It's been a crazy week with Thanksgiving this week. We went to my parent's house and had a great time. My brother was there with his fiancé and that was the first time I had met her. She was great with the kids. Apparently she has always wanted some nieces and nephews but her two older brothers are not married. She is the first in her family to get married. So she loved playing with my kids and in return she won their hearts. They absolutely adored her, and couldn't wait to see her again the next day.
I've still been stitching like crazy. I stayed up until 11:30 stitching at least three times last week, and a couple times went to bed at 9pm because I was so tired from staying up the night before. I am getting much closer to being finished than before. I think I can be finished in two weeks. That would give me about a one week grace period for unforeseen delays. I'm cutting it pretty close, but at least it will be done.... Then I get to start on Chloe's stocking and try to get it done before next Christmas. It's never ending.
Lately I've been thinking about why a lot. Mostly the question "Why do I want to be beautiful?" And I'm not talking about just not being ugly. I'm talking about being movie star beautiful. I never really stopped to think about it, I just knew I wanted to be really beautiful. Now it is perfectly normal for every woman to want to feel pretty, and want to feel like they are beautiful. But it is different when you externalize it and you say "I want the world to think I'm beautiful." I would look at pictures of myself in utter disgust because I wasn't super thin and beautiful. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by beautiful people. Mostly my sister. Living in my sister's shadow. She was always the knock out. Which is ironic when you think of how much the two of us look alike. But she was always the prettier one. Not just marginally pretty but movie star pretty. She almost went into modeling, until she decided she didn't really like it. I also have a cousin who is very striking. She has moved back into town and my whole family is commenting on how beautiful she is. She was asked out within one week of moving here. I guess that is why I've started thinking about my why. People have been talking and I've been feeling jealous. But when you think about it, it's silly. I am happily married to a man who is crazy about me and I have two daughters who think that I am the most amazing person ever. They love me no matter what size I am. They love me when I'm happy and sad and even when I yell at them. They love me when I eat a lot of food and when I eat a little food.
Maybe it's just one of my fatal flaws. Something I need to work to overcome. I should be happy with who I am and with what I look like. Find peace within myself and maybe if I do that, I can start to find peace with food.