Finding Peace

I have finally been able to make peace with the whole diet mentality.  As you probably know I have been really struggling the last few months with the whole idea of being "on a diet" or "off plan" or "on plan".  It's the whole all or nothing mentality, and it led to some really bad eating behaviors for me.  It led to binge eating where I would be really good for about 5 days and then binge for 1-2 days, and the worst being when I was good for 2-3 weeks and then I would have a week long binge or something crazy that would undo all my hard work.  I also had so many days of "eating because you ate" where I would have just a few cookies or a piece of cake or some candy and then think "well, I blew it so I might as well just go all out and make the most of this day and start all over tomorrow."  But that thinking is flawed and so wrong!  Everything you eat counts.  If you think that way, suddenly your 350 calorie piece of cake turns into a 3,000 binge for the rest of the day.  Then you have to spend the next several days working that off and of course you never know what to do with yourself afterwards.  Do you under eat to make up for it? (often leading to another binge) Do you exercise like crazy to try and make up for it? (not very practical).  And then the cycle continues.  I believe I have FINALLY been able to break out of this cycle.  Only time will tell, but I feel like I am finally at peace mentally with myself.  Right now I am focusing on making the healthiest choices I can.  I realize that before I was asking myself the wrong questions, I was asking "what do I really really want" and inevitably that was something sweet.  Instead I now ask "what will make me feel good?  What will give me the energy to get through my workouts and give me energy to play with the kids?  What is the best for my body?"  I have been working on self love and self acceptance and I have finally been able to make some breakthroughs.  I don't tell myself that I'm fat and lazy and disgusting, and unworthy now.  Now I talk to myself and to my body parts with respect.  For example I did my very first full spin class on Monday and instead of telling myself that I was fat and couldn't do it and what was I thinking for even trying and that I looked stupid with my fat thighs on the bike (all of which I would have told myself three months ago) I told myself "ok legs, this is for you, you can do this, this is going to make you strong so we can be more active with the kids and we can be stronger, lets do it!  We deserve to be strong and healthy, we are worth the effort so lets get it done!"  Oh and by the way, I look totally AWESOME on a spin bike ;-)  The instructor even said I was cute in my Zumba shirt.(instructor was female so it was okay for her to say that haha ;-) 

I liked this picture because she looks healthy whereas in a lot of the other pictures the models looked skinny:  Source

I feel better emotionally now than I did two months ago when I was 143.  Even though I am up again hovering near 150.  I have stopped my weight gain binge that I was on, and I have started to get a good workout groove going.  I know that I am going to be going to spin class monday morning followed by some running for my triathlon conditioning (I'm not going to start really training for it until maybe January).  Tuesday is still up in the air.  Today I lifted weights.  At the gym there is a spin class, yoga class, and a zumba toning class.  I am going to try the yoga class as I think that would be really great to add to my routine.  Wednesday is swimming and Zumba, Thursday is weight lifting, Friday is swimming and Zumba and Saturday is weight lifting.  I'm doing Chalean Extreme at home again for my weight lifting since I don't really know what I am doing at the gym with the weights.  I would like to find a weight lifting program I can do at the gym that does not involve dumbbells since I can do that at home.  I feel like I am finding my groove, finding a lifestyle, and figuring this out.  I still have plenty of room for progress and improvement.  I still want to lose a good chunk of my remaining body fat.  One step at a time.