Monday, September 22, 2014

Emotional Pain

This last weekend I went out into the mountains with my family and we had a great time.  It was a much needed vacation and it was nice to be unplugged from all of the electronics, we didn't have any internet or cell phone service and we walked and hiked around with the kids, and played all day for two days.  We saw the Aspen changing colors and enjoyed the weather.  Pippin ran around like crazy and wore himself out and got so dirty that I had to wash him as soon as we got home.  He needed to be groomed to, so I decided to go ahead and groom him (I don't take him into the groomers I groom him myself :-) 
He had so many stickers on him from running through the weeds that the only way I could get them out was to give him a haircut, so it worked out well.
Isn't he such a cute little poodle?!  He is one bundle of energy that is for sure, not right now though, he's tired from the past two days ;-)

However, when we got home today we decided to eat pizza with the family and we were all having a good time and I was thoroughly enjoying my favorite pizza in all the universe: Hawaiian Pizza when one of my family members said something to me, and I'm not going to say which one, that really hurt and totally threw me off for the rest of the day, and now I am persevering on it.  The stupid thing is, I know they didn't think before they said it, and I'm not entirely sure it was meant to be insulting or hurtful, probably just an observation.  They said "Wow, Jenna I'm surprised you are eating so much food."  And just like that, they shot an arrow through my heart and all the joy was taken out of the day and the sun seemed to shine a little dimmer.  I was suddenly very self conscious of exactly how much I was eating and realized that really I shouldn't be eating pizza, nevermind that I haven't eaten pizza in about three months, and oh crap what was I doing and how am I going to make up for it later?  I'm eating a lot of food?  really?  Good grief how much food do they think I am supposed to be eating!  Do you want to know how many slices I ate: 3 that's how many.  I was contemplating having one more slice but there was no way in hell I was going to eat another slice after that comment.  The rest of the day I was freaking out about what to eat for dinner, since I ate so much food at lunch time I settled on a meal replacement shake.  The problem was, that wasn't what I really wanted, and I was moderately hungry again after my bountiful lunch of three pizza slices (and these were not huge slices, just regular sized slices, not like the large individual size pieces you can buy at different pizza places).  So after eating my meal replacement shake I was feeling miserable about myself and hungry, and that led to binging on cookies.  Fortunately I decided to make the small package that I had in the basement, it is a snack size pack, unfortunately it is still very high in calories when you eat the whole pack (minus four cookies I gave to the kids).  It only made one sheet of cookies.

So here I am feeling like a complete and utter failure, having once again binged and being shot down by some stupid comment someone said to me, made all the worse because it was someone close to me who said it.  Why are they noticing how much I'm eating anyway?  I'm trying to look on the bright side.  For instance, I didn't just throw the rest of the day away after I ate the cookies and eat as much as I possibly could.  But I'm feeling pretty small and pathetic and awful right now and I'm finding it hard to focus on the positive changes that I have made over the past month and my brain has gone right back to berating myself for gaining the weight I have over the past few weeks and I start to doubt myself, and wonder if this is something that I really can do, can I make these changes, can I really learn to live a healthy lifestyle or will I revert back to old ways as soon as I am "off" my diet?  Have I just been dieting this whole time?  That is what the past four weeks have been about, trying to break with that diet mentality and learn to really embrace a new life.  The thing is, this isn't the first time this person has made comments like that these past several weeks.  So I start thinking that maybe what I am doing is wrong, but maybe they are just afraid that I will revert back to my old self and they don't want that for me.  I don't want that for me.  I can't go back, I have to keep going forward, but today I feel very low.

1 comment:

  1. I'll be praying for you. Often we think that our "diets" aren't worthy of prayer, but I spend so much time focusing on mine... I need to pray about it. Jenna I have had my feelings hurt recently too, a co-worker commented that if I continue to eat like this, I’ll gain all my weight back. You are totally capable of accomplishing your goals, and don’t let a few cookies define who you are or what you want to become. I have felt guilty and ashamed because I make lofty goals and then don’t follow through; this is an awful feeling of anxiety for me. You are courageous for sharing your struggles because so many of us can relate, I too watch peoples eating habits, I too have a desire to be a better mother/wife, I too want to be physical fit (secretly “skinny”), I long for a greater relationship with God, and I too set long term goals that are nearly impossible for me keep…and then I beat myself up…You’re not alone!