This has been a rough week. This month has been difficult all together. Wednesday afternoon my brother and sister came over and they were supposed to stay the day and we were going to play games, and watch movies and hang out. Shortly after they arrived we started getting text messages from mom about grandma. She had a brain hemorrhage and was dying. We decided to all head over to grandma's house. I brought a movie for the kids, and we said our goodbyes. I was able to talk to her and tell her some of my memories at her house from when I was younger. She couldn't move but she started crying when I was talking to her. I was crying too. Shortly after I talked to her, she passed away. It was a very emotional afternoon. Couple that with my older sister talking about her pregnancy most of the time and I was an emotional wreak. I really tried to not show any negative emotion when she was talking about her pregnancy but it just brought back all the feelings of disappointment and sorrow from losing my own pregnancy. It was the perfect timing, we were going to be pregnant together, our kids were going to grow up together being the same age, I would be through with the worst part of my morning sickness by now. It was tough. Matt came home from work early to pick up the kids from my grandparent's house so I could stay a little longer. I am sad about losing my grandma. It is the first person in my life who has been close to me who has died. It was time for her to go though. She had been suffering from dementia and the aftermath of some major strokes for about 10 years. She just kept getting worse and worse, and now she is no longer in pain. And while I am saddened about losing grandma, I know she is in a better place now, I think the deeper pain is in seeing how grief stricken my own mom and my grandpa are.
Thinking about the new year. I have hashed out a plan. I am taking all the parts and all my experience over the past three years and putting them together this year to make a livable and workable plan. It's not going to be easy. Easy is not the goal. It is supposed to break my bad habits such as emotional eating, snacking too much, binging on sugar, getting out of control, being on plan and off plan and on plan and off plan, and cycling up and down. It should help me stabilize my eating. So there is no on and off, there is just the eating plan and trying to be my best. I am going to drink Shakeology for lunch every day. I hate making lunch, and I can never seem to eat something that is healthy and fills me up. I remember really liking shakeology when I tried it that one month, so that has been added to my daily routine for 2016. I am going to eat similar to the Whole 30 but not so strict, in that my mayo is not going to be home made, I can have honey in my meals, I am allowed to have a treat on special event days such as holidays and birthdays. Eating out I am just going to get the healthiest yummy thing I can find. I am going to stay away from sugar as much as possible. No sugary treats except on special occasions. I have got to break the grip sugar has on me. No soda pop. Matt bought me a soda stream for Christmas! I have come to realize that I really just crave the bubbles more than I actually crave the soda now. So I have my soda stream and I'm just going to drink carbonated water when I want a soda. I also have some of the La Cruix carbonated and flavored water. That will help too. Breakfast is going to be some variety of eggs, vegetables and a healthy fat like avocado or macadamia nuts. It is one of my favorite breakfasts. I usually do hash browns for my vegetables. A mix of potato and sweet potato. Matt bought me a grater attachment for my kitchen aide so I can quickly shred my potatoes! I think I am ready. I know it isn't going to be easy, but it's necessary.