What Would You Do?

If you stopped expending so much energy, and mental thought on dieting, food, and thinking about how fat you are, and wondering how long it will take you to look the way you want to look.  Maybe it's just me, but for the better part of the past 15 years a good portion of my thoughts, time and energy has been spent on thinking about dieting, food, and wanting to look a certain way.  I am trying to change that.  I am trying very hard to stop thinking so much about when I will get to a certain weight and what I will do when I get there and how I will look and what clothes I will buy.  Tomorrow never comes and quite frankly I'm tired of wasting my time worrying about what I look like.  Worrying about food and what to eat and what not to eat and how much to eat and when to eat and when not to eat.  I want to get back to learning to trust my body, and then get on with my life.  I did so much today and while I did spend some of the day thinking about dieting (I started the Whole 30 challenge on the facebook group today) I also did a lot of other stuff.  I read books with the kids, played my flute, worked on the alphabet with Chloe, went shopping for a dress for Lily, and did my best not to think about the scale, my body image, and weight loss.  I did try on a dress today, and I loved it on the rack, I loved the way it felt and the fabric it was made of.  It looked terrible on me.  Too bad.  Move on, find a different style.  Finding styles that look good on me is a big challenge for me because I'm fashion deficient, but I'm working on it.  I find I do better shopping online (which has its drawbacks because you can't try it on) but when I am in the store I get so overwhelmed.

I am happy I am going to be doing another Whole 30, that is what really helps me listen to my body and what helps me start to overcome my bad habits.  I've been eating pretty junky the last several days so I am happy to get back to healthy eating that makes me feel good physically and mentally.

Trigger Foods

Wednesday I had popcorn for the first time since starting Whole 30 and on Thursday I was craving it like crazy, so I caved in and made popcorn and ate it again on Thursday.  I suppose there was just too much going on with the kids being sick and then me feeling sick, and not being able to stick to my exercise plans.  I've come to realize that I'm addicted to exercise now, I really like the feeling I get and I really enjoy doing it.  I have caught myself smiling like crazy in the middle of a workout for no reason.  And when I started trail running I will just start laughing at random times on the trail.  (Usually while running downhill).  Anyway, I wasn't able to exercise Wednesday or Thursday because I was so tired and feeling ill.  Turns out popcorn is a trigger food for me.  I ate a ton of popcorn (talk about a food with no breaks), but then that wasn't enough.  It wasn't enough just to eat the popcorn and feel satisfied.  Eating the popcorn left me wanting candy, cake, cookies, ice cream, brownies, raw sugar, something really sweet!  I didn't eat very well in the afternoon.  I had a slice of banana bread (giving into gluten) and I had a handful of m&ms (giving into sugar) and some other random snack food.  I wasn't too happy about falling off the wagon but at least now I know that if I am going to eat popcorn I should expect a severe craving for sugar to go along with it.  I guess it's that sweet and salty flavor.  Also I know that I really have no reactions to gluten.  Sure I was more bloated last night than usual but considering all the crap I ate it wasn't too bad.  I cooked up some eggs and had leftover potatoes for dinner since I really didn't want to cook, I was feeling really tired and kind of awful.  I was surprised I didn't puke in the middle of the night, so that was a plus.  Maybe it was because I ate some real healthy food afterwards.  Most of the time when I used to do that I would skip dinner and then my stomach would hurt something awful and many times I would puke around 2am.

Well, today was much much better.  I was feeling a little better so I did Fire 45, although I only made it about halfway through the workout and then after that I was kind of just going through the motions.  I was so exhausted afterwards I think if I had lied down I would have fallen asleep in a few seconds.  Matt finished the banana bread today and I was feeling rather sick to my stomach all morning.  I ate a light breakfast and then around 10:30 started cooking.  I made chocolate zucchini bread to replace the banana bread, that was sooooo hard to stay out of.  I wanted to eat the batter and the bread so badly but I was able to stick to my healthy eating plan.  I really wanted to get right back on track today and not turn this into a three day carb-a-palooza.  I didn't want to fall off the wagon and end right back where I was before I started Whole 30, and I was able to hold on and get through making that chocolate zucchini bread without even tasting it.  I knew that if I so much as tasted it, I would lose the battle and it would be a free for all.

After that I made a giant pot of onion and chicken soup followed by coconut cauliflower rice, and then for dinner I made Shepherd's pie.  So I made up for my no cooking the last few days.  I also went to the grocery store to pick up a few things we need for next week's meals.  I think I bought too many vegetables at Costco, the green beans and asparagus are starting to rot :-(  With everyone being sick, we just didn't eat them fast enough.

It was a busy day, a lot of time spent in the kitchen, but I'm glad I was able to stay on track and eat well today.

Changing what you want to eat

I'm doing a group whole 30 challenge on my facebook page so if you would like to join and change the way you eat, get healthier, and lose some weight I would love to have you join us!

Both the kids are still sick.  They are both coughing pretty bad.  On top of that I'm a little sick.  My throat hurts, and my nose is all stuffed up.  I am glad however that today I didn't wake up any worse than yesterday so I don't think that this is going to be as bad as my cold last month.  I'm really sore which I expected from doing Turbo Fire, but I didn't expect to get sick.  I didn't do Turbo Fire yesterday as I was so tired and didn't feel good.

I have been thinking this week about eating and changing your eating habits and diet trends.  I've realized that one of the big diet fads that is going around right now is the whole "Eat what you want" theme.  A lot of intuitive eating plans tell you to just eat what you want, and also Weight Watchers you can eat whatever you want as long as you track it, and with calorie counting you can eat what you want as long as you track it.  But I have found that doesn't work for me.  When I eat what I want, I keep wanting to eat those less healthy foods.  There is a reason why I gained so much weight and it was from eating what I wanted to eat, which was not healthy food.  Eating less of the non healthy food is a good start, but it it is just a start. If you really want to have permanent and long lasting weight loss you have to change what you eat.  Every long term maintainer I have looked at you see this pattern.  They start out somewhere, usually tracking and counting points or calories, but then they make a switch somewhere, usually gradually they start eating less and less unhealthy foods and more and more healthy foods and it takes a effort.  For me, I had to cut out all the junk I had been eating in order to stop wanting to eat those foods.  I didn't just go from wanting to eat pancakes and pizza to wanting to eat kale and fish.  For me I had to cut those things from my diet completely to stop craving them.  Now I have no desire at all to eat pancakes and pizza, but I do crave kale and fish.  When you change what you eat and strengthen your desire for healthy food you weaken your desire for less healthy food which is what changes your desires and changes your cravings and it is the only way the "eat what you want" motto works.  When you want to eat meat and vegetables then sure, eat what you want is great, but when what you want is popcorn and cookies, eating what you want either leads you to way overeat your calories or points which then causes a whole host of new problems like negative self thoughts, binging, "getting back on track tomorrow and eating everything I want today" mentality.  Or it leads you to be super hungry because you spent all your points/calories for the day on two slices of pizza at lunch and now you only have 50 calories left for the rest of the day.

Now I'm not saying you can't ever have those things, but it should be every once in a while, maybe for special occasions, and only you can decide what warrants a special occasion.  But every day isn't a special occasion and for me when I'm trying to kick the habit, I'm just saying no plain and simple.  Yes I will miss out on a few occasions but it there will always be more pizza, there will always be more cookies.  The world isn't running out of sugar and it will be there when I feel I am ready to add it back in sparingly.

I don't know if that makes any sense to all of you, Hopefully it resonates with someone.  Those are my thoughts over the past few days for what it's worth.

I hope to see you join in the challenge on the facebook page!

Quick Check In

This is just a quick check in.  Lily now has Croup which is a major bummer so she was home sick all day yesterday and today.  We missed dance class tonight, she was sleeping and I wouldn't have taken her anyway.  (No need to infect the whole class right?)  This morning I was 146.8, which is .2 pounds up from last week but my body fat percentage was down from 30 to 29.8 and my muscle mass increased from 55 pounds to 56.4 pounds!  So I am perfectly happy if I have switched a pound and a half of fat for a pound and a half of muscle.  No difference on the scale but there is a difference in the way my body looks and feels.  I'm not going to weigh myself for two weeks now.  I'm getting too obsessed over the scale again.  So taking two weeks off.

I did Turbo Fire today: Fire 45 and felt great!  There is a huge difference between doing TF at 155 pounds and 145ish pounds.  I can move much faster and keep up the intensity a lot longer.  It felt great to move around today.  I put the kids down for a nap right before I started and they slept for about three hours, which was some really nice down time for me.  Since I am going to be home all week and can't go to the gym again I'm going to to TF all week long.  Tomorrow I'm going to do the HIIT 15 and and then Fire 30 on Wednesday and HIIT 20 Thursday and Fire 45 Friday and probably Fire 30 on Saturday.  If the kids are feeling up to it I would like to go on a trial run with my dad sometime this week.

I'm also going back to the basic Whole 30 for the next two weeks, not adding anything in, although probably relaxing the no added sugar rule a little bit.  Today I have not been hungry at all.  I ate a lot less than I usually do and I think I need to get back to listening to my body.  Eating all the "power food" on race day messed me up a little bit.  I had a power bar, and some trail mix and about half a Gatorade.  Sunday I had a lot of cravings for junk food, but I was able to hold it together.  Today I haven't been hungry even with my TF workout.  So the next two weeks it's back to really paying attention to my body and how much it tells me it wants to eat (which is challenging when you want to eat junk food but not the good food like veggies and meat so the goal then is to not eat the junk food and realize you really aren't hungry anyway).  In two weeks if I'm lucky I will hopefully be at 145 and once again in my healthy weight range.

Race Day

After months of working to get ready for a triathlon it's finally here!  Today was race day.  I had my alarm set for 4:45 in the morning and I was all kinds of nervous.  I didn't sleep well last night because I was so anxious.  Around 4:30 I heard Lily wake up and go to the bathroom and then go back to bed.  I knew it had to be getting close to the time my alarm went off and I couldn't resist getting up to look at the clock.  It was 4:35 when I got out of bed, so I just decided to get up and start going, which turned out to be a good thing.  I needed the extra time.  I made a breakfast of three scrambled eggs, leftover hash browns, a banana and some almond butter.  I made Matt breakfast too.  I was pretty full after breakfast but I knew I wouldn't be racing for several more hours and I was going to need the energy.  I had already packed food and stuff for the kids the previous night so I got the kids up at 5:15 and off we went.  Of course neither of them went back to sleep during the two hour drive up into the mountains to the racing site at Buffalo Creek.

We arrived and were able to park super close, checked in with no problems and got our numbers written on our arms and an R on our right leg to say we are in a relay.  We picked up our racing packet and our gift bag which had a shirt, and some promo items like a power bar, cliffe bar, and some energy gels.  I wasn't really planning on eating any of it since I was going to have a two hour break between events.  My in-laws arrived about 20 minutes before the race was to start and I got into my wet suit.  My heart was all butterflies by this time.

The color of our swim cap designated which wave we were racing in.  Mine was red and that meant I was in the first wave.  I was really nervous about that, but there wasn't much I could do about it.  We were allowed to do some warming up in the water which was good because the water was pretty cold and putting my face in the water took my breath away and I was gasping for air after just a few strokes.  In the picture above we are at the race start listening to the pre race speech.  At 8:15 I lined up waist deep in water and we were off!  The adrenaline in my system was enough that I kept pace with everyone until the first buoy when I couldn't breath anymore.  My heart was racing too fast, and I was thinking "oh crap".  So I had to do a few breast strokes and let my heart rate and breathing slow down and then find a better pace because that was just way too fast out of the gate.  My goal time for the swim was 45 minutes.  I had no way to know how long I was out there.  All I knew was that the waves were being started 3 minutes apart and that I was behind most of my wave and that about half way down the first side the people from the next wave started passing me.  I did pretty well sighting.  I had to breath every other stroke instead of every three strokes.  The air was thinner and I was not used to the constriction of the wet suit.  I made it down with no further incidents and rounded the corner.  About half way back I started getting passed by the green caps which were the third wave.  So I'm trying to mentally calm myself down saying it's ok, the important thing is to finish, it doesn't matter that I'm getting passed by people who started six minutes after I did.  And I kept swimming, and swimming, and counting buoys and trying not to die from lack of oxygen.  I had my eye on someone with a red cap that was swimming fairly close to me the whole time and tried not to let them pass me.  When I was getting close I powered my way to the end and burst out of the water as fast as I could (I probably touched down a little too early as I was still pretty far under the water and couldn't walk very fast).

  I ran out of the water and picked up my sandals which I had left nearby when I went into the water for my warm up swim.  It was weird trying to get out of the water and go run because I couldn't find my feet under me!  I kept tripping and when I bent down to pick up my sandals I almost did a summer salt.

That's me picking up my sandals that were on the side and then running back to the tarp to go into transition.  I met Matt in transition and gave him the timing chip and off he went on the 22 mile bike ride (The longest bike ride of any triathlon in the nation, making this triathlon the longest triathlon in the nation.  Crazy!  Glad I wasn't doing it).  I was shaking so much from adrenaline after Matt left and when I saw my father in law I just burst into a huge grin and gave him a big hug.  He said I did awesome.  I wasn't sure of my time exactly but I looked at the clock and it was 8:55, that was about 5 minutes after I got out of the water and so I figured I swam it in 35 minutes which was awesome!!!  I was so stoked that I swam that fast!  It also made sense that I was so out of breath lol.

While I waited for Matt to bike (we figured it would take him 2 hours since that was the time he did it in two years ago) I ate some carrots and almond butter, and a peach.  The kids played in the water and had a good time.

Until they got cold and tired

Just before 2 hours after Matt left on the bike we went over to the transition area and I waited for him with the kids.  Lily took off up the running path and I had a heart attack trying to find her.  Thankfully another woman said she had seen a red headed kid go up the trail and I went running after her.  I had to yell at her several times before she would turn around and come back.  That girl is FAST and who knows how long it would have taken me to catch her if she hadn't turned around.  I was really upset she ran off like that, but super thankful I was able to find her.  Then we waited in transition (by the fence because the kids weren't allowed in transition) for another 20 minutes waiting for Matt to come in.  He had a really bad leg cramp coming up the last really big hill and that slowed him down a bunch.  Poor guy.  He finally rolled into transition and at least he was in one piece and I got the timing chip and ran off.  I was so ready to get rid of the kids by that point!  I went up the trail and was just having a great time.  The two trail runs I did really helped prepare me because the first part was a trail run and the second half was running on a dirt road.  I loved the first part the best even though the first part was more hilly.  Everyone was talking about the really steep hill at the beginning but I hardly noticed it.  I guess that is a bonus for me living where I do, there are tons of steep hills around that I've been running up and that hill was nothing compared to some of the hills I've trained on.  Once I got to the top of the hill I was just flying down the trail!  I felt so good and so happy and just felt awesome.  I passed a few people on the run, mostly men who had gotten leg cramps.  One of the guys in front of me fell flat on his face.  I stopped for a few moments to make sure he was okay and he said he just had a leg cramp and that I should keep going.  The second guy I passed who had a leg cramp said the same thing.  Both guys were doing the whole race although with Matt also getting leg cramps it made me wonder what was up with the men today.  I loved the first half of the run, it was through the trees and a good trail run.  The second half was on a dirt road and that was less fun.  At least the last two miles were entirely downhill haha!  That was a bonus.  I grabbed a little water at each water station which was perfect to wet my mouth but not an overkill.  I did have a bug fly in my mouth, that was gross.  I felt really good the whole way and ran through the finish line!  My goal for the run was 1 hour for the 5 miles.

I felt so good and so happy and so proud of myself.  I had just run 5 miles!  Not walk, not shuffle, but I actually ran the whole way!  And I didn't feel like I wanted to puke afterwards.  I remember in highschool after the 5k races I would dry heave for a while. (and that was only 3.1 miles)  This was a totally different feeling.  Maybe it's because I've been training harder, maybe it's because I have a better mental attitude, maybe it's because I've cleaned up my diet, whatever it is, I felt great.  It was a feeling I haven't experienced before, just an overwhelming happiness that I finished and I did the best I could.  All my training paid off and my body just felt good.  In that moment my weight didn't matter.  In that moment all was right with the world.  But there was one more surprise in store for me.  We went over to the score board to see our official results (they break down your time by each event and how much time you spent in transition).  My official swim was 33 minutes 41 seconds!  Wow!  So much faster than my goal time.  I blew that time out of the water! (pun intended hahahahahaha) Then I saw my run time: 49:09!!!!!!  Holy Crap!  I knew I was doing well but I didn't think I was doing THAT well!!  That is under a 10 minute mile!  I saw that time and could hardly believe it.  Everyone was impressed with how well I did.  I was impressed with how well I did.  I was amazed.

It was the best race EVER and a really great day and a really great experience. I'm glad I was able to do something like this with my husband.

We left pretty quickly after we finished.  The kids were spent.  They fell asleep in the car in about five minutes.  While we were driving down we saw some people who still hadn't finished the bike course and I was just glad that wasn't me.  My fears of coming in dead last were unwarranted.  I even finished the swim with a great time.  There were a lot of people who came in after me.  My training had paid off and I was feeling really good.  Matt said to me on the way home that he was really impressed and that he never thought I would be doing triathlons.  He said he remembered when we first started dating that I would expire pretty quickly if I had to exert any physical effort like when we went on hikes and when we went biking.  I remember that and he is right.  That was during my weight gaining years and I became less and less active over the years.  Then he says "and now you're a beast!"  haha.  He makes me smile.

I'm grateful that I was able to complete this today.  I'm grateful for my body and for my health, and that I was able to feel so good today despite lack of sleep.  It gives me a much more positive outlook on the future.

My body doesn't like....

Yesterday I added back in some things for the first time that made me feel not so good.  I had the idea to buy some beef jerky and use it for my after workout snacks as a protein source.  Or to use it when packing a lunch for an easily portable and non perishable protein source.  I tried some yesterday after my workout and from about 2pm-8pm my stomach hurt.  I just felt queasy.  It wasn't a huge thing, and I wasn't crippled over with pain, I just didn't feel good.  Well, that is not what I want, so I guess my body just doesn't like beef jerky, or at least not that kind.  I like the kind I bought because it's gluten free.   A lot of jerkys have gluten in them via seasoning.  Well, I will just pack up the remaining beef jerky in Matt's lunches and I will have to continue my search for an ultra portable and non perishable protein source.  I'm going to look at some of the Whole 30 approved bars like the Rx bar and the bison bar.

The other thing I added in yesterday that I discovered I don't want is Diet Pepsi.  Say What!  I opened up a bottle and was excited to try my treat and I could only take about three sips.  It just tasted gross.  I wanted to like it but I found I couldn't drink it.  So I dumped it down the drain and drank some water.  Crazy how much my taste and my likes have changed in just the past month and a half.  When you are eating clean, and eating well you really notice when your body doesn't like something.  Which is something I have never been able to notice or feel before.  I have never really been able to link how I feel to a specific food I ate until now.

Speaking of taste buds changing, last night I made some great pan fried cod with dijon mustard seasoning (usually I don't like dijon mustard seasoning but I thought it would be good with fish) and it was great!  I also made up some kale and asparagus.  I loved loved loved it.  I don't think I have ever been so happy eating vegetables.

This morning I got all the soda stream stuff down from high up on top of the cabinets that I got from my friend last year (she was getting rid of it, so it's used).   I was thinking I would put some water in the fridge and then carbonate it and put some lemon or lime in it as a cold bubbly drink.  I was looking at all the bottles and they expired in 2013!  So I ordered some new ones on Amazon today.  I wanted to get the glass bottles but they were way too expensive and they were very small.  The normal soda stream bottle size is 1 liter (the plastic ones last two years) and the glass bottle size is 24 oz.  And they were about three times as expensive.  So I just bought the plastic ones.  I will have to get glass later as it's too expensive right now.  I also dumped out all the soda making bottles I had.  They all came from my friend and we haven't used any of them for a good 6-9 months and I knew that I wasn't going to be using them anytime soon now.  So I got them down to dump out and checked the exp date and they expired in 2011!  Haha!  I guess it's a good thing we never really used them.  I think we tried them once when I first got it and they have been sitting up on top of the cabinets ever since.  I have no interest in making soda, but I do think that it will be nice to have a cold bubbly beverage on hand for the afternoon when things get hot and I want to have a cold drink.

Chloe is still sick, she is doing better now, but didn't sleep too well last night.  She kept coughing.  Her cough isn't as raspy but it is more prevalent.  I guess I will start using the oils on her again to try and give her some relief.  Poor girl.

My race is on Saturday!  I was talking to my brother and saying how I hope they have participation medals for everyone as a lot of races usually have medals, but last year when Matt and my father in law did this race they got beer glasses.  That would be so sad, I would be so bummed.  I don't drink alcohol at all and so getting a beer glass as a reward for my accomplishments would be a huge downer.  I really want a medal I can hang on the wall next to my weight loss photos.  I'm thinking of getting a quark board or something to document my journey and to see what I have done and how far I have come.

Learning to listen to my body

So I couldn't resist the temptation to weigh myself today.  It has been one week since I last weighed myself and I figured that was long enough and I really wanted to know where I was.  So I gave in and I was 146.6!  That's down .6 pounds and I definitely ate a lot more this last week than previous weeks.  I'm super happy about that.  I can't hardly believe that I'm not counting calories and I am still losing weight.

I have been thinking a lot about learning to listen to my body.  I'm trying to tune in more with my body's signals and do what my body tells me I need to do.  I'm learning to trust my body for the first time.  Not only with food, but with exercise too.  I'm learning to let my body go at the pace it wants to go and I'm learning when I can and should push myself and when I should pull back.  It's a long process and I'm just at the very beginning of it, but at least I have started and I feel like I can actually tune in now whereas before I never listened to my body.  I'm sure my hormonal signals were all messed up too from my food.  Today I went on a 4.6 mile run.  It was the same trail I did with my brother last week and I totally rocked it!  I was flying down the hills and going pretty fast.  At some parts my brain thought I was going too fast, but my body felt good.  So I listened to my body and let it do what it wanted.  I wasn't timing myself, and I wish I had started my running app so I know how fast I was going but oh well.  I just had an awesome time running.  I'm not even sure my pace was at a 10 minute mile yet but I felt good and was so happy to be running!  It was very weird to be so happy running.  Usually I hate running, but this run was different.  I just felt so alive.  It was by far the best run I've ever had.  Maybe I just had to tough it out for six months and clean up my diet before I could really experience the benefits of running.

In the middle of my run

Croup

Last night was one of the most terrifying nights of my life.  If you've ever sat and listened to your 2 year old struggling to breath for 6 hours in the middle of the night then you will know what I'm talking about.  I was up with Chloe until 3:30 in the morning.  She had a high fever and I couldn't get it to come down.  Usually the children's Tylenol and Ibuprofen work wonders on her fevers, but last night she stayed hot all night.  I pulled the fan into her room, and I had a wet washcloth and was trying to get her cooled off.  Finally at 3:30 in the morning we went to rock in the rocking chair and she finally fell asleep.  I put her in my bed since it was much cooler in my bedroom than in her bedroom and grabbed some blankets and my body pillow and fell asleep on the floor around 4am.  I got roughly 4 hours of sleep and Chloe was freaking out when she woke up.  I took her to the urgent care center because I was so freaked out.  She is fine.  She has Croup which is a virus but it isn't deadly and it's pretty common.  The wheezing usually lasts 3-4 days so we should be on the back side of it, maybe one more day.  She was given a steroid which is the only medicine they have to treat Croup which they said doesn't necessarily make it better, but makes sure it doesn't get worse.  They tested her for strep too, but that was negative.  They said the best thing to do is keep her cool, and put a humidifier in her room, to keep her in an Air Conditioned room.  That makes sense with why she deteriorated so much last night.  The kids rooms are pretty warm in the summer.  The AC doesn't work well on the second floor and they don't sleep if the windows are open.  Often it doesn't cool off anyway until the early morning so opening the windows is no good until about 2am.  So when I kept her in her room, it aggravated her Croup and when it finally cooled off and we went into my bedroom (we keep the window open all night) she did much better in the cooler air.  They also said that Croup is usually a winter sickness.  Now that I have been given peace of mind I just have to wait for the bill and hope it isn't too high.  When Lily went to the ER to get a staple in her head it cost $700.  Let's hope that treating croup at the urgent care center is much cheaper.  If it had been a regular week day I could have taken her to the doctor and paid a $30 copay.  *sigh* Insurance stinks.

I didn't get breakfast before I rushed out the door this morning.  I grabbed a peach on my way out, but I wasn't too hungry.  I snacked on a couple nuts on the way home.  When I got home I cooked 2 eggs and heated up some vegetables.  It tasted great.  I ran out of pre cooked potatoes yesterday, but I really enjoyed the green beans and sugar snap peas that I had made a few days ago.  After breakfast we went upstairs and Chloe read the books while I played my flute.  I really love playing my flute.  I just asked Chloe every so often if she wanted me to play more or if I was done and if she said I should play more music for her I played more and when she said that she was done, I put my flute away.  I got to play for a good hour, maybe a little longer before Chloe said it was time to do something else.

The afternoon went by slowly, despite getting a two hour nap with Chloe.  I'm glad that Matt was able to play with Lily a bunch today, I'm glad he was home.  He is always home on Sunday so in a way that was good timing because I could focus on Chloe and he could play with Lily.  I grilled up some salmon with cauliflower and Brussels sprouts for dinner and made some cilantro lime rice.  The two things I want to introduce this week are rice and oats.  I don't expect to have any problems with either of them.  So tonight I thought rice would go better with fish than oats so that is what I added.

It was really good and Matt kept raving about how good it was, so that was awesome.  He has caught on that I'm making vegetables with every meal and tonight he asked what vegetables we are having with dinner.  This dinner was right up his alley: meat, rice and vegetables.  I also got to grill in the rain, so that was fun.  It was sprinkling a little, and it was much nicer than going out there in 90 degree weather to cook in the heat.  Much nicer.  I spent much of the evening (about 4:50-6:45) cooking, eating and cleaning.  Despite Matt being home all day I didn't get to spend any time with him.  That was pretty sad, I won't be able to do much with him until next weekend now.  In the morning I went to the urgent care and he went to church.  In the afternoon Chloe and I fell asleep which was much needed.  And when we woke up an hour later I was making dinner and Matt was watching the kids, and after dinner he went off to a Priesthood session at church.

Chloe is doing much better this evening, her fever is gone.  I think the medicine the doctor gave her helped a lot because there was a definite improvement throughout the day.  She still went to bed early, around 7:45 (very early considering she took a nap today) and I put the humidifier in her room.  Lily was a bit harder to get to bed.  She hasn't been getting much attention from me the past two days because of how sick Chloe has been, so I am going to make sure she gets some one on one time tomorrow.

It was hard not to emotionally eat today and I probably ended up eating too many nuts but eating a few too many nuts is much better than binging on chocolate.  Positive changes.

Freedom

I can't tell you how much I enjoy not having to count calories.  I almost can't believe that I am losing weight, and eating intuitively, and feeling so good!  I feel for the first time like I am finding a lifestyle, something that I can keep up for good, not just something that I will do for a little while and then stop once I hit a certain weight, but something that could make eating for life much easier, much more normal, and much more healthy.  I feel like I am actually working on my bad habits and overcoming them.  I'm getting better at not emotionally eating.  As I add more things into my life, there are other ways I can cope with stress.  I love playing my flute, doing nails, and I have really been enjoying BodyFlow which helps manage stress.  For the first time since I started losing weight, I am truly finding a new way of life.  It feels so liberating, so freeing.  The promise in the Whole 30 book that you will be able to find freedom from food is coming into being.  My sugar cravings are pretty much gone, I find it pretty easy these days to pass up desserts, and think of all the calories that saves me!  We went out to eat for my Grandma's 80th birthday last night and it was a buffet style dinner and I just passed the dessert table.  When I first got there I was hungry and I thought the desserts looked good.  After I had my fill of crab and salmon and prime rib, and pork, and shrimp and a super good Lobster Bisque I had absolutely no desire to check out the dessert table.  I didn't even want a piece of the chocolate birthday cake.  Matt said it was great, but I was feeling really good and I was in a happy place and didn't wish to mess that up.  I felt good, and happy with how much I ate and how I physically and mentally felt.  It felt good not to be drawn to the dessert table.  Several people in our party visited the dessert table several times and had birthday cake and I thought "That used to be me"  Before Whole 30 I would have eaten a few things off the buffet and then loaded up on desserts.  Instead I did the opposite.  I loaded up on protein (It was a seafood and prime rib buffet so there weren't too many vegetables) and some potatoes and this one tomato and cucumber and crab salad that was really good and after eating all that I was happy, I was content and felt absolutely no drive or cravings or desire for dessert.  It felt really good.

Last night I did add cream in.  I think I also got a hold of some gluten in the seasoning on the pork I ate but it wasn't very much gluten as I avoided the breads and crackers.  I also didn't eat any cheese although since I was doing dairy I suppose now I could have.  That thought didn't cross my mind then so I guess I didn't really care about eating the cheese.  There were too many other yummy things to eat, especially that lobster bisque I loved that.  Last night I didn't feel bloated from the dairy and I didn't really expect to have any reaction to it.  Actually I don't expect to have much of a reaction to any of the foods I'm adding back in, I've never noticed any food allergies, but I do feel so good now and I'm sure that it's from taking out all the processed foods and eating lots of vegetables and not drinking diet Pepsi or eating sugar.  I will be interested to analyze gluten and other grains.  My friend says that gluten makes her really bloated so she hasn't been eating it much even after reintroduction.

Last night Chloe woke up around 11pm and was sick.  I can't believe she is sick again.  I even put her on juice plus to stop her from getting sick, a lot of good that does I guess.  At least Lily is having regular bowel movements since she started juice plus, but so far that seems to be the only positive side effect since I got sick after I started taking it and now Chloe, and it isn't even winter!  Since the timing is of course optimal and I can't take Chloe to the doctor since it's the weekend I'm going to see if those essential oils help and if she is still really bad on Monday take her into the doctor.  She has some really nasty chest congestion but the only place I can take her is the ER or Urgent care and our insurance doesn't cover either of those.  Besides she isn't bad enough to need the ER or Urgent Care.  So for now she is getting a cocktail of essential oils (applied topically) and of course children's ibuprofen.  The recommended oils are melaleuca, on guard, frankincense, breathe, and eucalyptus applied to chest, back and the bottoms of feet.  Anyway, I only got 5 hours of sleep last night.

Yesterday I swam 2,000 yards (about 300 yards more than a mile) and my shoulders are sore today so when I was playing my flute it was hard to keep my flute up haha.  I had a good time playing today, I decided to work on just one song today the whole time instead of trying to work on a whole bunch of different pieces.  I think I'm going to spend a week or so just working on one song during my practice time.  I need to work on the three songs that I want to play next month.  There is a lot to work on, if i want to play once a month for my grandparents, and I want to do the Christmas recital with my siblings, it's just a lot to work up since my repertoire is non existent on account of not really playing much over the past 10 years.  I do think my tone is getting better but it usually seems that it doesn't get decent until after about an hour of practicing which does me no good because that is usually when I'm done playing.  Well, progress is progress.

Today was a big TV day for the kids since Chloe was sick.  I was supposed to go up to the lake today with my family.  My Dad's company had a big event for the employees and their families today and I was planning on going and having BBQ and letting the kids play in the water and having a great time.  But of course Chloe threw a wrench in that plan.  I'm super bummed I'm missing it, I've been planning on going for about a month.  Now I'm just praying I don't get sick because my race is in one week!  So I'm taking those Vitamin C packets twice a day until race day and hoping I don't get sick.

Aftermath

I am enjoying doing the slow roll reintroduction.  Tomorrow is my Grandma's 80th birthday and we are all going out to the country club to celebrate and instead of introducing something today, I have decided to introduce something tomorrow when we go out to eat.  That item I introduce will depend on what looks good when I get to the restaurant.  It's a prime rib and shrimp, lobster, crab buffet so it's possible that butter will be the thing I introduce.  I don't know yet, but I will let you know how it goes.

I am also glad that I can relax the no added sugar rule, not that I am eating products with added sugar like crazy, but it helps give me a larger variety of choices from my spice pantry as many of my rubs contain added sugar.  Today I used a spice on my Brussels sprouts called "Sweet Basil Rub" and that has some added sugar in it.  I don't think that eating a minuscule amount of sugar in your seasoning is going to do much harm.  And since I ate with with vegetables it didn't do anything to activate my sweet tooth.

Speaking of my sweet tooth, I am getting better and better at saying no and resisting and (dare I say it) not even wanting to eat sweets.  I made Chocolate chip cookies last night and I didn't care too much and wasn't tempted to eat them.  I'll tell you one thing, the recipe sure makes A LOT more cookies when I'm not eating the cookie dough.

This morning I went on my first trail run with my brother and it was awesome!  I really enjoyed it.  I loved running with him.  He slowed his pace and stayed with me the whole time (he likes to run marathons and run up mountains and stuff like that).  He is running a big race this weekend so he was taking it easy this week.  I'm going to have to do that trail run again before my triathlon race.  I told my brother about the tri that I'm doing and he thought it was awesome and wanted to do it with us, I told him if he could get out here then the running portion was all his!  Too bad he can't make it out next weekend. He heads back to Utah on Monday.

I still need to get in my 2000 yard swim this week so that is tomorrow.  I'm headed to Zumba and then I'm hitting the pool.  *sigh* How I HATE swimming laps.  Is there anything on this earth more boring than swimming laps?  At least on the treadmill you get to listen to music or watch TV, in the pool there is nothing.

Tonight I made a really good pork shoulder with butternut squash and Kale.  Lily actually liked the meat and the butternut squash.  Chloe was too tired to eat much. She didn't take a nap, which I definitely prefer because then she goes to bed at 7pm really easily and sleeps all night.  When she naps she is up until 10pm or later.

I had a lot of energy today, and I felt really good today.  I'm really enjoying the aftermath of the whole 30.  I feel better, I am more confident, I am happier, and I notice that I am ever so slightly starting to think less about food, weight, and body image.  I have had the energy to actually do things in the afternoon instead of sit around and try not to fall asleep.  I've been playing my flute and I've really been enjoying that.  The kids will usually read books or get their instruments out while I play.  Now that I'm not half dead for three hours in the middle of the day I'm suddenly a lot more productive.

I stopped by the Farmer's Market on the way home today and loaded up on some fresh veggies and fruit!  I got peaches, pears, tomatoes, and green beans.  Good thing too because I haven't been to the store in a while and we were running low on veggies and fruit.  We ate up all the green beans today, and I used the tomatoes for the dinner tonight.  Glad I bought them!  I've totally been lazy and haven't been to the store.  We still have plenty of food, even though we are starting to run low on some things.  But I really hate going to the store these days, so I'm postponing as long as I can.  We still have to eat up some more cauliflower and Brussels Sprouts and carrots in the fridge for vegetables and there is plenty of fish to grill in the freezer.  I can probably get by until Monday.  I just need to make sure we have enough vegetables to get us through the weekend.

Eating this way is a totally different way of thinking.  Before I wouldn't have cared if we had vegetables or not and now I can't live without them.  My body has really switched to a new way of eating and it likes it.  I like it, I'm plenty happy right now eating the way I am.  I am enjoying the slow roll out plan to reintroduction.

Aftermath

A little tired today from going to bed late last night after staying up to watch a movie on prime with my sister.  I'm also sore today from Zumba toning.  I am always sore in my legs after going to that class, especially if I haven't gone in a while.  This morning while Lily watched Blues Clues I practiced my flute.  It was a really enjoyable time because I am finally making some progress with the songs I have been playing, and I feel like several are starting to come together and there is one song I've been working on for years that I can now play better than I ever have before.  I am thrilled to be able to play through the sixteenth notes at a tempo of about 120.  I still have a lot of work to do on that song before I would feel confident playing it for someone but I am excited to be making progress and to feel like I'm making progress and not just floundering.

After flute practice I went to bodyflow, which is that yoga/Thai chi/ Pilates class.  I have only done that class three times and this was definitely the best time I've had.  I felt like I was able to transition between the moves a little better and that I was able to hold the positions better as well.  So I also feel like I have been making progress in my workouts as well.  Which is another good feeling to have because I have been feeling stagnant for a long time in that regard.

I did have a slight energy drop this afternoon but I'm not entirely sure if it is from sleep or from the beans yesterday.  I wouldn't be surprised if it was because of the beans, there was a lot of sugar in them.  So I think my previous assessment of that particular food is a good one: eat sparingly, not every day.  Today was back to pure Whole 30 so we will see how I feel tomorrow which is another day of pure Whole 30 before I add another food item in.  Technically I can add in non gluten containing grains Thursday if I wanted to, which I might do.  I really want to add back in rice some time, but we will see which food strikes my fancy and which food is available.  

Day 31: Results

Because that is what I know you really want to know.  It was what I really wanted to know.  I stepped on the scale this morning and the scale flashed: 147.2

My starting weight was about 153, meaning I lost 6 pounds this last month.  I was finally able to break through the plateau I've been in since I gained the weight back, start eating more steadily, and over the past week my afternoon crashes have disappeared.  I had really hoped to weigh 145 but I am happy with my results.  That is only two pound over my goal and three pounds lower than 150, which was about as low as I could get before.  And that was with starving myself and killing myself in the gym.  I have loved not needing to count calories.  I have loved not feeling hungry all the time.  It has been hard, but counting calories and sticking to a certain number is hard too.  There is freedom and limitations with each approach, but for me, only one leads to true freedom.  The need to eat processed foods and sugary foods is gone.  There is still temptation, and still times when I think I want to eat those foods, mostly when they are right in front of me.  But I don't seek them out.  I am perfectly happy making a home cooked meal, even if it is something as simple as heating up some sausages and putting some fresh vegetables and macadamia nuts on my plate.  I don't seek for opportunities to eat out like I used to.  I always wanted to eat out before, and that gets expensive.  Now I seek for reasons to eat at home.  I think as I reintroduce some more foods and learn how to navigate eating out better, I will enjoy eating out again, but for now I am going to stick to safe options.  Once I add rice back in the Korean restaurant will be great as they always have meat, vegetables, and rice.  That's pretty much all they eat.  There might be some sugar in their sauces but I would doubt it, Korean's don't like sugar, even their cakes taste terrible because they don't put nearly as much sugar in them as we do.  (We never ate Korean cake when we lived in Korea it was soooo bad).  There is also Chipotle which is a great place (get the burrito bowl or the salad).  And now that Noodles and Co. have those spinach bowls that is a great thing to get too.

Today started reintroduction and I opened up a can of baked beans for lunch.  There were more off plan ingredients than just the beans in the can but on day 31 the no added sugar rule is pretty much gone, not that you are eating sugar by the droves, but if you want to eat lunch meat that has sugar in it, or sausage or bacon cured in sugar it is okay.  So there was some sugar in my baked beans but I didn't worry about it.  I added the beans in and I felt just fine today.  I ate them for lunch and dinner and I didn't notice any energy drops, or gas problems.  My stomach didn't hurt and I feel just fine right now.  I now go back to the Whole 30 for two days to see if there are any long term effects from eating them.  For instance, if I notice tomorrow that I have no energy it is probably because of what I ate.  I haven't experienced any bloating or unpleasant side effects as of yet.  But I think it would be good to eat them sparingly because of the higher sugar content.  They make a good side for hamburger night.

Source

I did it

I made it.  30 days on Whole 30, no backing out.  It's the first goal health and weight loss goal I've set that I have accomplished in a long time and I am proud of myself.  I am happy that I was able to make it, to make a commitment and see it through.  Now, near the end of the program I am finally starting to feel more energized, and I am having more days where I don't crash in the afternoon.  It has taken what seems a very long time to get to this point.  30 days however is not very long in the grand scheme of things, but it can seem like forever when you are going through it.  I learned that it isn't that hard really to say no to people when they ask you if you want to eat certain foods, even if you have to decline a few times and tell them you really are sure you don't want any.  They aren't going to think any less of you 99% of the time.  Eating healthier really does make you feel better.  This past week my stomach aches finally went away, and my energy increased a bit.  I'm not sure if I would call it "magic" like they do in the books, but my diet was really out of control before I started the program, so I'm sure it has just taken longer for me.

My cravings, while not gone have lessened and I realized another thing: it doesn't matter how many times you give in, you will always want more.  Giving in will not lessen your desire for that food any less.  Eating everything in sight will not make you less likely to binge again.  No matter how much candy you eat or how many cookies or how much cake, you will always want more.  It might be a day later or a week later but cravings will always come.  You have to learn how to deal with cravings, you have to learn how to live around and navigate sweet foods without losing yourself to them.  They are everywhere in our society and if you give in every time something is offered or available... well there is a reason why I got so fat in the first place.  The only way for me to overcome my food addiction is to learn to live without it.  It was very hard, and I expect it will continue to be very hard for a long time.  20 years of eating habits don't just disappear in thirty days.  But through fighting those battles, I become stronger and slowly over time I know I will be able to navigate the food world a little easier.

So what happens now?  Now that my 30 days are up, I'm not planning on changing much.  I'm doing a slow roll reintroduction, I think tomorrow I'm going to add some baked beans to my lunch and dinner and see how my body handles that.  Then I go back to Whole 30 for two days, and on Thursday I can add something else from the legume section.  I'm thinking black beans or soy.  Doing a very slow reintroduction will help me evaluate each food I add back in separately as well as give me more time on Whole 30 practicing healthier eating, and growing stronger in my ability to say no to sweets and other carbs.  When you are happy with the way you feel and look, it is easier to eat a certain way.  Regardless of what the scale says tomorrow, tonight I feel good about myself.  Tonight I feel like I have made progress, tonight I feel like I have been losing weight and I think  I really do look thinner.  Tonight, I am filled with hope.

Source

Prime

Today I was getting some m&ms for the kids out of the big bag we keep in the pantry and when I opened it up I just wanted to stick my face in the bag and start eating. I still want to eat sweets and other foods that are bad for me, it's just a lot easier to say no to those foods when you aren't hungry. So often we go on diets and we cut out a lot of the foods we like and then we are starving all the time because we are only eating 1200 calories a day and eventually we crack. That is what I like about this program. You aren't hungry the whole time. Your physical hunger is satisfied, which makes the emotional hunger, while still difficult to deal with, much more manageable.

  This afternoon I really wanted to snack again. It's a bad habit that has proven very difficult to break. I wasn't very hungry but I still wanted to eat anyway. I knew we weren't going to be eating dinner until late so I snacked on some strawberries and dates and drank some water. Afterwards I couldn't eat any more I was pretty full, but I still had the urge to snack just out of habit. I busied myself with my kids to take my mind off food.

  When Matt came home from work we went on a hike. I brought Pippin with us and he was very happy to come along. He did pretty good considering he hasn't been out much. He pulled a lot on the leash but I'm sure he will get better with time. I'm really going to try to take him out more often now that the kids are older. I grilled up some hamburgers on our grill for the first time and they were pretty good. I didn't get them squished quite flat enough for my tastes so they were a little thick but still tasty. It's been hard to find good seasoning for my hamburgers and fish because the usual spice mixes I use pretty much all contain sugar. Now why do they do that? (probably because it makes them taste better). I used a sweet potato as a bun again, and this time Matt actually asked me about it in this way: "What Is THAT on your hamburger!" I had to smile a bit because this is the third time this month I've done it. The first two were at the beginning of the month. I simply told him it was a sweet potato and I read that you could make a sweet potato bun and then you don't have to get all the calories from a regular bun.

  I got my eyebrows waxed this morning at the mall and then let the kids play at the play area there. I haven't been to the mall on a Saturday in a very long time and I was surprised to see all the booths set up everywhere. They had a booth for a local radio station and they had a guy in a moose costume. The kids loved the moose, and I was able to spin the prize wheel. I ended up winning a $25 gift card to the mall! How cool is that?! Then as we were walking to the play area I totally had an impulse buy

 How cute is that!  They were headband with giant bows.  I really liked the purple one but the kids both wanted pink.  The purple one was super cute, it looked like a sunburst, but Pink is in so that is what the kids got.  I also bought them a cute little pink basket, I figured it could help organize some of the toys in their rooms.  I found them at one of the little kiosks in the middle of the isle so they were pretty cheap (easy on the budget is always good for an impulse buy). 

Speaking of impulse buying I accidentally signed up for Amazon Prime the other day.  I was buying an external DVD drive for my new computer and I even bought a protective case to go with it so I could get the free shipping.  And of course they never have the free shipping automatically selected, you have to go in and select the free super saver shipping.  Well it was late at night and as I was searching for the box to select my shipping speed I saw these words "Free Shipping" and I clicked on it.  Then a box popped up that said "Are you sure...." and I said yes.  Next thing I know a box says "Thanks for trying Amazon Prime!  Your 30 day free trial has started".  Well that is what I get for buying stuff at 11pm at night and not reading everything.  So we have been trying it out.  I think it is great.  I've already ordered some small things to get the free two day shipping on them (first of all I get my cd drive on Monday instead of next Saturday which is super cool) and I am potty training Chloe at night.  She has been getting little prizes every 5 consecutive days of having a dry diaper.  She just earned her princess Aurora doll (Princess Aurora is her all time favorite) and tonight she is super excited to wear her undies to bed.  Not having to wear diapers to bed is a pretty big motivating factor for her so we will see if she wakes up dry again tonight.  I sure hope so.  She is going to get some olaf silverware if she can go five more nights.  That was pretty cheap and free two day shipping too!  And I didn't have to add stuff to my order to get up to $35. 

The kids have also been really enjoying Amazon Instant Video.  They have all the Dora, Diego, and Blues Clues episodes on there that Netflix doesn't have.  We also have a super awesome smart TV (that was Matt's birthday present) and the kids like watching the shows on that.  They watch Netflix on the ipad because I have a friend who is letting me use their Netflix account on my ipad.  I had to try out the music stations too, and I am excited to find some new music.  I've already found a couple songs that I like.  It is supposed to tailor your music selections to what you listen to and you can mark songs as either you do or don't like them and it will play more or less of those types of songs.  I've never had Spotify or Pandora, or any other music streaming service so this has been really fun and interesting.  I just need to get some external speakers setup so I can put on the kids channel and we can rock out and finally have no commercials and not have to worry about using up all our skips to find songs we like. 

I totally didn't mean for this to turn into a rant about my experimenting with Amazon Prime, but I have been enjoying my 30 days free.... And This is only day 2 mwahahaha. 

*ahem* anyway.  Today is day 29 of my 30 days!!! Woo Hoo!  One day left.  I'm not sure if I will blog tomorrow or not but definitely Monday.

High School Reunion

Today had many ups and downs. The morning started out well enough, but come 9am I decided to return the sink faucet before Zumba class, which turned out to be a mistake because it took a lot longer than I thought it would take, so I ended up missing class. Then the grocery store was right next to the plumbing store so I had to run in and grab a few things, which of course needed to be refrigerated and so I ended up going back home and skipping the gym all together. I was pretty tired anyway from being up late last night. I failed in my attempts not to analyze myself in front of the mirror before I got into the shower this morning. I started feeling depressed about everything and thinking that nothing has really changed and I haven't lost any weight and this has all been for naught. Even though these self sabotaging thoughts were running through my head I still managed to stay on plan. Although it was a bit more difficult around lunch time due to my mood and the fact that Costco no longer sells my Whole 30 compliant apple chicken sausage. They still have the same brand but the switched the type of sausage for one that has Swiss cheese in it, so of course it is out regardless of whether or not it contains sugar. I ended up opening up a can of chicken and mixing in some coconut cream with onions and having that as my protein with vegetables on the side. After muscling my way through lunch I spent some time with my flute and enjoyed playing. I'm getting better and better the more I practice and it is getting kind of exciting. I used to be quite good (way back in high school) and I am enjoying being able to play the songs that I have been working on better and at a quicker tempo and with fewer mistakes. My tone is improving too, but I still have a lot of work to do in that area. For dinner I grilled some Mahi Mahi with Southwestern Seasoning from Pampered Chef and olive oil. I made broccoli on the side. Matt said he really liked the dinner which is always a good thing. After dinner we went to my 10 year high school reunion! It was great because it was at the park and the kids could play. They had two events, one tonight at the park and one tomorrow at a restaurant. I'm not going tomorrow, It sounds like people are going to be playing pool and drinking a lot and I don't drink alcohol. Period. So I figured it wasn't really my thing. But the event tonight was great. The kids loved playing at the park and Matt was able to come so he played with the kids quite a bit while I visited. Lily loved playing with all the other kids that were there. This was definitely the family event. There was a lot of ice cream and the kids ate some but I refrained. I was asked many many times if I wanted ice cream but I just kept saying no thanks. Besides, it was mostly melted anyway. The coolers they kept it in did not keep the ice cream cold and it had been sitting in the coolers for several hours before the event and it was hot today. I was able to see several old friends and even found some that were living here that I would like to re-establish contact with. None of my very best friends I used to hang out with showed up, and there were a lot of people I didn't know (I wasn't exactly popular in high school) but we all had a great time. I sent Matt and Chloe home early because Matt had gone directly to the park from work and was pretty tired and hadn't eaten yet, and Chloe was getting really tired. Lily and I stayed until the sun went down and it started raining. We were some of the last people there. I found a couple people I had missed during the event that I was talking to. One was a good friend from band and I wish I had more time to talk to him. I only got to talk to him about 5 minutes before I had to fetch Lily from the rain and by the time I got back he was engrossed in a conversation with someone else, so I ended up talking to another less known friend but that was good to chat with her for a bit. Of course I didn't take any pictures, typical of me. But I am happy that I was able to see some people, and hopefully re-establish some old friendships. Two more days of Whole 30. Weigh in day is looming and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I am having a hard time telling anything with my clothes. It seems like my size 8 pants fit a little better but they are still quite tight. They don't hurt when I wear them but they aren't exactly comfortable. My size 10 pants I can't seem to make any use of them because they are tight when I put them on right after they get washed and then by the next day they are falling down. I don't know what to think about all that. I just hope that I am around 145, that is what I really wanted. To get back within my healthy weight range (at the very least). Tomorrow I am going to get my eyebrows waxed and she hasn't seen me since before I started, so it will be interesting to see if she has anything to say. I'm not going to bring it up or ask how I look.

Catching Up

My computer came in yesterday! Yea! I finally got my birthday present. I am super excited, I already downloaded windows 10 onto it and I think I am going to like windows 10 much more than windows 8. I have bad karma with windows 8. I haven't done much with it yet because I was gone when it was delivered so I had to go pick it up in the evening. Most packages I will allow to just be dropped off at my doorstep and left there, but when it's a brand new laptop, that is a different story. I don't want that getting up and walking away. I figured out how to turn my backlight on and off, and set up Cortana. That is going to be pretty fun to play with. It's basically Siri (although I have some bones to pick with Siri, for example today I asked where the closest Noodles and Co. Restaurant was and it sent me to a Chinese place. I ended up going to Noodles website to find the location). I took the kids out to dinner because they had been really good all day and were good sports about coming along to pick up my package.... that and I didn't want to make dinner.

  I just had some water because I had already eaten leftover chicken curry. I can't believe that I am almost done with my 30 days. I really want to weigh myself but I know the importance of the last several days. Big changes can happen the last week and especially in the last few days. So I'm being good. On Monday I get to start reintroducing foods. The first group is legumes and I think I will start with baked beans. I don't eat many legumes but I have four things in this category to introduce and instead of doing them all at once I think I will do them separately. They are: baked beans, black beans, peanuts, and soy. I love edamame so I'm glad I will get that back to add into my vegetables. I have a lot of frozen mixed vegetable bags in the freezer that have soybeans in them.

  Tuesday was a great day, I didn't crash in the afternoon like usual and I had a good run. I went up to my parent's house to run the hills around there and ran 3.5 miles. My mom mentioned that I looked like I had lost several inches which is always a good thing to hear. My run went really well. I'm still slower than a snail, but at least I am out there doing something and doing it of my own free will.

Wednesday was another great day. Again no afternoon crash and I was able to play my flute and do Lily's reading lesson. I had a really hard time falling asleep. I about passed out at 11pm when we were going to bed and then Matt started talking to me and after that I just couldn't fall asleep. I know I got in plenty of physical activity as we went to the Zoo in the morning. The kids had a good time, and were able to get their faces painted. They chose butterflies again. Chloe was wiped out by the time we left and she ended up sleeping until 6pm!

I tried to exercise in the afternoon but after about 25 minutes I just started feeling sick to my stomach. I wonder if it was the heat. Which sounds wussy but we had been out all morning in the sun and it was 76 in the house (this is where everyone who lives in hot climates throws something at me. I really feel like I should be able to workout in 76 degree weather, but something was up today with my body and it was having none of it in the afternoon.)

  Thursday dawned and I was remarkably not too tired. After getting breakfast and bathing the kids I went on a run. I decided to bring my dog with me and he didn't make it the whole way. I was planning on running 5 miles and he pooped out at 3 miles and I had to carry him home. I picked him up and took a shortcut home, but still had to walk the last mile. I think I will only bring him on my shorter runs for a while. But it is good for him to get out and get some exercise so I want to take him on my runs. After the triathlon on the 22nd I won't need to do the long runs anymore and I can just run 3 miles or so and build up his endurance better. It was too hot today. In the 90s, bleh, the kids were all red in the face while we were traveling. I went to my grandparent's house today and had a good visit with them. The kids read books to my grandma who has dementia and I played a couple songs on my flute. I only had two songs performance ready so it was over pretty quickly but that was fine because it was so hot in the house my flute kept slipping off my face due to me sweating so much.

 When we came home the kids watched some movies and I worked some more on getting my new computer set up. I really like my new computer, I just had a bunch of technical problems with ITunes and my phone. I wanted to update my old iTunes email to my new one but I had already used my new one as a recovery email so I had to go through all these hoops to change my old email address to my new one, including resetting my security questions because I apparently can't remember what answers I put down. That took a while and then what really took a long time was getting my iPhone synced with my PC. I was having this problem with the old lap top and thought it was a windows 8 thing, but now I'm wondering if it was just that version of IOS because after I updated my iPhone the computer recognized it like normal. I needed to transfer my photos from my phone to my computer. I am just happy that everything is working... Except inserting pictures into this blog post. I wonder if that is a Microsoft Edge thing (their new internet browser) or if blogger is just having troubles right now. This wouldn't be the first time I have had problems inserting pictures into my blog posts. I have had a lot more energy over the past several days and I wonder if I am finally getting into the Tiger Blood phase. They did say it would take longer for people with a poor diet before the Whole 30. Today I didn't crash in the afternoon again and I'm starting to be optimistic. I think I am going to set a permanent alarm for 6am and just have that be my regular getting up time. Ideally I would like to sleep from 10pm-6am and use the time in the morning as a time to get stuff done, like read my scriptures. The kids aren't awake usually at that time (until daylight savings hits I'm sure).

Note: Okay so I just switched to internet explorer, (because I don't have Mozilla or chrome installed yet and I was able to insert the pictures just fine, so it's windows edge) 


As a parting thought I really need to have another side baking day because I'm starting to eat too many potatoes and not enough other veggies, so tomorrow morning I am not going to eat any potatoes.  In fact I'm going to try to stay away from potatoes for the next few days just to make sure I am getting enough other veggies. 

The Things I Miss

So my husband will be taking the laptop with him to work over the next three days so I make no guarantee I will be able to write another post until Friday.  If I have something terribly urgent to say I will go turn on the computer in the basement but I don't like doing that much because then the kids come downstairs and start playing in all the business supplies. 

Anyway, I did just fine today with the diet, but I didn't want to make the chicken stir fry I had planned on making tonight.  I think I was just tired, actually I still am tired.  I have been having a really hard time falling asleep at night lately and I don't know why.  I haven't been falling asleep until about 11:45 regardless of if I try to sleep at 9:30 or 11pm and regardless of how tired I am.  That's been three days in a row so I really hope tonight I can fall asleep quickly.  I have no clue as to why I can't fall asleep. 

Today was hard because I was around my extended family, the side that looooves diet pepsi.  (There is a reason why I am hooked on that stuff) and I really really wanted to drink some diet Pepsi.  My water just wasn't tasting all that great.  But I stayed strong and refrained.  I have been thinking about what things I really really miss eating and there isn't too much that I really miss.  I miss my almond milk, and I'm too lazy to make some, so I'm just going to wait until reintroduction and I can buy it again.  I also really miss diet pepsi, but I know that is something I really need to get off of anyway.  Maybe I can have like two a week or something.  Sugar of course, but that is something I am not going to touch for three months (my goal is 90 days at least).  Other than that there isn't a whole lot I miss eating on a regular basis.  Most things I would be fine with eating every once in a while, like rice, beans and peanuts.

   There was also leftover birthday cake today which I passed on but gave my kids some to eat when they discovered it.  I figured it was just a grocery store cake so it wasn't anything special and besides that it was several days old so it was probably getting stale.  I did have a good time with my family, but I am really tired now and it is only 6pm.  I want to just go to bed.  Both the kids fell asleep in the car on the way home so they will be up late *sigh*. 

I ate scrambled eggs and leftover hashbrowns for dinner because I really just didn't want to make anything.  I need to make sure the chicken gets cooked soon though.  If I get any energy before tomorrow maybe I will at least cook it up.  I want to get up early and run tomorrow, but if this bought of insomnia continues I doubt I'm going to have much energy or desire to get up at 5:45 and go run, which is really bad because I desperately need to get in some outdoor runs before race day. 

I'm kind of moody right now, being tired does that.  But at least I don't feel like eating, I just feel like sleeping.  I don't really have much else to say, things are going about the same as they have been the past three weeks.  I'm trying not to think about my weight or look at myself in the mirror, although today my family asked about my diet and I told them a little about it and what it entails and why I was doing it.  They said that I looked great, so that is some encouragement there.  One week exactly until I get to weigh in, Next Monday!

The Last Week

I can't believe I am here on the last week of the 30 day plan.  I am on day 23 and I feel like I am doing well.  I still have some pretty strong sugar and snack cravings.  I still feel like I could eat a while cake (especially right now) since sugar cravings have absolutely nothing to do with actually being full.  Right now I feel like I could eat and eat and eat and eat sugary foods.  I wonder if I will ever be free from this feeling.  Maybe by the time I finish 90 days of the program I will not feel the urge to devour a whole batch of cookies.  I know that giving in doesn't help.  I've been giving in for a year and the cravings and urges haven't lessened one bit.  I have gained no control by giving in, therefore the only thing I can think of doing is to not give in and hope that helps.  I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting sugar cravings and feeling depressed because I chose not to eat something sweet and then hating myself because I chose to eat something.

This is the time of the program where people start analyzing themselves in the mirror trying to decide if they have lost weight, and if certain body parts look smaller than they remember them being.  I am doing that really badly.  Their advice is to avoid the mirror as much as possible and to stop looking at yourself.  Instead think about how you feel and focus on more important things.  I wouldn't say that I'm bursting with energy.  I do think that my energy levels are a bit more stable than before.  I used to cycle through energy every few days.  I would have a ton of energy for a few days and then no energy, then lots of energy for a week an then no energy for two weeks.  It seems that has leveled out a bit, the highs are not quite so high and the lows aren't quite so low.  I still get tired in the afternoon, and I wonder if that is something I will just have to live with.