Darkness

I've been in a dark place over the past week.  In a place of uncontrollable cravings.  Sugar.  It's always there.  Always around.  Especially now.  Candy, Pie, Ice Cream, candy, candy, candy, candy.  One piece leading to another and another and another and there is no one around to stop me.  Only me, and I am not strong enough.  So I don't tell anyone what I'm eating.  I don't want anyone to know.  What would they think of me?  Would they think me disgusting, marvel in wonder at how one person could be such a slave to sugar?  No one around me knows that irresistible pull, the uncontrollable urges to eat sweets, and to keep on eating until you don't care about anything anymore.  You don't care about your health, your weight, what others might think.  Just as long as you can have some of that sweet sweet stuff in your mouth.  Chew, swallow, chew, swallow, repeat.  Until you feel sick and bloated and tired and miserable.  I hate myself when I do that.  I hate that I seemingly have no control, I hate that I let myself down again, I hate that after nearly three years I still can't figure this eating thing out.  I can't get off sugar, I can't control it, I can't put it in it's place.  One failure after another.  I can kick it out of my life for a while but then it comes creeping and soon flooding back in.  Like a drug addict looking for their next fix the hold sugar has over me seems frightening.  In times like these I wish I had a friend to talk to who knew what I was going through.  Someone who has been there, who has had to break the hold of food and sugar.  Who has had to fight and understands that the struggle is real.  My family just looks at me confused.  Wondering why it could possibly be so hard to eat normal portions and to eat healthy.  Wondering why I have been stuck here for a year and a half and why can't I just get to my goal weight and stay there.  What is so hard about it afterall?  Those who have never been overweight, those who have never had food addictions, those who haven't gone through weight loss can't understand.  They can understand the science, but not the emotion, not the psychological battle that must be played out day after day after day.  And when I'm tired of fighting, when I'm mentally and emotionally burnt out.  That's when it happens.  Day after day after day.  Giving in, until something finally smacks me in the face and says "pull yourself out of it".  So I do.  For a while.  But I always end up back there.  Back in that dark place where there is only me and food and that ever present desire for sugar. 

It strikes me now that I will probably never break free.  This is my trial.  This is my struggle.  This is my addiction.  I never thought of myself as an addict to anything.  I don't drink alcohol, or even coffee.  I don't do any drugs.  Addiction?  That was always something associated with substance abuse.  All those things we were told to avoid in the DARE programs.  Certainly not sugar, certainly not food.  But as I have tried again and again to free myself from the grasp of sugar and failed time and time again.  Giving into that pull, that undeniable urge to eat sugar, and not just a little bit, a whole lot of sugar.  I have come to realize how getting off drugs can be so hard for so many people.  Even when the physical cravings are gone, the psychological cravings are still there.  And I always end back up in the same place.  I'm not strong enough to resist forever.

A glimmer of hope shines through my darkness as I pour out my soul to my God seeking refuge from the storm.  Seeking help and strength.  A realization comes.  I've been doing this backwards.  I don't want to feel left out as I've said, but it seems that every time I pull myself out of a sugar coma and kick it out of my life, I miss an important event.  I chose to climb the incline on my anniversary instead of going out to eat and getting a fancy dessert.  I didn't get a birthday cake this year because I was doing the Whole 30.  And my temporary victory is consumed by the damage that I do after.  So.  Lets switch it around.  On holidays and special days I can eat treats, and on every other day of the year, sugar is off limits.  I'm not sure it's going to work, but at this point it's my last hope.