Monday, February 29, 2016


I've been perusing books about "how to think like skinny people" and intuitive eating, and rewiring your brain, and even the whole abstainer vs moderator thing.  The problem with the abstainer vs moderator thing is that I can relate to both groups.  When I think about giving up the foods I like for extended periods of time I freak out and then that can lead to binging when the foods are no longer off limits or when I "blow it" for the day.  I also have a hard time just taking one bite or having just one serving and then being fine.  A little bit never seems to be enough.  One thing about abstainers is that they are not tempted by foods that they have deemed are off limits.  That's not true for me, I am absolutely tempted by food even if I have deemed it to be off limits.  "I know I'm not supposed to eat it, but it looks soooooo good!"  I can't blame my eating on any emotional trauma.  I've had my ups and downs and I know I'm an emotional eater.  But I am at peace with my past, I am at peace with my present and the most traumatic thing that happened to me besides this most recent event of hemorrhaging was being turned down by my high school crush.  This leads me to a very important conclusion for me, something I didn't really want to admit about myself because it means a lot of hard work, which is something I tend to want to avoid. 

Truth be told.  I simply just like food.  I like to eat.  Eating is fun, yummy and easy.  Making food takes effort, but eating food is easy and pleasurable.  Eating yummy food is even better because it is even more fun and even more pleasurable and your brain releases even more feel good neurotransmitters.  So, I just like food.  I like everything about food.  I like everything about eating.  It's my favorite thing in the whole world to do.  Food is everywhere.  Good food is everywhere, and it is easy to get.  High carb yummy delicious nutrient lacking food is easy to get.  Every second of every day, it's always there.  So there is no reason not to partake.  It's as easy as pie, which is also delicious. 

So I like food, that might not in and of itself be a problem if it weren't for the second thing I have come to realize about myself.  I am inherently lazy.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's true.  Given the choice, I tend to choose to move less.  Play with the kids outside or sit inside and dink around on my phone.  Clean the kitchen or watch a movie with my kids.  I always want to choose the path of least resistance.  Some people will tell you that this is natural and that it goes back to ancient times when we would try to conserve energy.  See that doesn't help me choose to move more.  Just gives me another excuse to be lazy. 

I also tend to be impulsive.  So giving into cravings is pretty much a given on a daily basis.  Sometimes I wonder if giving into cravings is harder because I want to eat the food, or because I have a hard time controlling my impulses.  So it all boils down to mastery of self, which I am obviously not anywhere near close to.  I feel like I need to just buckle down and do it, like Katie did from  .  She was talking about just doing it and getting it over with.  I need to just decide what I am going to do and follow through.  I have tried so many different things over the past few years that I have a pretty good idea of what will work and what I want my long term life to look like.  I just have to do it, be willing to change, be willing to work, be willing to put in the effort and right now I am just too darn lazy and I like eating food.  Mentally I don't feel ready even if I'm screaming inside that I want to be thinner and to be healthier and I want to be free of food cravings.  I need to make an action plan and then follow through.

Following up on my last post, I feel like I have recovered from the surgery, but I am not yet fully recovered from the blood loss and the past three months of trauma my body went through.  I'm still incredibly tired and pretty much unmotivated to do anything.  I took the kids to a place called Focus on the Family where I could sit and watch them play with pretty much minimal effort.  They are pretty cooped up from me being out of commission this past week.  Hopefully now my body will heal and I can get my emotions and hormones under control and start feeling better soon.

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