Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Emotional Day

This post really has nothing to do about weight loss, but it's more for me anyway.  Today started out pretty normal.  Lily has been waking up much earlier lately since the sun has been coming up earlier.  The last few nights I have actually been able to sleep so that has been good.  This morning was a bit challenging lifting weights because Lily kept fighting with Chloe, and Chloe kept sitting on me and Lily kept getting in the way and even got her head bonked when I was lowering one of the weights.  She was alright, she didn't get hit very hard, so that is good.  Anyway, that was a bit frustrating, but I powered through my weight lifting: Lean phase 1 workout: biceps and triceps and was glad when it was over. 

Recently, I was put in charge of play group for my church.  Moms with kids too young to go to school will meet up once every other week and hang out.  Today was my first time organizing the play group.  We were supposed to meet at the park but typical Colorado weather threw us a curve ball and I told everyone to meet at my house instead since it was only 40 degrees and had a wind chill that made it feel like it was about 10 degrees outside.  I was expecting a few people to come, but I was surprised when no one showed up.  I guess that goes to show just about how popular I am, which is to say not at all.  I was a little upset that no one came, and I didn't want to take it too personally after all people are busy, and we did have to change the location of the meet up just one day ago.  Even though I told everyone that we would move it to my house a week ago if the weather was bad.  Still... giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, lets just say no one wanted to go anywhere because it was cold, or maybe the time was just bad.  The real test will be in the coming weeks if no one continues to show up. 

But even then, I thought someone would come.  I've been to many play groups before and I've been to many play groups where it is the organizer's first time setting it up and there is usually a few people there if not several people.  Well, even if it has nothing to do with me it still drove a thorn into my brain today because it really got me thinking about my friends.... or lack there of.  This is just a sensitive subject lately because my best friend is moving again.  Every time I have made a friend since I left college, they have moved within just a few months of us becoming good friends.  I'm not even exaggerating.  We moved back to Colorado in July 2010.  I had virtually no friends until I met Casey who is my exact age and has a daughter the same age as Lily.  It takes me a long time to really become good friends with people these days.  It takes several times meeting in public (like church or at a meet up) and then it takes several times actually hanging out to actually consider this person a good friend and to be someone that I call and text and enjoy hanging out with on a regular basis.  So after several months of knowing Casey, she became my first real friend when we moved here.  A few months later she moved to California where her husband was accepted to dental school leaving me once again friendless.  Enter Amanda, a Lia Sophia consultant whom I met at party I went to.  I went to a Lia Sophia open house she had at her house and we kind of connected.  I did a party for her and fast forward a few months later, she became my next good friend and was on the way to best friend status when all of a sudden, just about one to two months after we started hanging out, she moves to Texas where her husband got a job.  Leaving me once again friendless.  Then we moved about a mile down the road and switched church wards.  I didn't have any friends in my old ward so I wasn't upset about it at all and I was really hoping to make a lot of new friends in the new ward.  One year later, I know some people and have no friends.  Bonnie then moves into the ward, she is  my age and has two kids, the exact same age as my kids.  We talk, a few months go by, our older kids decide that they enjoy hanging out together because they are in the same class at church, a few more months go by, we decide to get the kids together, it's now early 2014 and around about March is when I would say we became really good friends.  So following my history, what is bound to happen?  That is right, I found out last week that they are moving to Utah in June. 

Thinking about this and the fact that I am soon to once again be friendless sent me into depressive fits and resulted in me crying from about 11am-4pm when my husband decided that we needed to go out to dinner because he loved me and wanted me to feel better.  He is so sweet that way.  He did make me feel better, and I stopped crying.  But by that time I felt so emotionally drained that I was kind of numb the rest of the day.  I have been trying so hard since we moved here to make friends.  I don't require a lot of friends, just a few close friends would be nice.  Late last fall I decided to get to know my neighbors, I met four women who are stay at home moms with two kids and all the same ages as mine, or around about.  Two of them I feel like I clicked with better.  One of them is my neighbor and I invite her over and we hang out every so often and we talk when we are both in our back yards.  We will see where it goes, so the end of this story isn't completely desolate.  There is hope and I am working on forging new friendships.  But realizing today that as soon as Bonnie moves I will have no friends in my church again was very depressing.  Yes, I know people, but we are not "friends" which has become very apparent to me over the past few weeks as when I am in a group of people everyone is talking to someone else, when I see someone I know and go up to talk to them the conversation dies out quickly and we move on.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, I guess we are more acquaintances than friends.  But still, it leaves me wondering if that might be why not one in twenty people showed up today.

Monday, April 28, 2014

One Week to go

This is the last week of Chalean Extreme.  The last week I have to stay off of the scale.  I am totally ecstatic to finish Chalean Extreme and to start Turbo Fire.  A few weeks ago I decided to do the Fire Starter class for one of my cardio days instead of the short cardio in the CLX program (burn it off).  I loved the turbo fire class!  Most of this month I have switched those two classes.  I have to admit that I am very tempted to just skip the last week of Chalean Extreme and go right into turbo fire, but that would be pretty pathetic of me to work so hard and then skip the very last week of the program.  (Doesn't mean I'm not tempted to do it though ;-)

My foot is fully healed and I am excited to return to cardio.  I am hoping that now that I have muscle and I will be switching to doing mostly cardio, I will lose the rest of the weight faster.  One can hope.  Anyway, I get to weigh myself on Sunday and I am nervous and excited.  I am trying to mentally prepare myself for anything.  The scale could show that I have lost no weight or it could show that I have finally dropped down into my healthy weight range.  I'm going to be carefully watching what I eat from this day forth to make sure I don't mess up my weigh in by eating too much food the night before! 

In other news my brother came over today.  He is back for a few days from college before he heads out on a music tour of Europe.  He said that I look a lot different than the last time he saw me, which makes me feel good because he hasn't seen me since before I started CLX which means that I have indeed made progress.  (He said "yeah, you opened the door and I was like WOW!  My sister is getting hot!"   haha, he always knows how to make me feel good).

Not much to say about today besides that, so here are some updates from last week:

We went on a hike and Lily walked the whole way!  She absolutely loved it and even ran the last little bit.  She fell asleep in the car on the way home though.  Not surprising as the hike was about 2.5 miles long!

Also last week I took the kids to the Zoo again.  Lily had been begging to go for several days so I finally found a day to take them.  It was nice!  Not too hot, not too cold.  Chloe spent most of the time out of the stroller and they both had a great time.
Lastly, I got a new thermos(?) I am not sure what to call it but that sounds good enough.  Anyway, I keep it filled with water and carry it around the house with me.  It's been helping me to drink more water.  Now just to keep up with it.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Catching up

Sorry for the lack of posts this past week.  Lily has been having increasingly difficult times falling asleep at night and I haven't been sleeping well which results in me being tired and frustrated in the evening when I usually write.  Easter was great, however we now have more candy in the house than we did for Halloween and Christmas combined!  Lily did three Easter egg hunts: one at each grandparents house and one at our house.  Chloe did well for her first egg hunt, she had a good time picking up eggs and shaking them. The whole putting them in the basket concept was lost on her however as she would just drop whatever eggs she was holding to pick up a new one that she found.  Lily had a blast dying eggs and I picked up a few kits the day after Easter so we could do it again a few times as a craft.  Besides, I like having boiled eggs around, they make for an easy snack and they go good in sandwiches and in salads.

Here is a pic of Lily dying eggs.  She's wearing one of my old shirts that she wears for paining.  It's way big so it's falling off, but better than nothing.

Anyway, I feel like I have been doing well, only one and a half more weeks until clx is over and I get to return to my beloved cardio for a while.  I can't say exactly how well I am doing since I am not weighing myself, but I think I have done better this month with eating than with the other months.  No week long splurges as of yet.  I can't wait to weigh myself, but I am also nervous.  What if I haven't lost any weight still? Ah well, at least I got stronger.

I have been very hungry the past several days, possibly due to lack of sleep, all my hormones must be out of wack.  Tonight I made some popcorn but I did not smother it in butter!  I also stayed out of the Easter candy which I was so tempted to dig into.   But I am being very serious about my no sweets on days other than holidays and special occasions rule.  I want to make that into something I just do and that is the way I live.  It is hard right now, but I think over time it will get easier.  The next event isn't until Mother's Day.  And that is several weeks away, good time for me to practice some self control.

I didn't eat a whole lot of popcorn, less than I normally would if I were splurging but I still feel really sick.  That means I have been eating healthy and my body doesn't like so much oily popcorn anymore (I popped it in oil instead of the air popper per Lilys request).   I need to remember this for next time, I hope this doesn't affect my sleep tonight, speaking of which I have some sleep I need to catch up on and I pray I can fall asleep tonight and sleep well.  This whole insomnia thing is not working for me and it is so weird because I have never had a problem sleeping before.  Usually my problem is sleeping too much so seeing it from the other side is an unpleasant eye opener (excuse the pun, it just came out that way).

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Another good day

Today I was soooo tempted to weigh myself.  I have been doing good all week, and when I do well, I get very tempted to micromanage my weight on the scale.  You will be happy to know that I resisted the temptation to weigh myself.  I am glad I did because I know that if the scale didn't reflect how good I was feeling, which in all honesty it probably doesn't since I am still focusing on weight training and last week wasn't that great, I would have been very upset and discouraged and I might have gone off the deep end again.  I know I let these things bother me more than I should, hence the no scale challenge.  Because I didn't weigh myself, I just went off of how I felt, and I felt great today!  I had lots of energy for the whole day and I did the Burn Intervals and Ab burner workouts on Chalean Extreme this morning the best I have ever done them!  I can almost do all the triceps reps which has been very challenging to me.  Also, the second set of bicep curls in the middle of the video is very challenging and I can't do all of those reps yet (even with only 4 pound weights).  Also the Burpees are incredibly difficult and I only manage to get 15 out of the 20 done.  I have to rest in between a few sets so my total probably comes out to 15.  But I did the kickboxing units with more intensity than I usually do (preparing for Turbo Fire!) and I even made it through the whole Ab Burner video.  I tried to to the Extreme abs video but it was too hard for me.  The ab burner is challenging enough and it has advanced options which I still can't do yet so I am going to stick with that. 

I am happy with the way I ate, about 1500 calories today and I even enjoyed a Fiber One brownie and a Weight Watchers chocolate creme cake.  I really didn't like the chocolate creme cake so I will probably be stuffing the rest of them into Matt's lunchbox for when he goes off to work and school.  I don't think they are worth the calories, but Matt doesn't have to be so picky. 

Lily had her 3 yr check up today at the doctor and I have been preparing her for it all week.  It helped that Chloe had her check up two days ago so Lily was in the mindset of going to the doctor.  This is the first appointment that she hasn't screamed all the way through!  I was so proud of her.  She even stepped on the scale and let them take her height.  She got a little squirmy when the Doc was looking in her ears but other than that she was perfect! 

When we got home from Costco (we went after the doc appointment) I played with the girls outside to get some of their energy out, and then Lily and I played inside while Chloe took a nap.  It was a very active day and here it is at 8pm and these are my stats in my fitbit tracker
Huzzah!  over 11K steps!  Not too shabby.  I didn't go up and down the stairs quite as many times today, which suits me fine.  I didn't have to work in the basement today so I didn't have all the extra trips from the basement to the main floor. 

All in all I am feeling really great right now.  Getting off the sugar has really helped me get my energy back, and this time I am NOT going to load up on the stuff again and put myself into another sugar coma.  This time, I am keeping my energy.  Who would have thought that it would make such a big difference.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I got a Fitbit!

So I have finally joined the fitbit group.  I have been wanting one for a while to help track my movement and just to make sure that I am being active enough during the day.  I have a feeling that I am doing pretty good in the morning, but when the afternoon comes I slack of majorly!  So I wanted something to help me gauge how I am doing and to motivate me to move more during the day.  I am fully aware that the fitbit mostly tracks movement, meaning that when I do weight training it doesn't account for the energy I put into lifting weights.  My goal is to get at least my 10,000 steps in every day.

This morning I did Lean circuit 2, which is a crazy hard weight lifting circuit.  I am impressed that I am even able to do it, and that is a testament to how hard I have been working over the past few months because I know I would not be able to have done many of the exercises two and a half months ago.  What makes the lean circuits so hard is that you are doing total body moves and you focus on only a few upper body muscles for the whole circuit.  So for Lean 1 you work your biceps and triceps for all 9 exercises, and in Lean 2 you are working your shoulders and deltoids, and in Lean 3 focuses mostly on the chest (you do a ton of pushups in the lean 3 circuit). 

After weight lifting and getting showered and cleaned up we ate some lunch and I took the kids on a walk right before the snow started coming down.  Both the kids were getting fussy and I figured we needed to get out of the house for a bit.  I could tell that Lily was super tired while on the walk because she kept getting in and out of the stroller.  We got home right as the snow started coming down.  I was super excited when I got Lily to take a nap really easily.  She slept for two hours before I woke her up!  It was nice to have a little time Lily free.

Coming up on the end of the day and my stats in My Fitbit look like this:
Only 800 more steps to reach my goal and it is only 7:00!  Granted this is the time of the day when I am the least active but I still think that I can get the last few steps in.  You can see I went up and down my stairs 35 times today.  Now you know why I was dying when I was 211.  I remember being so miserable and upset when I had to go upstairs to grab socks for Lily, or if I needed a jacket.  I would do just about anything to not have to go up the stairs.  Now I try to go up several times just so I can get in the activity.  I can even run up the stairs now :-)

Today was a good day all around, for eating, exercise, and just in general.  I am going to try to get more days to be like today.  I really think cutting out all the sugar has helped a lot!  I am finally out of my sugar coma and today I didn't crash too bad in the afternoon.  I just got a little sleepy around 3-4 but nothing too bad. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

What have I accomplished- Where to go now

Thinking about all my failings over the past few days hasn't helped my mood much.  I've been thinking that I need to do better eating, need to eat less, and in general obsessing over how I was sabotaging myself by eating too much sugar.   So I decided that since this month is about not obsessing over the numbers on the scale, I would concentrate on things other than a number, like things I have been able to accomplish and what I still want to do.

One thing I have learned is the importance of making small changes, and once you have made a change and it starts to become easy, you can move onto the next thing.  Some things that I have accomplished and changed over the past year are below.

I have learned about portion sizes and now I make sure to only eat one serving at breakfast/lunch/dinner instead of several servings or just not measuring at all. 

I have implemented a workout regime and so now I exercise five days a week.  I have even added in weight lifting, something I never thought I would do.

I have taught myself about healthy eating habits

I have changed what I eat for breakfast, something I have wanted to do for a long time but have not been able to get a hold of. 

I have changed what I eat for snacks- I eat fruit and yogurt and veggies now instead of pretzels, cheese-its, teddy grahams, or chips

I eat 3-4 servings of fruit/veggies on most days (still a work in progress)

I cook healthier meals for dinner- no more cream cheese based meals.  I also try not to cook with canned cream of chicken/mushroom soup

That is a lot of changes to have successfully implemented into my life!  So what next?  Where do I go from here?  One thing keeps coming back to mind: sugar.  Sweet, sweet sugar.  My nemesis.  Sugar is what is killing me right now.  I will do very good for most of the week and as soon as the weekend hits, I tend to gorge myself on tons of sugar.  I eat everything I can get.  I will make cookies, brownies, and cake if we don't have anything in the house.  Today as I am writing this, I am in a sugar coma from the weekend.  I have had no energy today, been in a pretty lousy mood, fatigued, and tired.  Sugar does not make me feel good, and yet I crave it, and it is everywhere.  So easy to get, so hard to resist.  A while back I did a 30 day no desserts and candy challenge.  I think that it is time to make a change for good.   I remember that while it was hard not to eat desserts and candy on a daily basis, I felt better, had more energy, I didn't get sick to my stomach, and I lost a ton of weight really fast.  Although I hope that cutting back on sugar will help spur my weight loss, this time I am doing it for me instead of the numbers on the scale.  I don't like feeling lethargic.   I don't like feeling cranky and short tempered.  I don't like feeling weak and tired and fatigued.  I feel this way every time I load up on sugar and it always takes a few days to get the effects out of my system.  When I don't eat sugar and I make sure to eat my healthy snacks I don't crash in the afternoon. 

So from here on out I am making a new lifestyle change:  No desserts or candy except on special occasions (such as holidays and birthdays).  I don't want to cut it out completely, I am not sure I could live that way.  But there is no need to load up on it every weekend and ruin all the hard work I put in throughout the first part of the week.  What I did to help me make the transition a little easier is get some fiber one brownies (about 90 calories per brownie, plus it has the extra fiber) which help me feel like I was able to get a treat.  I also picked up a few weight watchers desserts that are 90 calories per serving.  Since they are in single serving packs I think it will be much easier to stay on track with them.  Remember, small changes first.  We will start here and see where it takes me.  If I feel like I am doing well and I have this down I might decide to go off all desserts and candy, even the weight watchers stuff except for special occasions.  It's not important right now.  Right now, it is important to focus on this new change I want to make in my eating habits. 

My motivation is mostly for getting my energy back, and not feeling so sick.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Baby shower

Sorry in advance, this post has no pictures.  Today was actually a great day. I ate well and I got my weight lifting in.  And then came the baby shower. I had actually planned it all out so that I had a little over 300 calories to spend on food at the shower.  The one flaw in my plan was that I had Chloe with me and it was late at night. That meant after I had eaten my 300 calories that I chose, Chloe kept going back to the food table and I kept seeing the yummy food over and over again. Then Chloe started getting fussy and she wanted a cookie to keep her happy. Because I wanted to stay longer I obliged and before I knew it I had eaten my 300 calories two more times. I wasn't tracking anything but I am sure between the ice cream, caramel turtles, seven layer dip, chips, and pizza dessert cookies, I would not be surprised if it were around 1,000 calories.

I am bummed that I over ate especially since I have been doing so well this week but that is a learning experience. I am trying it learn something from all my experiences now. Learn about myself, understand myself and my body. I think I would have been just fine if I had been by myself, I would have gotten my one plate of food and then plopped myself down in a chair far away from the food and I think I would have been just fine.  But because Chloe was there and I had to see the food again and again, and I had to face that temptation again and again, I caved again and again.  It wasn't until I decided that Chloe wasn't allowed any more food that I stopped eating food.  My stomach kind of hurts now so that is another thing to keep in mind. Of course a sick stomach has never stopped me before.  Before I have eaten so many sweets that I am sick as a dog and throwing up in the middle of the night.  I don't want to be like that anymore.  I will stop before it gets to that point.  So in that regard, I did well tonight.  In the future I will be more prepared when there is tempting food around and I am by myself with the kids.  The kids will get one plate just like me and then we will leave the food for the evening.  No more going back and forth and back and forth.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Divorcing my Scale

My scale.  A tool or a torture?  Maybe both.  I've learned that this journey is more that just about the numbers on the scale.  This past year I have been so focused on the numbers that the scale shows.  I would be happy when it registered a loss, and really upset when it showed a gain.  My weigh in could affect not only my mood, but my eating as well.  And not in a good way.  If I gained I wouldn't correct and eat healthier and track what I ate, instead I would eat out of control because I was upset.  This really hit home two weeks ago when I was sure I was going to see a loss that week.  I managed to stay off the scale all week.  I felt great, my confidence was high... until I stepped on the scale and it said I "gained" 5 pounds in the week.  I am lifting weights now and the last two months have been hard.  I haven't seen the scale go down and that has been hard on my numbers based mind.  But I have lost 6 inches and I feel great.  I feel strong and my clothes are feeling looser. 

After my 5 pound gain weigh in I completely lost it for a week.  I overate like crazy, and stuffed myself with sugar and junk food.  I couldn't help it.  I was so upset.  Fast forward one week to when I took my measurements for the end of that 30 day weight lifting phase.  I had lost an inch and a half off my hips and another half an inch off my chest, and 2% body fat.  I realized: the numbers on the scale are not everything. 

If I hadn't weighed myself that day, my week would have been completely different.  So for the duration of my next 30 day weight lifting period I have decided to stay off the scale.  And just in case I have the temptation to step on the scale:

Ha!  Now I can't step on the scale mindlessly.  So if I get the urge, I can just look at that and remember that it is off limits this month.  I am doing this so that my weekly weigh ins don't affect my mood so much that it destroys what results I might get.

I am only four days into this next phase and already I feel great.  I have moved on past my bad weigh in and I am focusing on how strong I feel.  I am noticing my pants fit better and these are the things I am now focusing on as well as eating healthy and finding out what works for me.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Learning to Love My Body

I think that the title of this post says it all.  Last week really was a time of reflection for me.  To reflect on how far I've come, where I want to be, and what I need to change, and where I need to go from here.  Yesterday I posted about losing my dieter's mentality, and really learning to live differently and think about food and eating differently.  Today I want to talk about another topic I came across in my blog searches and it was a common thread throughout many blogs and success stories.  It is learning to accept yourself, learning to love your body, learning to treat your body with respect.  I am so guilty of thinking and even saying things like "I have myself, I hate the way I look, I am so fat, I am disgusting, I hate my body, my body is so gross, look at all this fat, look at my face, look at my hair!"  etc, etc, etc... And I am sure you could fill in much more with your own thoughts (I didn't even mention my butt!).

But that is the point, we should not be thinking about ourselves in such a negative way.  I learned that I am trying to do the right thing for the wrong reason.  I was trying to lose weight (successfully to a point), so that I could reach an ideal.  I did not have a healthy view of my body, I didn't even like my body.  I have been too focused on numbers and how imperfect I still am.  By the end of this journey I will have lost close to 90 pounds and, call me what you want, I started worrying about how I would look with loose skin.  I have yet to come across a blogger who has lost 70+ pounds who does not have lose skin.  I started worrying about if I would need to get a tummy tuck, thinking about how we could never afford it, and besides that I still want to have kids.  I've had two c-sections and will need more when we have additional kids, will I even be a candidate for a tummy tuck with that many abdominal surgeries?  Worry, worry, worry, fretting over my image, and my bodies imperfections.

Now I realize, it doesn't matter.  Because this journey is about so much more than just becoming skinny.  It is about learning to love yourself, and you have to love yourself to be successful.  Do you love yourself and your body enough to do what it takes to be successful?  It's about being healthy overall: improving in physical fitness, improving in what you eat, improving your strength, improving your mental and spiritual health.

I wrote a post a while back called Confessions of a Weight Loss Fanatic  and I think it really depicts the unhealthy mentality I have had this past year.  Not just the past year, but ever since I started to be aware about the world.  My self image and self esteem issues stem all the way back to 6th grade when I started realizing that I didn't have the body the world said I should have, which made me upset and made me eat more, and made me gain weight, which made me more depressed so I would eat more, and gain more weight.  And thus started the seemingly endless cycle of yo-yo dieting that so many of us get wrapped up in.  This are issues that almost every girl in America faces, and many women across the globe.  We are told that because we don't look a certain way we aren't good enough and are worthless.  This is just not true, and I hope to be able to teach my kids to love themselves and their bodies no matter what they look like.  I truly believe that when you have self respect and self love you will take better care of yourself and your body.  (note: I am not saying that everyone who is thin loves themselves, there are certainly skinny people with low self esteem and a poor body image (think anorexia) and I am also not saying that all people who are fat or overweight have low self esteem and hate their bodies.  I am making a general observation and stating that I believe when we have more self confidence, self esteem, and self worth we are more likely to take care of our health and our body and be happier people).

So from here on out, I am learning to love my body.  I read on http://ronisweigh.com/ that she had to literally stand in front of the mirror naked and say to herself "okay.  This is my body and it is okay.  It's not perfect but I am okay with that.  I am working to make my body stronger, and healthier.  My body is amazing and can do amazing things." (Note: not the actual words she uses on her blog, I'm paraphrasing from memory.)  So that is what I am doing.  I am telling myself that my body is good, that it is my body and that it is amazing.  My body can do amazing things even when I don't take care of it.  My heart keeps beating, I keep breathing, my legs carry me around, my arms and hands can pick up my kids, cook, type this blog post, and so much more.  My body created the bodies of my two children and healed itself after my two c-sections!  My body may not be perfect, but it is the only one I have.  I need to learn to love my body, and treat it with respect.  Stop saying hurtful things to myself.  Telling myself negative things makes me feel bad and further sends me down the cycle of emotional eating.  So instead, I will try to celebrate my body and the amazing things that it can do, and know that I am working on shaping my body into the best it can be.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Losing the Dieter Mentality

After a week long splurge of being "off plan", not tracking in My Fitness Pal, and consuming large amounts of sugar through chocolate cake, cookies, and Easter candy, I finally had an epiphany Saturday evening.  Yes it took the whole week, and in fact you could say it took a year and two months for me to finally arrive at this one thought that is about to change everything.  I finally realized that although I professed to have made a lifestyle change, and I was eating healthier; I still had a "dieter mentality".

What do I mean by that?  I mean that when I would eat healthy food, and track my calories (or my points when I was doing Weight Watchers) I considered myself "on plan" and I would not eat sugary foods.  I would not eat foods that I loved such as popping popcorn and smothering it in butter and salt, or hamburgers and french fries, or cookies, or cake, or brownies, and the list goes on.  After about 5-6 days of staying "on plan" I would have a free day where I could eat anything and everything I wanted.  I have no idea how much I consumed on my free days because I never tracked them, but I am sure it was well far beyond anything that I should have been consuming, even with the weekly points factored in. 

This idea of being "on plan" vs"off plan" or "on my diet" vs"off my diet" or "I am doing good today" vs. "I am splurging today" is at the core of the dieter mentality, and I fit that to a tee.  If I was supposed to be "on plan" that day, and I ate a cookie or two, I figured "Well, I've already messed up this day, might as well just throw away this day and start again tomorrow".  And I would proceed to search and consume any and all items in my house that were unhealthy.  I would actually want to eat foods that would be considered, maybe not 'off limits' since there was no off technically 'off limits' on Weight Watchers, but maybe less than preferable.  So instead of stopping at two or three cookies, I would then proceed to eat seven cookies, and then I wouldn't want to eat anything healthy for dinner that night because I had already blown my day and I might as well go all the way and start over tomorrow.

The dieter mentality.... a dangerous and deadly place to be.  The dieter mentality has almost beaten me three times on this journey.  Once in June/July of 2013 I was "off plan" for about a month and I had to re discover my motivation and determination to continue... I almost didn't.  Once when I hurt my foot in January I was "off plan" for another month and I couldn't rediscover the power within me to stop my dangerous spiral back down the path of eating unhealthy food (I'm talking pizza, and cookies, and buttery popcorn every single day... and not just a little bit either).  Fortunately, I was able to pull myself out of that when I started Chalean Extreme.  It gave me something new to focus on and so I was able to get back on track.... but still with the dieter mentality that now I was "back on plan."  Lastly was last week. 

I'm not going to lie.  Last week was HARD.  I ate poorly, I was tired all week and I felt like crap.  Not just physically but emotionally.  My weigh in on the previous Sunday where it said I gained 5 pounds hit me like a sack of bricks.  I had been doing SOOO good!  I had been eating healthy foods, I hadn't missed a single workout, and I was striving towards that elusive number of 145 and I thought I might be close at that weigh in.  My mind set was all wrong, I was striving for a number on the scale instead of overall health (that is another topic for another day).  So all week I ate the worst I have since January and day after day I thought "is this where it ends?  Do I stop losing weight now?  Have I finally been pushed off the cliff and now I am just going to stop?  What happens when I stop?  Will I gain all the weight back now?  Do I keep going?  How do I keep going?  I was searching through dozens of weight loss blogs trying to figure out where I had gone wrong.  Looking at people's success stories, their struggles, and how they overcame their challenges. 

Finally I found a blog called http://ronisweigh.com/  And amidst all of her amazing posts, I found her mention over and over again the dieters mentality and how detrimental it is to think about being "on plan" and "off plan".  And I realized I still have this mentality.  Also in several people's success stories they talked about making the plan their own, and how they would have dessert every single day.  If they deprived themselves of something they wanted, inevitably they would splurge on that desired food in massive quantities.... exactly as I was doing. Whether on the weekend, or in a one month or one week long splurge.  

Another example: The whole week I had been planning on doing another 30 day challenge of not eating any sugar in the last 30 day phase of Chalean Extreme.  So what did I do?  I realized that Easter was coming up within the next 30 days and I wasn't going to be able to eat my favorite Easter candy during the challenge and I thought "Well, I had better go get the candy I like now and eat it now since I won't be able to eat it later"  Half a bag of sweet tart jelly beans and a whole bag of Reeses peanut butter eggs later........ You get the idea?  That kind of thinking leads to no where.  Instead of developing healthy habits, I look to where I can sneak in the things that I want and have it be "ok" because I am getting back on track tomorrow. 

So I am ditching the dieter's mentality and fully embracing the idea that in reality there is no off limits foods.  I have to allow myself the foods I desire and work them into my life.  I thought about signing back up for Weight watchers, but then decided that I would rather save the money and use My Fitness Pal instead.  So I am giving myself 1,500 weekly calories to spend on whatever I want to simulate the 45 or so weekly points you get from Weight Watchers to spend on whatever you want.  I figured if you got about 26 points in one day and that was similar to 1,200 calories then 45 points should be at least 1,500 if not 2,000 calories for the week.  So this week I changed my calorie limit from 1,200 to 1,400 and I am also incorporating my 1,500 weekly calories and I plan on creating something that works for me.  Something that I can live with day in and day out.  No more free days, no more splurge days, no more off plan or on plan.  I am creating a new lifestyle.  For Real. 

I feel so liberated!  Now that FOR REAL cookies are available. FOR REAL I can eat Pizza if I want to.  FOR REAL I can have some of my favorite candies.  FOR REAL I can go out to a restaurant and order what I want.  I just have to understand portions and moderation and make sure not to deprive myself so I don't binge on something later. Just last night, after my first day of being on my new lifestyle, I was thinking about summer coming up and camping and the thought came into my mind as it always does of smores!  The first thing I thought was "I can't eat smores, they will ruin my diet" and then almost immediately after that came the happier thought "oh wait!  I can eat smores!  I could eat just one and make sure to count the calories in the gram cracker, chocolate, and marshmallow and just factor that into my new lifestyle!"  Now it is important to note that I'm not creating something like "eat whatever and whenever I want".  That mentality got me to weighing 211 pounds.  I want to really create a new healthy lifestyle that works for me and that I can live with that will not leave me feeling deprived or unhappy.  If I find this doesn't work well for me, I will change it.  Maybe I will go back on weight watchers until I get it figured out, but I want to give this a try first since we, as usual, have to be very careful with the money we spend.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Chalean Extreme 60 day results

The end of the second phase.  Also known as the dead phase, or the phase where you supposedly experience no change.  That is what I got out of all the reviews I read: in the first phase you get some good results, in the second phase nothing happens, and in the third phase you see phenomenal results.  So here is holding out for the third phase and my measurements for the second phase:

                                    Before                             30 days                        60 days            Change
Weight                            153.7                               148.6                        151.7                  +3.1
Waist                              36 1/2 "                            34 1/2"                      34 1/2"                N/A
Hips                               41"                                   41 1/4"                      40"                      -1 1/4"
Abductors                      40 3/4"                             40 1/2"                      40 1/2"                N/A
Chest                             36 1/2"                             35 1/2"                     35"                       -1/2"
Right arm                      11 1/2"                              11 1/8"                     11 1/4 "                 N/A
Left Arm                       11 1/2"                              11 1/4"                     11 1/4"                  N/A
Right thigh                     21 1/2"                              21 1/4"                    21 1/4"                  N/A
Left thigh                       21"                                    21 1/4"                     21 1/2"                 N/A
Body fat percentage       22%                                 20 %                        18%                      -2%

Not too bad for the month that nothing is supposed to happen.  If only my weight hadn't gone up I wouldn't be upset and I would be pretty happy.  I lost 1 3/4 inches this month.  I am glad that I got my hips to budge but a little upset that my thighs didn't change at all.  I was hoping to lose some on my thighs this month so that I could fit into some of my thinner pants better.  The waist and hips are fitting well, but the thighs are still very tight on my thin pants.  Well, hopefully next month.

So here are my goals for the next 30 days, which I pretty much covered in the last post:
1. Divorce my scale for the next 30 days, no weigh ins!
2. Lose the Diet Mentality (more about that tomorrow)
3. Track Everything I eat in My Fitness Pal (and I'm giving myself a weekly calorie allowance of 1,500 extra calories to simulate the weekly points you got for weight watchers-more on that tomorrow).
4. Learn about nutrition

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Setting New Goals

My weigh in on Sunday affected me more than I thought it did.  I've been totally off for the past three days, consuming mostly that chocolate cake I made Matt for his birthday on Sunday.  But I've been making popcorn and smothering it in butter and just not eating well.  Interesting how easy it is to slip back into bad habits.  I have also been so exhausted the past few days and I am wondering if it is because I have not been eating healthy and I've eaten way too much sugar.

After searching the internet for stories people have written about doing Chalean Extreme, I have decided that I can't get upset over my apparent lack of weight loss.  Most people report that their weight didn't change much but they did lose a lot of inches.  I took a sneak peak at a few of my measurements and it looks like I've lost another half an inch off my waist and a half an inch of my thighs!  So that made me cheer up a little and if i am losing inches I have to contribute my weight to building muscle.  I have been so sore almost every day this whole program so I know I am building muscle!

One of the ways you reach a large goal that you have set, it to break it down into smaller goals and work your way through those to eventually reach your large goal.  I thought I could just focus on my goal weight now that I have come this far, but that doesn't appear to be the case especially with weight lifting.  So I have decided to set a few goals for the next month to focus on during the last month of Chalean Extreme.  First I was reading up about your cheat days sabotaging the rest of your week.  I don't want to consume thousands of extra calories on my cheat day and have that mess up all the hard work I have put in over the week, so I want to get rid of my cheat days.  I need a lifestyle and having a day where I don't adhere to my lifestyle every week just doesn't seem right.

Goal 1: This coming month I want to focus on eating healthy and tracking everything that I eat.  I want to start educating myself again on what is in food and how it effects your body.  I need to know how much of each food you are supposed to be eating in a day.  How many carbohydrates should you be eating, how many grams of fat, how many complex carbs, how much dairy and really get down this healthy eating thing.  This will give me a project to work on and focus on this next month instead of just stressing about how I am not losing weight.

Goal 2: On that note I also have a goal not to weigh myself for the entire phase 3 month.  This is because I know how much my weigh in effects my mood.  If I hadn't weighed in on Sunday, I would not have eaten so horribly the past three days.  Before my weigh in I was feeling good, eating healthy, and had a very positive outlook.  After my weigh in I was eating sugar, processed foods, was tired, and depressed.  Otherwise known as emotional eating.  This is going to be tough for me and I need to make sure I have my food down pat because if I am not weighing myself I can't be positive that I'm staying on track, which is why tracking what I eat will be so important.

For the rest of this week, starting now since I have pretty much sabotaged the whole day already,  until my official end of phase 2 I just want to do my cardio and make sure to get back to eating healthy.  Fortunately the cake is almost gone.