Digging up Emotions by the Roots

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The past few days have been pretty good.  I have definitely eaten more than I should have, but on Monday I went to Body Pump and on Tuesday I went to Body Attack and today I went to Zumba.  After Body Attack yesterday I collapsed in the chairs in the locker room for about 30 minutes.  I was so exhausted I had to take a break before I could go shower.  On Monday we had a guest teacher for Pump and I loved her, so I am going to be going to her class Tuesday mornings which means Body Attack is out for now, and I'm okay with that.  I am thinking of going to Body Flow, which is a yoga type class.  It's got meditation and flexibility training and it's supposed to be the easiest of all the yoga classes.  Thinking of trying that, or maybe I will just skip Mondays.  I'm exhausted today, I've only been getting about 6 hours of sleep the past few days.  I haven't been able to fall asleep, and I've had a really hard time yesterday and today staying out of the snack food.  I know I'm not hungry, but I want to eat so bad.  Of course it's nothing good that I want to eat.  I want comfort food: cookies, chips, etc.  I've tried to steer away but I gave in a little.  The victory here is that I didn't binge eat, and I ate moderate meals.  I was thinking today and trying to figure out why I've had such strong urges over the past few days to eat and I realized that it's emotional.  I've been digging out my deep emotions, perseverating on them actually.  I've been writing a letter, and it hasn't been pretty.  I spent a few hours on it Monday night and spent a few hours crying, and then I tried to sleep last night but couldn't so I revised the whole thing (My husband told me that if I were to ever deliver this letter that it contained too much raw emotion.  Since he is the psychologist I figured he knew what he was talking about.)  It's still not perfect, things need to be added, removed, words changed.  It's my attempt to deal with my emotional reasons for eating. 

People don't just get obese.  We are obese for a reason.  Most of us use food to comfort ourselves, to hide our feelings.  In my experience, everyone who has been obese has something in their past they are covering up with food and until you resolve those issues, until you make peace with them, you cannot find true happiness and peace with your body.  I'm trying to forgive, but I'm also tired of pretending.  I'm tired of pretending everything is okay and there are no problems.  I'm a very non confrontational person so just the thought of doing something like this mortifies me, and maybe I will chicken out and never deliver the letter, but I am afraid that if I don't then I will never be able to fully heal.  After my first attempt, I'm trying to put more good in the letter, to use more logic and appeal to their better nature, to help them understand.  There are two outcomes that I see if I were ever brave enough to deliver this letter (my husband said it would be a bad idea to be there when they were reading it due to their personality type and they need to process it for a day or so before talking to me.)  Either it will help, or it will make things worse between us.  But I think it needs to be done because I have come to realize that my happiness cannot depend on my past, and I need to put my past behind me, I need to clear the air and if they cannot accept my feelings then at least I can start to heal, and stop pretending.  I can start focusing on the future, and stop fearing the past. 

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I share this (without actually sharing any specific details) because in each individual journey, every person has their own inner demons they must deal with.  It is not easy to deal with these issues, but it is important to.  If you listen to the Half Size Me show, Heather talks a lot about relationships.  Which relationships are toxic to your health and which relationships will help you.  You are influenced by those around you, by those you listen to, by those close to you.  It's important that those close to you support you, and build you up, not tear you down. 

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I don't know a single person that enjoys digging up unpleasant feelings, but it is apart of change.  We are transforming our whole lives when we embark on a weight loss journey.  Maybe someone who has just 10 pounds to lose won't change so dramatically.  Maybe they just went through the holidays and they don't really have any issues they need to resolve.  This post isn't for that person.  It's for all of us who are or who have been obese and have struggled with our weight our whole life. 

In order to change my internal dialog, I had to change my beliefs about myself.  Negative self talk doesn't just suddenly appear.  It started somewhere, but wherever it came from YOU are in charge of your life now.  YOU are in charge of your decisions.  I spent a long time waiting around for some miracle cure, waiting for someone to come and save me but the truth was, I was the only person who could save me.  I am responsible for my own health, for my own weight.  No matter what happened in the past, I am in control now and it's up to me and no one else to do what needs to be done.

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