Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Struggles and Patience

It has been stressful here to say the least.  Since my surgery my I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, but mostly depressed, tired and cranky.  I've thought about stopping everything all together.  Stopping the blog, and just taking a step back from everything.  It's been non stop pain since my miscarriage.  First the miscarriage, then my grandma's death, then dealing with the weight gain, then the hemorrhaging, and recovering from surgery, now the whole family is sick, myself included.  Lily was throwing up and had diarrhea on Saturday.  Chloe has been sick for a week now with a cough, runny nose, some sort of head cold, which I have also come down with.  So I'm trying to recover from the surgery, dealing with all sorts of emotional trauma, suffering from extreme exhaustion and now I've got a bad cold.  I've been kept up coughing most nights, and what nights I'm not coughing, the kids get me up because they are also sick.  Chloe then starts complaining about things she has imagined up in her sleep, like how her bracelets are no longer on the door knob.  She totally freaked out at 1am because she thought her bracelets got moved.  But they were exactly where she left them and once she saw they were there, she moved onto the next thing she imagined up.  And this continued for over an hour.  It was awful.  I think I'm on the back side of this thing, but I'm still not back to normal and to top it off I've been having a lot of uterine pain today.  Whenever I stand up I've been hurting.  It's not cramps, but some other pain.  It might be from the constant coughing.  Last night I was in a lot of pain because I was coughing so much it was making the spot where I have my scar from my C-section hurt. 

Despite all this, I have started exercising again.  Just an easy 30 minute exercise.  I started the Couch to 5k program with an app from ZenLabs.  I feel better just getting a little bit of easy exercise in, like I'm actually doing something.  At the same time it is depressing to see how much I have deteriorated because of the medical issues I've been having.  I used to be able to exercise 2 hours a day and now I can barely last 30 minutes.  The weight is weighing me down.  I feel it everywhere and it feels heavy on my body.  We are going skiing this weekend and for the second time I will have to sit out because I'm too fat and out of shape to go skiing.  None of my ski clothes fit and I don't think I could last through the physical demands of skiing. Combine that with still recovering from my three month miscarriage and surgery and it's just not a good idea.  I was planning on sitting out the ski season this year, but I was supposed to be pregnant. Sitting out the ski season and not being pregnant is a huge blow. 

One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is patience, of which I have none.  Perhaps this trial is to teach me patience.  I want what I want and I want it now.  Waiting is difficult for me.  From my research and studies, patience seems to have three components to it, or can be applied/interpreted in three different ways.

1.  Patience is the ability to put our desires on hold for a time.

This is your basic, waiting for what you want.  I can apply this to eating by this thought.  Can I be patient enough to put my desire for a cookie on hold until a time when it is more appropriate to eat that cookie.  Instead of eating 20 cookies all at once, can I be patient and eat one cookie every 20 days. 

2. Patience is actively working towards worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results do not appear instantly or without effort.

This one hits home for me.  I want to start working on losing weight, and I want to see results and be at the finish line NOW, not a year from now.  And when I go a few days and the scale is up or hasn't changed then I get discouraged and upset.  Having patience to endure the weight loss journey and to persevere when things don't appear to be going as you would like, and continue to work and problem solve and not give up is one of the most challenging aspects of losing weight.

3.  Patience is enduring well

This one I relate to my trials and problems.  How well can I endure trial by fire?  Through this very difficult challenge that has lasted over three months now I am not sure I have endured very well or very patiently.  I wanted it over fast, and to move on.  Instead it built and lingered and I've become more depressed and I want to cry out to God and ask why am I still dealing with these problems?  Why did I have to start hemorrhaging three months after my miscarriage, why did I have to have a miscarriage in the first place?  haven't I been through enough, why is the whole family sick including myself, making it even more difficult to heal, sleep, and now I have super cranky kids and I'm super cranky! 

As much as I have been kicking at the pricks I have also tried to get through this with some semblance of normalcy.  I continue to do reading lessons with the kids, and I've tried to keep our daily scripture study going.  I have been studying my scriptures daily, and I have been trying to take the kids out to fun places and continue doing things with them.  It's been hard and I feel like I'm stumbling along. 

Last night I was reading in the book of Mormon (because I am Mormon and I study the Book of Mormon) and one of the verses really stood out to me.  In this verse one of the prophets, Alma, is preaching to the members of the church.  Much like Paul in the New Testament preaching to members of the church (such as the book of Corinthians and Romans)  Anyway, Alma says this

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."  Alma 7:23

Patient and long suffering.  It seems to be the theme that I keep stumbling upon.  So, that is the attribute I am going to work on developing.  If we get pregnant again in the next few months I am going to have a major Hiatus in my weight loss efforts.  Can I be patient enough to endure that without going overboard and ending up at the same weight I was when Chloe was born?  Can I be patient enough to wait and endure and just eat what is good for me, but not go extreme with severely restricting my calories.  Find the balance, and let the time go by.  The necessary time to reach a healthy weight, going slow so that I don't turn back to binging.  Going slow so that I don't feel like I'm dieting and then I am 'on plan' or 'off plan'.  Instead, I just eat the way I eat.  Change habits, and if it takes 5 years then so be it.  That is the kind of patience I need to have.  The kind that lets go of the obsessive need to lose weight and shifts my focus onto better things, like feeling better, and teaching my kids.  I need to be "temperate in all things" and remember my blessings and be thankful for the things that I do have.  Like my two girls and my great Husband and my house and the fact that I am still alive today to be here for my kids. 

Patience....that is not an easy attribute to develop.

(My points about patience were taken from this talk:



1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry that you have been having such a rough time. In so many ways I can relate to you.
    I have found the only "way of eating" that has helped me overcome cravings is Keto. I am sure you have heard of it but it truly has been a life changer after 35 years of "dieting".