Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Self Doubt

Something I have been really struggling with lately is self doubt.  I get really self conscious about the way I look, and my abilities.  Yesterday I was going for a bike ride with my husband and father in law.  As we were getting set up I felt really awkward.  It's only my second mountain bike ride and there were several other bikers gearing up to go riding since it was a popular trail.  I felt silly because I didn't have proper biking clothes (I was wearing my Zumba clothes of course since that is all I have), I didn't know how to put the front wheel back on my bike and hook the break back up, I don't have clip on shoes (and even if I did I wouldn't know how to use them), and I had no idea what the people around us were talking about (various bike parts and upgrades).  I started to feel stupid as I waited for my husband and father in law to finish checking over my bike (I was watching and trying to learn of course).  I felt fat in my clothes as everyone around was wearing their sleek biking gear, and they were all lean and muscular.  But then I started to think, you have to start somewhere.  I can't let my self doubt interfere with my goals.  If I do then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and of course I will fail.  If you never start, you won't get better.  If you don't try and get yourself dirty then you won't ever learn.  I have come a long way since I started.  When Matt and I first started dating he took me on a few mountain bike rides and I did terribly on them.  I wasn't really exercising at the time and I wasn't really interested in pushing myself or doing any sort of physical activity like that.  Yesterday we went on a trail and we biked for two hours!  I was really pushing myself up the hills and trying not to be super slow (even though I was obviously slower than the two boys they still said I was doing great for my second ride).  I did much better on this ride than on the first ride.  I didn't fall off my bike for one, and I was able to steer better for two and I made it up most of the hills without stopping.  I even made it through the two stream crossings just fine.
I may not look the coolest, and I may not be the leanest biker in town but I sure did my best and gave it my all.  I had a ton of fun too.  I really enjoyed being out in the mountains and getting a good workout and doing an activity with my family.  Matt had a blast too, he kept saying how fun and great it was to go out and do something like that with me.  He has always loved mountain biking and his previous attempts to get me involved in the sport didn't work so well.  Eventually he just gave up as I continued to gain weight.  If I had let my self doubt get in the way it would have robbed me of a great experience, valuable training, and time spent with family. 

The other attack of self doubt came today when I went to the gym to do my run and then my swim.  Today was laundry day and all my workout clothes were in the wash, so I had to fish out some workout clothes I never wear.  I wore my Turbo Fire tank top with some purple pants and I felt super stupid.  I NEVER wear tank tops when I workout, I don't think I look good in them.  I always feel fat and think I look awful.  Besides that it just feels weird because I just never wear tank tops anyway.  I could have used that as an excuse not to workout today but I did anyway and I had the best run I've had in weeks!  I've been struggling through these longer runs but today was 28 minutes long and I totally nailed it!  I felt great!  When my time was up I was all like "that's it? I'm done?  I could keep going for a while!"  If I had let my self consciousness interfere with my run I would have robbed myself of the great experience I had, and the realization that I have been making progress.  I'm not there yet, but I have come a very long way.


  1. Keep up the good work!! I could not do it. I walked with my Uncle for months and I wanted to try and ride a bike with him. He was a long distant rider. He had rode his bike all the way to Florida before and it was nothing to take a 45 min ride to go get some breakfast for him. So I did a 8 mile ride with him and I hated every second of it. I was fat the seat was narrow and it was scary when a big truck zoomed by.

  2. You are AMAZING! I love that you've found something to do with your hubby that he loves and you are learning to enjoy :) Besides, you have awesome trails up there. Way to beat down the nasty voice in your head. I am so proud of you!!

  3. so proud of you for doing it, despite how you 'felt fat' or what you thought 'others may have been thinking' it's really true that other people's opinions of me are none of my business..
    and I want to point out to you, do you really think any of them were thinking/looking/worrying about what you are wearing? no, they, just like you, were probably dealing with their own insecurities whatever they happened to have been.. *derp*
    your awesome
    Easy for me to say this to you, especially since today, I had that same "I feel like i look fat" what?!?!? yikes..

    Great job none the less.