It's been a while since I've written. I've been up and down. Had some good days and some bad days. Mostly what I'm struggling with is a very strong sense of apathy. We are planning on trying to get pregnant again sometime within the next several months and a large part of me says "what is the point of dieting and trying to lose weight when I'm just going to gain it all back when I get pregnant anyway." Therein lies the problem. I never really changed my habits and desires. It was all something short term to do to reach a goal, and therefore never sustainable. Yes I lost weight, I had my moments in the spotlight, but when challenges came my way, my feeble grasp and pathetic claims to have changed my eating shattered as there was no substance behind it. I still want sugar, I still want soda, I still want crackers, and when I refrain from eating those things I want, I end up binging. And so I have decided to embark on what will probably be the slowest weight loss journey in history. Looking at my fitbit, with my current weight, I burn about 2500 calories a day (as long as I reach 10,000 steps). So I decided to start somewhere and just track my food. I set my calorie goal at 2,000 calories and at the moment I don't even care if I go over. Just get in the habit of tracking, see where I'm at, see what I'm doing. I do have my goal set at 2k so that is in the back of my mind as a target to work towards. I can't just jump in where I'm at and all of a sudden go from eating what I have been over the past 5 months to eating 1400 calories a day and exercising an hour a day. I'm not sure that is healthy anyway.
I'm going to go painfully slow, especially because as soon as I get pregnant I will have a 9 month hiatus from weight loss but I'm still going to track my food. When I get pregnant I will adjust my daily calorie limit to 2300 and while nursing, 2400. Use those numbers as guidelines and use the 9 months as a learning experience and also to get me in the habit of tracking and I can also begin to work on changing some of my habits. Right now I like to eat chips with lunch, and I like to eat dessert every day. Some things I have been thinking about are: only eat one dessert a day. If I have something sweet, then after that I am done for the day. I can't eat two cookies after lunch, a handful of skittles at 3 and two cookies after dinner. But it's something I'm working towards. Slowly, as I work on it I will eventually tip the balance so that more often than not I am eating only one dessert a day. I have a similar plan for other unhealthy habits I know I have such as eating chips for lunch. I'm thinking that when I am ready to tackle that issue, I will switch out my chips for a fruit or a vegetable one day a week, if there are other days where I don't eat chips that is fine as circumstances allow, but when I am ready, I will purposefully only switch one day. When I get comfortable with that, I will move it up to two days a week until I find a good balance. I actually feel really good about my breakfast. I usually eat either eggs or oatmeal for breakfast and most of the time I don't eat again until lunch time. It's lunch-bedtime that is the hardest for me.
An interesting thing happened today. I took the kids to the bounce house today. Now, when I was losing weight I was always tired. In the afternoon I would be so tired, I could barely stay awake, many times I fell asleep on the couch while the kids watched a movie. Every other time I have taken the kids to the bounce house I was so tired, practically falling asleep while trying to play with the kids. Today however, I had plenty of energy. In fact, my afternoon slumps have practically disappeared over the past month. Now I wonder if my lack of energy during weight loss was because I was exercising too much and eating too little. Eating only 1400 calories a day while exercising an hour on top of running around with the kids was just too much on my body, and I didn't have enough fuel to make it through. Also, feeding it the right kind of fuel. When I was just eating junk during my miscarriage phase I felt awful (which could also be due to hormones). I did the Whole 30 for two weeks and while my diet now is far from perfect, I have cleaned up a lot of my more horrid habits (such as eating nothing but junk all day and constantly snacking all day on cheezits and what not, and stuffing myself to the point of stomachache with sweets). So while I may not be eating the best, and I may still be eating a bit too much, I actually feel better now than for most of the time when I was successfully losing weight. I'm not hungry, I'm not lethargic, my mood is more stabilized, I don't get angry as quickly.
Now I'm not saying that everything is better this way because it's not. I have plenty of bad habits I need to work on. In the afternoon I get really snacky and want to eat for about an hour and a half straight. I am 30 pounds above the weight I was before I got pregnant and I am at the borderline for being obese again (which for my height is 175, and I'm sitting around 172). It's harder to move around with the extra weight on and my desire to exercise and ability to do so has diminished. (one of the reasons it has been so hard to exercise besides my decreased physical fitness is because I did Zumba the day before my miscarriage, and I just haven't been able to get back into it. Which is unfortunate because that was my all time favorite exercise and I just can't bring myself to do it yet.)
But I think I am on the right track for me. It's going to be an awful, grueling test of patience, but with the pressure to "conform" to a particular diet or limit my calories to a small number each day and focus on reason, and practicality and making slight subtle changes I can actually live with that actually work with me for me and with my lifestyle, that is going to be a huge key to success. One small thing I have started doing is filling up my soda stream bottles before I go to bed (I have three 1 liter bottles). I make sure they are all full, and I usually drink two of them during the day! How's that for good progress! What I realized about myself is that what I hate about drinking water is sitting and waiting for the glass to fill up (It's a stupid and trivial thing but it's real, and poses a real barrier for me actually going and getting a glass of water). We have a filter on our faucet and it just trickles in slowly and seems to take forever to fill a glass of water and for reasons unbeknowest to me, it irks me to no end. So I fill up my bottles when I'm not actually going to be drinking the water and I can do other things while I wait for them to fill. Then when I am thirsty the next day, I grab some water and start drinking with no waiting to fill it up. It's a little and easy change that has greatly helped me increase my water intake.
The good the Bad and the ugly. My personal journey to become healthy, happy, fit, and to attain peace with food and myself.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Monday, April 11, 2016
Feeling Human
So today I am finally starting to feel like a normal person again. It is now day 6 and I'm finally coming out of the food fog I guess I've been in. It is hard to say how much of how I felt is because I ate terrible and how much was because of what was going on with my body. The two combined just created a deadly combination for me. It amazes me how much what I eat affects me. It affects my mood, my ability to thing, how I feel physically, my energy levels, my emotions. Everything. I wonder if everybody is this easily affected by food or if my food choices just affect me more than others. Maybe it's just because I'm paying attention to it so closely now. I'm really paying attention to how food makes me feel. Today was the best day I've had in a long time as far as how I have felt. I almost feel like a normal human again. My emotions are coming back (instead of feeling numb) and my energy was a little higher throughout the day and I didn't crash in the afternoon like usual.
As I've been doing the whole 30 over the past six days I've decided that I want to do something more realistic for the long term. I don't want to just do the Whole 30 and then stop and go back to my bad way of eating. I've already proven that if I have no rules to govern what I eat, I just eat bad all the time. So I'm sticking as close to Whole 30 as I can but tweaking it if I need to. For example, we went to my In-law's house the other day and I went to great lengths to make sure that what was cooked was Whole 30 appropriate. I bought the meat and pretty much made the whole meal, but when we went to season the meat and veggies all the seasonings had sugar or corn starch in them. I suppose I could have just used salt and pepper, but we were feeding 7 people and I wanted to take them into account too. So I decided to use the "what you can when you can" method and we went ahead and used the seasonings. I think that is what it means to do "what you can when you can" (or Wycwyc. If you haven't heard of it head over to Ronisweigh.com It's her idea of how to be healthy and live your life, pretty much doing what you can when you can. She wrote a book about it you can check out on Amazon). I always figured that method didn't work for me, and in it's own context it doesn't. It isn't enough for me as a stand alone concept, I pretty much say "great! no rules, time to pig out". But used in context of trying to live the Whole 30 (or paleo-ish) lifestyle all the time instead of a brief moment in time. It changes the meaning and how you use that mind set. Besides, lets be honest, it's not the sugar in the seasoning I use for my meat that made me fat.
I have been having a very difficult time fighting the urges to snack. Snacking when I am not hungry, and snacking on junk food is a bad habit that just got worse as I went through the difficulties of the past several months. I just want to snack all the time. Snack on candy and crackers and chips. Delicious but deadly for me. It's not until I forced myself to stop that I realized just how bad it had gotten. I wanted to snack all day long. It's getting slightly better now. Today was the best day, but I am sure there are plenty of tough days ahead of me.
One challenge I had to figure out how to handle is movie theaters. Do I or do I not buy popcorn and soda at the movie theaters? I love it, but it's certainly not healthy. So I decided that if I'm going to the theaters with just my husband then I am not going to buy anything. But if we go as a family then I get a treat. Today we took the kids to see Zootopia and I had one soda and we shared one large popcorn (I think Lily ate most of it) and we didn't get a refill. Then I went on and stuck to my plan the rest of the day. That is how a treat is supposed to work. Occasionally you eat one thing and then you keep going on with life. Unlike what I tend to do which is let that one thing turn into two and then three and four and then end up binging on food. I am not the type of person that can have a treat every day. It causes me to get off track and throws me for a loop. So now the task at hand is to keep going with my Whole-30/Paleo-ish way of eating and really make it work for me.
What I love the most about it is that you don't have to count calories. I have figured out there are basically two ways to lose weight when talking about what you eat. You can either track your calories and eat less of whatever you want to eat. Or you can restrict your eating to certain foods but you don't have to track. I have discovered that I actually prefer the second method. I think it is the best method for me because it makes sure that I am eating the right foods, my body feels its best when I am eating these foods and I never have to feel hungry or feel like I can't eat anything because I have hit my calories for the day. It also helps with the part of me that can't handle treats, so I just say no because I'm an abstainer and it's easier for me to just not eat it than to have just a little.
So I'll end on a high note. You aren't supposed to be weighing yourself on the Whole 30 but I figured I've already broken the rules and I think I want to weigh myself about once a week to keep everything under control. Today I weighed in at 168.8 which is down nearly 7 pounds from last week! Talk about a lot of bloating and food and water weight, and we hope some fat too. I am feeling better and my pants are already fitting a smidgen better just not having all that excess junk in me. Hopefully I'm on the up and up. I'll leave you with this cute picture of Chloe. She got in her dance costume for the recital coming up in June
As I've been doing the whole 30 over the past six days I've decided that I want to do something more realistic for the long term. I don't want to just do the Whole 30 and then stop and go back to my bad way of eating. I've already proven that if I have no rules to govern what I eat, I just eat bad all the time. So I'm sticking as close to Whole 30 as I can but tweaking it if I need to. For example, we went to my In-law's house the other day and I went to great lengths to make sure that what was cooked was Whole 30 appropriate. I bought the meat and pretty much made the whole meal, but when we went to season the meat and veggies all the seasonings had sugar or corn starch in them. I suppose I could have just used salt and pepper, but we were feeding 7 people and I wanted to take them into account too. So I decided to use the "what you can when you can" method and we went ahead and used the seasonings. I think that is what it means to do "what you can when you can" (or Wycwyc. If you haven't heard of it head over to Ronisweigh.com It's her idea of how to be healthy and live your life, pretty much doing what you can when you can. She wrote a book about it you can check out on Amazon). I always figured that method didn't work for me, and in it's own context it doesn't. It isn't enough for me as a stand alone concept, I pretty much say "great! no rules, time to pig out". But used in context of trying to live the Whole 30 (or paleo-ish) lifestyle all the time instead of a brief moment in time. It changes the meaning and how you use that mind set. Besides, lets be honest, it's not the sugar in the seasoning I use for my meat that made me fat.
I have been having a very difficult time fighting the urges to snack. Snacking when I am not hungry, and snacking on junk food is a bad habit that just got worse as I went through the difficulties of the past several months. I just want to snack all the time. Snack on candy and crackers and chips. Delicious but deadly for me. It's not until I forced myself to stop that I realized just how bad it had gotten. I wanted to snack all day long. It's getting slightly better now. Today was the best day, but I am sure there are plenty of tough days ahead of me.
One challenge I had to figure out how to handle is movie theaters. Do I or do I not buy popcorn and soda at the movie theaters? I love it, but it's certainly not healthy. So I decided that if I'm going to the theaters with just my husband then I am not going to buy anything. But if we go as a family then I get a treat. Today we took the kids to see Zootopia and I had one soda and we shared one large popcorn (I think Lily ate most of it) and we didn't get a refill. Then I went on and stuck to my plan the rest of the day. That is how a treat is supposed to work. Occasionally you eat one thing and then you keep going on with life. Unlike what I tend to do which is let that one thing turn into two and then three and four and then end up binging on food. I am not the type of person that can have a treat every day. It causes me to get off track and throws me for a loop. So now the task at hand is to keep going with my Whole-30/Paleo-ish way of eating and really make it work for me.
What I love the most about it is that you don't have to count calories. I have figured out there are basically two ways to lose weight when talking about what you eat. You can either track your calories and eat less of whatever you want to eat. Or you can restrict your eating to certain foods but you don't have to track. I have discovered that I actually prefer the second method. I think it is the best method for me because it makes sure that I am eating the right foods, my body feels its best when I am eating these foods and I never have to feel hungry or feel like I can't eat anything because I have hit my calories for the day. It also helps with the part of me that can't handle treats, so I just say no because I'm an abstainer and it's easier for me to just not eat it than to have just a little.
So I'll end on a high note. You aren't supposed to be weighing yourself on the Whole 30 but I figured I've already broken the rules and I think I want to weigh myself about once a week to keep everything under control. Today I weighed in at 168.8 which is down nearly 7 pounds from last week! Talk about a lot of bloating and food and water weight, and we hope some fat too. I am feeling better and my pants are already fitting a smidgen better just not having all that excess junk in me. Hopefully I'm on the up and up. I'll leave you with this cute picture of Chloe. She got in her dance costume for the recital coming up in June
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Good Old Whole 30
So I'm still alive. In fact I'm feeling the best I have, at this very moment in time, in about six months. After wallowing and floundering and hitting an all time low in my life. I feel like I am on the up and up. I just finished day 2 of the Whole 30. I had started it the week before I started hemorrhaging and then abandoned it as I was receiving meals from friends from church, and beggars can't be choosers. So then everything spiraled way out of control as I sunk into a pit of depression. I have been using my essential oils for the past week and a half. I've been looking into the oils that help uplift your mood. I've been using my Citrus Bliss and my Peppermint in the morning. I have been alternating each day, putting a few drops in the back of the shower and then you get some aromatherapy in the shower in the morning. I've also been using a new oil Doterra recently started selling called Console. It's a part of their new mood system and it just might be my very favorite oil. I just love the way it smells, and when I put it on (diluted in fractionated coconut oil because it's a very strong smelling oil) I just feel warm and like I am wrapped up in a big blanket. So I've been using Console throughout the day, and then Lavender in the evening. I just got some Bergamot oil in and that is really supposed to help with depression and also with relaxation. I want to start making some spa products with my oils. Bath salts are particularly easy to make where you pretty much just mix the salts and oils together. I also want to make some bath bombs which are a little trickier but don't look too complicated, and an interesting shampoo recipe with rosemary and peppermint oils. I think that would just be an awesome wake up in the shower.
So I've been feeling a little better. Today I had a lot of pulls towards my bad habits like eating just because it's something to do, and wanting to comfort myself with foods. I can see essential oils becoming my new coping method and I think that would be a much healthier coping method. When I started the whole 30 two days ago, my weight had climbed to 175.6 and my body fat percentage was over 37%. I'm planning on doing it for 90 days minimum before I start reintroduction. I will probably plan for another 90 days to do reintroduction. Just go super slow this time and make sure that I have given it plenty of time to form new habits and to break bad habits. Hopefully the Whole 30 will work it's magic again. (and I don't end up in the hospital any time soon). I've felt so awful over the past several months, who knows, the first two weeks might not be as bad as the first two times (including the first week of the second time I committed to doing it right before ending up in the hospital). I imagine I will still feel bad, but maybe it will be a different kind of bad from what I've been experiencing and maybe it won't be as bad as the past few months. We will just have to wait and see. Day three is tomorrow and withdrawal symptoms really kick in.
So I've been feeling a little better. Today I had a lot of pulls towards my bad habits like eating just because it's something to do, and wanting to comfort myself with foods. I can see essential oils becoming my new coping method and I think that would be a much healthier coping method. When I started the whole 30 two days ago, my weight had climbed to 175.6 and my body fat percentage was over 37%. I'm planning on doing it for 90 days minimum before I start reintroduction. I will probably plan for another 90 days to do reintroduction. Just go super slow this time and make sure that I have given it plenty of time to form new habits and to break bad habits. Hopefully the Whole 30 will work it's magic again. (and I don't end up in the hospital any time soon). I've felt so awful over the past several months, who knows, the first two weeks might not be as bad as the first two times (including the first week of the second time I committed to doing it right before ending up in the hospital). I imagine I will still feel bad, but maybe it will be a different kind of bad from what I've been experiencing and maybe it won't be as bad as the past few months. We will just have to wait and see. Day three is tomorrow and withdrawal symptoms really kick in.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Depression
I know I've been quiet for a while and I think that the frequency of my posts are going to remain slow. Since my surgery, and then dealing with the whole family getting sick (which we are not completely over yet) I have sunk into a deep depression. It's hard to make myself get up in the morning. It's hard to make myself do things throughout the day. Sometimes I feel like I have no emotion. I'm tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I don't get excited, I am not motivated. It has been incredibly difficult. Even writing the post right now is hard. I don't feel inspired and I have no great words of wisdom. I wonder why I'm writing a weight loss blog when I have failed so miserably to even achieve a healthy weight. The good news, if there is any, is that I am managing to maintain right now. At least I am not going up. I am at 171, only 4 pounds away from hitting the obese category once again. My clothes don't fit. My workout clothes don't fit. and I find myself wishing I hadn't given away all my size 14 pants. I still have some leggings and a few large size 12 pants that fit.
I know that this can't last forever, so I am trying to look forward and hold on as tight as I can for now. I can't afford to do what I did shortly after the miscarriage. If I do I will end up close to 200 pounds and that might destroy me.
Thinking about patience I know we want to try for another child in the near future, I do need to let my body heal and I hope to get out of this depression before that happens. So that is 9 months where I have to be patient and I can't diet and I don't want to gain a zillion pounds. So the focus has to be on breaking bad habits and eating healthy. I want to do that much slower than I have been doing it. I tend to jump in all at once. I have an all or nothing mentality that I've talked about many times. I think it's time to try something different. Make one little change. Focus on one little thing at a time. The problem is, I don't know what to choose to focus on. There are so many things I could focus on, which would be the easiest place to start. Somewhere I would have the most success and could really turn into a long term healthy habit. I have thought about cutting sugar but I have tried that before and it always backfires on me. So maybe instead of trying to not eat something, I should try to eat something such as vegetables. I like vegetables, it is just preparing them can be a pain. I'm thinking that is where I'm going to start. Getting in 4 servings of vegetables a day. Maybe if I focus on adding things in, the bad things will naturally begin to diminish and if I add in enough good things, the bad things will dwindle to a manageable amount.
It's worth a try. At least it is somewhere to start.
I know that this can't last forever, so I am trying to look forward and hold on as tight as I can for now. I can't afford to do what I did shortly after the miscarriage. If I do I will end up close to 200 pounds and that might destroy me.
Thinking about patience I know we want to try for another child in the near future, I do need to let my body heal and I hope to get out of this depression before that happens. So that is 9 months where I have to be patient and I can't diet and I don't want to gain a zillion pounds. So the focus has to be on breaking bad habits and eating healthy. I want to do that much slower than I have been doing it. I tend to jump in all at once. I have an all or nothing mentality that I've talked about many times. I think it's time to try something different. Make one little change. Focus on one little thing at a time. The problem is, I don't know what to choose to focus on. There are so many things I could focus on, which would be the easiest place to start. Somewhere I would have the most success and could really turn into a long term healthy habit. I have thought about cutting sugar but I have tried that before and it always backfires on me. So maybe instead of trying to not eat something, I should try to eat something such as vegetables. I like vegetables, it is just preparing them can be a pain. I'm thinking that is where I'm going to start. Getting in 4 servings of vegetables a day. Maybe if I focus on adding things in, the bad things will naturally begin to diminish and if I add in enough good things, the bad things will dwindle to a manageable amount.
It's worth a try. At least it is somewhere to start.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Struggles and Patience
It has been stressful here to say the least. Since my surgery my I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, but mostly depressed, tired and cranky. I've thought about stopping everything all together. Stopping the blog, and just taking a step back from everything. It's been non stop pain since my miscarriage. First the miscarriage, then my grandma's death, then dealing with the weight gain, then the hemorrhaging, and recovering from surgery, now the whole family is sick, myself included. Lily was throwing up and had diarrhea on Saturday. Chloe has been sick for a week now with a cough, runny nose, some sort of head cold, which I have also come down with. So I'm trying to recover from the surgery, dealing with all sorts of emotional trauma, suffering from extreme exhaustion and now I've got a bad cold. I've been kept up coughing most nights, and what nights I'm not coughing, the kids get me up because they are also sick. Chloe then starts complaining about things she has imagined up in her sleep, like how her bracelets are no longer on the door knob. She totally freaked out at 1am because she thought her bracelets got moved. But they were exactly where she left them and once she saw they were there, she moved onto the next thing she imagined up. And this continued for over an hour. It was awful. I think I'm on the back side of this thing, but I'm still not back to normal and to top it off I've been having a lot of uterine pain today. Whenever I stand up I've been hurting. It's not cramps, but some other pain. It might be from the constant coughing. Last night I was in a lot of pain because I was coughing so much it was making the spot where I have my scar from my C-section hurt.
Despite all this, I have started exercising again. Just an easy 30 minute exercise. I started the Couch to 5k program with an app from ZenLabs. I feel better just getting a little bit of easy exercise in, like I'm actually doing something. At the same time it is depressing to see how much I have deteriorated because of the medical issues I've been having. I used to be able to exercise 2 hours a day and now I can barely last 30 minutes. The weight is weighing me down. I feel it everywhere and it feels heavy on my body. We are going skiing this weekend and for the second time I will have to sit out because I'm too fat and out of shape to go skiing. None of my ski clothes fit and I don't think I could last through the physical demands of skiing. Combine that with still recovering from my three month miscarriage and surgery and it's just not a good idea. I was planning on sitting out the ski season this year, but I was supposed to be pregnant. Sitting out the ski season and not being pregnant is a huge blow.
One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is patience, of which I have none. Perhaps this trial is to teach me patience. I want what I want and I want it now. Waiting is difficult for me. From my research and studies, patience seems to have three components to it, or can be applied/interpreted in three different ways.
1. Patience is the ability to put our desires on hold for a time.
This is your basic, waiting for what you want. I can apply this to eating by this thought. Can I be patient enough to put my desire for a cookie on hold until a time when it is more appropriate to eat that cookie. Instead of eating 20 cookies all at once, can I be patient and eat one cookie every 20 days.
2. Patience is actively working towards worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results do not appear instantly or without effort.
This one hits home for me. I want to start working on losing weight, and I want to see results and be at the finish line NOW, not a year from now. And when I go a few days and the scale is up or hasn't changed then I get discouraged and upset. Having patience to endure the weight loss journey and to persevere when things don't appear to be going as you would like, and continue to work and problem solve and not give up is one of the most challenging aspects of losing weight.
3. Patience is enduring well
This one I relate to my trials and problems. How well can I endure trial by fire? Through this very difficult challenge that has lasted over three months now I am not sure I have endured very well or very patiently. I wanted it over fast, and to move on. Instead it built and lingered and I've become more depressed and I want to cry out to God and ask why am I still dealing with these problems? Why did I have to start hemorrhaging three months after my miscarriage, why did I have to have a miscarriage in the first place? haven't I been through enough, why is the whole family sick including myself, making it even more difficult to heal, sleep, and now I have super cranky kids and I'm super cranky!
As much as I have been kicking at the pricks I have also tried to get through this with some semblance of normalcy. I continue to do reading lessons with the kids, and I've tried to keep our daily scripture study going. I have been studying my scriptures daily, and I have been trying to take the kids out to fun places and continue doing things with them. It's been hard and I feel like I'm stumbling along.
Last night I was reading in the book of Mormon (because I am Mormon and I study the Book of Mormon) and one of the verses really stood out to me. In this verse one of the prophets, Alma, is preaching to the members of the church. Much like Paul in the New Testament preaching to members of the church (such as the book of Corinthians and Romans) Anyway, Alma says this
"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive." Alma 7:23
Patient and long suffering. It seems to be the theme that I keep stumbling upon. So, that is the attribute I am going to work on developing. If we get pregnant again in the next few months I am going to have a major Hiatus in my weight loss efforts. Can I be patient enough to endure that without going overboard and ending up at the same weight I was when Chloe was born? Can I be patient enough to wait and endure and just eat what is good for me, but not go extreme with severely restricting my calories. Find the balance, and let the time go by. The necessary time to reach a healthy weight, going slow so that I don't turn back to binging. Going slow so that I don't feel like I'm dieting and then I am 'on plan' or 'off plan'. Instead, I just eat the way I eat. Change habits, and if it takes 5 years then so be it. That is the kind of patience I need to have. The kind that lets go of the obsessive need to lose weight and shifts my focus onto better things, like feeling better, and teaching my kids. I need to be "temperate in all things" and remember my blessings and be thankful for the things that I do have. Like my two girls and my great Husband and my house and the fact that I am still alive today to be here for my kids.
Patience....that is not an easy attribute to develop.
(My points about patience were taken from this talk:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng
Despite all this, I have started exercising again. Just an easy 30 minute exercise. I started the Couch to 5k program with an app from ZenLabs. I feel better just getting a little bit of easy exercise in, like I'm actually doing something. At the same time it is depressing to see how much I have deteriorated because of the medical issues I've been having. I used to be able to exercise 2 hours a day and now I can barely last 30 minutes. The weight is weighing me down. I feel it everywhere and it feels heavy on my body. We are going skiing this weekend and for the second time I will have to sit out because I'm too fat and out of shape to go skiing. None of my ski clothes fit and I don't think I could last through the physical demands of skiing. Combine that with still recovering from my three month miscarriage and surgery and it's just not a good idea. I was planning on sitting out the ski season this year, but I was supposed to be pregnant. Sitting out the ski season and not being pregnant is a huge blow.
One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is patience, of which I have none. Perhaps this trial is to teach me patience. I want what I want and I want it now. Waiting is difficult for me. From my research and studies, patience seems to have three components to it, or can be applied/interpreted in three different ways.
1. Patience is the ability to put our desires on hold for a time.
This is your basic, waiting for what you want. I can apply this to eating by this thought. Can I be patient enough to put my desire for a cookie on hold until a time when it is more appropriate to eat that cookie. Instead of eating 20 cookies all at once, can I be patient and eat one cookie every 20 days.
2. Patience is actively working towards worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results do not appear instantly or without effort.
This one hits home for me. I want to start working on losing weight, and I want to see results and be at the finish line NOW, not a year from now. And when I go a few days and the scale is up or hasn't changed then I get discouraged and upset. Having patience to endure the weight loss journey and to persevere when things don't appear to be going as you would like, and continue to work and problem solve and not give up is one of the most challenging aspects of losing weight.
3. Patience is enduring well
This one I relate to my trials and problems. How well can I endure trial by fire? Through this very difficult challenge that has lasted over three months now I am not sure I have endured very well or very patiently. I wanted it over fast, and to move on. Instead it built and lingered and I've become more depressed and I want to cry out to God and ask why am I still dealing with these problems? Why did I have to start hemorrhaging three months after my miscarriage, why did I have to have a miscarriage in the first place? haven't I been through enough, why is the whole family sick including myself, making it even more difficult to heal, sleep, and now I have super cranky kids and I'm super cranky!
As much as I have been kicking at the pricks I have also tried to get through this with some semblance of normalcy. I continue to do reading lessons with the kids, and I've tried to keep our daily scripture study going. I have been studying my scriptures daily, and I have been trying to take the kids out to fun places and continue doing things with them. It's been hard and I feel like I'm stumbling along.
Last night I was reading in the book of Mormon (because I am Mormon and I study the Book of Mormon) and one of the verses really stood out to me. In this verse one of the prophets, Alma, is preaching to the members of the church. Much like Paul in the New Testament preaching to members of the church (such as the book of Corinthians and Romans) Anyway, Alma says this
"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive." Alma 7:23
Patient and long suffering. It seems to be the theme that I keep stumbling upon. So, that is the attribute I am going to work on developing. If we get pregnant again in the next few months I am going to have a major Hiatus in my weight loss efforts. Can I be patient enough to endure that without going overboard and ending up at the same weight I was when Chloe was born? Can I be patient enough to wait and endure and just eat what is good for me, but not go extreme with severely restricting my calories. Find the balance, and let the time go by. The necessary time to reach a healthy weight, going slow so that I don't turn back to binging. Going slow so that I don't feel like I'm dieting and then I am 'on plan' or 'off plan'. Instead, I just eat the way I eat. Change habits, and if it takes 5 years then so be it. That is the kind of patience I need to have. The kind that lets go of the obsessive need to lose weight and shifts my focus onto better things, like feeling better, and teaching my kids. I need to be "temperate in all things" and remember my blessings and be thankful for the things that I do have. Like my two girls and my great Husband and my house and the fact that I am still alive today to be here for my kids.
Patience....that is not an easy attribute to develop.
(My points about patience were taken from this talk:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Feelin Good
Today was the successful completion of day 3. I've felt a lot better over the past few days and I think its because of the surgery. I think that when the fetal tissue was retained, and my hormones were all out of wack it was really messing me up. I just didn't care about anything. Now I know that I have a certain amount of responsibility for my actions over the past several months, but I really do think my hormones had a hand in my mood and emotions over the past three months.
Yesterday I was worried about the afternoon because I was going to be eating late. Lily had a dental appointment at 5:10pm and I wouldn't be eating until 6:30 or later. I was worried about going that long without food and ending up in a state of "I don't care, I am just so hungry!" And since my father in law is our dentist we went over to their house for dinner. They have lots of chips and so that was a minefield I had to maneuver. Fortunately for me they also had bananas on the counter and I chose to eat a banana over stuffing myself with chips. Matt's mom made an amazing meal with bbq ribs and mashed potatoes and vegetables. I tracked everything in MFP as best I could and I ended up under by about 50 calories for the day. I'm basically trying to copy what Katie did. I know that everyone is different and it might not work for me as well, but then again it might. I've never taken such a casual approach to tracking, where I really try to listen to my body (with a little help from tracking) and allow my calorie variation to fluctuate where if I'm not too hungry one day, then I can eat fewer calories and if I am more hungry another day I can eat a little more and one day a week allow myself to even hit 2000+ calories allowing myself flexibility in eating out without going overboard. Usually when I would eat out I wouldn't track calories at all and I'm sure my meal alone ended up being over 2k calories. Giving myself even 750-800 calories to eat out gives me a lot more menu choices but then keeps things in perspective and I still feel like I am getting a treat.
Some other things that are different this time around is that I am not snacking inbetween meals. I really like what Katie said, where not snacking allows her to have higher calorie meals so she can eat more or use better quality ingredients like heavy whipping cream, and full fat dairy (although I generally tend to avoid dairy these days, the same principles apply). The last few days I have been eating chips every day. I really love chips and I bought some individual to go bags from Costco so they are already portioned out and I don't have to worry about counting them out of a big bag and then feeling sad that I can only have so many chips. This way I get to eat a whole bag of chips! I haven't had dessert the past few days. I haven't wanted any, and that is probably due in some part to all the binging on sweets I've been doing lately. Today was the first day that I really wanted something sweet after dinner and I decided to write a blog post first and now I'm not really interested in eating anything. Today I ended up about 85 calories over and that's pretty good. I'm going to take another leaf from Katie and not let the red numbers bother me. She figured out what number of calories worked for her, and I am going to have to figure out the same thing. I was shocked when she stated on her blog that she is eating about 1900 calories a day for maintenance and MFP told her to eat only 1500 a day for maintenance. Just goes to show you how much those calorie trackers don't know about each individual. (However I do believe that Katie runs five days a week and does not add exercise calories back into the equation) So that is another thing to think about. For Katie's full story visit her blog at www.runsforcookies.com
Just in the past three days I have gone from 166 to 164. I know it's probably just food and water weight, but it is still good to see. I think I can get a good streak going again. I really want to get a good streak going and figure something out before I get pregnant again just so that I can make sure I am eating right during my pregnancy. (whenever we decide to try again, after recent events I'm a little apprehensive about it).
So here is to the third good day in a row. As Joy says from Inside out "We are going to have a good day which turns into a good week which turns into a good year, which turns into a good life!"
Yesterday I was worried about the afternoon because I was going to be eating late. Lily had a dental appointment at 5:10pm and I wouldn't be eating until 6:30 or later. I was worried about going that long without food and ending up in a state of "I don't care, I am just so hungry!" And since my father in law is our dentist we went over to their house for dinner. They have lots of chips and so that was a minefield I had to maneuver. Fortunately for me they also had bananas on the counter and I chose to eat a banana over stuffing myself with chips. Matt's mom made an amazing meal with bbq ribs and mashed potatoes and vegetables. I tracked everything in MFP as best I could and I ended up under by about 50 calories for the day. I'm basically trying to copy what Katie did. I know that everyone is different and it might not work for me as well, but then again it might. I've never taken such a casual approach to tracking, where I really try to listen to my body (with a little help from tracking) and allow my calorie variation to fluctuate where if I'm not too hungry one day, then I can eat fewer calories and if I am more hungry another day I can eat a little more and one day a week allow myself to even hit 2000+ calories allowing myself flexibility in eating out without going overboard. Usually when I would eat out I wouldn't track calories at all and I'm sure my meal alone ended up being over 2k calories. Giving myself even 750-800 calories to eat out gives me a lot more menu choices but then keeps things in perspective and I still feel like I am getting a treat.
Some other things that are different this time around is that I am not snacking inbetween meals. I really like what Katie said, where not snacking allows her to have higher calorie meals so she can eat more or use better quality ingredients like heavy whipping cream, and full fat dairy (although I generally tend to avoid dairy these days, the same principles apply). The last few days I have been eating chips every day. I really love chips and I bought some individual to go bags from Costco so they are already portioned out and I don't have to worry about counting them out of a big bag and then feeling sad that I can only have so many chips. This way I get to eat a whole bag of chips! I haven't had dessert the past few days. I haven't wanted any, and that is probably due in some part to all the binging on sweets I've been doing lately. Today was the first day that I really wanted something sweet after dinner and I decided to write a blog post first and now I'm not really interested in eating anything. Today I ended up about 85 calories over and that's pretty good. I'm going to take another leaf from Katie and not let the red numbers bother me. She figured out what number of calories worked for her, and I am going to have to figure out the same thing. I was shocked when she stated on her blog that she is eating about 1900 calories a day for maintenance and MFP told her to eat only 1500 a day for maintenance. Just goes to show you how much those calorie trackers don't know about each individual. (However I do believe that Katie runs five days a week and does not add exercise calories back into the equation) So that is another thing to think about. For Katie's full story visit her blog at www.runsforcookies.com
Just in the past three days I have gone from 166 to 164. I know it's probably just food and water weight, but it is still good to see. I think I can get a good streak going again. I really want to get a good streak going and figure something out before I get pregnant again just so that I can make sure I am eating right during my pregnancy. (whenever we decide to try again, after recent events I'm a little apprehensive about it).
So here is to the third good day in a row. As Joy says from Inside out "We are going to have a good day which turns into a good week which turns into a good year, which turns into a good life!"
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Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Making Plans
So after deciding that I have no one to blame but myself, I thought about how I can go about to remedy the problem. The first step in fixing the problem is realizing and admitting that it is a problem. What I realized was that ever since I decided to be a stay at home mom, I have been lacking a schedule. All my life I have had a schedule to abide by which was given me by outside sources. School, or work. But once I became a stay at home mom, no one gave me a schedule to adhere to and I became lazier and lazier because I really didn't have to do anything. Now, I know I have accomplished a lot over the past 5 years and it's not like I neglected my kids, I just know in hindsight that I could have done better. But I have five years of experience now that I didn't have then. And I know a thing or two now that I didn't know then. But something that has been missing from my life is a schedule, and there is no one to come up with it but me. So I've decided that before I go to bed at night I will write out a schedule for the next few days. It has times on it, but that is more to keep me on track vs being very rigid. Last night I wrote out this schedule for today:
7-8: morning, breakfast, teeth brush, etc
8:30- kids bath
9:30 scripture study
10:30- drop off kids, go to grocery store
12:00- lunch, flute, nap
2:30 pick up kids
3:00- chloe reading lesson, lily activity pack
4-5:30 movie
5:30 dinner
6:30-chloe bed
While the day didn't adhere strictly to the schedule, the kids ate breakfast and I gave them a bath, then we did scripture study and I dropped the kids off at a friends house who had volunteered to watch them for me for a couple of hours. I ended up playing my flute later in the day and I decided to play a game instead of taking a nap. The kids watched a movie later in the evening and dinner didn't happen until 6:15. But in essence, I was able to do everything on the list, and I feel more accomplished today. It's a good start. I already have tomorrow planned and when I'm done posting I will plan out Thursday. I am usually more optimistic in my planning because I plan things that I emotionally want to do, even if I fell tired the next day hopefully I will stick to the schedule. I just need to give it a good effort and stick with it. Katie has been really inspiring about sticking with things that you start long enough to see them have an effect. It takes hard work and dedication, and things can be tweaked if need be but you can't see the results unless you stick with it long enough to see results.
In that same line, I have decided to sort of copy what Katie did to lose the weight. I like how she talked about giving herself enough freedom so she didn't feel deprived, or restricted. I also like the not eating snacks inbetween meals which allows her to eat more for her meals. I think the fewer times I have to be around food and eating food the better. Unlike a drug addict, I can't just quit eating. Today I feel like I did a good job of eating slower to allow myself time to digest so I wasn't still hungry when I finished eating.
Even through the bumps in the road today, I managed to stay on track. Tomorrow brings about a whole new set of challenges, but I think I am up to the task.
7-8: morning, breakfast, teeth brush, etc
8:30- kids bath
9:30 scripture study
10:30- drop off kids, go to grocery store
12:00- lunch, flute, nap
2:30 pick up kids
3:00- chloe reading lesson, lily activity pack
4-5:30 movie
5:30 dinner
6:30-chloe bed
While the day didn't adhere strictly to the schedule, the kids ate breakfast and I gave them a bath, then we did scripture study and I dropped the kids off at a friends house who had volunteered to watch them for me for a couple of hours. I ended up playing my flute later in the day and I decided to play a game instead of taking a nap. The kids watched a movie later in the evening and dinner didn't happen until 6:15. But in essence, I was able to do everything on the list, and I feel more accomplished today. It's a good start. I already have tomorrow planned and when I'm done posting I will plan out Thursday. I am usually more optimistic in my planning because I plan things that I emotionally want to do, even if I fell tired the next day hopefully I will stick to the schedule. I just need to give it a good effort and stick with it. Katie has been really inspiring about sticking with things that you start long enough to see them have an effect. It takes hard work and dedication, and things can be tweaked if need be but you can't see the results unless you stick with it long enough to see results.
In that same line, I have decided to sort of copy what Katie did to lose the weight. I like how she talked about giving herself enough freedom so she didn't feel deprived, or restricted. I also like the not eating snacks inbetween meals which allows her to eat more for her meals. I think the fewer times I have to be around food and eating food the better. Unlike a drug addict, I can't just quit eating. Today I feel like I did a good job of eating slower to allow myself time to digest so I wasn't still hungry when I finished eating.
Even through the bumps in the road today, I managed to stay on track. Tomorrow brings about a whole new set of challenges, but I think I am up to the task.
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