Hitting the Wall

After Saturday I woke up utterly exhausted on Sunday and pretty cranky.  I was so tired, all I wanted to do was sleep and I was not dealing with the daily stresses very well.  Getting the kids bathed and ready for church (Chloe screamed all through her bath) and the whole day I just felt tired.  I did not do well on Sunday.  I ate poorly and said that tomorrow I would get back on track.  I really tried on Monday.  I went to the gym like usual but I just didn't have the energy I usually do.  I only made it through 30 minutes of my 40 minute run and in Zumba toning I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was running through mud and my Zumba workout was anything but enthusiastic.  I was so tired, my body was demanding rest.  I tried to rest when I got home, having decided that I have pushed myself as far as my body will let me go and that I just need a break.  But having two small kids at home often throws a wrench in any plans to rest.  The stress was too much, and I was feeling very depressed.  So after lunch I ate poorly again.  I didn't see Matt at all on Monday or Tuesday, he left for work before everyone got up and came home after everyone went to bed.  I was doing so well, and feeling so good that feeling so exhausted totally caught me off guard, but after 5 weeks of pushing myself and training for this triathlon, I felt like my body just quit working.  Or maybe I was getting sick who knows.  My head hurt, and I felt dizzy every time I stood up.  Monday night Lily went to bed at 7:30.  Chloe having taken a nap earlier was not going to bed any time soon, so I gave her the IPAD which she rarely gets to play and then we rested on the couch together.  I couldn't hardly open my eyes after Lily went to bed I was so tired. 

Tuesday was a little better.  We went to the Zoo in the morning.  The girls were so excited to go, it has been raining like crazy for over a month so we haven't been able to get outside much lately.  We were able to see an African bird presentation which the kids loved, and also the Lion presentation.  Lily was running downhill and tripped and skinned both her knees and her hands.  I felt so bad for her.  She was having so much fun.  Lily, being sensitive to pain like me, was of course going crazy.  I knew that I had to do something or we would just have to go home.  Since she conveniently skinned her knees right next to one of the concessions stands I decided to get the kids some soft serve Ice Cream.  I have never bought food at the zoo in the three years I've been taking the kids there so I figured it was okay.

It worked, and we were able to stay at the zoo for a few more hours after that (she fell down pretty close to the beginning, about 20 minutes after we got there).  We arrived home around 1:30pm and I had expended all my energy.  The kids were pretty tired too so they watched a movie.  The rest of the day we just hung around the house and I decided not to go to the gym so I could recover.  I didn't have the energy to exercise at the gym anyway. 

One of the mistakes I made on Monday was that I wanted to do a two week challenge where I would continue on my workout schedule but I wanted to eat only 1400 calories a day for two weeks, not weigh in this week and weigh in the week after to try and boost my weight loss.  I wanted to get down to 147 which would be a pound and a half a week.  That idea didn't last long.  You think I would have learned my lesson by now.  Every time I think about really restricting my calories to speed up weight loss I mentally freak out and almost inevitably I will eat poorly for the next few days.  I should just do my best and accept my weight loss as it comes off.  I'm not in a plateau so I shouldn't be trying to speed things up.  It is really hard to wait and to go this slow and to look in the mirror and know I'm working so hard but I still have so much fat on my body.  I've only been doing this for five weeks but it feels like forever.  Weight loss has a way of warping time.  Your mental projection and reality don't always match. 

It is better for me to lose one pound a week than to fall off track and struggle to get back on.  In order to get back on this time around I did a slow progression.  Sunday was a really bad eating day, Monday was pretty bad but not as bad as Sunday, Tuesday was better than Monday, and today I'm actually feeling better.  I'm just doing Zumba today (because I love Wednesday morning Zumba class and I am feeling better) and I am planning on staying within my calorie range and allowing myself to eat my workout calories.  Allowing myself to eat my workout calories takes a lot of stress off of me.  I usually don't eat all my workout calories anyway, but if I say "I'm going to exercise but not eat any extra calories" I just get really nervous.  I don't know why I keep trying to do that.  But I've learned my lesson this time!  Keep the focus on making healthy choices and doing the best I can.