me over to another chocolate stand hands me a candy bar that says "raspberry crackle candy".  It's got pop rocks in it!  I just burst out laughing because the whole thing is so rediculous, and he is going off about how his future inlaws love that candy and it's a best seller.  Anyway, it was hilarious and Matt and I laughed about the whole thing for a good long while afterwards.  For the reccord, I ended up not eating any candy,  I'm still going strong on my resolution to not eat any more desserts and candy and I feel better.  I've been sick this past week so it's really hard to tell exactly how it is affecting me.  Anyway, after the tour the kids got some free hard candy which they both enjoyed.  I'm thinking we should have given Chloe the sucker since the candy stick was rather messy.

After the candy factory we ate lunch at a park, the kids didn't eat anything and just played on the playground.  It was a really old playground and we found the craziest swing there.  I've never seen anything like it before. 
By the time we left Chloe was falling asleep in that swing and she didn't last long in the car for the drive home.  I tried to teach Lily that although we get disappointed sometimes we can find something good about the situation, so she has been saying "the water park was closed but we got to go to the candy factory".

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Finding Peace

I have finally been able to make peace with the whole diet mentality.  As you probably know I have been really struggling the last few months with the whole idea of being "on a diet" or "off plan" or "on plan".  It's the whole all or nothing mentality, and it led to some really bad eating behaviors for me.  It led to binge eating where I would be really good for about 5 days and then binge for 1-2 days, and the worst being when I was good for 2-3 weeks and then I would have a week long binge or something crazy that would undo all my hard work.  I also had so many days of "eating because you ate" where I would have just a few cookies or a piece of cake or some candy and then think "well, I blew it so I might as well just go all out and make the most of this day and start all over tomorrow."  But that thinking is flawed and so wrong!  Everything you eat counts.  If you think that way, suddenly your 350 calorie piece of cake turns into a 3,000 binge for the rest of the day.  Then you have to spend the next several days working that off and of course you never know what to do with yourself afterwards.  Do you under eat to make up for it? (often leading to another binge) Do you exercise like crazy to try and make up for it? (not very practical).  And then the cycle continues.  I believe I have FINALLY been able to break out of this cycle.  Only time will tell, but I feel like I am finally at peace mentally with myself.  Right now I am focusing on making the healthiest choices I can.  I realize that before I was asking myself the wrong questions, I was asking "what do I really really want" and inevitably that was something sweet.  Instead I now ask "what will make me feel good?  What will give me the energy to get through my workouts and give me energy to play with the kids?  What is the best for my body?"  I have been working on self love and self acceptance and I have finally been able to make some breakthroughs.  I don't tell myself that I'm fat and lazy and disgusting, and unworthy now.  Now I talk to myself and to my body parts with respect.  For example I did my very first full spin class on Monday and instead of telling myself that I was fat and couldn't do it and what was I thinking for even trying and that I looked stupid with my fat thighs on the bike (all of which I would have told myself three months ago) I told myself "ok legs, this is for you, you can do this, this is going to make you strong so we can be more active with the kids and we can be stronger, lets do it!  We deserve to be strong and healthy, we are worth the effort so lets get it done!"  Oh and by the way, I look totally AWESOME on a spin bike ;-)  The instructor even said I was cute in my Zumba shirt.(instructor was female so it was okay for her to say that haha ;-) 
I liked this picture because she looks healthy whereas in a lot of the other pictures the models looked skinny:  Source

I feel better emotionally now than I did two months ago when I was 143.  Even though I am up again hovering near 150.  I have stopped my weight gain binge that I was on, and I have started to get a good workout groove going.  I know that I am going to be going to spin class monday morning followed by some running for my triathlon conditioning (I'm not going to start really training for it until maybe January).  Tuesday is still up in the air.  Today I lifted weights.  At the gym there is a spin class, yoga class, and a zumba toning class.  I am going to try the yoga class as I think that would be really great to add to my routine.  Wednesday is swimming and Zumba, Thursday is weight lifting, Friday is swimming and Zumba and Saturday is weight lifting.  I'm doing Chalean Extreme at home again for my weight lifting since I don't really know what I am doing at the gym with the weights.  I would like to find a weight lifting program I can do at the gym that does not involve dumbbells since I can do that at home.  I feel like I am finding my groove, finding a lifestyle, and figuring this out.  I still have plenty of room for progress and improvement.  I still want to lose a good chunk of my remaining body fat.  One step at a time.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sunday Weigh In

Today was pretty busy, and we spent the majority of the day over at my parent's house.  I didn't eat poorly, but I ate too much, particularly wheat.  My mom had bought crescent rolls which I never buy and I ate three of them today.  Not the best idea.  Then I ate pasta for dinner.  I've been thinking about gluten a lot over the past several months because my mom is allergic to it, and so is my Aunt Cindy and so is their mom, my Grandma.  So my family has a history of gluten sensitivity.  I am not sure if anyone has been diagnosed outright with Celiac disease, but many members on my mom's side have a food allergy to it.  Now I feel really sick and I am not sure it it is because I just ate too much or if it is because I ate so much gluten, but I can tell you one thing.  I am so tired of feeling sick and cruddy all the time.  I am so over this.  I am ready to do what it takes to not feel sick to my stomach every day.  I'm not going gluten free quite yet, but I think it would be a good idea to limit my intake of gluten just in case and see how I feel.  Maybe not eat gluten some days and eat more on others and see if that one particular thing makes me feel more sick.  It's hard to say today since I also had a fair amount of Diet Pepsi and overate.  But just overeating shouldn't make me feel like this.  I didn't even overeat any particularly "unhealthy" food.  Anyway, I'm done with this.  I'm getting off Soda Pop, it's just money down the drain and I know I need to be drinking more water.  I'm going to get off all the processed food and junk that I eat and make sure I eat more vegetables.  I bought some new cookbooks and I am excited to try the recipes in them.  I bought the kindle versions of the cooking light crock pot recipes and cooking light yearly favorites.  I am so tired of feeling bloated and lethargic and sick at night.  I am going to figure this out. 

I'm going to keep this handy and make sure I have these things on hand for snacks and easy meals: source
One thing I have got to try is the mashed cauliflower.  It's supposed to taste a lot like mashed potatoes... but it's pure vegetables! 

Anyway, I'm sure you are all dying to know what I weighed in at this week.  First I want to note my non scale victories and improvements. 1. I did a spin class this week!  I am excited to do more spin classes because it totally blasted my butt and thighs and that is where I carry a lot of my weight, so I know it is going to be excellent to mix up my normal routine and start training in the spin classes.  (Even though my butt currently hurts from sitting on the bike for only 20 minutes..... I haven't been on a bike in over 6 years).  2. I am 100% dedicated to sticking with my no more sweets decision.  If I had added sugar into the mix for what I ate today I would probably be puking in the toilet right now. 

And now onto my weight: 149.8

I am up a bit this week but I know that I binged on Thursday and on Friday we ate Pho at the Vietnamese restaurant, and whenever we eat Pho I am always up 2 pounds for the next two days because of the sodium in the broth.  Also, it's that time of the month.  So I'm not really worried about being one pound up from last week.  This is a new week, and I'm ready to start being the best I can be. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

New Facebook Group!

I am super excited to announce today that I started a Facebook Group today for everyone who is interested in joining together for inspiration and motivation.  If you would like to be a part of a group for accountability, motivation, inspiration, community, and fun then you should join.  Just search facebook for Modestly Slim and you should find the group I created, or to make things easier just click HERE and you should be directed to the group page.  It is a close group so you cannot see the posts unless you join.  This is to protect the members of the group since some people may choose to post some more sensitive information and I want to respect everyone's opinions.  This is a great way to connect with me and others on Facebook and to really get involved! 

My group page!

Today I want to update you on my sugar free goings on over the past few days.  I thought that I would feel nervous, frightened, or maybe even upset.  What I didn't expect to feel is relief.  But that is the feeling that I have been having over the past two days.  I am so relieved that there is an entire food group: sugar, that I no longer have to worry about.  I used to worry about whether or not to buy candy in the checkout line, complaining that I never got to our couldn't.  Always avoiding the candy isle because that was the forbidden isle.  I would be all consumed in eating desserts, getting as much as I could and wondering when the next time I would get something sweet would be.  Wondering if I should order dessert with my meal, or get an ice cream at the mall, feel deprived if I didn't and feel guilty if I did.  I would worry about not being able to stop eating, worry at social events that I would look like a pig because I was eating too much.  Never feeling like I had enough until it was too late and I had eaten too much and my stomach ached.  Sugar was always involved during a binge, and eating sugar just made me want to eat more sugar and eat more unhealthy food.  Whenever I ate it I never wanted to eat anything healthy the rest of the day, it was a really weird feeling and definitely not conducive to a healthy lifestyle.  Now I just don't have to worry about any of that anymore because I simply will just say no, I am not eating those foods any longer.  I don't need to worry about it any more, those foods can't hold any power over me any longer.  I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe again. 

Today when my husband asked me to make him brownies, I didn't even want to eat the batter, I simply thought to myself "that is one giant bowl of stomachache".  And I didn't even lick the spoon, spatula, or even a finger.  After they were baked there was a moment when I was getting my kids a piece where I thought I kind of wanted a piece.  But then I thought, if I eat one piece, I will want another, and then another, and then another and soon I will be stuffed with brownies and feel sick all night.  After that, I didn't want any.  I found it surprisingly easy to say no to the brownies today.  I do not know if that will be true tomorrow, or a week from today.  I hope it is.  The way to make lasting change is to change from the inside out and I genuinely want to make this change.  For the first time, I genuinely want to give up sugar to feel better, look better, and be happier. 

Friday, October 3, 2014

Much Ado About Sugar

Sugar and desserts, and sweets have been on my mind a lot lately.  I was hoping that over the past few months I would be able to find a healthy relationship with desserts but over the past few days I have been very stressed because Lily has been stool holding again, which makes everyone miserable.  I have had a hard time controlling myself.  Whenever I binge it always involves sugar and desserts, and I have always had a hard time staying in control, staying aware of what I am doing, and it always seems like one piece or one serving is never enough.  Then I started thinking about how I feel when I eat sugar.  I created a pretty long list of things I feel when I eat sugar:
  • Sick to my stomach
  • Lightheaded
  • Headache
  • Unmotivated
  • Tired
  • Lethargic
  • Out of control
  • Depressed
  • Angry with myself
  • Weak
  • Wanting to eat more unhealthy food
  • Wanting to eat more sugar
  • Wanting to skip workouts
  • Wanting to sleep
  • Avoiding the kids due to tiredness
Not a very positive list.  So after much thinking, I have decided to cut it out indefinitely.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  No exceptions, or cheat days.  I'm going to try to get food that doesn't have added sugar in it but that is not my primary focus.  My primary focus is all the sweet things I gravitate towards: cookies, cake, ice cream, brownies, pie, cobbler, candy.  I can't trust myself around these things.  They are hindering my progress, making me feel like crap, and I always binge on them.  About a year ago I did a 30 day experiment to see if I could give up sugar for that amount of time.  I called it "pulling my sweet tooth"  Obviously it didn't stick.  I realize now that I was doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.  Then I wanted to go off sweets so that I could lose weight.  Now I want to go off sweets so I can be healthier, mentally and physically and be a better person.  I'm not expecting it to be easy, I am hoping that it will get easier over time, but I do believe that it will be worth it.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Finding a reason

Since I have been re-evaluating my reasons for why I am doing everything, I have also been thinking about weight lifting.  I know it is something that I should do, but I never really liked weight lifting to begin with.  The reason I started weight lifting was because I had injured my foot and couldn't do cardio so it was weight training or nothing.  Now, that is not the case and I have to find a different motivation.  A lot of people weight train when they realize that the body they want comes from lifting weights.  That doesn't do it for me, I could be happy with just doing cardio.  There needs to be a good reason why we do the things we do and if we don't genuinely enjoy doing it, then there needs to be something that drives us.  We can white knuckle it for a while, but we can only hold out for so long.  Today I realized that my drive for doing weight training is because I like the results.  I like having a stronger body.  Having a stronger body makes my life easier.  It is easier to lift the kids, move around, run up and down the stairs, lift things, go places.  Having more muscle gives me more energy and makes me feel better and makes life better.  That is my new reason for doing weight training.  At the gym if you sign up for personal training within the first 7 days you get your enrollment fees waived.  I think I am going to sign up and have someone work on setting me up with a weight training circuit I can do at the gym.  I am going to do Chalean Extreme at home but it would be nice to be able to know what I am doing while at the gym so I could do a 30 minute strength training circuit there as well.

So I am off to go lift some weights, and I am super happy because tomorrow morning is 9:45 Zumba, and I couldn't be more excited!

That was the shirt I got from Beachbody after I finished Chalean Extreme the first time around.  Still waiting on my Turbo Fire shirt............