My thoughts have been pretty scattered today, or in other words I have been thinking about a lot of different things today. The past few days I have been in a slump. I've written about my energy cycles but I am not sure if I mentioned specifically that along with the energy crashes come mood swings. It makes sense really. If you are full of energy you are usually perky, chipper, happier, and ready to get things done. If you don't have any energy you tend to be cranky, moody, depressed, and ready to sleep all day on the couch. (and by "you" I mean "me"). So the past few days I have been pretty down on myself. I've been in one of my energy slumps, which apparently was not cured by exercising less. Now I'm wondering if it is caused by excess sugar consumption. Anyway, I've been thinking about my path in life. My past, my present, and future. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. I was always planning on going somewhere, doing something. I wanted adventure (possibly the side effect of reading too many fantasy novels). Nothing ever seems to turn out quite like I plan.
I'm no good with little kids. I discovered that about myself when we went to Korea and had to teach English to kindergarteners. They don't do what you tell them to, they don't listen, or sit still. It's hard to get them to participate in activities. Many times the activities they want to do grow weary after the 10th time of doing it. Little kids never stop moving. They tax my energy, they are messy and like to make messes. They are needy and demanding. They challenge your authority, whine, cry, throw tantrums, won't go to sleep. It takes longer to go places, and you can't stay out as long. Their attention span is short, and a whole host of other things I could go on and on about. Young children weary me. They tax my patience and wear me down. Some people seem born to be a stay at home mom. They thrive on the energy of little kids. But me it seems, there is no way to get me angrier and crankier faster than to throw me into a room of little kids and tell me to do something with them. It stresses me out. Being a stay at home mom is very stressful for me, and over the past few days I have been ruminating on how different my life is because of my choice. Part of me longs for a life of paid work. Part of me longs for a life of adventure. Sometimes I wish I had chosen to go to school in Hawaii, in another state, done a study abroad, gone on a mission. Lets not even mention all the places in my own country I haven't been. But when Lily came along and both my husband and I were looking at going back to school, something had to give. Daycare is too expensive, and there is never a good time to have kids when you are working. I chose to stay home because it was the best thing for our family.
My point in writing this is not to complain. What I realized in all of this is that I can understand why my mom chose to work. She thrives on work, and like me, young kids are not her forte. Perhaps I inherited that from her. The past is in the past and I can't change it. There are many good things going on in my life right now and I know I am blessed. Sometimes it can be hard to see the forest through the trees. The day will come when we get to travel, the day will come when my kids won't be so young. I've never been good at that whole sit back and enjoy the ride thing.
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in August. Thinking about that and the way I was in high school. I always wanted to be the pretty one, or the popular one, but I was the nerdy one. I was a band geek and I definitely liked my friends there. Then the thought came to me: I hated myself in high school. I wasn't good enough at anything. I am perfectly normal. Perfectly average. I never excelled at anything, always winding up in the middle of the pack (unless we are talking athletics, then I was always at the end of the pack). I thought I was talentless. I wanted to be really good at one thing, but I never was. Just average. I was then, and I am now. I don't have any spectacular talents that will blow you away. I can't sing, or play an instrument in a way that will make you cry (unless you cry because my singing is so bad). I can't draw, or do calligraphy. My hand writing looks like chicken scratch, I am not good at building things (I can't even build things out of legos), creating things, I'm not great at chemistry, math, my spelling is terrible. I'm not an actor, dancer, computer programer. I don't participate in talent shows because I don't know what talents I would show off. I never thought I was anyone special.
Perhaps...... It's time to let all that go. Let go of the self hatred, let go of regrets, embarrassing moments that happened more than 12 years ago. Because I'm right. I'm not someone that the world would see as special. I am normal. I am average. I'm just me. I may not be someone special to the world, but I am special to the only people that should matter. I am special to my children. I am their mom, and I am the only one of me. I may not be the most natural stay at home mom but maybe it's time to let that go too. Let go of the doubt, let go of the fear, let go of the anger, let go of the frustration. I just want to be happy. Happy with myself, my accomplishments, with who I am and what I do.
I'm not talentless, I'm just not so good at something that I get world acclaim for it. I can play the flute, cross stitch, crochet, knit, cook, and blog! My blog is the perfect example, I don't get recognition on any sites for being one of the best weight loss bloggers of the year. Does that mean my blog is worthless? No it doesn't. I don't need to be the best, I just need to do my best and recognize that I am doing what I can.
Let go of all the negative feelings so that the good feelings can get in. Love yourself more fully so you can more fully give that love to others. I love my children and I do not regret choosing to stay home with them. There truly is no other job on this planet that could stretch me, challenge me, and cause me to grow more than what I am currently doing. It is time to let go, and to embrace this moment, this life, and realize that I'm not as terrible as I make myself believe. I'm human, I make mistakes, I struggle, but I can overcome, and I can look to the future with hope.