Well, I tried and I failed. I have come to accept the fact that I just can't live like a naturally thin person. I don't think or behave like a naturally thin person because I am not a naturally thin person. My relationship with food is not normal which is why I have a weight problem in the first place. If I am not constantly on guard and if I am not constantly trying then I end up going haywire. I can't sustain anything and I find I am in a crazy food spiral that leaves me feeling depressed, angry, and frustrated. I wish with all my might that I could just live like naturally thin people, that eating healthy was second nature to me. But no amount of wishing is going to change that. Now I am at a crossroads. I have a decision to make and I have to make it now. My pants almost don't fit me anymore, they have become really tight. I have been a terrible example to my kids and I can see how it affects their choices of food. We have been in junkfood and sugarland for quite some time. I realize now that if I want to change that and get my kids to develop healthy habits I have to teach them, I have to be the example for them, and that is going to require effort, and hard work. I have to work for it.
At a crossroads.... down one path I have made a decision to get back to the basics, accepting the fact that I just have to live my life differently than naturally thin people do. I have to plan, I have to be aware, I have to be constantly on guard and watching myself. I can't eat whatever and whenever I want because that is the path to emotional eating. Down this path I can live the life of a thin, active, healthy person. I hope to fully engage in life, and be active with my family when we go skiing, hiking, and all sorts of other activities. Down the other path, I say screw it all I no longer care, and my weight goes back up and up and up over the next several months and years until I am right back to where I started, and then further. I stop exercising, I stop living. I am cranky, and angry and unhappy and miserable with myself.
Two paths, the choice is clear. I don't really have a choice, I can't go back. I don't want to be the person that I was. I want to be able to do things, I want to be active. I want to be happy. So it's back to the basics. What was I doing when I was losing weight that made me successful? I was weighing in daily, that kept me focused and gave me something to work on every day. I was exercising 5x a week, lately I have been lucky to get in three times a week. I have a gym now for goodness sake! It should be easier not harder for me to exercise. And lastly I was tracking. Good old tracking. I have a love/hate relationship with tracking which I am sure you probably know by now. But it is something about the mentality of tracking that does it for me. I can't just make healthy choices, if I am not tracking then it's a free for all. I know that this isn't correct and it's faulty logic but that doesn't help with the emotional side.
And what to do about sweets? I think I will just have to be extra prepared. I will look at the calendar and plan my desserts and quantities so that I am not caught off guard. If desserts present themselves and it's not on my calendar I will just have to say no. I will just have to accept the fact that I will have to make some sacrifices. Its either desserts or health and fitness and a happy life. And I'm not cutting them out, just controlling them instead of them controlling me. I have to learn to say no, and not feel deprived and not feel upset about not being able to eat them all the time.
Today's weight: 152.8