Monday, March 27, 2017

Starting Over But Not Quite

It's been a long time.  I've thought of taking my blog down, but I just couldn't make myself do it.  Lately I have been thinking of writing again but I knew that if I started writing again, I didn't want to change my mind and then take it down anyway.  If I started writing again, I would have to commit, and I wasn't ready to do that until now. 

Part of the reason why it was so hard to commit is the fact that every month I would hope I was pregnant and every month I wouldn't be.  And so the cycle would start over.  At the beginning I would be gung ho about losing weight, and then in the middle/end I would start wondering if I were pregnant, and then hoping and then thinking that I shouldn't be trying to lose weight if I were going to be pregnant, and of course I never was.  And so on and so forth.  I never did receive an answer.  The OBGYN wouldn't see me since it hadn't been a year yet.  In hindsight I would have approached it from the point of: I'm experiencing these symptoms...... what is going on with my body?  Instead of: I can't get pregnant I think something is wrong.  My blood work pretty much revealed nothing.  Or rather, I should say, the doctors couldn't interpret anything based on my blood work and the answer they gave me was "your body went through some extreme trauma, and you should give yourself more time to heal and see if you get better."  So pretty much "I don't know what is wrong why don't you see if it goes away on its own."  And I'm sure you can imagine how that affected me.

I've been doing well with exercise since the beginning of the year, but my eating has been sub par.  I started the year at 191.6 and my lowest was 182.4.  Yesterday I was 188.6

Lily took the picture for me, standing on a chair.  I think she did a pretty good job.  I think my legs look thinner than they really are in this photo.  I'm actually thinner on top than on bottom, so I thought it was interesting how the picture came out. 

I'm doing a combo of exercise.  I want to sign up for some events to do to help keep me motivated.  I think it will help me stay motivated to actually have a goal in mind instead of just mindlessly exercising for pretty much the same goal as I've had for forever.  Trying to mix it up a bit.  Today was a busy day.  I'm doing the 10K trainer app by Zen Labs and I'm on week three meaning I'm "running" a total of 9 minutes during my one hour workout.  I was trying to run at 6mph, but that's too hard to sustain for three minutes so I had to drop it down to 5.5 and then 5.2.  I try not to think about how much I regressed.  My friend who works out with me keeps telling me to give myself a break and that I'm doing a good job and at least I did work out today and I have to start somewhere.  It's going to take a while and a lot of hard work to get back to where I was, and I just have to accept that and try to go forward from where I am now. 

The title of my post refers to the fact that I feel like I'm starting back at square one.  But I'm not all the way back at the beginning.  I started at 211 and now I'm 188 so I'm still 23 pounds lower than my highest weight. 

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