So I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep and I'm writing this blog post in my head and obviously not falling asleep. So I decided to just get up and write it so I can get it out of my head and not worry about trying to remember it tomorrow.
Three things I have been thinking about over the past few days. So someone says to me today "just don't gain any weight." What the heck kind of crap comment is that anyway? Thanks for that motivational jibe, what is wrong with people anyway? I'll tell you what is wrong, that comment came from someone who has never been overweight in their life. They don't know what it is like, they don't know the mindset, the problems, the terrible cycle, the warped logic, the feelings of desperation and depression. That is part of why this is so hard for me. I am the only one in my family who has struggled with weight issues, no one else knows what it is like. Not my parents, siblings, husband, or in-laws. So they see me now struggling after doing so well and they don't know what to say, they don't know how to react. Being thin is natural, expected. Abusing food is a foreign concept to them, and being fat has always been a threat ever since I was young. "Don't eat that, you will get fat, if you keep eating that way you will get fat, you need to exercise more because you're getting fat." Pish, skinny people. They just don't get it.
Anyway, along that note though it made me realize that motivation for me has always been internal. I am the only person that can motivate myself. I have always been internally motivated, which is why I have been able to experience success when I am doing it all on my own. Recently I haven't been feeling very motivated and that's because I've been trying to do things that other people want me to do. I'm not staying true to myself, true to the things I love doing, true to the exercise I love, true to the way I like to eat and I've let all the outside stress rule over me and allowed myself to turn to food. Along that line is effort. I realized that I'm not putting in much effort anymore, and I feel like I can spare some more effort. I realized this when I was eating breakfast with an old friend who was in town for the holidays and he congratulated me on my weight loss (hasn't seen me since before I lost the weight), and told a story about how he started getting into weight lifting but then got really stressed at school and work and stopped exercising and his weight went right back up to where he began. That story is so similar so many others but as I thought about it, the thought entered my mind "If you don't make time for it, and if you don't make it a priority it won't get done. When things get stressful often the first thing to go is your exercise and healthy eating habits. It is possible to keep those things going, they just have to be important enough to you to keep them going. " I didn't say that to my friend because I didn't think of it at the time (that and right after he told me the story Lily drug me off to the bathroom because she needed to go). But it definitely applies to me now. I haven't been making healthy living much of a priority, and I think it is about time I start to do that again.
As I was wrestling with my brother over a broom to sweep my parent's kitchen this evening I realized how weak I have gotten. Granted he is a man and I am a woman, but I have lost a lot of the strength I had worked hard to get at the beginning of the year, and if I had kept working on that aspect I probably wouldn't have lost that fight so miserably.........maybe. Anyway, I've really become bent out of shape and I need to light my own internal fire and do things because I choose to do them, not because someone else tells me it would be a good idea to do them. I do the best when it is my idea, and my choice.
On a completely unrelated note, I have of course been thinking about food over the past two days since we just had the biggest food consuming holiday probably in the whole world. I realized something very important about myself which is this: I enjoy the eating experience so much that I do almost everything I can to prolong it. And by everything I can I mean eat more food. One of the biggest reasons why I overeat is because I don't want the eating experience to come to an end. Since I have always been a fast eater, this has always meant eating more food. There are only two ways to lengthen the eating experience: 1. eat more food (my historical method) and 2. slow down your eating pace. If you eat slower, you will be eating longer. It's the same desired effect but you don't eat as much as method 1. I am going to be working really hard from here on out to slow my eating. I know I like eating, and I want to eat longer, so therefore if I can just slow down enough so that by the time I finish I feel like I have been eating long enough, that would be a huge help. Hopefully that will give my hunger signals time to catch up to my brain, and also psychologically satisfy my need to eat and prolong the eating experience.
Oh yes and I've decided to do another round of Chalean Extreme weight lifting at home before going to the gym. I've gotten so weak, I am driving myself nuts.