Willingness to Change/ Happiness in Weight loss

If you found me through my Half Size Me interview Welcome!  I interviewed for the show on October 27th so I have had plenty of time to ponder over my answers and decide on areas that I wanted to expand upon and discuss in further detail.  This post is in direct response to my Half Size Me Interview.

During my interview with Heather on the Half Size Me show we started talking about how to let go of an arbitrary number that we all have in our heads and allow our bodies to decide where it wants to be.  I talked about how I didn't want to track calories or points for the rest of my life and that is very true.  That is not a sustainable behavior for me and I also noticed that tracking everything would make me really anxious.  If I was getting close to my limit for the day I would start to get nervous and be more likely to overeat or binge.  I also noticed that I was tracking the same things every day and that when I got really meticulous about tracking I would start trying to cut out healthier food items to save me a few calories or a few points.  Then I realized how ridiculous this was because it wasn't the chia seeds I put in my oatmeal in the morning that caused me to gain weight or prevented me from losing it.  It wasn't my glass of milk or what I put on my sandwich.  The real problem was binging and not being able to control myself around sweets and excessive snacking in the afternoon.  I knew how to eat, and I knew what I needed to eat. Unfortunately the reality is that tracking comes with a certain mindset for me.  In my mind I have paired tracking days with being "good" and non tracking days as being "bad" and my eating would sway either way based on whether or not I was tracking.  And so, a more gradual transition is going to be required for me since right now I can't let it go without dire consequences. 

Sustainable weight loss is really all about changing your habits, and for everything you take out, you need to add something in or else you will just be focusing on the things that you have taken out.  For example I have added my blog, and I have picked up a new hobby: manicures!  I also like to read blogs and listen to podcasts, and play video games.  I have also add in exercise, gym time, and more activities with the kids.  It's the days where I don't have anything planned, or I am lying around the house doing noting because I didn't plan anything that are the hardest for me.  To be happy with your new habits and your new changes you have to keep adding things into your life when you remove things, otherwise like I said, you will be focused on the things you "can't do" instead of all the things that you now get to do. 

This process of changing habits, requires me to change, obviously, and to be open minded.  It requires trial and error, there will be success, there will be failure, but as long as I keep moving forward, keep trying to set a good example for my kids, keep trying to teach myself and my kids what and how to eat and I strive to eliminate emotional eating, substituting other activities, other coping mechanisms for when I am stressed, sad, lonely, bored, or tired I know I am making progress towards a happy healthy and active life.  And that right there is the real goal.  Not an arbitrary number on the scale.  That is not what leads to happiness.  People say it all the time: we think that once we get to a magical number on the scale we will suddenly be happy and all our problems will be solved.  That is not what brings us happiness.  That is not how we become happy.  You can diet yourself to your goal weight and still be miserable.  Happiness in weight loss does not come because you hit a number on the scale, it comes because you change who you are.  Happiness comes because you choose to change the way you think about yourself, you rid yourself of all the negative self talk that is going on in your head and replace it with positive and uplifting thoughts.  Happiness comes because you no longer obsess over your weight, size, and what you look like, but you focus on your accomplishments, and your future goals and you learn to love yourself, and you are proud of yourself.  That is what leads to happiness in weight loss.  Finding balance between eating foods you enjoy, and eating healthy.  Learning what exercises make you feel good, and becoming a more positive person.  All of these things require change.

Source

Change is one of the key ingredients to successful long term weight loss.  Right now I am still willing to change.  I am willing to continue to tweak my food, tweak my exercise, change things up, and because of that I will continue to see improvements in my body.  When I stop losing weight that is where my habits have led me.  Once I am unwilling to change any more then my weight will stop dropping and if my weight stops moving down and I am happy with myself, I am at a healthy weight, I have the energy to be active with my kids, do the exercises that I love, and I like the way I am living then that is going to be where I stay, whether that number is 140, 130 or 125.  Whatever that number is I will be okay with it as long as I am happy the life that I am living.  If I stop losing weight and I am not happy with where I am at, then I had better be willing to change something or I will not lose any more weight.  And changing doesn't necessarily mean eating less or exercising more.  Changing could be eating yogurt with lunch instead of chips, adding a vegetable to every meal, doing a different exercise.  Our bodies acclimate to the exercise that we are doing pretty quickly and we can plateau just because our bodies are used to what we are doing.  If you have stopped losing weight, your body has arrived at the place your habits have led you and if you are not willing to change, then that is where you will stay.  And I for one, like this notion. No dieting, no fussing, just living and working on becoming a better person.  Learning new things, and continuing on this journey called Life.

Feelings on Meal Replacement Shakes

I made it through yesterday and Today!  I was over yesterday though because I decided to make popcorn with Chloe in the evening while we watched a movie.  I couldn't get her to go to sleep and Matt and I were planning on watching a movie anyway and all of a sudden she goes "Mommy.  Popcorn!"  I knew she was wide awake and so I decided to let her stay up with us.  The look on her face was rewarding, she was so excited, dancing all around saying "popcorn, popcorn, popcorn!"  I was proud of myself because I didn't eat any other treats and I didn't overeat earlier in the day.  The popcorn was my treat.  Today we went to go get Korean food and I think I did really well with my eating.  I went to Body Attack this morning and was totally wiped afterwards.  It's been a long time since I have worked that hard.  It felt good, but it was really hard.  I have some work to do to get back to where I was before the holidays hit.  I am proud of myself that I was able to refrain from overeating in the afternoon.  I told myself "no we are going to be eating in an hour and a half and I want to be hungry not full when we get to the restaurant."  I had Dolsot BiBim Bap which is basically rice with vegetables.  There is a LOT of rice though, which drives up the calories.  Plus I don't know what is in that red sauce you always put in it.  Koreans aren't really into sugar though, so I hope not too many calories.  Matt translates the sauce to mean "red pepper paste" because it's made from this Korean red pepper. 

Dolsot Bibimbap

I feel like I have been doing well this week so far.  Nothing extreme and definitely nothing strict.  I'm focusing in Liveable this time.  I don't want to have another relapse because I was pushing myself too hard and trying to change too many things at once.  I am thinking of working out 4 times a week.  Two Zumba classes, then Body Attack (which is cardio with strength and HIIT) and then one Body Pump class (which is a lot of strength training).  I think that makes for a pretty well rounded workout and a well rounded week, but not spending too much time at the gym.  I think 4 days a week is something I can keep up with. 

Since the New Year is coming up and the diet season will be in full swing in about two days, maybe three, I wanted to talk about spending money on diet plans, mainly Meal Replacement Shakes.  I have a strong hatred of meal replacement shakes that stems back to my sixth grade year when I was on the slimfast diet.  Slimfast was the popular thing at the time, and it was easy.  Just buy their shakes, have one for breakfast and lunch and viola!  Instant weight loss.  My beef with meal replacement shakes for the purpose of weight loss is more involved than just the fact that it's a drink and drinks don't usually leave me feeling satisfied.  My issue with meal replacement shakes for the purpose of weight loss is that they don't teach you anything.  You don't learn about healthy food choices, you don't learn about portion control, you don't learn what foods fuel your body and make your perform well, you don't learn how to cook healthier meals, you learn nothing!  So you take these shakes, and then when you decide you are done with them you go right back up to where you were before because you go right back to your old habits and your old way of eating.  Nothing has changed, you haven't learned anything.  You haven't learned a new way of life, or a new way of eating. 

That is why I despise weight loss shakes, I feel like businesses are preying on the desires of overweight people, and taking advantage of them. It's all well and good while you are using the product, but as soon as you stop then BAM, right back to square one.  This doesn't mean I haven't fallen prey to meal replacement shakes, in fact on three separate occasions in the year 2013/2014 I used them.  1. when my sister and brother in law signed up for Herbalife, I bought some replacement shakes to support them in their business and they helped me lose 10 pounds during the 2013 holiday season.  2. When I hit my plateau and got desperate I tried 310 shakes and hated them, they left me starving about a hour later.  That one was a mistake, live and learn.  3. When I bought Turbo Fire and Chalean Extreme from Beach Body I got caught up in the hype of everything and ordered some Shakeology (That is actually a very good product, and I actually liked it the most but seriously who can afford $130 each month for it?)  These three experiences taught me something.... I don't like to use meal replacement shakes!  (So I guess really, I learned nothing.....)

Now there is one situation where I don't think meal replacement shakes are a bad idea and it revolved around one simple idea: you aren't using them for weight loss.  So here is an example: my sisters do not like to eat breakfast.  They know breakfast is important, but they have a hard time eating a full meal in the morning, and besides that they are busily getting out the door and off to school or work.  A great solution to this is a meal replacement shake that has lots of protein, fiber, and vitamins in it.  It's easier and faster for them to drink their breakfast and makes them happier.  So they can be beneficial... just not for weight loss.  I actually keep protein powder in the house so that I can make a protein drink for myself occasionally because occasionally, that is what I want.  Maybe my stomach isn't feeling too great, or maybe I'm still full from the day before (Thanksgiving!) or maybe I just want a protein shake because I like the way they taste.  The point is, I'm not using it as a meal replacement to lose weight, it's just my breakfast or lunch for that day. 

So as 2015 rolls around lets all focus on losing weight the healthy way: Through changing our habits, and changing our minds to reflect a healthier way of thinking, a healthier way of living.  Remember, Slow and Steady wins the race. 

Made it past Day 1

Christmas is over, the new toys are put away, the house has been cleaned, chaos has subsided, and I have successfully made it past day 1 (woo hoo!).  Something about the holidays being over makes it easier to focus and and get back on track (although technically I suppose they are over until after New Years Day, but I'm going to start a little early.)  Of course, having most of the baked goods out of the house (because they were devoured) helps.  However there is still plenty of candy lingering.  I know now that if I want to eat something sweet I just have to plan on it being extra.  Before, I would eat something sweet and try to use it as a replacement to stay on track which never seemed to work.  I couldn't eat cookies and not have an afternoon snack, I couldn't eat cake and then not eat dinner.  Turns out sweets don't keep you very full.  I also know now that I am not one of those people who can give it up all together, so I will just have to regulate it.  Allow myself something small every day so I don't start feeling deprived.  I also realized feeling deprived can be a choice.  It's about your mindset, instead of feeling deprived and sad that you can't eat something, I tell myself "I am choosing not to eat that because there are things more important to me than eating a whole lot of candy/cake/desserts".  This works well for me especially if I do let myself have some treats, I just need to make sure I work it into my day.

Speaking of working it into my day, now that I am back the biggest lesson I learned during my floundering was that I need to make sure that I am making liveable choices.  This summer I was doing really well, got down to 143, but I was working out 6 times a week.  That isn't really something I could maintain, it was part of the reason why I fell so hard.  I was just tired of working that hard.  With eating my ultimate goal is still intuitive eating.  I would love to be free of tracking, but I have to be able to keep the mindset of being "on" when I'm not tracking in order for this to work, so a much more gradual transition is going to be required.  After I've lost this holiday weight, maybe once I've switched to maintenance I will slowly start to switch.  Starting with one day a week and working my way up to full time. 

Here are some photos from Christmas, and now begins Day 2

Fitbits and Manicures

Wow, this month has been going fast.  I feel like I am really excited for Christmas to get here but I know that as soon as it does, it will be over so fast, and then you have the post Christmas blues to deal with.  I went to see The Hobbit last night with my in laws.  As a Lord of the Rings fan, I loved it.  I do wish they had tied up some of the threads of the storyline a little better but of course that would just have made the movie longer, and as it stands it is already 2.5 hours.  Still, I'm sad that its now come to an end.  The movies started coming out when I was in high school. 

Changing focus, I got a new fitbit!  I wish the Charge HR was out, but it doesn't come out until next year, but I got the Fitbit Charge.  Super cool!

This one stays on my wrist so hopefully I won't forget to un clip it from my sports bra and throw it in the washing machine.  My old one never recovered from that.  Besides, with the fitbit one I always felt like you could see it through my shirt.  There wasn't really a good fashionable place to clip it to your bra.  I don't know if any of you have had that experience but that is what it seemed like to me.  I like how this one buzzes when you have a phonecall coming in, and also how you can double tap the screen to turn it on.  It's the simple things that make you smile.

I've come down with some sort of cough :-( so my steps are low today, but I still got in close to 8,000.  Not too bad all things considered.  I would love to have more friends to compete with anyone out there want to be fitbit buddies?  I haven't looked at the interface in a while since my old one went through the wash, but now you can actually orchestrate official challenges with your friends such as who can get the most steps in a 24 hr period and who can get the most steps in over the weekend (I would totally fail that one, Sunday is always my lowest step day), and you can also do week days.  You can now change your focus from steps to stairs climbed, or mileage too.  I like the new updates they have been doing, makes it more fun.

Changing focus again, wow I'm scatter brained tonight, or maybe I just can't think of any graceful transitions... that's what happens when I get sick and my brain isn't thinking too poetically.  I decided to treat myself to a manicure for the holidays since I had some money from some Pampered Chef shows I had done last month.  I found some cool holiday styles on Pinterest and this is what I ended up going with.

I went over to my neighbor's house today because Lily saw their little girl playing in the backyard and wanted to go play, and as we were talking I noticed we had the exact same manicure!  Ha!  We both saw it on pinterest.  I guess there is a reason why we are friends.  We think alike.

Speaking of Manicures, I've been thinking about picking it up as a new hobby.  Whenever you take something out of your life (such as eating too much food) you are always supposed to add something in that you enjoy so that you don't feel empty or like there is a void.  Besides exercise, which I added in purely for the purpose of losing weight, I never added anything into my life when I was losing weight.  I've been trying to take things out without putting anything back in.  It's been a very long time since I picked up a new hobby, and I think now would be a good time.  I ran it by my husband and he actually agrees with me.  Hot Dang and Hallelujah.  If he agrees then it must be a good idea.   This is something I've gone back and forth with throughout the years, I will get really interested in doing my nails, and then I will leave it, then I will go out and buy a whole bunch of cheap nail polish and then I will leave it.  And back and forth the cycle goes.  This time I am going to actually buy the salon quality stuff so I can actually do a real manicure at home instead of just putting some cheap nail polish on that peels off within 24 hours.  I have some money built up from working as an office assistant for my Pampered Chef Director and I've decided that when I get paid I will buy a Gelish starter kit and an LED lamp curing light.  Also some of the other basics for manicures such as the soaking bowl, the soap, the lotion etc.  In case you are wondering, because I know you aren't, I chose Gelish over Shellac.  They are both very similar products but I chose Gelish for three reasons 1. they use an LED lamp instead of a UV lamp (faster cure times and something about exposing myself and my kids to UV rays that frequently doesn't sit right with me).  2. The colors!!!  Gelish has a ton more colors than Shellac 3. Gelish is easier to get ahold of as Shellac pretty much only sells their products to salons, although I've found some stuff on Amazon.  Gelish sells their products to the consumers (me!)
I want to learn how to do French Tip and maybe even airbrush eventually.  I've been looking on pinterest too much probably (and we all know what happened the last time I tried something I saw on pinterest- if you don't all you have to do is look at the post right before this one ;-)



I'm really excited about it, then I can invite my friends over and we can do manicures!  It's perfect, something to be social with, and Lily is totally into doing her fingernails and toenails.  So that will be coming in January.

That's all I've got for today, Unless something totally awesome happens I have to blog about or I get struck with a brilliant idea lets just assume I won't be posting again until after Christmas.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

http://funmozar.com/christmas-clip-art/

Birthday Weekend

Today is Lily's birthday and she is turning 4!  We had her birthday party on Saturday and then on Sunday it was my Father-in-Law's birthday.  So I was partying all weekend.  For Lily's birthday I wanted to make her this rainbow cake I saw on pinterest because she is really into My Little Pony and we had a My Little Pony birthday theme.  She was so excited for her cake.  "I'm going to have a rainbow cake just like Rainbow Dash!"  She would say.  She helped me make the cake, dying each of the six layers, and had a blast.  And then came time for me to put it together....

So I went back to the store and bought cake mix without pudding in it and the second attempt turned out much better.

The party was great, we had about 8 kids there, which was perfect.  We played Pin the cutie mark on Pinkie Pie, and I cut out these ponies from the foam sheets we had and they all got to decorate a pony with the sparkely stickers that have been lying around the basement for a year.  Then of course cake and presents.  It turned out great. 

Yesterday I made some Oreo truffles for my Father-In-Law's birthday and we had a good time seeing them.  Today Lily wants to go to the indoor water part at our Gym so when the open at 10 we will be heading there for two hours (they close again at noon then open later in the day).  Lily wanted cake for breakfast and is currently playing on the Ipad.  Whatever floats her boat, it's her birthday!

I am a nice shark

"I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine.  If I am to change this image, I must first change myself."- Finding Nemo

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As I was talking to my husband about New Years and what we are doing for that day, I started talking about how much I love eating shrimp curry (the only day of the year we get shrimp curry) and I made the comment "where shrimp curry is, that's where I will be".  And he goes "You and food". 

Hmmmm.  Makes me wonder if everyone in my family thinks I am a mindless eating machine.  A family of people who pretty much could care less about food.  I went over to my parent's house last week to help my younger sister with her Chemistry homework.  I was there from 3:30-7:30, we spent three hours working on chemistry, my parents left for the evening and there was no food in the house.  Chloe ate two avocados, and Lily refused to eat avocados or bananas.  There was nothing to make for dinner.  Unconcerned with food, the whole lot of them.  What do they think about someone like me?  I have this memory from waaaaay back, sometime in elementary school. I was at a girl scout camp and some of the kids were divvying up the snacks and I remember one of the girls making the comment to give me the largest bag because I eat the most.

When I was in college and was going out to eat with my family at an Italian restaraunt my younger sister says to me (she was maybe 5 at the time)  "Jenna you need to workout more because you're fat".  I guess that is less of an overeating remark and more of an exercise remark.  But the point is still the same.  I am not a mindless eating machine.  At least, I don't want to be, and if I am to change this image that my family has of me, I must first change myself.  There are two ways to go about this, the healthy way and the unhealthy way.  One way is of course to just not eat anything around others which leads to binging in private.  Totally unhealthy, and the other way is to make doable, liveable, healthy changes.  I'm tired of being thought of as the bottomless pit, tired of being the one who everyone thinks is obsessed with food.

I AM NOT A MINDLESS EATING MACHINE!

151.2 pounds today :-)

Get back to Work

This last Sunday was the first Sunday of the month and for those of the LDS faith, that means Fast Sunday.  We fast for two meals (usually breakfast and lunch).  I have always had a hard time with Fast Sunday and in general I usually don't do it.  I have fasted a grand total to three times in my whole life of being an LDS member.  This Sunday however I decided that it was just something that I needed to do.  I needed to prove to myself that I am stronger than food, I needed to prove that I can have power of food if I want to claim it.  (And yes, this last Sunday is included in that count of three).  And so, being completely terrified I fasted.  And you know what, I actually did pretty well.  I am proud of myself for showing self control and for proving that I can conquer food.  Yes it was hard, I had a pretty flat affect throughout the day but I did it.  I was successful, and no one can take that away from me.  I proved that I do have the power and strength to change my life, to life healthy, and to life a life free from food addiction.  It might not be easy, in fact I know it is not easy, it is down right hard.  You have to work for it, constantly.  Over time things might begin to become second nature to you, but while losing weight, and for the first while maintaining, it is hard work and requires constant effort.  I am now ready to go back to work. 

Slowly, Slowly, Slowly Said the Turtle

This morning I was 152.0 so that is .8 pounds down from my last weigh in, woo hoo!  In the right direction.  It has been a rocky week, my motivation has been up and down.  I had one really really good day, and one really bad day and a few eh days.  I am slowly pulling myself back together and for now slowly is good.  I have some new goals to work towards.  I definitely do better when I actually set weight loss goals and give myself a timeline.  I have a new OBGYN I am seeing in January and I would love it if for the very first time in FOREVER I could actually be in my healthy weight range at a doctor's appointment.  Which means I have to get to about 142ish, since I will be up a few pounds from my morning weight after breakfast and all that jazz.  I am not entirely sure if I will make that one since we are still in the throughs of the holidays and I have two birthday parties to get through (my daughter's and my father in law's).  But I would still like to be as close to 145 at my doctor's appointment as possible.  Also, our one ski trip of the year falls in the middle of February and I would love to be about 140 for that trip.  It was when I got over 145 that I started having problems with my feet skiing.  Namely, they go numb.  I have no idea why, but it never happened until my weight got over 145.  It might have to do with aging, but it might have to do with weight, and in case it does have to do with weight I really really want to be below 145 for this ski trip.  I was trying to hit that mark last year but right at the beginning of the year I hurt my foot and that was out.  So I am going to really try hard to hit it this year.

That's all I've got right now, this is more of just a check in post to let you all know I am still here and getting this figured out.

Crossroads

Well, I tried and I failed.  I have come to accept the fact that I just can't live like a naturally thin person.  I don't think or behave like a naturally thin person because I am not a naturally thin person.  My relationship with food is not normal which is why I have a weight problem in the first place.  If I am not constantly on guard and if I am not constantly trying then I end up going haywire.  I can't sustain anything and I find I am in a crazy food spiral that leaves me feeling depressed, angry, and frustrated.  I wish with all my might that I could just live like naturally thin people, that eating healthy was second nature to me.  But no amount of wishing is going to change that.  Now I am at a crossroads.  I have a decision to make and I have to make it now.  My pants almost don't fit me anymore, they have become really tight.  I have been a terrible example to my kids and I can see how it affects their choices of food.  We have been in junkfood and sugarland for quite some time.  I realize now that if I want to change that and get my kids to develop healthy habits I have to teach them, I have to be the example for them, and that is going to require effort, and hard work.  I have to work for it.

At a crossroads.... down one path I have made a decision to get back to the basics, accepting the fact that I just have to live my life differently than naturally thin people do.  I have to plan, I have to be aware, I have to be constantly on guard and watching myself.  I can't eat whatever and whenever I want because that is the path to emotional eating.  Down this path I can live the life of a thin, active, healthy person.  I hope to fully engage in life, and be active with my family when we go skiing, hiking, and all sorts of other activities.  Down the other path, I say screw it all I no longer care, and my weight goes back up and up and up over the next several months and years until I am right back to where I started, and then further.  I stop exercising, I stop living.  I am cranky, and angry and unhappy and miserable with myself. 

Two paths, the choice is clear.  I don't really have a choice, I can't go back.  I don't want to be the person that I was.  I want to be able to do things, I want to be active.  I want to be happy.  So it's back to the basics.  What was I doing when I was losing weight that made me successful?  I was weighing in daily, that kept me focused and gave me something to work on every day.  I was exercising 5x a week, lately I have been lucky to get in three times a week.  I have a gym now for goodness sake!  It should be easier not harder for me to exercise.  And lastly I was tracking.  Good old tracking.  I have a love/hate relationship with tracking which I am sure you probably know by now.  But it is something about the mentality of tracking that does it for me.  I can't just make healthy choices, if I am not tracking then it's a free for all.  I know that this isn't correct and it's faulty logic but that doesn't help with the emotional side.

And what to do about sweets?  I think I will just have to be extra prepared.  I will look at the calendar and plan my desserts and quantities so that I am not caught off guard.  If desserts present themselves and it's not on my calendar I will just have to say no.  I will just have to accept the fact that I will have to make some sacrifices.   Its either desserts or health and fitness and a happy life.  And I'm not cutting them out, just controlling them instead of them controlling me.  I have to learn to say no, and not feel deprived and not feel upset about not being able to eat them all the time. 

Today's weight: 152.8