Last week I had a really good conversation with my husband. He pretty much made me realize that I'm trapped in the dieting cycle, and I can't stick with anything. (Which I know is because deep down I really don't want to change what I'm eating to the extent that all these diets require.) He said he doesn't understand why I hate myself, and that it was time to let go.
I have been struggling with my weight for the past 20 years. I have hated myself for 20 years because of my weight and not much has come of it except being caught in dieting cycles, becoming obsessed with eating and food, developing eating disorders and a whole lot of unhappiness. In 20 years I have not been able to fix the problem focusing on food. What is another 20 years going to bring? If I couldn't fix the problem in 20 years, I don't think I'm going to be able to fix the problem handling it the way I have been in the next 20 years. If I continue down this path the only thing that is certain is that I will continue getting what I have been: depression, self hatred and cycles of deprivation followed by binging. While my fertility tests have not been able to tell me why I'm not getting pregnant, they have made one thing clear: I'm healthy. My blood work is normal, everything is working as it should. I have no internal problems, my body is working well and doing all things as it should. The problem is mental and emotional. It's time to let go. I've hated myself long enough.
Perhaps I will be overweight my entire life, perhaps that is the thorn in my flesh, and my cross to bear. But I think more important than being thin is being at peace with myself. Healing my emotions, forgiving myself for my imperfections and changing my focus from how terrible I am to how I can make life worth living. Playing more with my children. I've been cycling between exercising too much and eating too little (creating a lack of energy to do much of anything else) to binge eating (creating a lack of energy and feelings of sickness resulting in not being able to do much of anything else). It's time to let go. It's time to re focus. I am healthy. Yes I am overweight but I'm not morbidly obese, I'm not going to die of a heart attack in three months if I don't diet right now, I'm not even pre-diabetic, and honestly, I think it got this bad because of the dieting cycle I've been trapped in for 20 years. The mentality that if I'm going to eat something I better eat it now because tomorrow it might not be allowed.
I think it is going to take a while to heal my mind and my spirit. I'm not going to love myself right away. I'm not going to love my body right away, but I can respect it and appreciate it, and hopefully as I heal my spirit my eating will balance and stabilize. I've seen it starting to happen this past week. A few times at my usual snack craving times (the afternoon) I've gotten up to go eat and while starring at the pantry asked myself "what is it I actually want to eat?" and I couldn't think of anything. Really I wasn't hungry, and since I'm truly letting go and I'm truly not going to diet anymore, my mental frame shifted just a little bit. I really don't want anything, so I'm not going to eat anything. When I want something, I'll eat whatever I want. I haven't eaten the best this week, but I haven't eaten the worst either. I've still made lots of healthy choices while enjoying chips and sandwiches for lunch. And overall I've been naturally eating less. This is just one week, and I don't know what the future will be like. I don't know the long term impacts this will have. I hope it will have positive impacts as I focus on things that are really more important than my pant size.
And so I'm saying goodbye. I haven't decided yet if I will take my blog down off of the internet, but I'm not planning on writing anymore. I'm letting go. For the first time in my life, someone I love has given me permission to let go, and to focus on something else, to heal, and to be at peace.