Depression

I know I've been quiet for a while and I think that the frequency of my posts are going to remain slow.  Since my surgery, and then dealing with the whole family getting sick (which we are not completely over yet) I have sunk into a deep depression.  It's hard to make myself get up in the morning.  It's hard to make myself do things throughout the day.  Sometimes I feel like I have no emotion.  I'm tired all the time.  All I want to do is sleep.  I don't get excited, I am not motivated.  It has been incredibly difficult.  Even writing the post right now is hard.  I don't feel inspired and I have no great words of wisdom.  I wonder why I'm writing a weight loss blog when I have failed so miserably to even achieve a healthy weight.  The good news, if there is any, is that I am managing to maintain right now.  At least I am not going up.  I am at 171, only 4 pounds away from hitting the obese category once again.  My clothes don't fit.  My workout clothes don't fit. and I find myself wishing I hadn't given away all my size 14 pants.  I still have some leggings and a few large size 12 pants that fit. 

I know that this can't last forever, so I am trying to look forward and hold on as tight as I can for now.  I can't afford to do what I did shortly after the miscarriage. If I do I will end up close to 200 pounds and that might destroy me. 

Thinking about patience I know we want to try for another child in the near future, I do need to let my body heal and I hope to get out of this depression before that happens.  So that is 9 months where I have to be patient and I can't diet and I don't want to gain a zillion pounds.  So the focus has to be on breaking bad habits and eating healthy.  I want to do that much slower than I have been doing it.  I tend to jump in all at once.  I have an all or nothing mentality that I've talked about many times.  I think it's time to try something different.  Make one little change.  Focus on one little thing at a time.  The problem is, I don't know what to choose to focus on.  There are so many things I could focus on, which would be the easiest place to start.  Somewhere I would have the most success and could really turn into a long term healthy habit.  I have thought about cutting sugar but I have tried that before and it always backfires on me.  So maybe instead of trying to not eat something, I should try to eat something such as vegetables.  I like vegetables, it is just preparing them can be a pain.  I'm thinking that is where I'm going to start.  Getting in 4 servings of vegetables a day.  Maybe if I focus on adding things in, the bad things will naturally begin to diminish and if I add in enough good things, the bad things will dwindle to a manageable amount. 

It's worth a try.  At least it is somewhere to start.