Awakening

Over the weekend we went to the Ranch, which is a plot of land up in the mountains that my In-Laws own.  Matt grew up going there and it is special to him.  It has no internet and no cell phone service, but it is the outdoor enthusiasts paradise.  Plenty of hiking, biking, trail running, ATV riding, and even places to go kayaking (not that we do that one), but pretty much it's like glorified camping on account of we don't have to pitch a tent, they have a cabin.  I haven't been since last summer since we don't go over the winter as it gets snowed in.  Last summer I was training for a triathlon, last summer I was in shape.  This weekend I am thirty pounds heavier than last summer, and this weekend was a slap in the face.  It was the kick in the butt I needed, combined with my cycle starting.  In the past I could pretty much pick a month and be pregnant.  So I figured that would happen again, apparently not.  I have to now accept the fact that I haven't the slightest clue what the past six months have done to my reproductive system and it might just be that my body is not yet ready.  So while I am waiting I might as well make the most of my time and then I can at least continue being active and eating healthy when the time comes that I do get pregnant. 

Anyway, this weekend was tough.  Physically tough.  I went out hiking with the kids and we flew kites, and drove around on the ATVs that my In-Laws have, and I hit 10,000 steps by 1:00 and I passed out.  Meaning that I fell asleep and took a nap with Chloe.  I was totally and utterly spent by 1:00.  Then I was tired and exhausted for the rest of the trip.  I did everything I could, continuing to go on hikes, and helping Lily learn to ride without training wheels, but I was just so tired.  I was really cranky by the third day.  I was so tired and so physically drained, but my kids and my husband kept going and I trailed along like a cranky zombie.  I felt like I was going to crash at any moment, I just wanted to lie down and sleep.  It was the longest morning of my life, of course the kids getting up at 5:45am didn't help matters.  I was so relieved when it was time to go and I could just sit in the car for the 4 hr drive home. 

It was a tough reality break.  I could have had a much more enjoyable time if I hadn't let myself get so out of control.  But it was the wake up call I needed.  I don't want to repeat that experience the next time we go.  I want to be a little bit healthier, and a little bit more fit.  I'm sure we will be going in June so there is only so much I can do before we go again, but every little bit helps.  So here I am, not quite back at the beginning.  I gained back half of what I lost, now sitting at 180, a little bit wiser, a little bit older.  But I want my body back, the body that I maintained at 150 for two years.  I never made it to my goal and when I was at 150 the first time all I could think about was losing more weight.  Now it seems like it would be nice to be back there, at least when I was there I could keep up with my family. 

So I need to make permanent changes that I really can maintain.  I feel like I got caught up in all the fads and swept away by what was popular at the moment and I was so zeroed in and focused on losing weight I let myself become consumed with the need to do anything to lose weight instead of focusing on what would benefit me and what my body needed.  I'm starting out simple.  I've set my calories at 1,900 calories per day.  According to my fitbit I burn about 2,500 calories per day.  As I lose weight I will need to lower my calorie intake.  It's similar to what I did on Weight Watchers.  They don't just start you out at 25 points per day.  Depending on your weight and circumstances you get to eat more when you start out.  The last time I started I was at 53 points per day (granted I was nursing and you get 14 points for that).  The point is, I'm not going to starve myself, I don't need a quick fix.  Patience.  Something I've never been too good at.  It's time to develop some patience, and do what is right.