Sunday, February 21, 2016

Faceplanting into chocolate

I didn't think I would make it past this day.  It started out alright, but everything went to heck in a handbasket around noon.  If I didn't feel so weak and awful I would not have made it.  Especially with Matt pestering me to bake brownies.  Maybe pestering is too strong of a word.  He made it known that we no longer had anything sweet to eat in the house and he wanted brownies.  I told him he could make them himself and eat his own brownies. 

The day started out well, despite being incredibly tired when I woke up.  Fortunately Matt let me sleep in.  I didn't get up until 8am, almost a full 2 hours after my usual waking time.  I made poached eggs with hash browns and some avocado for breakfast.  It kept me full for a long time, which was great because church is from 11-2 this year, which is awful since you don't get to eat lunch.  We've gotten into a bad habit of gorging ourselves at 2:30 and then not eating dinner.  Maybe it evens out in the end.  Anyway, I packed a Larabar since I still have those around as a snack and that worked out just fine.  Around noon, I felt my cramps coming on.  I've been really emotional, moody, and crampy all week as my cycle hit on Tuesday.  Today however, I was about to have a whole new experience.  I barely made it through the remainder of church as my cramps escalated.  I quickly took Ibuprofen when I got home and practically passed out on the couch.  I was in a lot of pain.  Fortunately the kids had eaten a large breakfast and no one really wanted anything at the moment.  The kids just played with their little princesses and Matt kept me company.  When I decided I could walk again around 3:30, I hadn't been standing for long when I needed to take a trip to the bathroom.  It was like having my miscarriage all over again.  I had no idea so much could still be inside.  My hormone levels were at 17 and I thought that was low enough there wouldn't be much left, but I was wrong.  In fact so much was coming out that I was getting nervous and wondering if something was wrong.  Fortunately the bleeding stopped and I'm just fine.  This whole experience has been awful, especially because it seems to keep coming back.  (And I really tried to censor the experience so it wouldn't be too much information, but I wanted to write about what really happened because this is life and life sucks sometimes.)  Already being an emotional wreak from the hormones, all I wanted to do was to face plant into a giant chocolate cake.  I almost gave into Matt's plea for brownies.  Except I felt too weak, tired and a little lightheaded to do much but lie down and play games on my phone. 

I'm headed to bed early tonight, but I successfully made it through day 4.  Not sure if the events of today helped or hindered my successful completion of day 4.  My sugar cravings even now are at an all time high, and they are especially bad because I have been giving into them unceasingly since I had my miscarriage almost three months ago.  It's interesting how different people's body's act differently.  I was talking to a friend a church today and she said she had a miscarriage and the next month she was pregnant.  Clearly, it's taking my body a lot longer to recover.  I don't know why, but I guess the doctors keep monitoring my hormone levels for a reason and I should stop complaining about it.  That being said, I still hope recent events means that my hormone levels are now below 5 and after tomorrow's blood draw I can stop going in to get my blood drawn. 

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