Here we go again

I've tried many things over the years.  I can honestly say I have mastered the sustainable lifestyle.  The problem is, eating sustainably tends to make me gain weight, but it sure is something I could sustain for the rest of my life.  I've been giving it a lot of thought, and one thing keeps nagging at me.  That of course is the Whole 30.  That was the one time through all this that I really felt good.  The one time I really felt my cravings diminish, the one time I actually had energy that lasted throughout the whole day, the one time my mood was improved and I wasn't cranky or depressed.  The one time I wasn't hungry or sick from ODing on whatever.  And so it's time to bring it back.  A pure, unadulterated Whole 30.  But 30 days wasn't long enough.  I want to do a Whole 90.  I'm pretty sure I won't make it that long without ending up going out to eat, but I'm going to do my absolute best, especially for the first 30 days.  I've been talking to my neighbor and she suggests really focusing on life after Whole 30.  She shared this website with me: gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2012/05/quiz-are-you-an-abstainer-or-a-moderator/

In there it talks about two different types of people.  Those who do better at abstaining and those who do better at moderating.  I have tried my whole life to be a moderator.  But I have never been good at having just one, or eating one cookie twice a week.  Once I start, it's all over.  It's the first place that I've ever heard that it is ok to be different that a moderator.  That's just not me.  I will never be good at moderation because I have such a hard time controlling myself once I indulge.  I do better with a set of rules and the Whole 30 rules are powerful because you never go hungry.  There is a real power in not being hungry.  You are seriously choosing the best foods to fuel your body, and there is no calorie counting or restricting.  Granted you do give up a lot of other food choices, but what is left, is pure whole good food that makes you and your body feel good.  It lifts my mood, my energy, my motivation.  I felt so good when I competed in that Triathlon last year and right now I feel so crummy.  I think I'm at a new all time low.  I've been feeling depressed, tired, cranky, moody, angry, stressed.  Of course all that leads to emotional eating.  This is the only way I know how to get out of that cycle.  Food affects me in powerful ways, and time is passing.  Lily is starting school next year, and most of what I remember of the last 5 years is me struggling to be a good mom.  Me struggling to do activities because I'm too tired or moody.  I can only hope that when she gets older and she looks back on childhood she will see that I tried.  I try not to be too negative.  After all, I taught her how to read, and we go places together a lot like the zoo and to different play areas and the park in the summer.  We go on walks and bike rides.  But it seems that too often the days are filled with movies and me drowning in sugar. 

But if I can master a Whole 30 lifestyle (not necessarily doing Whole 30 every day of the year, but living mostly whole 30, where I eat lots of protein and vegetables and generally avoid sugar and processed foods), that opens up a whole world of possibilities.  A world where an active, fit, healthy and happy and much less grumpy me lives. 

 So, today was day 1.  The easiest day of anything.  Last year when I did the Whole 30, I did it through my birthday, so I'm sure I can handle anything this month throws at me (which of course happens to be Matt's birthday).  Matt is totally a moderator.  He eats his two cookies or one brownie or whatever it is, every day or so and is perfectly happy.  He doesn't binge, he doesn't feel the urge to keep eating sweets once he starts, and if things are too sweet he doesn't eat them.  Or eats much much less of them.  I think that is a world I will never know.  I'm just not hardwired that way.  So I have to figure out how I am wired, and what will work for me, and for me alone.  Not Matt, not my mom, not you, but me. 

Today was good and bad.  I didn't get much sleep last night, totally my fault.  I stayed up finishing book 5 of the series "A Shade of Vampire".  I actually really like the series, it has gotten really interesting over the past few books.  At first I was just kind of like "meh" but by book three the plot really deepened and became much more rich.  So anyway, I've been utterly exhausted today from lack of sleep, and of course, really bad eating choices from the day before.  I've taken my measurements and my weight to start off.  Seems like all I've been doing for two months is starting, but it is what it is. 

weight: 168.6
Body fat: 35.3
Chest: 36 3/4
Waist: 36 3/4 (measured at belly button)
hips: 42.5
R. Leg 22 3/4
R arm 12 3/4

You know, when I was at my lowest and thinnest measurements (143 pounds) I was no happier then than I am now.  I was utterly miserable and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong that I wasn't losing weight faster.  I needed to be a lower weight, and I still hated who I saw in the mirror.  It's time to change that.  I can't go around hating myself for the rest of my life.  The me that hates myself feeds me poor food choices.  So the me that loves myself, is going to make my body healthy.  I am worth fighting for, and I am the only one who can fight this battle.  I intend to win.