A Pampered Chef Show

Today was a pretty busy day despite there only being two things on my schedule.  My mom called me up in the morning asking if I could go to the gym with her, I had given her a free day pass so she could check out my new gym. (it came with my new membership)  Of course this was the only Saturday of the month I actually had something scheduled in the morning.  I ate my favorite oatmeal breakfast: oatmeal with chocolate powder, PB2, chia seeds, and some brown sugar to sweeten it up.  I would love to ditch the extra sugar but I just can't.  Sometimes I use Date Sugar which has a lower glycemic index, but it's not as sweet so of course I don't like it as much.  Sometimes I will use honey or agave, those work good too but brown sugar just has the taste I really really like.  Anyway, Lily had to go to a church primary program practice this morning and she was really moody through the whole thing.  They are doing the yearly primary program during church tomorrow so they were practicing today.  I gave Lily and Chloe goldfish through the whole thing to keep them occupied.  We ended up leaving a little early, but I didn't feel bad since Lily just has to say the first article of faith with all the other 3-4 year olds at the beginning of the program and then she is done. "We believe in God the Eternal Father and in His son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost."  And that's it.  She has it down pretty good now!  As long as she doesn't get too moody tomorrow and eats something before church she should be fine.

Anyway, after that we came home, I made a quick lunch and booked it out to my Pampered Chef show that was an hour and 15 minutes away.  This was actually a host that I had two years ago while I was pregnant with Chloe and she hadn't seen me since.  When I walked up to the door she says "I thought you were someone else you have lost so much weight!  I was thinking "did Jenna send someone else and not tell me?"  That made me feel pretty good about myself!  I've seen this host several times since some of her friends had parties with me 2 years ago as well.  And she didn't even recognize me!  There was another person there who also hosted for me two years ago and she also commented saying "wow you have lost a lot of weight! That is amazing!"  It felt really good to get some compliments and to be reminded of how far I have come, especially because I feel like I have been drug through the trenches over the past few months and I had been feeling cruddy about gaining some weight back, and some more insensitive comments some people had mentioned to me. I am still working on it though and earlier this week I weighed in at 148 so I was happy to see that.  I have no idea what my weight will be tomorrow morning.  I would be happy if it was somewhere in the 148 range.  Two days ago we had Chinese food for lunch and I ordered the "Happy Family" which is seafood and stir fried, but I also had an egg roll and fried rice, so I am not sure how that will impact my weight.  I guess we will find out tomorrow. 

Lastly, I checked out a book about vegetables for Lily to read at the library hoping that she would get excited about eating some healthier food and when we got to the radishes I remembered that we had planted radishes at the beginning of the season, now that we are headed into winter we should probably pick them so Lily and I ran outside to pick our radishes.  Some of them looked nice, but most were kind of stringy.  Nothing really grows in that planter, it doesn't have very good soil.  All our zucchini and beans were in the other planter and they did really well.

When we were done with that Lily made a bridge out of all the books

I think she has inherited some of her father's OCD tendencies.  She likes things to be in order and likes things to be a certain way.   

Hammond's Candies

I can't believe how busy the past few days have been.  I feel like I've hardly had time to breathe, let alone write a blog post.  On Wednesday we were headed up to the amusement park before it closed for the winter because we had some free tickets to go and this was the only day we could go.  Lily was so excited to go, and so was Chloe, but when we got there they were closed!  They were only open on the weekends in October, which was not what their website said when I had checked it.  The website said they were open through October 12th, so I was very unhappy.  Not as unhappy though as my kids, who proceeded to have a meltdown.  Understandable but still not desirable.  Matt and I had to strap the kids in the car and close the car doors so we could talk outside about what to do and be able to hear ourselves and think!  We were thinking about going to the Aquarium but it would have been $50 in entrance fees alone and we weren't planning on spending that kind of money that day.  After thinking of a few other options, children's museum, etc we decided to take a tour of a candy factory that wasn't far from where we were called Hammond's candies.  As we were driving over there Matt goes "I hope we aren't teaching the kids that to deal with disappointment they should eat some chocolate."  That really struck a chord with me.  We didn't originally intend to pair disappointment with candy, and we even tried to do several other things but everything is just so blasted expensive, and the tour was free.  It made me wonder how much of our emotional eating is learned behavior, passed down from our parents or modeled by society, and how much of our emotional eating is our own issues.  I want to instill good eating behaviors in my kids and teach them proper ways to deal with stress, and other emotional issues that come up through life.

We did end up having a good time on the tour, and the kids loved picking out a chocolate and seeing the hard candies being made. but it didn't quite cover the disaster that happened at the amusement park.  Matt and I had a good time because there was a really enthusiastic employer and we are both like "that has to be the skinniest person to ever work at a candy factory.  He was pretty funny though because he just comes up to Matt and says "you look like someone who likes carrot cake.  Am I right?  Here try some of this carrot cake fudge."  He was super skinny and had a rat tail, I guess you had to be there to fully appreciate it.  But while I was looking around the candy store with the kids he just comes up to me (before he was talking to Matt) and pulls a chocolate off the shelf and says "I have something you will like" and it's a chocolate bar called "Pigs and Taters" and it has bacon and potato chips in the chocolate.  I'm thinking: "Gross!"  and I'm just starring dumbfounded at this guy and he says "I can do you one better" and hands me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich flavored chocolate and I'm thinking "weird" and then he says "follow me, I have something right up your alley"  and takes me over to another chocolate stand hands me a candy bar that says "raspberry crackle candy".  It's got pop rocks in it!  I just burst out laughing because the whole thing is so rediculous, and he is going off about how his future inlaws love that candy and it's a best seller.  Anyway, it was hilarious and Matt and I laughed about the whole thing for a good long while afterwards.  For the reccord, I ended up not eating any candy,  I'm still going strong on my resolution to not eat any more desserts and candy and I feel better.  I've been sick this past week so it's really hard to tell exactly how it is affecting me.  Anyway, after the tour the kids got some free hard candy which they both enjoyed.  I'm thinking we should have given Chloe the sucker since the candy stick was rather messy.

After the candy factory we ate lunch at a park, the kids didn't eat anything and just played on the playground.  It was a really old playground and we found the craziest swing there.  I've never seen anything like it before. 

By the time we left Chloe was falling asleep in that swing and she didn't last long in the car for the drive home.  I tried to teach Lily that although we get disappointed sometimes we can find something good about the situation, so she has been saying "the water park was closed but we got to go to the candy factory".

Finding Peace

I have finally been able to make peace with the whole diet mentality.  As you probably know I have been really struggling the last few months with the whole idea of being "on a diet" or "off plan" or "on plan".  It's the whole all or nothing mentality, and it led to some really bad eating behaviors for me.  It led to binge eating where I would be really good for about 5 days and then binge for 1-2 days, and the worst being when I was good for 2-3 weeks and then I would have a week long binge or something crazy that would undo all my hard work.  I also had so many days of "eating because you ate" where I would have just a few cookies or a piece of cake or some candy and then think "well, I blew it so I might as well just go all out and make the most of this day and start all over tomorrow."  But that thinking is flawed and so wrong!  Everything you eat counts.  If you think that way, suddenly your 350 calorie piece of cake turns into a 3,000 binge for the rest of the day.  Then you have to spend the next several days working that off and of course you never know what to do with yourself afterwards.  Do you under eat to make up for it? (often leading to another binge) Do you exercise like crazy to try and make up for it? (not very practical).  And then the cycle continues.  I believe I have FINALLY been able to break out of this cycle.  Only time will tell, but I feel like I am finally at peace mentally with myself.  Right now I am focusing on making the healthiest choices I can.  I realize that before I was asking myself the wrong questions, I was asking "what do I really really want" and inevitably that was something sweet.  Instead I now ask "what will make me feel good?  What will give me the energy to get through my workouts and give me energy to play with the kids?  What is the best for my body?"  I have been working on self love and self acceptance and I have finally been able to make some breakthroughs.  I don't tell myself that I'm fat and lazy and disgusting, and unworthy now.  Now I talk to myself and to my body parts with respect.  For example I did my very first full spin class on Monday and instead of telling myself that I was fat and couldn't do it and what was I thinking for even trying and that I looked stupid with my fat thighs on the bike (all of which I would have told myself three months ago) I told myself "ok legs, this is for you, you can do this, this is going to make you strong so we can be more active with the kids and we can be stronger, lets do it!  We deserve to be strong and healthy, we are worth the effort so lets get it done!"  Oh and by the way, I look totally AWESOME on a spin bike ;-)  The instructor even said I was cute in my Zumba shirt.(instructor was female so it was okay for her to say that haha ;-) 

I liked this picture because she looks healthy whereas in a lot of the other pictures the models looked skinny:  Source

I feel better emotionally now than I did two months ago when I was 143.  Even though I am up again hovering near 150.  I have stopped my weight gain binge that I was on, and I have started to get a good workout groove going.  I know that I am going to be going to spin class monday morning followed by some running for my triathlon conditioning (I'm not going to start really training for it until maybe January).  Tuesday is still up in the air.  Today I lifted weights.  At the gym there is a spin class, yoga class, and a zumba toning class.  I am going to try the yoga class as I think that would be really great to add to my routine.  Wednesday is swimming and Zumba, Thursday is weight lifting, Friday is swimming and Zumba and Saturday is weight lifting.  I'm doing Chalean Extreme at home again for my weight lifting since I don't really know what I am doing at the gym with the weights.  I would like to find a weight lifting program I can do at the gym that does not involve dumbbells since I can do that at home.  I feel like I am finding my groove, finding a lifestyle, and figuring this out.  I still have plenty of room for progress and improvement.  I still want to lose a good chunk of my remaining body fat.  One step at a time.

Sunday Weigh In

Today was pretty busy, and we spent the majority of the day over at my parent's house.  I didn't eat poorly, but I ate too much, particularly wheat.  My mom had bought crescent rolls which I never buy and I ate three of them today.  Not the best idea.  Then I ate pasta for dinner.  I've been thinking about gluten a lot over the past several months because my mom is allergic to it, and so is my Aunt Cindy and so is their mom, my Grandma.  So my family has a history of gluten sensitivity.  I am not sure if anyone has been diagnosed outright with Celiac disease, but many members on my mom's side have a food allergy to it.  Now I feel really sick and I am not sure it it is because I just ate too much or if it is because I ate so much gluten, but I can tell you one thing.  I am so tired of feeling sick and cruddy all the time.  I am so over this.  I am ready to do what it takes to not feel sick to my stomach every day.  I'm not going gluten free quite yet, but I think it would be a good idea to limit my intake of gluten just in case and see how I feel.  Maybe not eat gluten some days and eat more on others and see if that one particular thing makes me feel more sick.  It's hard to say today since I also had a fair amount of Diet Pepsi and overate.  But just overeating shouldn't make me feel like this.  I didn't even overeat any particularly "unhealthy" food.  Anyway, I'm done with this.  I'm getting off Soda Pop, it's just money down the drain and I know I need to be drinking more water.  I'm going to get off all the processed food and junk that I eat and make sure I eat more vegetables.  I bought some new cookbooks and I am excited to try the recipes in them.  I bought the kindle versions of the cooking light crock pot recipes and cooking light yearly favorites.  I am so tired of feeling bloated and lethargic and sick at night.  I am going to figure this out. 

I'm going to keep this handy and make sure I have these things on hand for snacks and easy meals: source

One thing I have got to try is the mashed cauliflower.  It's supposed to taste a lot like mashed potatoes... but it's pure vegetables! 

Anyway, I'm sure you are all dying to know what I weighed in at this week.  First I want to note my non scale victories and improvements. 1. I did a spin class this week!  I am excited to do more spin classes because it totally blasted my butt and thighs and that is where I carry a lot of my weight, so I know it is going to be excellent to mix up my normal routine and start training in the spin classes.  (Even though my butt currently hurts from sitting on the bike for only 20 minutes..... I haven't been on a bike in over 6 years).  2. I am 100% dedicated to sticking with my no more sweets decision.  If I had added sugar into the mix for what I ate today I would probably be puking in the toilet right now. 

And now onto my weight: 149.8

I am up a bit this week but I know that I binged on Thursday and on Friday we ate Pho at the Vietnamese restaurant, and whenever we eat Pho I am always up 2 pounds for the next two days because of the sodium in the broth.  Also, it's that time of the month.  So I'm not really worried about being one pound up from last week.  This is a new week, and I'm ready to start being the best I can be. 

New Facebook Group!

I am super excited to announce today that I started a Facebook Group today for everyone who is interested in joining together for inspiration and motivation.  If you would like to be a part of a group for accountability, motivation, inspiration, community, and fun then you should join.  Just search facebook for Modestly Slim and you should find the group I created, or to make things easier just click HERE and you should be directed to the group page.  It is a close group so you cannot see the posts unless you join.  This is to protect the members of the group since some people may choose to post some more sensitive information and I want to respect everyone's opinions.  This is a great way to connect with me and others on Facebook and to really get involved! 

My group page!

Today I want to update you on my sugar free goings on over the past few days.  I thought that I would feel nervous, frightened, or maybe even upset.  What I didn't expect to feel is relief.  But that is the feeling that I have been having over the past two days.  I am so relieved that there is an entire food group: sugar, that I no longer have to worry about.  I used to worry about whether or not to buy candy in the checkout line, complaining that I never got to our couldn't.  Always avoiding the candy isle because that was the forbidden isle.  I would be all consumed in eating desserts, getting as much as I could and wondering when the next time I would get something sweet would be.  Wondering if I should order dessert with my meal, or get an ice cream at the mall, feel deprived if I didn't and feel guilty if I did.  I would worry about not being able to stop eating, worry at social events that I would look like a pig because I was eating too much.  Never feeling like I had enough until it was too late and I had eaten too much and my stomach ached.  Sugar was always involved during a binge, and eating sugar just made me want to eat more sugar and eat more unhealthy food.  Whenever I ate it I never wanted to eat anything healthy the rest of the day, it was a really weird feeling and definitely not conducive to a healthy lifestyle.  Now I just don't have to worry about any of that anymore because I simply will just say no, I am not eating those foods any longer.  I don't need to worry about it any more, those foods can't hold any power over me any longer.  I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe again. 

Today when my husband asked me to make him brownies, I didn't even want to eat the batter, I simply thought to myself "that is one giant bowl of stomachache".  And I didn't even lick the spoon, spatula, or even a finger.  After they were baked there was a moment when I was getting my kids a piece where I thought I kind of wanted a piece.  But then I thought, if I eat one piece, I will want another, and then another, and then another and soon I will be stuffed with brownies and feel sick all night.  After that, I didn't want any.  I found it surprisingly easy to say no to the brownies today.  I do not know if that will be true tomorrow, or a week from today.  I hope it is.  The way to make lasting change is to change from the inside out and I genuinely want to make this change.  For the first time, I genuinely want to give up sugar to feel better, look better, and be happier. 

Much Ado About Sugar

Sugar and desserts, and sweets have been on my mind a lot lately.  I was hoping that over the past few months I would be able to find a healthy relationship with desserts but over the past few days I have been very stressed because Lily has been stool holding again, which makes everyone miserable.  I have had a hard time controlling myself.  Whenever I binge it always involves sugar and desserts, and I have always had a hard time staying in control, staying aware of what I am doing, and it always seems like one piece or one serving is never enough.  Then I started thinking about how I feel when I eat sugar.  I created a pretty long list of things I feel when I eat sugar:

• Sick to my stomach
• Lightheaded
• Headache
• Unmotivated
• Tired
• Lethargic
• Out of control
• Depressed
• Angry with myself
• Weak
• Wanting to eat more unhealthy food
• Wanting to eat more sugar
• Wanting to skip workouts
• Wanting to sleep
• Avoiding the kids due to tiredness

Not a very positive list.  So after much thinking, I have decided to cut it out indefinitely.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  No exceptions, or cheat days.  I'm going to try to get food that doesn't have added sugar in it but that is not my primary focus.  My primary focus is all the sweet things I gravitate towards: cookies, cake, ice cream, brownies, pie, cobbler, candy.  I can't trust myself around these things.  They are hindering my progress, making me feel like crap, and I always binge on them.  About a year ago I did a 30 day experiment to see if I could give up sugar for that amount of time.  I called it "pulling my sweet tooth"  Obviously it didn't stick.  I realize now that I was doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.  Then I wanted to go off sweets so that I could lose weight.  Now I want to go off sweets so I can be healthier, mentally and physically and be a better person.  I'm not expecting it to be easy, I am hoping that it will get easier over time, but I do believe that it will be worth it.

Finding a reason

Since I have been re-evaluating my reasons for why I am doing everything, I have also been thinking about weight lifting.  I know it is something that I should do, but I never really liked weight lifting to begin with.  The reason I started weight lifting was because I had injured my foot and couldn't do cardio so it was weight training or nothing.  Now, that is not the case and I have to find a different motivation.  A lot of people weight train when they realize that the body they want comes from lifting weights.  That doesn't do it for me, I could be happy with just doing cardio.  There needs to be a good reason why we do the things we do and if we don't genuinely enjoy doing it, then there needs to be something that drives us.  We can white knuckle it for a while, but we can only hold out for so long.  Today I realized that my drive for doing weight training is because I like the results.  I like having a stronger body.  Having a stronger body makes my life easier.  It is easier to lift the kids, move around, run up and down the stairs, lift things, go places.  Having more muscle gives me more energy and makes me feel better and makes life better.  That is my new reason for doing weight training.  At the gym if you sign up for personal training within the first 7 days you get your enrollment fees waived.  I think I am going to sign up and have someone work on setting me up with a weight training circuit I can do at the gym.  I am going to do Chalean Extreme at home but it would be nice to be able to know what I am doing while at the gym so I could do a 30 minute strength training circuit there as well.

So I am off to go lift some weights, and I am super happy because tomorrow morning is 9:45 Zumba, and I couldn't be more excited!

That was the shirt I got from Beachbody after I finished Chalean Extreme the first time around.  Still waiting on my Turbo Fire shirt............