Tap and Ballet

While I have still been out of the game over the past few days, I have still been busy.  I have been eating more for sure and not tracking which is never a good thing for me, but yesterday I did Zumba and then I made sure to do my brick workout for my triathlon which was a 40 minute bike ride and a 10 minute run.  Today I was supposed to go for an outside run but I started feeling really sick about an hour before my run and I haven't quite felt better all evening.  I hope that I will feel better tomorrow.  Chloe had some (I hesitate to call it throw up because it was such a minimal amount, but it wasn't spit up, just enough to smell bad and need a change of clothes) and I wonder if whatever was bothering her yesterday was bothering me today.  Chloe was a pill today.  We had to go grocery shopping and we went out to get Lily her dance shoes and clothes.  Chloe threw two massive temper tantrums in the shoe store and then the clothing store.  I've never seen her act that way in public before.  Usually her temper tantrums happen at home so I was kind of at a loss for what to do.  I can't exactly put her in her room and let her cry it out when we are in the middle of the store.  Fortunately (or maybe not fortunately) those were both small stores and there wasn't really anyone in there except us and the people who worked there since we went right when they opened. 

We put Lily in a Tap/Ballet class and I am so excited we can afford to put her in something like that now.  Chloe is too young, as it requires her to be 3 years old to start, so next year she can do it too.  Lily was so incredibly excited to get her shoes and her outfit.  She went to class yesterday to try it out and make sure it was what she wanted to do (since the class would be different from what she had been doing the past 12 weeks). 

Since I didn't do my run today, I have a choice tomorrow of going to Zumba and doing my last swim for the week or ditching Zumba and doing my run and swim for my triathlon training.  I'm not sure right now what I want to do, but if I still feel sick tomorrow I will probably just do Zumba.  Chloe might not have been feeling well still today which could be the cause of the tantrums.  She is sick all the time it seems.  I can't wait to start Juice Plus and hopefully that will help her get healthy and stay healthy.  My In Laws are in love with Juice Plus and they sell it so we will be getting it from them.  They keep telling us how you hardly ever get sick if you take it (and they have gummies for the kids).  This last winter has been so terrible with being sick that I'm desperate enough to spend the money to try it.  It seems Chloe has been sick with one thing right after the other for almost a solid 6 months. 

Matt came home and decided we were eating out for dinner, and then when Lily didn't want to eat and he saw how Chloe was behaving he decided we were not eating out, so when I put Chloe to bed at 5:30pm (way early for her but she didn't nap and she was so miserable) he goes "So what are you making for dinner?" I told him he could make dinner.  We ended up ordering Chinese Food.  I ordered the Mu Shu Pork which has a lot of cabbage in it so I like to think it's healthier.  I didn't eat all of it which is a good sign.  In the old days or when I just feel like stuffing myself I would eat all of it no matter how full I was. 

Right now I just feel tired and my stomach is queasy and I'm super bloated.  Yuck, so I'm headed to bed (even though I just spent the last hour lying down with the kids! Yeah, something needs to change around her, this constant sickness thing... I'm so done with it). 

Weekend Vacation

We had a great weekend vacation, I wish we could get away more.  It's about four hours out to the Ranch, and that is a bit long for the kids so there is inevitably always fussing.  Usually we can get the kids to sleep for about half of it.  Chloe woke up way too early on the drive out though and had a bit of a fit.  Turns out she was just really hungry because she hadn't eaten much earlier in the day and it was getting pretty late.  We usually eat dinner around 5:30 and it was coming up on 7pm.  She munched on the bag of Munchies Cheese Fix that I had brought (whenever we go on vacation and have to ride in the car a long time I always crave two things: Munchies Cheese Fix and Beef Jerky.  I never eat those things any other time.)  She was feeling much better after she downed half the bag, no big surprise then that she didn't eat much of her actual dinner.  We always stop at this little Thai place that is along the way and I always get the pad Thai.  It's the best I've ever had.  It's kind of weird because the food changes every time we go there.  Sometimes the noodles are thin, sometimes wide, sometimes it's spicy and sometimes not spicy at all.  The kids always get chicken fingers and the chicken and the french fries change too.  It's really weird, but the food is always great. 

We arrived at the ranch fairly late, it was almost 9pm and the kids got to bed around 10:30, that definitely put a damper on the rest of the trip because that made them very tired.  Despite that they were up and ready to go the next day at 6:30.  They love hiking around, Lily picks up rocks and stacks them on top of each other.  She calls them her cities.  Chloe picks up rocks and pine cones and sticks.  They were pretending they were fishing poles.  Chloe also stopped at every single poop she found, which was a lot because my in-laws allow cows to graze on the property (for the tax deduction) so poop is everywhere.  I've never seen a kid so fascinated by poop as Chloe is.  Saturday was the big day for being active.  I went on several walks with the kids and then late morning My Father in Law and I went for an open water swim to train for our triathlon!

The water was in the mid 60s and my hands and feet were a little chill.  Putting my face in the water at first was definitely a shock but I was toasty warm in my super awesome triathlon wetsuit!  The water was really high from all the rain we have been having and it was full of debris.  I had to keep spitting out little sticks and junk that was kind of gross, but I grew up boating at Pueblo Reservoir so it didn't really bother me much.  I forgot how the water temperature is spotty,  Warm in some places and cold in others.  It really took me back to my childhood.  I loved swimming in the lake.

Later that day, after getting some rest and some lunch and walking around more with the kids, we went on a mountain bike ride!  We biked about 7 miles and it took a little over an hour.  It took 50 minutes to get to the top which was about 3.5 miles.  I'm thinking that as far as a time goal for the tri that it would be 30 mintues for the swim, 1 hour for the bike and 30 minutes for the run totaling 2 hours as a goal time... But that doesn't include transition times.  I'm not really sure what to have as an overall goal since I've never done one before.

Sunday was a much more relaxed day, we rode the ATVs more that day and did less hiking.  Everyone was pretty tired on Sunday and we came home that evening.  I was trying to keep the kids awake until we got in the car but failed.  Which meant that the kids were awake for the car ride home and that was more frustrating, I was really hoping they would sleep the whole way back. 

Yesterday was a rest day, I didn't even get to the gym.  The kids were all out of wack from the weekend.  My eating yesterday was terrible.  I've been having a rough two weeks with eating, so I know that when I weigh in on Saturday I will be up.  Which stinks since I've stuck to my training schedule.  It seems like it is always so incredibly easy to gain weight and so hard to lose weight.  The past 5 weeks I have had a weekly calorie defaecate of about 7,500 calories and I have only been losing one pound or less a week!  That should be enough for a 2 pound loss.  And then if you overeat for three days you've gained five pounds!  It's stupid and I hate it.  I hate the whole thing, it's cruel and unusual punishment if you ask me.  

But enough of that.  I am working to get back on track with my eating.  Today was better, but not perfect.  I did run for 45 minutes today, my longest run ever and I felt really good, despite my bad eating day yesterday and for the past two weeks.  Tomorrow will be Zumba and I have to get a swim in as well. 

Twisted thinking

Yesterday I was still feeling pretty tired.  I did make it to Zumba and that is the only workout I did.  I wasn't quite as energetic as usual and I only burned 394 calories, about 100 calories less than usual.  My eating was much better, and I ended the day around 1600 calories.  I was really tempted to snack late at night because Matt and Lily were getting something to eat.  I caved in a little and had about 90 calories worth of snacks.  This morning I woke up with a headache but after breakfast I was feeling much better.  I felt much more alive today than I have over the past four days. 

Today at the gym I did my second brick workout which is where you bike and then run (nicknamed brick workouts because your legs feel like bricks once you get off the bike and start the run).  I felt pretty good, but I was having trouble keeping my heart rate up on the bike.  It is always harder for me to keep going at a certain speed when I have to manually keep pace (like with the bike or elliptical).  I was a bit more tired doing the run today than the last time I did a brick workout but I figure it's probably because I'm still recovering from whatever was going on earlier this week.  After my brick workout I swam 1400 yards.  I had to double up workouts today and I will have to run and swim tomorrow to get all my workouts in this week.  I felt pretty good, better than I have for a while.  After my workout I took the kids to the pool and we played for a little over an hour. 

I didn't eat too well for lunch and afterwards, but I still didn't go over 1600 calories today.  I just didn't feel like eating anything at lunch time so I only ate a string cheese and a yogurt.  But then I got really hungry around 4:00 and I snacked a little bit until I just decided to make myself some eggs. 

I'm still working on my mental self image and trying to beat down the mean self criticizing talk in my head.  I have been really hard on myself this past week.  It's really hard to not focus on how far I still have to go and what I don't like about the way I look.  Here is a real mind twister for you.  I feel fatter but my clothes feel looser.  Crazy no?  Why is our own image of ourselves so warped?  I have just been feeling really jiggly.  It's been a very hard week and I haven't been on track for the first half of it. 

We are finally leaving on our vacation tomorrow that we were supposed to go on three weeks ago so this will be my last post until probably Tuesday.  Sorry it's not the best post, my brain is feeling all muddled, but I wanted to put something up before I head out tomorrow. 

Hitting the Wall

After Saturday I woke up utterly exhausted on Sunday and pretty cranky.  I was so tired, all I wanted to do was sleep and I was not dealing with the daily stresses very well.  Getting the kids bathed and ready for church (Chloe screamed all through her bath) and the whole day I just felt tired.  I did not do well on Sunday.  I ate poorly and said that tomorrow I would get back on track.  I really tried on Monday.  I went to the gym like usual but I just didn't have the energy I usually do.  I only made it through 30 minutes of my 40 minute run and in Zumba toning I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was running through mud and my Zumba workout was anything but enthusiastic.  I was so tired, my body was demanding rest.  I tried to rest when I got home, having decided that I have pushed myself as far as my body will let me go and that I just need a break.  But having two small kids at home often throws a wrench in any plans to rest.  The stress was too much, and I was feeling very depressed.  So after lunch I ate poorly again.  I didn't see Matt at all on Monday or Tuesday, he left for work before everyone got up and came home after everyone went to bed.  I was doing so well, and feeling so good that feeling so exhausted totally caught me off guard, but after 5 weeks of pushing myself and training for this triathlon, I felt like my body just quit working.  Or maybe I was getting sick who knows.  My head hurt, and I felt dizzy every time I stood up.  Monday night Lily went to bed at 7:30.  Chloe having taken a nap earlier was not going to bed any time soon, so I gave her the IPAD which she rarely gets to play and then we rested on the couch together.  I couldn't hardly open my eyes after Lily went to bed I was so tired. 

Tuesday was a little better.  We went to the Zoo in the morning.  The girls were so excited to go, it has been raining like crazy for over a month so we haven't been able to get outside much lately.  We were able to see an African bird presentation which the kids loved, and also the Lion presentation.  Lily was running downhill and tripped and skinned both her knees and her hands.  I felt so bad for her.  She was having so much fun.  Lily, being sensitive to pain like me, was of course going crazy.  I knew that I had to do something or we would just have to go home.  Since she conveniently skinned her knees right next to one of the concessions stands I decided to get the kids some soft serve Ice Cream.  I have never bought food at the zoo in the three years I've been taking the kids there so I figured it was okay.

It worked, and we were able to stay at the zoo for a few more hours after that (she fell down pretty close to the beginning, about 20 minutes after we got there).  We arrived home around 1:30pm and I had expended all my energy.  The kids were pretty tired too so they watched a movie.  The rest of the day we just hung around the house and I decided not to go to the gym so I could recover.  I didn't have the energy to exercise at the gym anyway. 

One of the mistakes I made on Monday was that I wanted to do a two week challenge where I would continue on my workout schedule but I wanted to eat only 1400 calories a day for two weeks, not weigh in this week and weigh in the week after to try and boost my weight loss.  I wanted to get down to 147 which would be a pound and a half a week.  That idea didn't last long.  You think I would have learned my lesson by now.  Every time I think about really restricting my calories to speed up weight loss I mentally freak out and almost inevitably I will eat poorly for the next few days.  I should just do my best and accept my weight loss as it comes off.  I'm not in a plateau so I shouldn't be trying to speed things up.  It is really hard to wait and to go this slow and to look in the mirror and know I'm working so hard but I still have so much fat on my body.  I've only been doing this for five weeks but it feels like forever.  Weight loss has a way of warping time.  Your mental projection and reality don't always match. 

It is better for me to lose one pound a week than to fall off track and struggle to get back on.  In order to get back on this time around I did a slow progression.  Sunday was a really bad eating day, Monday was pretty bad but not as bad as Sunday, Tuesday was better than Monday, and today I'm actually feeling better.  I'm just doing Zumba today (because I love Wednesday morning Zumba class and I am feeling better) and I am planning on staying within my calorie range and allowing myself to eat my workout calories.  Allowing myself to eat my workout calories takes a lot of stress off of me.  I usually don't eat all my workout calories anyway, but if I say "I'm going to exercise but not eat any extra calories" I just get really nervous.  I don't know why I keep trying to do that.  But I've learned my lesson this time!  Keep the focus on making healthy choices and doing the best I can. 

A New Dream

I feel like the past few days have just flown by!  I've been working hard all week, eating well, and also trying to catch up on sleep from when the kids were sick.  We haven't quite gotten back on schedule with everything yet but we are almost there. 

Several months ago I wrote a post about a nightmare I always have every time I start a diet.  The setting may be different but the dream is always the same: I eat desserts uncontrollably and feel awful that I blew my diet.  A few days ago I had a new dream for the very first time.  It was a simple dream where I was presented with a similar situation but this time I took a few bites of a dessert and then didn't eat anymore.  I was in control, and confident.  I don't usually put a lot of stock in dreams but I think this is a good representation of my attitude and how I have changed over the past several weeks.  Before I was always going against the grain and forcing myself to do things I didn't want to do.  Now, I have more fully embraced a new way of life.  I love my workouts and I feel much more in control around food.

Today is weigh in day and I am 149.8!  Back in the 140s!  That is a one pound loss again.  I am happy with my progress. Slow and steady wins the race.  If I lost 1 pound every week, I would hit my goal weight in 20 weeks.  That seems like a long time from now but time will come and go and I would rather be at goal in 20 weeks than floundering around like I have been. 

Today is my 7 year anniversary!  Matt and I went on a bike ride and then went out to dinner.

It took me an hour to get to the top of the trail and 26 minutes to get down.  It was lots of fun and my favorite trail of the three mountain bike rides I have done.  We went to an Italian restaurant and I ordered the grilled salmon over some sort of pasta that I can't remember what it was called (it was a quark screw type pasta) It was fabulous and there weren't too many noodles, and no creamy sauce loaded with calories.  I think that my tolerance for high calorie food has plummeted in the past 5 weeks.  I was talking with a friend on the phone the other day and one thing I was telling her is that I always felt sick back when I was gaining weight.  I was eating whatever I wanted but I physically felt sick all the time.  Now that I have been eating better I feel so much better and I am not willing to put myself in that position again.  It really affects how I eat and what I choose.  I came home and ate three small homemade cookies and that was plenty for me, and I was even beginning to think a little too much after the way I felt.  It wasn't hard to stop, and I was happy with my treat.  I didn't think I needed more and I was quite happy. 

I have definitely changed over the past 5 weeks.  I wasn't tempted to choose a creamy pasta at all and usually at Italian restaurants that is all I look at.  I had two pieces of bread and didn't ask for more.  Usually I always ask for a second loaf of bread to dip in oil, but today I didn't, I wasn't even tempted to ask for more because I knew I had more food coming. 

I finally feel like I am starting to live life the way I always wanted to. 

A different way to measure progress

I took Lily out for a bike ride today.  It was the first time that I rode my bide with her instead of walked along the side.  It's exciting that she is good enough now that I can ride with her.  We have a big hill by our house and I have always thought that his was super steep.  I remember being 211 pounds and going up that hill, I thought I was going to die and I remember thinking how I would never be able to bike up that hill.  Today, I biked up the hill with ease and thought "what was I so worried about?  That was nothing!" 

I may not yet be at my goal weight, and the weight may not be coming off as fast as I would like it to, but I have made huge strides in my physical abilities.  Today, that hill seems small.  I have biked up bigger hills, and I work harder than that every day at the gym.  I am accomplishing amazing things.  People are starting to notice again that I'm slimming down.  I saw some people at the gym today I haven't seen in several weeks and they commented that I'm looking really good.  I know I'm building muscle and I am sure that attributes to the slower weight loss.  It's important for me to build muscle and cardiovascular endurance as well as lose weight.  It will all come together, I just have to be patient and persevere.  It is hard.  Every day is hard, but I love my exercise now.  I look forward to listening to my music and challenging myself, and becoming better.  I love the Zumba classes, and my Zumba Wii games.

My food is coming along too.  I am making healthier choices.  Even when I eat more, I eat healthier.  I was talking to my sister yesterday and noted that I cannot eat like I used to otherwise I get really sick.  It also interferes with my training workouts and I'm not willing to let those slide if I can help it.  I'm not back to where I was with my weight before I regained 15 pounds, I still have 8 more to lose before I get there, but I am doing things now that I couldn't have done then.   

I am happy with how things are going, even though I wish that when I get on the scale this Saturday it will read 148 (which it probably won't, that would be a three pound loss in one week) I have to keep in mind the other progress I am making.  I know I have decreased in size at least a little, and now I should try to forget about it for another four weeks and see where I am at the end of week 8 training.  It's hard to forget about it, and I probably won't be able to but there is so much more to focus on.

Success is the sum of small efforts

Guess Who fits back into their size 8 pants!  Well, mostly.  They are still pretty tight but not so tight that I have to unbutton the top to wear them, or that they are so uncomfortable that I can't sit down in them.  I have decreased in size a smidgen.  I need to decrease another smidgen and then they will fit comfortably.  I wore my size 8 shorts today because my others were dirty and I didn't do the laundry before I left for the gym.  So I grabbed my size 8s because it has finally decided that it isn't winter anymore and the temperatures were in the 70s today.  I even stayed well within my calorie goal and only ate about 10 of my exercise calories today.  Nothing like a tight fitting pair of pants to give you motivation to eat less.  I was busier than usual at home today, catching up with cleaning and weeding and menu planning.  All the things I haven't been able to do either because of the rain or because the kids have been sick. 

Yesterday I woke up and my back felt a whole lot better.  I was shocked at how well it felt.  It always seems that my prayers are answered faster when I'm about to give up hope.  I took yesterday as a rest day and pretty much just lied around the house.  I took a nap with the kids again and made it a point to get as much rest and relaxation as possible.  I didn't eat very much because I didn't feel very well.  I didn't track my dinner because I didn't make it, but I hardly ate anything for dinner.  About 1/4 chicken breast, some sugar free jello, some potatoes with olive oil and dill, baby carrots, and that's about it.  Before dinner I had 604 calories remaining for the day, so I'm not worried about going over.  I probably only ate about 350 calories depending on the potatoes. 

We went down to my grandparent's in the evening and when we came home around 8pm and we just went to bed.  The kids were harder to get down since they both took naps but everyone was asleep by 9:30ish.  This morning is definitely the best I've felt in a while.  I went to drop the kids off at the gym and it was a mad house!  School is out now and I've never seen so many kids there.  They have summer camps that run all through the summer.  After going through the mad house I did my first ever brick workout and I thought it was fairly easy, so I will have to push myself harder next time on the bike.  A brick workout is where you bike first and then run.  I did a 30 minute bike on the spin and then a 10 minute run at 6mph.  I burned about 450 calories in 40 minutes.  After that I went to Zumba toning and I had enough energy to make it all the way through.  After my gym workout I was feeling pretty tired.  I made a green smoothie for lunch, weeded the rocks for the first time in a month because of all the rain and cold weather we've been having, did all the laundry, swept and mopped the kitchen floors, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen and by the time I was done I was pretty tired.  I snapped this photo of me and Chloe on the couch around 5pm.

Have you ever heard the quote "Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out?"  I realized today the truth behind that.  Change happens over time through your the efforts you make every day.  Just learning a new way of life is just that, changing your way of life.  There is no going back, just because you hit a bump in the road you don't give up, you keep working, you keep moving forward, keep trying.  Every Day.